34. Chapter 34
A fter leaving Reynard and Orm, I’d spent some time trying to piece together my broken heart. But it didn’t work, not even a little. Wherever I turned, soldiers bowed or thanked me, and their whispers followed me everywhere. None of it seemed real. How were they celebrating when so many had died?
It was at that moment I realised something. These men hadn’t expected to survive, let alone win. As I walked through the camp, I started noticing the haunted looks, the false bravado, and the looks they gave me as if I could somehow change their fate. So, even as each forced smile, each gentle pat to a bowed back, felt like a betrayal, I stopped and offered them the comfort and reassurance they needed.
At some point, Valaram, for whatever reason, decided to block my way with a concerned look on his face.
‘Annika, please let me help. Talk to me, lara’mei. Don’t let this grief fester when I can—’ he said, stepping closer, but I cut him off before he finished his sentence.
‘That is none of your concern, Ambassador. So please move.’ The harshness of my tone made him wince.
‘Perhaps not, but that ironclad rider of yours should be here for you. I ought to hammer that into his head.’
I looked at the dark fae mage. He had shadows under his eyes and he’d overused his power, and when I saw where we were, I knew he’d spent it healing everyone he could. He stepped closer, reaching for my hand, but I backed up, ignoring the forlorn look in his eyes. The expression disappeared before anyone else noticed, and his fingers curled into a fist as he dropped his hand to his side.
‘Leave Orm out of this,’ I said. ‘He has duties to attend to and can respect my wishes to be left alone. Can you do the same, or should I shatter another mountain to prove that to you?’
I was holding on by a thread. My mind was still refusing to acknowledge that Katja was gone, pretending she was safe in Varta, waiting for me there, snarky and unharmed. The last thing I needed was anyone’s compassion and the reminder that the sister of my heart was gone. Valaram had good intentions, but he didn’t understand I couldn’t talk about it right now.
‘Annika, that’s not what I was trying to say.’ He frowned, taken aback by my words.
I exhaled slowly, trying to centre myself. He just cares for you, I thought, but he was the wrong fae, it was the wrong time, and dealing with my own feelings was hard enough.
I forced a tight smile before turning away. ‘And that’s why you get to keep your pointy ears. Leave me alone, Val. I wish everyone would just leave me alone. ’ The last words I’d added quietly, but I heard his deep sigh behind me.
I continued around the camp, smiling and nodding, answering polite greetings and observing as the soldiers packed to march onwards. We were heading to Katrass, and I wondered if I would lose another piece of my heart there.
Whatever physical injuries I’d received were cured by the gentle hands of our healers, but some wounds cut deeper than magic could reach. Katja’s death and the hedge witches’ sacrifice crushed not just the mountain but my spirit, leaving me numb to the world.
‘Give me that, soldier.’ I reached out to a warrior taking a deep draught from a flask. The man’s initial protest died on his lips when he saw my outstretched hand.
‘Yes, my lady ... but ’tis not a drink for woman,’ he said, passing me the foul-smelling canteen.
‘Are you saying I can’t handle it?’ I challenged. ‘Here, take this as payment.’ I weaved the aether to fix a dent in his metal breastplate. As he examined his newly repaired armour, I took a sip, and the world blurred with tears as the alcohol burned its way down my throat.
To you, Katja. Maybe if I drink myself stupid, I won’t remember the raróg’s screech and the stench of your death .
I wandered some more, drinking from the borrowed flask. I shivered, tiredness catching up, but sleep eluded me. Every time I closed my eyes, my thoughts spiralled into a vortex of shame, guilt, and anger.
The night was buzzing with activity, and I sat on a large granite outcropping in the heather field, observing as the wounded were helped and the dead were cremated. Orm and Reynard were pulled in so many directions I doubted they noticed the time passing, but I was still out there, rocking back and forth, chilled to the bone, when the sun rose over a bloody horizon.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough. With each sip of the flask, the noises from the camp deadened. When the last drop fell onto my lips, I stood and walked undisturbed over the rough terrain. The gnarled trees were gone, burned or broken during the battle, and the hooves of heavy cavalry had ripped up chunks of the already sparse grass. My grief-fuelled magic had not only levelled the mountain but also created a small spring. Its bubbling water was still full of mud, but I could see the sediment already settling as I passed.
I ended up near the sleeping dragons, who were resting there until noon when the army would set off over the plateau that had once been the Lost Ridge Mountain.
A monument to my power ... and my failure.
