Chapter 6 Nyx #2
“Do you want to make a wish, Nyx?”
“Yes,” I whisper, my heart still floundering under my ribs in its confusing mad dash. It beats faster as he pushes the flower in my direction, and I handle it as though it’s precious. Significant.
Carefully, I hold it up to inspect the tiny centers of the seeds as they cling to its core. “How do I…” I trail off as I meet his eyes, and I’m torn wide open as this warmth floods my whole body. It fills me with such lightness I’m afraid I might float away without an anchor to ground me here.
And I don’t understand.
“Just think of something you want,” he says, almost in a whisper as he pats his chest over his heart. I wonder if his beats like mine… if he’s scared, too. “Don’t say it out loud. Picture it here. And then just… blow. Scatter the seeds into the wind.”
My attention returns to the dandelion, completely consumed by my need for more of this warmth.
It’s not this easy, never this easy, but for a moment, I pretend it could be.
Silently, I beg for more of this lightness.
Plead to those silent heavens and the fates who have forsaken me, and ask for more of these moments where there is no pain.
For times I can forget I was ever broken.
I wish I were whole again.
Breath fills my lungs, and I push it out, watching the white fluff scatter into the air to be carried away by the wind. Light trickles through their tiny wisps as I watch them, fascinated.
“I hope you get your wish,” Reyes says, shifting his box between his hands and stealing my attention with it. Another whiff of that delicious sweetness comes from inside, and my nostrils flare as his body language becomes nervous. “Um, Ronan has been teaching me a few things…”
“To fight, yes?”
“Well, yes, that, but I, uh…” His hand pushes through his thick curls and leaves one standing almost straight, suspended for a long moment before it flops back into place.
A heavy breath blows from his lips, and another loose curl flutters.
“He’s teaching me to cook? And… bake?” He releases a groaning laugh and shakes his head.
“That came out as a question, and it wasn’t a question.
Why do I keep doing that? Fuck, I’m ruining this. ”
“Reyes,” I say softly, and his eyes focus on mine as he swallows and nods.
“Meals around here usually have meat in them, and I noticed you don’t like to eat it. I asked Ronan to help me come up with recipes that you’ll enjoy… food that will give you the nutrients you need.”
Another rush of heat hits my cheeks as I hug my hands over my thin chest, and Reyes’s eyes widen.
“Please don’t take that the wrong way, Nyx.
I think you’re… absolutely perfect exactly as you are, and I don’t want to change anything about you.
You just… you need to eat more, and I want you to be healthy and…
” A frustrated whine leaves him as he tilts his face towards the sun. “I’m sorry. I’m fucking this up.”
My ears ring as I cling to myself harder, my fingers trembling as I force myself to ask, “You think I am… perfect?”
“Gods, yes,” he breathes, cautiously looking at me again, though his cheeks are deeply flushed. “These are… I made these for you.” He offers the box and grins when I pull it to my nose to take a deep whiff. “Go on, open it.”
Six domes sit inside when I lift the lid, and the sweetness hits me full force. My stomach rumbles as I inspect them. “Bread?”
“Muffins,” he corrects, biting at his lip.
“They are high in protein, and considering we used beans and peanut butter together, they’re actually delicious.
No meat. They’ve got berries, nuts, and honey, and should be easy on your stomach.
I’m experimenting with more recipes, and they might not all turn out as good as these, but… ”
He stops himself, forcing his lips to clamp shut as he takes a steadying inhale. “But?” I finally hedge, and he blows out a drawn-out breath as he rests his hands on his hips.
“Someone needs to look out for you.”
It’s such a simple statement, but it hits me in the chest, ripping that strange wound inside me wide open. “No one…” My throat constricts, and my words shatter, unable to escape my mouth in one piece. “No one has taken care of me in a very long time.”
“I’d like to try,” he whispers.
“Why?” I demand, swinging my damp eyes to meet his.
He stares at me for a few breaths, his chest rising and falling as his eyes flicker across my face.
“Because you deserve it,” he finally says, his voice pained, and a quiet sob escapes me before I can catch it.
He reaches for me like he wants to comfort me, but he hesitates before letting his hand fall to his side.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you, Nyx,” he whispers, sweet and oh, so gentle.
So much softer than he speaks with anyone else.
That lightness inside me buzzes as I tell myself not to get carried away in its glow.
Not to dream or wish for things I don’t understand, even with the dandelion seeds to protect them.
A simple kindness means nothing more, and hope is a dangerous tool to a broken soul.
But I can still bask in its warmth.
“Not hurt,” I manage to say, and a sheen takes over his eyes as he nods towards the box in my hands.
“Try these and tell me how they taste. We will experiment with different recipes to see what you like best, and find something you love.” He turns to walk away, and I can’t stand the thought of being alone. Not right now. Not when all these thoughts are a whirlwind inside my mind.
I reach for him, snagging the edge of his shirt and holding on. He freezes, just as surprised as me at the contact, and holds perfectly still as I breathe, “Wait.”
“Yeah?” His voice is rough as I release him, and it doesn’t escape my notice that he swipes a hand across his face before turning towards me again.
“Stay,” I plead as I search his eyes, hoping to find clarity there that might help me make sense of these confusing emotions. Everything is hot and cold, slow-moving but too fast, and cloudy and overwhelming, and I don’t understand any of it.
I only know that I don’t want him to leave.
“Stay?”
“You…” I trail off, my mind muddy, and try again. “You… I…” My hand shoves through my hair as a quiet whine forms in my throat. Fear and anxiety turn into a physical thing and steal my voice. They wipe the words from my head and leave me blank. Empty, but longing to say more.
And I hate it.
I hate that I can’t communicate what I want…
that I can’t even understand what I’m so desperate to say.
The blaring afternoon sun does nothing to soothe the bone-deep chill that makes my limbs quiver, and my gaze falls back to the ground.
I can’t look at him. Won’t. Pity would be unbearable, and anything touching anger would fracture these precarious bindings that allow me to hold myself together.
“Oh, Nyx,” he whispers, and I squeeze my eyes closed as a single traitorous tear trails down my cheek. “We, uh… we never ate alone together.”
Surprise makes my gaze flip up to his, and I catch a flurry of emotions. Sadness, and a deep-seated rage I instinctively know isn’t aimed at me. A silent understanding that the others seem incapable of grasping.
But no pity.
“What?” I manage to ask, and he flashes me a sad smile as he gestures at the muffins.
“We said we could eat alone… together. Something tells me neither of us wants to be by ourselves right now.”
A shuttering inhale fills my lungs as I close my eyes and breathe through the oppressive hands of my past that squeeze me like a vise. I nod, able to form only a single word.
“Yes.”
“That’s great, that’s… really great,” Reyes says, gesturing towards the forest. “A few weeks ago, I found this beautiful spot, and it even has some flat rocks we could sit on to eat. I haven’t shown anyone else, so maybe it could just… be ours? Is that alright?”
A single dandelion seed hovers above our heads, and as I watch it float, I wonder if it’s the one that holds onto my wish. If it’s the one with the power to help me hold on to this light.
My eyes move to his, and I let their warmth fill me. It doesn’t replace those cold, fractured parts of me, but it calms them. It sneaks between the cracks and illuminates those long-hidden pieces that were once happy.
It reminds me that someday I might be happy again.
Right now, that’s enough.
Reyes waits for a response, so I take a deep breath and, for the first time in so many years, I decide to be brave. For him. For Elas and Ronan, and the others who have shown me this is a world worth being brave for.
“Yes.”