Chapter 16 Nyx
Nyx
Life flashes in a series of disconnected snapshots.
Moments in time dance between dreams and reality, and I’m so lost in them I can’t tell if I’m awake or asleep.
Reyes touching my hand, and the impossible realization as it shocked my body.
Bright light pouring into the deep, fractured spaces within me, weaving and working, seeking to mend them.
Trying to fix what’s never been fixable.
He doesn’t know.
He doesn’t know.
Mechanical words leaving my mouth, telling him to go and that I’ll be fine when I’m not fine. I’m not fine. All I want to do is scream and shout and beg for him to stay. But he doesn’t stay. He leaves.
The back of his head walking into the forest.
One last glance over his shoulder.
Alone.
Always alone.
Empty.
Fractured memories of when destiny mocked me once before. A decades-old broken promise of a life I was never allowed to live. Shattered potential and cruel twists and what have I done to deserve this?
The Fates have spent their lives mocking mine, and I won’t survive it again.
Thick bark grinds against my back as I slide to the ground, and tears rush down my cheeks. Boomerang howls at my side, calling to the others, but I don’t want them.
I want him, and he’s gone.
It hurts too much for my body to bear, and I stop fighting to hold the pain inside when it only wants to escape.
My tears are a river, and my sobs violent, broken storms that rip from my chest into the night.
I have no memory of the sun setting, but it doesn’t matter.
Power churns in my stomach, and the plants reach for me, draining my energy as I feed them my anguish.
Darkness and quiet.
I welcome the numbness.
Welcome its peace.
Rainwater stirs me awake and the smell reminds me of my flower, but it’s so cold. He isn’t cold. He’s heat and warmth and safety, and I don’t feel safe here. More vines twist and coil around me as the fog settles in my mind, and I willingly fall back into its murky embrace.
The world is muffled, distant noises that sound as though they are miles away.
Heat surrounds me as my body is jostled, and I nestle into the comfort it brings.
My eyelids flutter open, and his face is blurred like I’m staring at it through a foggy window.
Those sad, heavy eyes land on mine, and they’re so familiar.
“I think I’ve been dreaming of you my whole life,” I whisper. Absolute darkness creeps over my field of vision, and one final thought chases it through my addled mind.
If this is a dream, I’ll happily stay asleep forever.
Consciousness floods back in a rush of sensations that snap my eyes open, and I struggle to make sense of what’s happening.
I’m warm and dry, not chilled to the bone by pouring rain. The trees don’t swallow me with their shadows, and my magic no longer drains my energy. My eyes adjust to the faint sunlight that streams through the vine-covered window, and I realize it’s morning, and I’m home.
Reyes sits on the floor beside my bed, fast asleep.
Onyx curls jut wildly off his head, catching the light in the same deep shade of mahogany as the flowers I love so much.
His cheek is smooshed against the mattress, pushing his lips into a pucker as he breathes steadily.
The potent rush of relief makes me draw in a heavy breath, and like he’d been waiting for a sign, his eyes open too.
“You’re awake,” he whispers, and I try to swallow, but my throat is so dry my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth.
I nod in a barely there dip of my chin and realize there’s a pillow under my head—one that smells of him.
Reyes rises to his knees, his cheek flushed pink and indented with a faint line from the edge of the mattress, but he’s alert.
“I’m sorry… gods, I’m so sorry.” His voice is just as quiet as before, like he’s afraid too much noise will pop this bubble we’re in.
Tears pool in his eyes, reflecting the light in amber droplets.
“I shouldn’t have left you. If I had known…
” He trails off and glances at where my hand rests underneath the blanket, and I work it loose to stare at the golden glow on my knuckles.
“I never would’ve gone. Never. Please believe me. ”
I struggle with another swallow, and Reyes must realize, because he reaches for a glass of water on the table. It hits me then.
He’s seen this side of me.
The side that still lives in that place, and longs for the familiarity of those bars.
The one that can never seem to escape.
Shame burns my face as my eyes dart away, staring at the empty corners of this room. Thick, rancid embarrassment closes my throat, and I can’t breathe.
“Hey… hey, it’s alright,” Reyes soothes, his eyes widening as he reaches for me but hesitates. He’s locked in a moment of indecision, and I want the ground to open up and swallow me.
It isn’t alright.
None of this is alright.
“Please, sweetheart, can you try to sit up and drink something?” Fresh tears pool in my eyes, triggered by the simple show of care and the concern he can’t hide.