I swallowed hard, shaking my head to clear the images flashing through my mind, the faces of the dead that came back to haunt me.
I know what you’d be saying to me now, Kat. That it was worth it, that we finally have a chance. It was true, and I would’ve happily sacrificed myself for it, but why did she have to pay the price instead?
My thoughts were a jumbled mess, not helped by exhaustion and alcohol, but in my mind’s eye, I saw Katja wearing the scowl she reserved for whenever she thought I was being too hard on myself.
Yeah, I know. I should get my arse in gear and see it through until the end ... I just need time, just a little more time.
The alcohol burned in my stomach, but it couldn’t fill the emptiness I felt inside. ‘Fuck! I’m not made of stone, alright? I just need time!’ I shouted, throwing the empty flask into the distance. The riders tending to their dragons turned to look at me but no one said a word.
‘Vahin,’ I cried out to my dragon, staggering across the field. A black shadow immediately descended from the sky, landing gracefully in front of me.
‘Little Flame?’ he answered, his body encircling me until I faced a wall of black scales glimmering with a faint blue glow.
‘I need you!’
A shuddered breath escaped my lips as I pressed my forehead to his neck. I could pretend for Orm’s sake, to lift morale, but my dragon knew my heart.
‘ Whatever you need, I’ll give it to you. The sadness in your heart is killing me. What can I do, Little Flame?’
Vahin sounded so sincere. I was hurting him, and I considered closing our connection, but I was too selfish to go through with it.
‘ I want Katja back. I want her to be alive, Vahin. ’
I clenched my fists, digging my nails deep into the flesh, wishing the simple gesture could wake me from this nightmare. As his pupils narrowed to a slit, I couldn’t take it anymore, and my grief spilled out.
‘Tell me there’s something—anything—I can do to bring her back. I’ll do it. I will crawl on my knees to the Dark Mother or Veles. I will fulfil any challenge. But, please, help me bring her back.’
He was silent, just gazing at me with a singular focus, and I dropped to the ground, clutching my knees and sobbing uncontrollably. I needed more alcohol to numb the pain, or at least the blissful ignorance of unconsciousness.
‘ There is no spell that can bring someone back once their body is destroyed. Even if there was, do you think Katja would want to live as a wraith ... or even worse, a spectre? ’ he asked.
‘ I just want her back. She didn’t deserve to die. She wasn’t even a soldier. ’
The tip of a forked tongue slid over my cheek, wiping my tears away.
‘ Nobody deserves to die, Little Flame, but we all do eventually. Even dragons can be killed. Katja lived by her own rules and died saving her friend. She lived a good life, and her death had meaning. She wouldn’t want you to mourn her like this. ’
There was truth in his words, but it was a truth I didn’t want to hear.
‘ Meaning? Being burned to a crisp by a fucking raróg? There’s no meaning in that. She’s fucking fertiliser for the damn grass. There wasn’t even enough left to bury. ’
An angry sob escaped me as I jumped up, pushing at Vahin’s neck to escape his embrace..
‘You have your memories—the love and legacy she left behind, Little Flame,’ he said with a rumbling purr. ‘For as long as you keep her memory alive, she will never be gone.’
‘Right, do you truly believe that? Just ... never mind. Can you do your mind trick? I need this pain to go away so I can survive long enough to rip that bastard’s heart out with my bare hands.’
Vahin hissed, jerking his massive head away. I’d felt his concern all this time, but it was nothing compared to the blast of raw emotion that hit me now.
‘Tampering with your emotions didn’t end well last time. Please don’t ask this of me, Little Flame.’
‘You asked me what you could do. I told you. So please, help me,’ I insisted, clenching my jaw as Vahin’s body unfolded, releasing me. I could sense his disapproval, but moments later, a wave of calm indifference washed over me.
‘ It is temporary. That’s all I’m willing to do. I’m no mage to take your feelings away, nor would I, even if you asked for it. I know it hurts. I know how much you loved her. But numbing yourself to the world is not the way. ’
‘ So says the dragon who hid inside his mind when the pain of losing his riders became too much to bear. ’
I regretted the thought as soon as it flashed through my mind, but I couldn’t take it back.
‘ You’re right. Humans aren’t the only cowards. ’
Vahin spread his wings and leapt into the sky. I’d hurt him. He didn’t block our bond despite my harsh words, but more than those, it had hurt him that I pushed him away.
My eyes followed his silhouette until only a shadow was visible, gliding between the clouds.
