Chapter 31
Chapter Thirty-One
I ignore Kimo’s calls and texts all weekend. I make myself scarce at my apartment in case he drops by, and I go to a different gym location to work out so we don’t bump into each other at the other one.
So far as I’m concerned, it’s all over. I tried it out, and it didn’t work. I’ll learn from my mistakes, just like I always do. There are people you can’t cut out of your lives no matter how many times they let you down, like your sisters, but random flip-flopped men you meet in men’s locker rooms and happen to get kidnapped with? Nope. Those kinds of people get exactly one chance, and he’s used his up.
That’s the policy I’ve had to live by. I’ve been adrift at sea my entire life, clinging to my life raft, and if I let go, that’s it. I’m lost. There’s no way I can keep treading water without it.
And yes, this specific metaphor terrifies me, but that’s the point. I need to be scared. I got too complacent. I let down my guard.
Never again.
Of course, that might end up making things awkward at work for as long as we still have Kimo’s case, but only if he makes it a problem. I’m a professional. And I’m a stone-cold bitch. I can handle it.
The moment I see Kimo through the window in Jay’s office on Monday morning, I immediately second-guess myself. My heart starts pounding. My palms become slick with sweat. For a moment, it feels like I’ve forgotten how to walk, and I stumble a bit before correcting myself.
You’re fine , I snap at myself, irritated at that show of weakness. Pull yourself together, Matilda Polina Markov!
Despite this, I can’t keep my eyes from darting back to Kimo. He’s seen me now, and our eyes lock together for a moment. He says something quickly to Jay, and I know he’s making his excuses so he can come out and talk to me. I hurry to my desk, determined to be desperately busy by the time he finds me.
Even technology is against me today, though. When I make it to my computer, I see that a software update has just started with approximately twelve minutes left. “ черт побери! ” I mutter under my breath.
“Mattie?”
At the sound of Kimo’s voice, my entire body reacts. It’s like it’s forgotten that I need to be impervious to him because I can no longer trust him. My heart stutters, my mouth runs dry, and I pivot toward him without meaning to.
Our eyes meet. Kimo’s hazel eyes are teddy-bear soft. It looks like he might have dressed up to come see me. He’s still wearing those stupid flip-flops, but he’s in nice dress slacks and a button-up shirt. That might have meant something to me, if I hadn’t turned off all emotions toward him completely.
“Can we talk?” he asks quietly.
I look pointedly back toward Jay’s office. “Don’t you have a meeting?”
“I just had something to sign.” He leans in toward me, lowering his voice even further. “It could have waited, but I wanted to see you.”
“Well, I’m busy,” I snap, almost before he’s had a chance to finish.
Kimo looks pointedly at the update timer on my computer screen, which still clearly shows the desktop is completely useless at the moment. I ignore it, and him, sitting down in my chair and pretending to rifle through one of my drawers for something very important that has to be found right this moment.
“Mattie, please. Just give me five minutes. We can grab a quick cup of coffee, I’ll explain everything?—”
“Barry!” I call loudly through the thin partition separating our cubicles. “Mr. Kapono wants coffee. Can you show him to the break room?” I lock eyes with Kimo, unflinching. “I’m busy.”
Barry’s head pops over the partition. He’s so quick that it’s obvious he was listening in. “Sure thing. Right this way, Mr. Kapono...”
An obviously reluctant Kimo lets Barry lead him back toward the break room, and I don’t check to see if he looks back at me, no matter how much I’m tempted to do so. Because that would be weak.
Fortunately, my computer is functioning again by the time they return, and I really am busy answering emails. As I sense someone approaching, I tense and look up. To my surprise, it’s Barry, not Kimo.
Barry looks...weird. It takes me a minute to place what’s happened. His forehead is wrinkled with concern, and his face has gone all soft and furrowed, like he’s just gotten out of seeing a really sappy Christmas movie and he feels moved by the spirit of kindness. It’s such a specific look that I know instantly what’s happened.
He’s been Kimo’d.
“Hey. So, I was just talking to Kimo.”
I roll my eyes. “I’ll bet you were.”
Barry either doesn’t get my sarcasm, or he just chooses to ignore it. “He’s awfully sorry about what happened. But there’s a good explanation for it. For the record, I can confirm that Jay called him in, and he was here at the building?—”
I glance behind me to see Kimo standing a few cubicles back, obviously listening in. When he sees me looking, he ducks behind a partition.
“Oh, for God’s sake!” I rise to my feet, folding my arms to show just how unamused I am by this whole spectacle. What is this, seventh grade? Sending his buddy in to see if I still like him? What’s next—a note where I’m supposed to circle yes or no to the school dance? This is my place of work—and more to the point, this is my heart . Not some juvenile game.
I direct my words toward where Kimo is hiding. “It’s water under the bridge. It’s fine.” It’s not fine, obviously, but I don’t want him to know how not fine it is for me. “No hard feelings. We can all be great work colleagues now, and nothing else, and that’s fine .”
I march down toward Jay’s office, fully aware that Kimo is following me. “Mattie, wait. Just talk to me?—”
Rapping sharply on Jay’s door, I let myself in at his call. He’s sitting at his desk, typing at his computer with an intense, furrowed brow, but his face smooths out into a smile when he sees me. “Matilda, good morning. Can I help you with something?”
“The gala’s this weekend, right?” Jay doesn’t know that Kimo’s standing just a few feet away, listening to this conversation, but I do, and I play this moment for all it’s worth. “I wanted to ask you about the dress code. I’ve bought a new dress, but I’m worried it’s too provocative.”
I haven’t bought any such dress, but I will as soon as I’m off work. Even if I have to splurge and put it on one of my credit cards—what do I care? I don’t have student loan payments anymore.
Jay straightens up, clearing his throat. “Just how provocative are we talking?”
He’s pitched his voice low, but I’m hoping his voice will still carry out to Kimo. I answer him with a flirtatious smile, leaning up against the door. “Well, the thigh slit cuts up to here...” I slowly drag a finger up my leg, stopping only when I see Jay’s eyebrow start to rise. “And it’s very low-cut. I don’t think I’ll be able to wear a bra with it.” I widen my eyes a bit, affecting an innocent look, which is negated by the smile tugging at my lips. “I might not even be able to wear panties with it, come to think of it.”
This is a super risky game. If I was wrong about Jay’s interest in me, or he thinks I’ve crossed a line, I could actually lose my job. Two weeks ago, that would have been my top concern. Now I’m surprised to find that I don’t give a flying fuck. My heart is on the warpath, and apparently I’m adopting a scorched-earth policy.
Jay clears his throat. “I think that sounds...just fine.” He shifts in his seat, holding my gaze. “You’ll find we have a much more lenient policy at our gala than during normal work hours. Anything goes.”
Two weeks ago, I would have been thrilled by Jay’s response. Now all I really care about is whether Kimo heard our exchange or not.
“I’m looking forward to it,” I tell him before pushing away from the door.
As I walk back to my cubicle, I look for Kimo but feel my heart stutter a little bit when I see he’s already gone.