Chapter Twenty-Four
Joel
Zoe falls quiet after that. We continue to walk, but her shoulders have slumped, and I can feel how her spirits have sunk.
When we reach the seat by the river, I pull her onto it, while Howard splashes in the shallows, looking for stones.
“Come here,” I say to her, and I bring her into my arms and give her a hug. “I’m so, so sorry. I feel as if I’ve said the wrong thing.”
“No,” she murmurs, “you were right. I’ve been thinking very selfishly, just about myself and what I want. Not about Rory, really, or about my mum.”
“I think what you’ve been feeling is perfectly understandable, and I’m not surprised you’re angry at her. I don’t agree with what they did to you, Zoe. It doesn’t matter that you’d had an operation, or that you were struggling with the fact that you’d had a baby so young. They should have been big enough people to tell the world you’d had a baby, and to say they were going to support you, get you counseling, and help you look after him until you were ready. To go through the process of adoption and not think about how you were going to feel about that ten years down the line… it’s unforgivable.”
She looks up at me, her eyes shining. “Thank you,” she whispers. “I needed to hear that. All this time, I tried to tell myself I’m wrong to be angry with them. I’m not stupid—I know they did it because they thought it was best for both me and Rory at the time. So I’ve tried to accept it. And all it’s done is eat me up inside.”
I hold her tightly, and when she buries her face in my neck, I kiss the top of her hair. “You’ve been through so much,” I murmur. “And then to have Charles be so unsupportive…”
“His family has issues with depression,” she says, “and he didn’t want any part of a damaged girl who might have issues in later life. He wanted someone clean and untouched by mental health issues, and I guess I can’t blame him for that.”
“I can,” I say fiercely, feeling a surge of fury. “Fucking idiot.”
She gives a short laugh. “I love you for that,” she says, kissing my neck.
We sit there like that for a while, wrapped in each other’s arms, listening to the river as it tumbles over the rocks. Howard adds to the rapidly growing pile of stones at our feet, content with his task.
“So I suppose I have to let Rory go,” Zoe says eventually, her voice sad.
I kiss her hair again. “There might be other options. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar, right? You could talk to your mum about a compromise. Like… you agree to let her take him to Darwin, but that he comes and stays with you for a few weeks during the school holidays? And you agree not to tell him you’re his mum, but when he turns eighteen, the two of you sit down with him and tell him the truth? That way he’d be old enough to make up his own mind about it all. Obviously, I don’t know, but I suspect he might want to spend more time with you when he knows everything. I would, anyway.”
“Another nine years,” she says.
“It’s a long time, I know. It’s very harsh on you.”
She watches Howard snuffling about in the undergrowth. “At least your way, it’s not all or nothing. The thought that one day he might know makes me feel better.”
“I think he should know the truth eventually.”
She looks up at me, then. Her eyes are full of wonder. “Thank you so much for talking to me about it.”
“I just hope I haven’t let you down. “
“Not at all. You’ve been honest, and that matters to me more than anything.”
I lower my head and touch my lips to hers. They’re cool and soft, and we kiss slowly in the dappled sunlight.
Eventually, she moves back and gives me a hug again. “Thank you for bringing me here. You were right. It is the perfect place to think.”
“Yeah. There’s just something about it here that’s conducive to the brain and healing.”
“I feel better. Like the sun has come out for the first time in years.”
“Then it was worth it.” I play with her hair, studying the way the sun brings out the purple tones in the dark strands. “You said before that you don’t think you could adopt. Why was that?”
She’s quiet for a moment. Then she says, “I don’t know. At the time I was all tied up in knots about telling you the truth.”
“So do you think it’s something you could do one day? There are babies and children out there who are desperate for loving homes.”
Her green eyes study mine. “Maybe. Do you think you could adopt someone else’s child?”
“Maybe.”
Slowly, our lips curve up at this cautious acknowledgement that there might be a future for the two of us. I’m relieved to see that the fear and cautiousness has vanished from her eyes. For the first time, I think she feels that a man has accepted her for who she is.
She plays with my shirt button. “Long way to go yet, though. First of all you’ve got your interview.”
“Yeah.”
“Are you excited about it?”
“Kinda.”
She studies my face. “I’m sure you’ll get it because you’re so amazing, but you know whatever happens, I’m proud of you, right?”
I smile. “Thank you.”
“And don’t forget to put yourself first. That’s the most important thing.” She gets to her feet. “Come on, we should get back.”
Her words puzzle me a little. Is she saying I should forget about the fact that one of my best friends is also going for the promotion? I know that Manu really wants it, and that it would be so much better for him to settle in Wellington now his wife is pregnant. It has played on my mind a fair bit. But I guess Zoe’s right; at times like these it’s each man for himself, right?