‘ I’m sorry, I didn’t mean ... ’
Was I really trying to excuse myself? The painful void in my heart was no excuse for lashing out with such cruelty.
‘ I know, Little Flame. Take your time and let me know when you need me to land, ’ he said, leaving me alone in the field.
I stood there, staring into the distance, but I couldn’t escape my guilt. As I turned and walked back to my tent, I decided to use the short respite Vahin had given me to push forward. I helped pack my tent and belongings away before hiding in one of the supply wagons, nursing all the moonshine I could buy from the soldiers.
For all I cared, the world could freeze, burn, or carry on regardless, but I was done for the day. I emptied the first bottle before we even set off, and when the wagon wobbled, finally moving, I was already drifting off into welcome oblivion.
‘You’re telling me she’s been here the whole time? I searched high and low, sending dragons to scout the area, thinking she’d run away. Or, the gods forbid, kidnapped, and she was here, drunk in the blacksmith’s wagon?’ Orm’s raised voice broke through my stupor, and I stretched, feeling every bone in my body creak in protest.
The wagon no longer rocked on the uneven road, and I realised we must have stopped somewhere. The bustling voices around us meant camp was setting up for the night. My stomach rumbled, and I stumbled in the darkness, kicking the empty bottles as I tried to stand up. The world was still spinning on its axis when I pulled back the heavily waxed linen curtains.
‘Yes, I’m here. Marching with the army like a good soldier should, just in a more prone position. I didn’t feel like riding a horse ... or a dragon,’ I said, finding Orm’s stunned expression. He rushed forward as I took a step to exit my transport, catching me before I landed face-first in the mud.
‘Annika Diavellar, I am endlessly happy that you are safe, but didn’t it cross your mind to let me know? We are in enemy territory, and you didn’t mention your choice of transportation—’ He sighed, pressing me to his chest. ‘Let’s put that aside for now, Nivale. You look like something the dragon chewed up and spat out. I won’t mention what you smell like,’ he said before scooping me up and marching away.
‘Well, thank you, gentle lord. It’s not like you smell like roses, either,’ I grumbled. I wouldn’t admit it even if the enemy broke my bones, but a part of me craved this love and attention. Craved the knowledge that, despite my actions, he still loved me.
I didn’t know where he was carrying me to, but as my mind slowly cleared, I took in the world around me.
The stench of stale water was overpowering. We were in a swamp, or some kind of marshland, where the ground undulated beneath Orm’s feet, and all the jolting made me nauseous.
‘Put me down,’ I groaned, desperately trying to keep my mouth closed.
‘No, we are going to the healers,’ he answered with a stony expression.
‘Put ... me ... down,’ I snapped, hitting his shoulder, the moonshine threatening to decorate his armour. Understanding dawned in his eyes, and he hastily set me on my feet, catching my braid moments before I expelled whatever was sloshing around in my stomach.
‘I should have known better,’ he murmured, wiping the sweat off my forehead and pressing me to his chest the moment I was done.
‘Yes, you should have. It’s just a hangover. Not my first, and unlikely to be my last. I’ll live, just ... I need some water,’ I groaned, the burning in my throat subsiding.
‘Did you find her, Commander?’ Valaram’s voice from behind Orm made me roll my eyes. Of course, it had to be him.
‘Yes, he did, and now you have, too, so you can shake hands and point me to the nearest tent. I need water and a place to sleep. Where is Vahin?’ I asked before I remembered how poorly I had treated him. ‘You know what, never mind.’
I couldn’t stomach Valaram’s pity. He wasn’t Ari, and the more he cared, the more I felt as if he was trying to step into my fae’s shoes. I wiggled in Orm’s arms, trying to force him to release me, but he tightened his grip.
‘Let me make one thing clear, Nivale. I’m not a man you can just send away. I’m also not a man that would let you drink yourself sick in a fucking wagon. I will take care of you whether you want it or not,’ he stated, before turning to Valaram. ‘As you can see, Ani is safe. I appreciate your help, but I need to be alone with my woman.’
Valaram nodded stiffly, his gaze lingering on my face, waiting for my confirmation. At my nod, he walked away, frowning. Once he’d gone, Ormond’s attention returned to me.
‘I can’t believe you tried to send me away, or that you lied to me when I asked how you felt,’ he said, carrying me to a small tent at the edge of the camp.
‘You have soldiers and riders who depend on you,’ I said. ‘I can manage.’
