Chapter 66
Chapter Sixty-Six
Noah
Operation GSB
I know Sav won’t be here, because of the scrutiny she’s dealing with, and because we haven’t really talked since I told her I didn’t have time for her in my life, but that doesn’t mean I don’t look for her. Or play my heart out, because I somehow know she’ll hear about it.
I stayed up half the night reading her book, and I want to tell her it’s amazing.
I started with skimming to the hockey parts, but I wanted to know what they were talking about, so now I’m fully invested in a college hockey romance and can’t wait to find out what comes next.
I was almost late for practice because I couldn’t put it down.
And it isn’t even like the character is me, though some of the steamy bits are familiar.
Lacey is watching with Chloe and Michelle.
I’ve already decided my first order of business tonight – win or lose – is to track Lacey down and find out everything I can about how Savannah is doing.
I’m hoping her loyalty to me is still enough to get that from her, but I can see – and Darren tells me – that she and Sav are getting close.
Which normal me loves. But sad me who knows I’m the cause of all this bonding time kind of hates it.
Only in the sense that if Savannah wants a sleepover, I want it to be at Ivy with me.
Owen’s basket theory had me convinced, though I figured I’d already blown it, but when Sav brought me her book, it told me I need to do whatever I can to get her back and prove to her that I can be everything she needs. That she’s worth it. We are.
I score five minutes into the third period and instinctively look up to my seats, as if she’ll have magically appeared.
I’m used to no one being there, because up until this year, I was always looking for my dad, but I’ve gotten used to seeing Sav and Izzie.
I’m ready for the disappointment when I look up, but it also reinforces my determination.
I shower as fast as possible after the game –another loss, though we didn’t play terrible, then turn to Darren while hopping into my pants.
“Will Lacey be at Slapshots tonight?” I ask.
“That’s the plan. You sweet on my girl?” he teases.
“Just want to see how Sav is doing, and they’re friends now, right?” It’s pathetic, and I should have come up with a better excuse, but pretty sure Lacey will just tell him.
“Savannah’s going home this weekend, so it’s not like Lacey can invite you over. She loves you, but not enough to let you sniff a girl’s pillow.”
“What are you talking about?” Colt asks, but I have the same question.
“Once you’re used to falling asleep with the woman you love in your arms, you’ll get it,” Darren tells him with zero shame.
“Why does Lacey have access to Savannah’s pillow?” I press.
“Oh.” Darren’s face goes red, which is his tell for when he’s keeping a secret he feels guilty about. “Sav sort of temporarily moved in with Lace, but so far it’s going so well I think Lace wants her to stay.”
“What happened to her dorm. To Anna?”
“I don’t know,” he says, but he clearly does.
“Is it because of the study group?”
“Could be.”
“Darren.”
“Or it could be because the roommate had some people over playing with Sav’s family photos and we made the executive decision that she can’t live with someone like that.”
“When?” I ask, trying to control my anger. At Anna, at myself, that some people are assholes.
“Monday. She asked me not to tell you, and you said to protect her like she’s ours, not to report every detail to you, and Lacey was fiercely protective and made my options very clear.”
“Thank you,” I say instead of blowing up at him like he clearly expected me to, which just shows what a funk I’ve been in.
I wish I’d known. I wish I could have helped her.
But I’m glad someone did. And Lacey is a way better roommate than Anna.
Not just because she makes it more likely I’ll keep seeing Sav.
“Have you finally come to your senses?” David asks me.
“Is that why you’re asking where she is?” Colt looks damn right excited.
“I’m getting the girl,” I tell them, unable to stop my smile at just the idea of it.
“Is that so?” Darren’s smile matches mine.
“Izzie’s been bugging me about Operation GSB, so I think that’s what I’ll be working on this weekend.” After the stupid fundraiser. Unless I can convince Coach this is more important.
“Get Savannah Back?” Mike guesses, but they’re smiling knowingly, like they’re all in on it.
“Wish me luck.”
I walk with purpose to my truck, debating if it’s romantic or insane for me to show up at Savannah’s parents’ house tonight, and have mostly convinced myself that showing up tomorrow morning with flowers and a London Fog is the more sensible idea when I see her.
Not Savannah, but someone must have hit me into the boards hard enough to cause brain damage because my mom hasn’t stepped foot in an arena in years.
But she’s here. Beside her car. Pacing and muttering to herself.