We walk back through the forest, not saying much, content in each other’s company, while Howard finds a branch that’s far too big for him to carry and insists on dragging it along the path.
We have to wrestle it from him when we get to the gate, and Zoe picks him up, laughing as he covers her in wet footprints.
“I’m so sorry,” I say as we walk up to the house. “He’s such a monkey.”
She puts him down and grins as he races up to the front door. “He’s gorgeous.”
I open the front door and let him in, and we take off our shoes. “Why don’t you show me around?” she suggests.
So I take her hand, and we wander through the house while I show her my old bedroom and the living room where we used to hang out as kids.
“That’s where Elora and Linc used to read the atlas?” she asks, gesturing to the big wooden desk in front of the bay window.
“Yeah, she’d drape a sheet over it and pretend it was a tent, and he used to crawl under it and pester her to tell him what she was reading.”
“I hope she decides to go with him to Europe,” she says. “I know we’ll miss her, but it would be the adventure of a lifetime, right? Going to Germany and Italy and Spain and England, and taking part in all those excavations? That’s real archaeology, not reading about it in dusty books.” She goes over to the shelves of books, takes one out, and blows the dust off to illustrate her words.
I lean on the bookcase, watching her. “I know what you mean, but someone has to do all the research, the conservation, and the cataloging. Even Indiana Jones had a day job being a lecturer.”
“That’s true, I guess.” She slots the book back.
“You’ll finish your master’s this year, won’t you? What do you intend to do after that?”
“I don’t know,” she admits. “I like working at the museum. But it would have been nice to have had an adventure.” She flashes me a brief smile.
“Come into the kitchen,” I say softly. “I’ll make us a coffee.”
We spend the rest of the day talking, dozing, and taking walks, just recovering really after all the stress and hassle of the past week. As the sun begins to descend in the sky, we have dinner with Mum and Dad up at the pine table, a big crockpot of lamb stew that Mum’s made with crusty homemade bread followed by apple crumble and custard. Then, stuffed full, we all watch a movie together and finish off with a glass of wine before Zoe and I go off to bed.
Mum has put us in my old room, although it’s very different now from what it used to be and is now a guest room with a queen bed. But the shelf still bears my old books— Jaws, Moby Dick , Hemingway’s The Old Man and the Sea, Robinson Crusoe, Treasure Island , and Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea.
“Look at all these,” Zoe says, “you really were ocean mad, weren’t you?”
“Yep.” I grab her and fall back onto the bed with her in my arms, and she laughs as we bounce. “We need to keep the noise down,” she whispers, eyes dancing. “Your parents will hear us.”
“Don’t care,” I say, bringing her head down so I can crush her lips to mine. I feel inordinately happy after our conversation today, so glad that she seems to be looking forward at last, rather than back all the time.
Now, if I can just sort myself out, we might actually be getting somewhere.
*
On Sunday, we fly back to Wellington and part ways at the airport, promising to meet up on Monday after the interview.
“Do you think you’ll find out whether you’ve got it while you’re there?” she asks.
“No idea. Probably not.” I kiss her goodbye. “See you soon.”
“Mmm.” She lingers for another kiss, then wrenches herself away with a laugh. “Love you.” She waves and walks off.
I watch her go, surprised at her words. I’m not even sure she realizes she’s said them. My heart swells at the thought that she’s finally accepting she has feelings for me. I want to help her put the difficulties of her past behind her. I want the two of us to have an exciting, fulfilling life together.
If I could just sort out this strange, restless feeling I have inside, everything will be hunky dory.
I spend the rest of the day reading and making notes for the interview the next day. Fraser’s out until late, but when he comes in we have a chat for a while, and he asks me some questions and helps me prepare some answers.
I go to bed feeling as if I can’t be more ready, but even though I know it would be best to get a good night’s sleep, I end up lying awake for several hours, looking up at the ceiling, thinking, until I eventually crash out.
The next morning, I dress in my best suit and tie and go into the Wellington office of MOANA by eight thirty. Manu’s already there, similarly dressed in a smart suit, and we shake hands with a smile.
“You’re in at nine?” I confirm, although I know that’s the case. I came early so I could see him before he went in.
He nods. “And you’re ten-thirty?”
“Yeah.”
“Good luck,” he says.
“You too.”
“May the best man win.” He grins.
“If that’s the case, you’ll definitely get it,” I joke.
He chuckles. “All right. I’d better head down there.”
I watch him walk across the main office, stopping to talk to one of our colleagues, who’s obviously wishing him luck. My smile fades at his bright, hopeful expression. He really wants this position.
My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I take it out and check the screen. I’ve actually had four texts over the past fifteen minutes. Three are wishing me luck—one from Zoe, one from Fraser, and one from Elora.
