Chapter 58
Chapter Fifty-Eight
Noah
His Birthday
“You’ve had some shitty people in your life who used you to get close to your brothers, but you’ve stopped letting people in altogether because of it.”
People like me. Fuck. I shouldn’t have kept it from her, but I was just trying to do the right thing, what Parker asked, because it never mattered to me.
I fell for Savannah, hard, and I want to tell her that, that I love her, because I can’t lose her, but I really don’t want the first time to be as some last-ditch effort to win a fight.
“Can you really blame me when this is what happens when I do?” Savannah isn’t reproachful so much as heartbroken, which is infinitely worse.
She sighs, then searches my face for something she doesn’t find.
Or can’t trust. “Thank you for your help with my book, Noah. You’ve given me way more knowledge and experiences than I ever thought I needed. Or wanted.”
Savannah turns on her heels and walks towards her dorm, and I’m clearly a masochist because I go to follow her again, but Owen stops me, catching his breath like he ran from the house as he hands me my cell phone.
“Your sister’s on the line,” he explains.
“Iz, you okay?” I ask, my heart dropping.
“I’m good,” she says with absolutely no pep. “Mom isn’t though. I forgot my purple leotard, so we came home to get it, but Doug brought Tatum to his swimming lessons, and Mom has been listening to that song on repeat and acting like when I pretend I can’t hear you, but I think she really can’t.”
“What do you…” Fear grips me, until my brain figures it out. “Shit. Fuck,” I curse. “It’s January 23rd.”
“You said bad words,” she reproaches.
“We’ll get breakfast to make up for it. I’ll be there in less than an hour, okay? Are you good, or do you want me to call Mrs. Evans?”
“Mom’s right here,” Izzie reminds me. “I don’t need a babysitter.”
“Right,” I agree, but I know from experience that when my mother gets like this, there is no snapping her out of it. Not for a begging son, not for a crying little girl, not for anything.
“What’s going on?” Owen asks me once I hang up, following me as I rush back into the café for my jacket, which has my keys.
“It’s his birthday, and I fucking forgot.”
“It’s not even nine, you have plenty of time to call him.”
“No, that’s not…I was supposed to be there. I know how she gets, and I wanted to be there to distract her and make sure Izzie was taken care of, but I fucking forgot, because I thought I could have it all, and instead, everything is fucked up and I’ve dropped all the balls.”
“Take a breath, Noah, you can’t drive if you’re having a panic attack.”
“I’m fine,” I snap, but he doesn’t back down, just looks at me, one eyebrow pointed, like he’s figured out I’m talking about my dad.
“The hell you are,” he says calmly, so I stop and do what he says, partly because he’s right, but mostly because my mother will never get out of bed if I go and die on his birthday.
But the longer I stay still, the more my thoughts drift to everything falling apart, all the things I can’t fix.
“I can drive you to your sister, and she’ll be okay. Kids are resilient, and Izzie is tough as nails and way smarter than you give her credit for.”
He’s right, but just because she can handle a lot doesn’t mean I ever wanted her to.
“And whatever just happened with Savannah… she’ll be back before you know it. Not sure if you’ve said the words yet, but she loves you. This might be your first fight, but definitely won’t be your last.”
“It doesn’t matter.” I sigh. Ten minutes ago, that would have been reassuring, but I was so wrapped up in Savannah last night, and this morning, that I completely abandoned my mom and sister when I knew they needed me.
And I would have kept running after her, missing Izzie’s call, spent my day trying to convince Savannah we could work, when it’s now painfully clear that we can’t.
It doesn’t matter how amazing Savannah is, or how I feel about her, if she’s the reason I let Izzie down.
And it’s not even her fault. It’s mine. My fucking feelings for her took over everything else and I failed. Her and everyone else I care about.
“I’m good to drive, Owen, you shouldn’t have to waste your day—”
“I have no interest in walking, and my sister lives close to you. I texted her and I’m betting she already sent her husband to buy all my favorite groceries. Believe me, you don’t want to disappoint her.”
“This is the doctor?”
“And the oldest. It’s a scary combination.” He smiles. “Do you need me to help with your sister, or take care of something back at the house?”
“You’re doing way more than you should,” I assure him. “Though probably best if you could make sure Tanner isn’t around before I get back? I know he didn’t mean to bring up signed fucking jerseys in front of Savannah, but if I see him again before I calm down, we’ll be short two players tomorrow.”
“It was uncalled for, but technically, you said it was cool once everyone knew.”
“What?”
“You said to forget they’re related until she tells us, or everyone knows.”
“I know what I said, but what do you mean?” I’d assumed Tanner was asking because I’d claimed Savannah at Slapshots last night.
“It’s all over campus. And online. This chick showed up looking for Savannah after you guys left, Donovan ‘didn’t believe her’ when she brought up Sav’s brothers, which I was really impressed with, because who knew Donovan could act, but we all did what you said and pretended it wasn’t true, until someone pulled up the game footage and it spread like wildfire.
My phone had blown up by the time I got up this morning, which is saying something, because the post only said she was dating one of the hockey players, it didn’t even say which one. ”
“Shit.”
“Were you still trying to keep it a secret?”
I wasn’t. Not last night when I kissed her in the middle of a crowded bar with everyone I know watching, or this morning when I insisted she use my lap as a chair.
All I could think was that she was finally mine, and it wasn’t so scary, it was nice to not have to pretend she wasn’t anymore.
But now that I’m reminded exactly why this shouldn’t have happened…
having people know about us just feels like rubbing salt into an open wound; needlessly cruel.
Because I’m not even sure if we’re friends after the way she ran out. The things I said to her.
But the last thing I want to do is deny her and make it seem like she was reaching.
“Whatever we are, she’s still ours to protect, and things are about to get fucking insane for her.”
“So we do whatever is best for Sav?” Owen looks at me with pity, and I want to tell him not to, but I also know that as soon as Izzie is taken care of, all I’ll be is crushed.
“Just make it clear the hockey team has her back, no matter what she needs.”
“Done.”
“Is the football team back yet?”
“Bus got in at two am,” he agrees.
“Good. Parker will take care of her.”
He looks at me like he knows I wish I was the one doing that, but even if she wanted me to, I have somewhere else I need to be, and Savannah deserves someone who can drop everything to be there for her.
An SUV is waiting at the end of our driveway when Owen pulls up, and my chest aches at the brown curls inside I immediately wish were Savannah’s.
“You sure you’re good?” Owen tries, looking like he doesn’t want to leave me.
“I will be,” I assure him, but it feels like a lie.