Chapter 53
Chapter
Fifty-Three
Britta
T he sautéed padwump on my plate had long since gone cold, but I couldn't stop pushing it around with my fork. The cadet dining hall felt eerily quiet without its usual cacophony of voices bouncing off the vaulted ceiling. Now it was just Jess and me at the end of one of the long, wooden tables, our voices barely echoing in the vast space.
"I mean, stealth mode is one thing, but complete radio silence?" Jess was saying, her worry about Torq evident in the way she kept twisting her napkin. "What if we can't find them once we get into Kronock space? What if—"
I nodded automatically, making what I hoped were appropriate sounds of agreement, but my mind was elsewhere. Back in the simulation, in that cavern near the Gilded Peaks. The memory of Kann's arms around me as he pulled me back from the pit's edge was so vivid, I could almost feel the heat of his body against mine. The way his eyes had darkened just before he kissed me, how his lips had felt against mine, gentle at first and then hungry.
And the cadet quarters in the dormitory. Grekking hell, that room. My face heated at the memory of being pushed onto the bed, his hands in my hair, the way he'd whispered my name like a prayer. The taste of him, the feel of his heartbeat beating in tandem with mine—
"Britta!" Jess's exasperated voice snapped me back to reality. "You haven't heard a word I've said, have you?"
I forced myself to meet her gaze. "Sorry, I was just..."
"Something's wrong." Jess set down her fork with a decisive clang. "It's been two days since you got out of that simulation, and you've been acting strange ever since." She leaned forward, lowering her voice. "Did something bad happen in there? Something you're afraid to talk about?"
My throat tightened. How could I tell her that Kann had broken my heart? That every memory I had of him—of us—meant nothing because he didn't remember any of it? "I'm fine," I managed. "Just nervous about the mission, like you."
Jess's eyes narrowed, clearly not believing me. She opened her mouth to argue, but movement at the entrance caught both our attention. Then I spotted the tall swirl of blue hair that could be no one else.
“Hey, Reina!” Jess waved as the Vexling approached us, her hot- pink paisley dress like a beacon in the sea of dark uniforms.
Reina pressed a hand to her chest when she reached us. “I’m so glad I found you girls.”
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
“Fine, fine.” She fluttered her unusually long fingers at us. “Fiona did ask me to find you, so you all could review the final mission plan before leaving. She thought you might be here.”
I bit back a groan. How was I going to handle going on the mission with Kann? I could barely think of him without my chest seizing. And now I was supposed to board a spacecraft with him? Was it possible to call out sick for a space rescue?
“Is she in her office in Strategy?” Jess asked
Reina bobbed her head, and her gravity-defying hair swayed. “She and Noora are there together.”
Jess and I exchanged a glance. Noora? Was the admiral’s wife now involved with the mission?
Before we could follow Reina, there was a shuffling at the entrance to the dining hall that drew our attention. Kann was pushing through a cluster of Drexian cadets at the doors, slightly out of breath, his eyes scanning the hall until they locked onto mine. My heart did a painful flip in my chest as he strode toward us as if on a mission.
Jess jumped to her feet. "Is it news about the rescue team?"
"No." Kann barely glanced at her, his gaze fixed on me. "Britta, I need to apologize. I need to beg for your forgiveness."
Heat crawled up my neck as both Jess's and Reina’s heads whipped toward me. I stood quickly, my chair scraping against the floor. "There's nothing to apologize for." I tried to move past him, but his hand caught my arm.
"I remember." His voice was rough with emotion. "I remember everything."
My heart constricted painfully. "Let me go, Kann." I tried to pull away, fighting the tears that threatened to spill. I’d been so sure I’d cried them all out, but they’d sprung to my eyes as fresh as ever.
No, no, no! I couldn't do this, couldn't let him in again only to have him hurt me once more. The only way to stay safe was to keep him out, keep feelings out, keep my heart behind a wall.
Instead of releasing me, he pulled me closer. "Every kiss," he said, his voice dropping to that velvet purr that made my knees liquify. "Every touch. Every moment we shared. The way you taste, the sounds you make when I kiss you, how perfectly you fit in my arms."
Jess made a sound between a gasp and a squeal and Reina flapped her hands wildly, but I barely registered it, too caught up in the intensity of Kann's gaze.
"I'm sorry," he continued, his thumb stroking my arm. "Sorry for not remembering sooner, for making you think what we had wasn't real. For ever making you doubt my love for you."
I froze. "You... love me?"
He nodded, bringing his free hand up to cup my cheek. "I have never loved any female, but I know without a shadow of doubt that I love you." His eyes searched mine. "And I think you love me too."
I wanted to run. Wanted to protect what was left of my heart. But he was right—my heart was already his, had been since that first kiss in the cavern. Since before that, if I was honest with myself.
"Please," he whispered, resting his forehead against mine. "Let me prove myself to you. Let me show you how real this is, how real we are."
A tear slipped down my cheek even as I made a futile attempt to pull away. But Kann did not release me. Instead he wrapped both arms around me, holding me in an embrace that was as comforting as it was terrifying.
“If you give me another chance, I will spend the rest of my days proving to you just how much I love you,” he husked, as he pulled back to meet my gaze. “That is, if you love me back.”
For maybe the first time since I’d met the Drexian, the cocky smirk was gone, replaced by a tentative, questioning look that was shockingly vulnerable. And it almost broke me.
Every emotion I’d kept in check, every feeling I’d suppressed, every memory I’d fought to ignore came rushing back.
"I do love you," I whispered back with a sob. “I wish I didn’t. Believe me, it would be a lot simpler if I didn’t, but I do."
With a groan, he crushed his lips to mine, and every wall I'd built around my heart crumbled to dust. I melted into him, my fingers curling into the fabric of his uniform as his arms wrapped around me. He kissed me like he was trying to make up for lost time, like he was trying to prove every word he'd just said, and I let myself believe in it.
In him. In us.
As Kann’s lips moved hungrily against mine, I knew. This was real. It had always been real. When nothing else had been real, what we’d had had been real— was real.
When we finally broke apart, breathless and pressed together, Jess cleared her throat. I'd completely forgotten she was there—or Reina. My friend’s arms were crossed, one eyebrow was raised, and one foot was tapping an impatient rhythm on the floor.
Her lips quirked into a smile. “I’m thinking you left out some pretty significant details about what happened in that simulation."
Reina blinked rapidly, her already large eyes enormous. “I think I need to tell Fiona and Noora that there will be a delay.”
Kann grabbed my hand and started to pull me away. “She’ll have to fill you in later, Jess.” He smirked at Reina. “Tell them it will be a long delay. Hours.” He turned his wolfish grin on me. “Maybe days.”
A laugh burst from my mouth as I glanced back to see Jess’s jaw drop, and Reina’s hands flail. “Sorry!” I waved, and then I let Kann sweep me into his arms and carry me from the dining hall.
But I wasn’t really sorry. Not for any of it.