Elora’s is a little longer, and my heart skips a beat as I read it. I’ve been thinking about Europe , she says. I think I want to go. Just for a few years. It’ll be incredibly scary, but I’m excited to have an adventure like this.
So, she’s going to bite the bullet and go for it. I feel a sweep of sadness and pleasure at the thought that she feels able to take the plunge at last. Linc has done that for her, and I’m so thrilled for them both.
I’ve also had a text from a shop called Ashton’s. My lips curve up as I read it. I check the time—I have ninety minutes until my interview. That’s plenty of time to walk into town.
It’s a bright, beautiful morning in the capital, and I stride out as I walk to the shop.
When I’m done there, I buy myself a latte and sip it as I walk slowly back along the waterfront. The brisk breeze tugs at my suit, reminding me of the storm, and making me smile as I think of Zoe. It was nice of her to text me this morning, and Fraser and Elora. It hasn’t escaped my notice that I haven’t heard anything from my father.
For some reason, Zoe’s words in the forest spring into my mind: Don’t forget to put yourself first. That’s the most important thing . It strikes me that maybe she wasn’t talking about Manu, but about my father. Maybe she was saying I shouldn’t go for the job just because he says it’s a good idea. That I need to put my own needs first.
As I reach a seat overlooking the harbor, I sit and sip my coffee thoughtfully.
I sit there for another ten minutes, staring into the distance, before I eventually begin the slow walk back to the office.
*
Zoe
Joel told me his interview was going to start at ten thirty, and that it wouldn’t finish until twelve, and I find it impossible to concentrate all morning.
Hallie is very patient with me and puts up with me pacing up and down in the conservation room. By the time Fraser calls in at eleven thirty with a tray of takeaway coffees, though, I’m feeling jittery, my stomach a bundle of nerves.
“I think coffee’s the last thing she needs,” Hallie says wryly as he hands them out.
“Aw, Joel will be all right.” Fraser perches on a stool as he sips from his cardboard cup. “He was feeling quite confident last night.”
“It’ll be funny to have him in Wellington all the time,” Hallie says. “Will the two of you want to get your own place?”
“I don’t know,” I reply, a little shyly. “We haven’t really talked about that yet. I guess if Elora does go with Linc, it’ll leave me alone in the flat, and I won’t be able to afford the rent on my own.
“Are you pushing for a raise?” Fraser asks.
I laugh. “No, I…” My voice trails off, though, as I look up and see Joel standing in the doorway.
He’s wearing a dark-gray suit, he’s clean shaven, and I think he might have combed his hair earlier today, although it’s all windblown now. I glance at the clock—it’s only 11:40. He slides his hands into his trouser pocket and smiles.
“Is your interview over?” I ask, getting to my feet, heart racing. “Is everything okay?”
“Everything’s fine,” he says. He gestures with his hand toward the door. “Can I talk to you for a minute? There’s a bench over by the Missionary Exhibit.”
“Between the Cowgirl and Doggy Style Exhibits,” Fraser says.
It’s such an un-Fraser-like thing to say that I burst into nervous giggles. Joel grins, and Hallie… well, Hallie turns the color of a tomato. She glares at him, but he just gives a mischievous smile. Ohhh… Joel was right, something’s definitely going on there.
“Come on,” Joel says, amused, and he takes my hand and leads me out of the room. My heart’s racing. What’s happened? Why did he finish early? Has he found out whether he’s gotten the job?
We walk across the museum foyer to one of the seats that’s against the wall next to the entrance about early settlers.
“Is everything okay?” I ask again as we sit.
“Everything’s fine.” He leans forward, his elbows on his knees. “I love it here,” he says. “Fraser’s turned this place completely around.”
“Yeah, it’s amazing.” I rest a hand on his back. “What’s happened, Joel? Did the interview not go well?”
He doesn’t reply for a moment. Then, eventually, he leans back and turns to look at me. “I withdrew my application.”
My eyes widen, and my jaw drops. “Oh… why?”
“For several reasons. For a start, Manu really, really wants the job. Now his wife is pregnant, he doesn’t want to travel so much, and it means he’ll be based here in Wellington, so he’ll be around more for her.”
I nod. “That makes sense. But even so…”
“I thought about what you said,” he continues. “About not forgetting to put myself first. You were talking about my dad, right?”
“Yes,” I say cautiously. “I know he’s been pressuring you to settle down, and I just wanted to make sure it was what you wanted, too.”
“It got me thinking… and I realized it wasn’t what I wanted at all.”
I rub his back, surprised. “What do you want?”
He studies the statue in front of us of Kate Sheppard, the suffragist and social reformer. Then he slides a hand into his jacket pocket, takes out an item, and hands it to me.
It’s a fancy wooden box, maybe four inches square. I frown at him, and he nods at it, so I undo the catch and lift the lid.