When I catch her eye, she sighs into the tiniest of smiles, and I know it’s stupid, with all the shit we’ve been going through, this isn’t even one of the top twenty things I wish my mom would work on.
But seeing her here still fixes part of my heart, like two of the pieces finally fit back together.
“Baby.” She takes me in her arms as soon as I’m close enough to see her tears. “You were so incredible out there.”
“We lost,” I point out, but the more important part is, “You saw?”
“I listened,” she amends. “I tried. Made it to the front doors and everything, but…I couldn’t. A security guard told me which station to find it on.”
“That’s…you didn’t have to—”
“I did,” she argues. “I do. I know I’ve been…
” She lets out a breath and I go to take her in my arms again, but she puts out a hand to stop me.
“I fell in love with your father when we were twelve years old, and he became my everything. Losing him was…it was like I fell into the bottom of a dark hole, and I couldn’t claw my way out, but I also didn’t want to.
I knew I needed to be there for you and for Isabelle, but I saw the way she looked at me.
How you both did. I convinced myself you were better off without me weighing you down, and you stopped expecting anything of me.
I am so ashamed that I let it get that far.
That I didn’t consider everything you both lost, I just kept sinking deeper.
And every time I tried to do better, I’d smell his aftershave, or look at you and see his smile, and I was right back there again.
” She’s fighting back tears ad my jaw is locked so tight as I try not to join her.
“But I’m not your problem, Noah. I’m your mother.
It’s my job to make sure Izzie’s homework is done and she has sweets for the bake sale.
To come here and watch you chase your dreams, because you are brilliant, and I love you so much.
You might not believe that anymore, but I’m getting there, baby.
And it isn’t up to you to be the parent, or the man of the house.
I’ve got it now. I’m so sorry I relied on you for everything for so long, but I want you to live your life now and stop worrying about me. ”
It's a lot of the things I’ve been wishing for for years, nothing I expected to hear tonight, but I also don’t trust any of it.
“How can I do that when last weekend…” I try to say it gently, but I don’t want her empty promises. I know better than to believe them now, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.
“That was a relapse. I thought I would be alone…That isn’t an excuse; parents don’t have days off, but I never would have let myself sink if I knew Izzie was coming home that morning.
” I want to believe her, but I have six years of counterevidence.
“I’ve started therapy, and she’s going to give me tools to make sure I can dig myself out if I go to that dark place again.
I tried to go into the arena for you, but—”
“You started therapy?” I cut her off.
“I had no idea how much you did for me, Noah. Or I did, but…I thought you and Izzie just had a strong bond, not that you were still covering for me. Paying for her extracurriculars, handling all kinds of the house expenses and car insurance that I never asked about. I thought it was perfect that you found a way for Izzie to watch your games again, that you’re at hers, but she’s still hurting.
And I am going to do better, so that you don’t have to take care of your siblings, you just get to spend time with them. ”
“What about Doug?”
“I’ve learned my lesson, baby. I’m not relying on anyone else to carry my burden. I think if he sees how broken I am, he’ll leave, and I can’t do that again.” She looks terrified, then mistakes my sympathy for fear. “I won’t fall apart if that happens, I promise.”
"I thought that was the way to go too. You can only rely on yourself, right? I can't die on me or let myself down. But I think I had it wrong. It’s really fucking lonely when you try to do it all on your own and push away the people who want to help you just because you’re afraid of having to survive without them if you let yourself get used to them.
Of having one more person to care about… ”
“After your father, I…”
“You still deserve to be happy, Mom. And Doug loves you. He wants to. You just have to let him,” I tell her. “He must be thrilled you let him watch Izzie tonight.”
“He works late Fridays,” she argues, looking at me like I should know that.
“Sleepover?” I ask, but I am getting slightly worried. Doug’s parents often watch Tatum, but I don’t know if Izzie feels comfortable with them. At least not yet, which is my fault. And Mom’s.
“Savannah is with them,” she tells me with a knowing smile.
“My Savannah?” I can’t help but ask. “How do you even know her?”
“I ran into her with Izzie. I’m pretty sure that girl just wants to love you too.”
“She’s been hurt before, and I don’t want to be another…”
“You deserve to be happy, Noah. To fall head over heels and have a partner who’s got your back, even when things aren’t perfect,” she tells me, but I hope she hears it for herself too.