CHAPTER SIXTEEN
I didn’t get to see Nat as much as I’d thought I would once she moved back home.
She was busy with work and dating some guy, though she was keeping the details pretty secret.
I hated that what I felt when she could potentially be happy with a man that wasn’t me was…
selfish, ugly. I knew, if I was truly just her friend, that I should be happy for her.
But I wasn’t.
I made an appointment with Hugh. I’d cut back my visits with him after a while, but I’d been seeing him more than a year now. We’d gone from once a week, to twice a month, and lately it had just been monthly. But since Natalie had come back? I recognized I needed to go more often.
I was having a lot of feelings.
So, that’s why I was in his office today. Hugh was looking at me, his normal passive look on his face.
“What brings you in today?” he finally asked.
“Well, you know Natalie’s back home,” I said, wiping my suddenly sweaty hands on my pants. I hated how nervous I got before I got started talking in therapy.
“And that’s bringing up emotions for you?”
“Yeah. You could say that.”
“Tell me about it.”
I wasn’t ready to examine the way I was feeling about her dating people. So, I started a little smaller. “At her dad’s funeral, she agreed to friendship with me. I know, though, that she can never seem to feel exactly the same about me as she once did.”
“Do you blame her for that?”
“No. Not at all.” I settled back in the chair, getting more comfortable. “I’m actually just really surprised she agreed to friendship, and I feel like I’m kind of walking on eggshells around her now. Like I have to be so careful about what I say and do.”
“What do you think could happen?”
“She could run away again. She only came home because her dad was sick. I think she wanted to stay in Baltimore. She got this really great offer from Johns Hopkins, and she’s stuck here at Halliwell Hospital.”
“So, you’re glad she’s home, but you’re scared she’ll leave now that her father has passed away, and, on top of all of that, you feel upset that she had to settle for a job offer that wasn’t good enough for her.”
I stared at him. He was really good at this.
“Yep. That’s exactly what I’m thinking. I know she deserves to be somewhere like Johns Hopkins.
But I want her here anyway.” I sighed. “I know she signed a one-year contract. It feels like I’m under a time constraint to convince her to stay here.
To convince her I’m not a total asshole. ”
“And what would happen if she did leave at the end of her contract?”
I looked out the window while I thought about it. I hadn’t really put words to my thoughts about that. After a moment, I looked at him and said, “I’d move to Baltimore.”
Hugh’s eyebrows shot up, and I almost laughed. He never showed reactions. “Really? You’re prepared to move to be close to a woman who is only your best friend?”
“I mean… yes. I am. But I think the deeper truth here is that… she’s not just my best friend.”
Hugh actually smiled. “She’s not?”
I shook my head. “No. I love her. I’m in love with her.”
“Is this the first time you’ve acknowledged it?”
“No, not exactly. I’ve felt it for a long time now, but I haven’t said it out loud. I haven’t told anyone.”
“Not even your sister Sadie?”
I shook my head. “No, she’s got her own shit…
stuff… going on.” I didn’t like that Sadie was sort of forced by Melinda and Drake’s wedding to be back around Harrison.
I also hated that anytime I thought too hard about that, I remembered how Sadie had compared what I did to Nat to what her shitty ex had done to her.
“You’ve kept it inside, then.”
“Yes. But I can’t anymore. Not now that she’s here.
But that brings me to the other reason I’m here today.
” I looked at him with hope that he could give me the answers I was looking for.
“How do I get her to forgive me? How can I get her to see me as something more than just a friend? Someone more than just the horrible guy she took a chance on? The guy who hurt her?”
“Those are good questions. I don’t think there’s one answer to any of them. If she hasn’t forgiven you yet, you need to know why before you can fix it. I don’t think you’ll make any progress towards her seeing you as a potential romantic partner again until she’s truly forgiven you.”
“But how do I get her to forgive me?”
“Again, there’s no simple answer to that question.
It’s complicated. What works for one person won’t work for others.
Some women might see small gifts like flowers, jewelry, chocolates, and so on as what it takes.
Others will see those types of things as empty and meaningless.
They need grand gestures—apologizing on a billboard at a sports arena for the world to see, for instance.
But others, and I suspect this is where your friend Natalie falls, need actions that are more related to their daily lives.
It’s about proving yourself over and over again as someone steady they can rely on. ”
“That does sound like her,” I admitted. I brightened. “I made a new outdoor play area for the tortoises.” Hugh knew all about Anne and Gilbert.
“Why did you do that?”
“I thought the old one didn’t really serve their needs anymore. I wanted them to have a place to hide when they felt too seen, you know? And shade…”
“Those reasons are great, and I sense they’re true, but are there any reasons related to Natalie?”
I frowned while I thought about it. “I guess… well, I knew she’d come over more often if she thought they were most comfortable at Mom and Dad’s house. I’d see her more often. And, well, anything I do for the tortoises makes her happy. And I love to see her smile.”
“Do you see how that gesture served two purposes? It would allow you more time with her and it would make her happy.”
I nodded.
“It also strikes me that your gesture was all you. You worked to build that enclosure for Anne and Gilbert. You didn’t just pick up a phone and order something pretty that other people worked hard to produce.
You did the work. I’m sure that meant immeasurably more to her than jewelry or flowers would. ”
“So… more things like that. Things that take real thought and work from me.”
“Yes. I would say so. The more you can earn her trust again, the closer you get to being able to have an honest conversation with her about your feelings. You’ll be able to tell her the work you’ve done to figure out how you could ever hurt her in the first place.”
