Chapter 14 #3
I squeezed my eyes shut, but that only made it worse.
Now I could see Julian more clearly in my mind; the sharp line of his jaw, the breadth of his shoulders, the way his clothes fit his body.
The controlled power in every movement; the dangerous grace of someone who knew exactly what his body could do.
To someone else.
Or to me.
"No," I whispered into the empty room. "No, no, no."
Guilt crashed over me in waves, each one more sickening than the last. This was the brother of Cal's murderer. Not a man I should be fantasizing about. And yet, here I was…
I pressed my palms against my hot cheeks again, trying to center myself and think rationally. This was just a normal physical response to an attractive man in a high-stress situation. That was all. Tonight had been crazy, and adrenaline and fear could make people feel all sorts of things.
It didn't mean anything. It didn't change anything.
Except… I knew I was lying to myself.
I sank onto my bed, burying my face in my hands. My skin was still burning, pulse still racing, and between my legs I felt an ache I couldn’t acknowledge, because if I did, I’d have to face what a terrible person I was.
Cal, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry.
But even as I thought it, even as genuine grief and regret twisted in my chest, I knew I couldn't stop my body's response. Couldn't stop thinking about Julian. Couldn't stop wanting something I had no right to want.
God, I needed a distraction. Needed something to ground me back in reality.
The ice, I thought, gaze snapping to the Mochi Moons bag I’d tossed on the bed a moment ago. Julian had told me to use it for twenty minutes, so that was what I should focus on right now.
I grabbed my phone, setting a timer with shaking hands. Then I lay down with my upper back on the frozen bag and tried to ignore the fact that I could still smell Julian everywhere.
Tried to ignore the way my hips shifted restlessly against the mattress.
Tried to ignore the voice in my head that whispered: You want him. Despite everything, you want him.
“I'm going to hell,” I muttered up at my ceiling. “I'm definitely going to hell.”
But even that certainty wasn't enough to make the wanting stop.
I tossed and turned for another few minutes, desperate for the ache to fade away, but it simply refused to do so.
Another frustrated groan tore from my throat, and I sat up and scrambled out of my clothes and underwear, my makeshift icepack forgotten once again.
Then I reached over to my bedside table.
I yanked open the drawer and fumbled for the purple bag I’d hidden beneath a pile of underwear when I unpacked all my stuff two weeks ago. Once I had it in my hand, I undid the top and dragged out the silicone dildo stored inside.
I pushed myself up to my knees on the bed, closing my eyes as one hand trailed down my body. I let my fingers skim my clit, biting back a moan of satisfaction, and then I brought the head of the dildo to that spot instead, using it to rub tiny circles over it.
It wasn’t enough. I needed more to fill the pulsing emptiness inside me.
I brought the head of the dildo to my mouth and sucked it, lubing it up with my saliva.
Then I propped it on the bed and positioned myself over it, inhaling sharply as I lowered myself onto it.
The tip barely penetrated my entrance at first, but then I rubbed my clit again, and my walls stretched wider, slowly granting it entry.
“Oh, fuck,” I whimpered, imagining it was Julian’s cock instead. “Yes…”
I lowered myself further, taking the dildo slowly. Inch by inch. Deeper and deeper. All the while, my free hand worked at my clit.
“Oh god,” I bit out, slowly coming back up on the silicone toy. It was absolutely soaked in my arousal now. “Julian…”
My fingers strummed my clit faster, and as my pussy fully adjusted to the intrusion, I finally started to move, bouncing up and down as I fucked the dildo with long, forceful thrusts.
I let out a cry, thighs shaking already. I’d never been this wet before. Never been able to take every last bit of the dildo like this. But now, from the mere thought that it was Julian fucking me, it was easy. Like my body was made for it. Made to stretch around his thick, hard length.
My head tipped back, and I panted loudly, chasing the pleasure to its peak.
“Fuuuuck,” I cried out, coming so hard I could see stars erupting across my vision. “Oh… fuck!”
I kept brushing my fingers over my swollen clit as I rode out the high, imagining Julian’s voice in my ear, calling me a good girl.
That’s it, I heard him saying. Take that cock in your sweet little cunt like a good girl.
“Yes, Julian,” I panted. “Yes, yes, yes…”
The pleasure finally started to ease, and I slowed my movements, fingers falling away from my clit. I slowly pulled the dildo out of my now-throbbing pussy and stumbled to the bathroom to throw it in the sink.
I’d wash it later. Right now, I was too exhausted.
I trudged back to my bed and slumped onto it, shame curling in my gut all over again. But no amount of guilt, horror, or regret could undo what my body had already confessed.
I wanted a man who might’ve participated in my sister’s death… and I didn’t know how to stop it.