Chapter 35
Violet
By the time we reached my room, I was exhausted. Physically, emotionally, mentally. The day had been a whirlwind of revelations that had left me reeling.
Julian opened the door for me, and I stepped inside to find dinner already waiting on the table by the window. Someone had brought up a covered tray while I was gone, and the smell of baked salmon and vegetables made my stomach growl despite everything.
“I'll see you later, Violet,” Roman said from the doorway, catching my eye. He made a subtle gesture near his ear to mimic a phone call.
Right. He'd promised I could talk to my friends. I nodded, and he disappeared down the hallway, leaving me with Julian.
He closed the door with a soft click that seemed too loud in the quiet room. Then he leaned against it, watching me with those intense blue eyes that seemed to see right through me.
“You should eat,” he said. “Your body needs it after being drugged like that.”
“I will,” I said, but I didn't move toward the food. Instead, I crossed my arms and faced him fully. “But first, I need to say something to you.”
His expression shifted slightly, becoming more guarded. “All right.”
“You keep making these smug comments about me being ‘yours’ and saying I’ll change my mind about marrying you.
And you refuse to listen when I say I won’t.
You act like it’s some cute little inside joke between us, but it’s not.
” I took a deep breath before going on, forcing myself to hold his gaze.
“I need you to understand something right now. I will never, ever change my mind. I won’t marry you, and I will never love you. Not after everything you've done.”
Something flickered across his face. “Violet—”
“No. Let me finish.” My voice was shaking, but I pushed on. “You terrorized me. For ages. How can you possibly think I’d ever move past that?”
He was quiet for a long moment, his jaw tight. Then he pushed off the door and took a step toward me. “Because you know there's something real between us,” he said. “There has been since the moment we met. You felt it too.”
I wanted to deny it. Wanted to scream that he was delusional, that there was nothing between us but fear and anger. But I couldn't.
Because he was right. There was something between us. Something that had made my pulse race even when he was just the dangerous, intense stranger who'd watched me too closely across the quad. Something that made my body respond to his touch even when my brain was screaming for me to run.
But that didn't matter. It couldn't matter.
I drew in another halting breath. “Look, I won’t deny that there’s been a connection between us in the past. But—”
“The past?” he cut in, lips quirking in a smirk. “Like when I was fucking you up against that tree less than twenty-four hours ago?”
My face flushed hot, and I averted my eyes. “What I’m trying to say is… whatever there is between us, it’s just physical attraction. Nothing deeper.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it.”
I swallowed hard. “Even if there was something more,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper. “It doesn't change what you did to me.”
The smirk faded from his face, and he closed the distance between us and took my hands in his.
“I know I scared the shit out of you, but that was never my intention,” he said.
“I only want what’s best for you. I have since I first met you.
And all I want from this moment on is to take care of you. Keep you safe. Make you happy.”
I shook my head in disbelief. “You stalked and terrorized me, Julian,” I said. “So whatever it is you think you feel for me… it’s not love or care. It’s obsession. You want to own me and control me like a puppet.”
“I understand where you’re coming from. Really, I do,” he said. “But listen. I didn’t follow you around and put a camera in your dorm because I—”
“You put a camera in my dorm?” I said hotly, yanking my hands out of his grip.
“Shit,” he muttered, rubbing his chin. “I assumed Roman told you about that earlier.”
I shook my head again, stomach roiling at the thought of every private moment being captured for Julian’s twisted viewing pleasure. “This just proves my point even more. You don’t have real feelings for me. It’s just some sick obsession.”
He lifted a palm. “Let me finish what I was saying a second ago,” he said. “I didn’t stalk you because I’m obsessed with you, Violet. I became obsessed with you because I was given the job of stalking you. Don’t you see the distinction there?”
I nodded slowly. “I do, but either way, it’s still obsession. Not love.”
“All of that is over now. You’ll never have to be afraid again. We can start—”
“Julian, stop! Please!” I said, voice rising.
“We can’t just start fresh, or whatever it is you were about to say.
Because it doesn’t matter how nice you are to me now.
I can’t just magically forget what it was like to wake up shaking with fear because I knew someone had been in my room.
I can’t forget what it was like to feel watched wherever I went.
I can’t forget what it was like to feel scared all the damn time. ”
“It’ll never happen again. I swear.”
“I’m sorry, but I’m not changing my mind,” I said, voice cracking slightly. “I… I can’t forgive you for what you’ve done. I just can’t. And I won’t.”