He shook his head. ‘Ani, we have an empress, two kings, and a prince. Any one of them can replace me. Why wouldn’t I want to help you? I can see how much you’re hurting. Did you know that Vahin was blaming himself for your disappearance? He thought you’d locked him out because of your argument. No one thought you’d be passed out in a wagon.’
Orm paused, taking a deep, calming breath. ‘I’m not mad at you, my love ... well, only a little. I know Katja was special to you, and I should have known this calm was just a facade. I’m sorry I didn’t push to stay by your side. I should have known better.’
He sat on the bed, settling me onto his lap, and grabbed a canteen. ‘Here, drink this, then we’ll talk.’
‘I don’t want to talk. I just got drunk and didn’t realise I’d be out for so long,’ I said, pulling away. ‘I didn’t leave or expose myself to danger; you’re making a mountain out of a molehill.’
‘I wish you could “just get drunk,” but you no longer have the luxury of hiding away. You are loved and respected by so many, and they will notice if you disappear—not just your friends or the dragons. The entire fucking army looks up to you as their personal saviour. They revel in your strength. Do you know what they’re calling you? The Harbinger of Light. Light, Annika. Brutal men who embrace death for breakfast are calling you their light, and their light can’t disappear without leaving the world in darkness.’
‘And if I want to? What will you do—chain me to a post, use my geas? I never asked for this. All those people you mentioned, do they know what I am? What I have become? I’m not their fucking light. I’m their death!’
My outburst left me exhausted, and my head hung limply as I let the tears fall to the floor.
‘Death? Sweetheart, are you blaming yourself for Katja’s death?’
‘Katja’s, the hedge witches’, it’s all on me,’ I answered. He sighed gently, taking a strand of my hair and wrapping it around his fingers.
‘I should have known when I saw that haunted look in your eyes. Katja’s death was tragic and cruel, but it could have been anyone standing there when the raróg attacked. And what hedge witches are you talking about?’
‘The peasant women from the borderlands. They sacrificed their lives so I could fight ... Weren’t you surprised I suddenly appeared on the battlefield? I was a broken mess the last time you saw me.’
He was confused and I could tell he didn’t understand. I explained how old Martha had used her magic so I could absorb the women’s life force to restore my power. The more I talked, the more he frowned. When I mentioned using the death spell, he stopped me.
‘Necromancers do that all the time’ he said. ‘I don’t see how your actions were any different.’
I huffed a brief laugh. ‘Necromancers work with death. The Dark Mother granted me a spell that fed on life. Death magic is forbidden for a reason. Only a madman feeds the spell with the lives of others because, in the end, the spell would consume them, too. I knew how it should’ve end when I accepted the sacrifice, but I needed my power back and the women ... they wanted revenge.’
‘You shouldn’t blame yourself, Ani. It was their choice. You gave them what they wanted and more.’ Orm grasped my hands and placed them on his chest. ‘If I had to sacrifice nineteen riders to save the army, I wouldn’t hesitate. War leaves scars, and no one walks away from the battlefield intact. There are always choices to be made and blood to be spilt. I wish I could spare you from it, but I can’t. Life isn’t fair, but instead of taking the blame, think of how many lives you saved.’
‘Maybe, but Katja didn’t volunteer to die in my stead.’ I ground my teeth as I hammered his chest with my fists. ‘She was there because of me , and she died because the Dark Mother spared my thread.’
‘You can’t know that,’ Orm argued, but I turned my gaze away because having said it out loud made it even more real. He wrapped his arms around me. ‘Oh, love, you carry a burden that would crush the strongest heart. It’s not your fault. Katja’s death is not your fault; the hedge witches’ were not your fault. Even if you took their lives and the goddess spared your thread, it was their choice, not yours.’
Orm cupped my face, urging me to look him in the eyes, his golden rims shining brightly. He knew now what I hid inside, yet he still held me close to his heart. He pulled me off his lap and gently sat me on the bed before kneeling at my feet.
‘I failed you. I’m your Anchor, but I let you down, let you suffer alone and seek solace in a bottle. I’ll do better, but you have to promise me—no more hiding. I’ll break any wall, any shell you build around yourself. You are mine, Nivale, and even if your heart bleeds smoke and pain, I will be there to chase the shadows away. All you have to do is let me in.’
I nodded, unable to speak. Orm’s love unlocked the layers of grief, and even long after we went to bed, my gentle bear of a man held me close, stroking my back as I cried myself to sleep.