No one has ever cared, but that isn’t why I cry.
I cry for the weight of my chains that now drag him down.
“Please?” he repeats, and the desperate pleading in his tone convinces my limbs to move. I shakily rise into a sitting position, leaning against the wall behind me for support. The blanket falls away, exposing a shirt on my body that isn’t mine.
“I’m sorry,” he croaks, and when I glance at his face, that same devastation is written all over him.
“You were so cold out there in the rain, and I was so scared, Nyx. I carried you home and changed your clothes. I was careful and didn’t…
I didn’t see anything. And I know you might not have wanted me to touch you, but I had to take care of you.
You probably don’t want me here, but I couldn’t leave you. Not again.”
My head tilts as I process his words. A lifetime of no authority over my body means I’ve always considered it someone else’s possession. Something that belonged to others, and that ownership gave them the right to handle me in any way they saw fit.
And now he cries, asking forgiveness for the only affectionate touches I’ve ever known.
Too good.
He is too good to be wasted on me.
And still, I give in to this curiosity, despite knowing I shouldn’t. As I reach for the glass of water, my fingers graze over his. Tiny sparks jolt over my skin where we touch, but it doesn’t hurt.
My pain doesn’t come from the mark.
It comes from understanding I can never offer him what he deserves.
I pull the cup from his hand before I allow myself to want more of this contact. The first sip soothes the scratchiness in my mouth and throat, and it makes me greedy. I tip it up, taking great swallows to quench my thirst.
“Easy,” Reyes murmurs, gently gripping the end of the glass to keep me from drinking so fast, and I obediently give myself a moment to swallow. “Don’t make yourself sick. You need to eat something if you think you can. Ronan brought some muffins yesterday.”
“Yesterday?” I ask, my voice coming out weak as I catalogue the stress on his face. The wrinkles on his forehead are deeper than usual, and dark bags paint the skin under his eyes. “How long…?”
He tries to offer me a reassuring smile, but there’s no hiding the pain behind it. “We’ve been back for three days. I’m not sure how long you were… asleep… before that.”
“How long were you gone?” I ask, and Reyes busies himself in the kitchen, carrying half a muffin on a small plate that he presents to me. I tear off a piece and chew, and he gestures at the bed.
“Can I sit?” I nod, and he’s careful as he joins me, leaning against the wall with his knee barely brushing mine. “We were gone for two and a half days. I would never have left if I had realized, Nyx. The mark didn’t form until nighttime, and I was asleep, and…”
“It is okay,” I whisper, but he shakes his head.
“It isn’t. I should’ve been here for you.
If I had been here, you wouldn’t have been hurting like this.
I could’ve protected you.” He sighs, rubbing his thumb over the glowing marks that dot the inside of his hand.
“We were already there, but I wanted to turn around and come right back. Taryn and Lillith insisted we finish the job we came for, and I fought, Nyx, I really did, but it wasn’t my choice. ”
“Did you? Finish?”
He nods, pointedly gesturing at my muffin, and doesn’t continue until I eat. “We found everything we went for, and I looked for you as soon as we got back.”
“I am sorry,” I whisper, and his eyes are confused as they whip to mine.
“Why are you sorry?”
Quiet falls between us, and I take another bite to give my mind time to consider my words. “You do not want this,” I finally say. “Not with me.”
He rears back as if I slapped him. “Why would you think that?”
“You deserve better. Someone who is not…” I shrug, staring at my plate. “Damaged.”
“You aren’t damaged.”
“I am,” I insist, my voice louder than I intend. His eyes turn pleading as he stares at me, waiting for more. “I don’t even know why I fall apart sometimes. Every tiny, silly thing breaks me. Scared, always so scared. Of everything. Even you.”
“You’re scared of me?” He whispers the words, but the emotion in them makes me close my eyes.
“Of not being enough, yes. What could I offer you?”
“Who said you have to offer me anything?” he demands, and his timid concern gives way to frustration.
“Me. You deserve so much,” I argue, “but I have nothing. I have always had nothing. Look around. I am trapped.”
He’s quiet for a moment, chewing on his bottom lip until it swells. “If you can’t leave that place, then let me come inside with you. You don’t have to do it alone.”
“I don’t know any other way.” My fingers grip the blanket, squeezing its warmth as I continue to stare at the bed. “You deserve better.”