Julian studied my face for a long moment, and I saw something shift in his expression. “You really mean that,” he said. Not a question. A realization.
“Yes.”
He dragged a hand through his hair, looking away for the first time since we'd entered the room. “All right,” he finally said. “I'll leave you alone.”
I blinked. “You will?”
“For the first month of training, before the Eleusinian ritual, I don't really need to be here,” he said, his voice carefully neutral.
“You'll be kept very busy with your studies and Selection training anyway. The instructors will handle everything.” He looked back at me, and I was startled to see something that looked almost like hurt in his eyes. “So if you really don't want me around at all, I can give you that space. And don’t worry, I’ll still let Roman see you, so you two can discuss your investigation. I would never stand in the way of that.”
The audacity of him looking hurt by my rejection, after everything he'd done, made anger flare hot in my chest. “You're actually upset that I don't want to marry you? The guy who terrorized me?” I asked, eyes narrowing.
“I just wish you could see past the fear to what's really between us,” he said quietly. “But I understand why you can’t, and I know it’s entirely my fault. So if space is what you need to feel happy and safe again, then that's what you'll get. I’ll always do what’s best for you.”
He moved toward the door, and suddenly I felt something twist uncomfortably in my chest. Something that wasn't entirely anger.
“Julian,” I said before I could stop myself. “Wait.”
He paused, hand on the doorknob, looking back at me with an expression I couldn't quite read.
I opened my mouth, then closed it again. What was I even going to say? Don't go? That would be insane. I wanted him gone. In fact, I needed him gone so I could think clearly; so I could focus on finding Cal's killer without his overwhelming presence clouding everything.
“What did you want to say, Violet?” he asked, taking a step toward me.
I took a deep breath and lifted my chin. “You always thought Roman was innocent,” I said. “So did you ever have any theories about who really killed my sister?”
He was quiet for a moment. Then he shook his head. “No. I wish I did, because then I could’ve helped my brother more,” he said. “But Calista was really nice, and as far as I could tell, everyone liked her.”
My shoulders slumped. “Right.”
“But if I had to guess, I’d say jealousy was probably a motive,” he added.
“Jealousy?” My brows rose. “What makes you say that?”
“She was a beautiful, smart girl with a great future ahead of her. So if she had a jealous ex-boyfriend somewhere, and he somehow figured out that she’d moved on with Roman…
he might not have been able to accept it,” Julian said.
“Some men are like that. They see a woman they’ve been with as their eternal property, even if they’ve broken up. ”
“Is that how you see me?” I asked.
“I see you as mine, yes. But not as property. And I would never, ever hurt you. Even if you said you never wanted to see me again.”
“Okay,” I murmured. “Anyway, I… um… thanks. For respecting my wishes.”
Something flickered across his face then. Disappointment, maybe, or resignation. “Of course. I would never force you into anything. So if you…” He trailed off, then shook his head. “If you need me, tell one of the maids. They'll know how to reach me.”
Then he was gone, the door closing quietly behind him.
I stood there for a long moment, staring into space, feeling a confusing tangle of emotions.
Relief. Obviously. He was gone. I'd have a whole month without his intense stare, his possessive touches, his constant reminders that he considered me his.
But beneath that relief was something else.
Something that felt uncomfortably like guilt.
Like maybe I'd been too harsh. Like maybe I should’ve…
No.
I shook my head sharply, pushing the thought away. I'd done the right thing. Julian had stalked me, terrorized me, hunted me. The fact that he'd also protected me, killed for me, that he'd even risked his life for me… it just couldn’t erase the white-knuckled terror he’d made me feel in the past.
I couldn't let myself forget that. Couldn't let his intensity and his declarations of devotion make me lose sight of who he really was. Even if some traitorous part of me already missed him.
I moved to the table and lifted the silver cloche, revealing the dinner beneath. My appetite had vanished, but I forced myself to eat anyway, because I was going to need my strength for what came next.
One month of training before the proving ritual.
One month to work with Roman on finding Cal's killer.
One month without Julian's overwhelming presence making it impossible to think straight.
One month to figure out what the hell I was going to do about the undeniable pull between us; the thing I couldn't name, couldn't acknowledge, but couldn't seem to deny either.
I took a bite of salmon and tried not to think about the look on Julian's face when he left. Tried not to wonder if I'd just made a terrible mistake…