***
I had plenty of time to think about what Hugh had said over the next couple of weeks. I worked to make myself available to Nat whenever I could. I was a listening ear, a reminder of the good parts of our past, and a friend she could rely on now.
So, when I got the opportunity to go tubing down the Indigo River with Sadie’s friends and found out Natalie would be there? I was on board.
The problem was I had promised my boss that I’d show his daughter around the area in hopes that he could lure her to move here after she graduates from college.
“Yeah, of course I’ll be there. I might have to bring someone…”
Sadie laughed. “Of course you will! You wouldn’t be you if you didn’t. Okay, see you later.” She hung up before I could correct her.
I didn’t think it would matter too much. I could just introduce her as my boss’ daughter, and it would be fine. At least that’s what I thought until I saw her.
I picked her up at my boss’ house and knew I was in trouble when she walked down the stairs. She was about five-ten, with long, tanned legs, long blonde hair, a pretty face, and the kind of figure that used to make my mouth water.
Fuck. I was taking goddamn Barbie tubing with Natalie. This was going to make her think I hadn’t changed one bit since she’d been gone.
My theory was proved correct when everyone gave each other amused looks when they saw me walking up with her.
“Hey, guys,” I said, my eye wandering over to where Nat was looking fucking fine in her bikini, “this is Sheila, she’s my…”
“Shelley,” she corrected me loudly and put her hand possessively on my arm.
I stared down at it, perplexed. What the hell was she doing? We had barely talked on the way over here. I glanced back at Nat, but her eyes had shuttered and her face looked carefully impassive.
Shit. She totally thought I was fucking this chick.
I started to open my mouth to explain the situation until I realized everyone was all caught up in a conversation. They didn’t care about me and the woman they thought I was with.
I sighed and helped Shelley into a tube before I got in my own.
We spent a couple of hours floating lazily as a group down the river. I kept finding myself near Natalie and Sadie, who were reminiscing about our childhood.
I felt bad kind of leaving Shelley behind, but she didn’t seem to care.
“You remember that time Natalie decided she could balance on the bike seat?” Sadie asked.
“Oh my God, y’all, we do not need to tell that story again!” Nat said, covering her face for a moment.
My eyes did a quick sweep of her body while she wasn’t looking. Was she less curvy than all the girls I used to want to hook up with? Yes. But in my eyes, she was perfect. It had been a while now since I’d moved on from that particular look.
I glanced back up and realized she’d caught me looking. For a moment, my eyes were lost in hers, that unusual blue-green color sucking me in.
“Guys? Are you going to tell it or do you want me to do it?” Sadie’s question was directed at Natalie and me.
I turned and saw that a lot of the others were waiting to hear it. “I got it. You’ll mess it up, Sadie.”
“Whatever.” I got a good-natured eye roll from her.
“Yeah, so, I’d just taught Natalie to ride a bike…”
“Why didn’t your parents teach you?” Shelley interrupted.
We all got quiet, until Melinda said, “Tim just did it better.”
It wasn’t true, but it got the conversation back to something that wasn’t depressing.
“Anyway, she hadn’t known how to ride for long, but she was really, freakishly good at it. So, when we were riding down this hill, Nat jumped up on the bike seat, held her arms out, and tried to balance.”
There were shocked exclamations all around.
Carrie’s eyes were big, “Natalie! I thought you were smart about everything you did.”
“Not even close,” Nat replied, smiling.
“It gets worse,” I kept going. “She actually stayed up for a long time, but when the bike started to slow down and wobble, she got scared. Instead of just grabbing the handlebars and jumping back down, she decided to jump off the bike seat and try to land in the closest yard. It did not turn out well. She landed in loose gravel that was on the side of the road. She was going so fast when she landed, she kind of skidded along on her knees.”
Sadie winced at the memory. “Oh my God, there was so much blood. Tim had to carry her home. There was no way she could walk.”
“Wait,” Natalie was already laughing, “in my defense, we’d been to the circus the weekend before that, and I decided I could do some of those circus tricks we’d seen the acrobats do on bikes.”
I stared at her, giving her a look. “I’m not sure that’s a good defense…”
She splashed me with cold river water.
All I could do was laugh and try to cover my face when Sadie joined her. When they were finally through, I reached over and grabbed Natalie’s tube bringing her close to me. I grabbed her knee. “Look,” I gestured for everyone to come over, “here’s her scar. Even with stitches, she’s still got it.”
Everyone looked, laughing. When I turned to look back at her, she was watching me.
Suddenly, it was like just the two of us there in that river.
Everything else faded—the laughter, the sounds of nature all around us, the beauty of the day—all I could focus on was her.
The way she was looking at me, and the way touching her was making me feel was hitting me harder than the cold water ever could have.
“Tim, I think I’m getting sunburned. Can you take me home?” a whiny voice cut in, breaking the spell.
I was dazed for a moment, and it took me longer than it should have to let go of Nat’s knee. I locked eyes with her one more moment before I forced myself to let go and focus on my boss’ daughter.
“Um, yeah. Sure.” I tried to smile at her, but I knew it was weak.
I got out of my tube and helped Shelley get hers to the side of the river and get out.
She gave me a lingering hug of appreciation.
I wanted to push her off me, but I knew I couldn’t do that.
My boss wouldn’t be pumped to hear I wasn’t nice to his daughter.
We stood on the shore and waved goodbye as everyone floated off.
The last thing I really noticed was the way Natalie looked at me when Shelley was hugging me.
It was like I was confirming something she’d already thought.