I recognize it immediately. It’s the Mair Necklace, or, I’m guessing, a wonderful replica of it. The large Australian crystal opal is the color of the sea where we swam before the storm—a beautiful blend of turquoise, lilac, and green. It’s encased in a gold band and suspended from a gold chain by two slender arms. At the top, where the two arms meet, are three tiny gold ‘gum nuts’, which are the woody fruit of the eucalyptus tree, which plays such a dominant role in the Australian landscape. They’re set with diamonds, which weren’t in the original. Someone’s taken a bit of artistic liberty there.
“Joel…” I whisper. “It’s beautiful.”
“I had a feeling we wouldn’t find the real one,” he says. “So I had it made for you. I knew that, even if we did find the original, it wouldn’t look anything like this after being in the sea for so long, and I thought it would be a nice gesture. But this morning, when I picked it up, it struck me how symbolic it is.”
I study the gleaming opal. “Symbolic of what?” I ask softly.
He reaches out a hand and runs a finger over the delicate chain. “We’ve both spent a good part of our lives yearning for things. You for your baby. Me for my father’s acceptance and approval. But both of those are like the original necklace. Lost and unreachable.” He touches the opal. “We can’t always control what happens in our lives. But this necklace proves you don’t have to live in the shadow of the past—you can create a fresh start. And maybe we can create a future together that’s just as precious.”
My eyes fill with tears. “Oh, Joel…”
“I’m not going to ask you to marry me,” he says. “Not yet, because I think you’ll say it’s too soon, and we haven’t really dated properly yet. But I want you to know that I plan to, in the not-too-distant future.”
My cheeks flush, and I press my fingers to my lips.
“But until then,” he says, undaunted, “I want to talk to you about something. I heard from Elora earlier—she said she’s decided that she wants to go to Europe with Linc.”
My mouth forms an O. “That’s amazing, I’m so pleased for her.”
“Yeah.” Suddenly, he looks hesitant, almost boyish. “Look, you mentioned that you’d love to travel to Europe too. And I was thinking… how about the two of us go as well? Maybe we could do something similar to what they’re doing. Travel for a bit. We could do some freelance archaeology, help out on digs across Europe with the other two. I’d love to see the Mary Rose and do some diving in the Med. I’m sure you’d like to see the British Museum. It might make Elora feel better to know that we’re around for her, and it’ll be fun, the four of us having a big adventure together.”
Pure delight fills me. “You’re kidding? Seriously?”
His lips curve up. “You like the idea?”
“It sounds absolutely amazing! Oh my God, Joel… what an experience it would be…”
“That’s what I thought.” He laughs as I fling my arms around his neck. “The only issue is it’ll take you away from Rory,” he says softly as he gives me a squeeze. “But if he’s going to Darwin anyway, we can make sure we call in there and visit on our way back to New Zealand a couple of times a year.”
I nod, moving back, trying not to cry. “What do you think Fraser will say?”
“I’ll talk to him about it. I think he’ll be fine. He’ll be gutted to lose the two of you, obviously, but I’m sure he’d be thrilled if we said that while we’re away, we’ll promote the museum and hopefully encourage the exchange of exhibits. He’s always looking for interesting artifacts to display.”
I examine the necklace. I can’t believe Joel had this made for me. “Can I ask you something?”
He nods. “Of course.”
“I’d like to put this in the museum for Valentine’s Day week. I promised Fraser I’d find an item for his Love Under the Southern Stars exhibit, and I’d like to write a display explaining about the Relentless and Captain Mair and his wife, and it would be great to show people what the original might have looked like.”
“It’s yours,” he says. “You can do whatever you want with it. You can keep it in the museum, if you like.”
“No.” I touch it reverently. “I want to wear it. It’s incredibly beautiful, Joel. It must have cost you a fortune.”
“You’re worth every cent,” he says softly.
I swallow hard, turn to face him, and lift my arms around his neck again, and he holds me tightly. I’m still holding the necklace in my hand, and over his shoulder I watch the opal shining in the light. I think about what he said, that I’ve been yearning for something lost and unreachable. Sadness tightens my throat so much that I can’t breathe for a moment. Joel might be right, and I might be able to tell Rory I’m his mother when he turns eighteen, but it’s certainly not going to happen anytime soon, not unless I want to tear my family apart and destroy my own mum, and I don’t want that, not really. It’s time I stopped clutching onto the fantasy as if I’m clinging to a beautiful bird that’s straining to escape, and I let it fly free.
My throat relaxes, and I let out a long breath. I feel as if I’ve spent the last ten years barricaded in by a huge brick wall, and suddenly it’s all come tumbling down. Or, maybe more correctly, that Joel’s taken a sledgehammer to it and reduced it to dust.
I haven’t failed Rory. He’s a happy, healthy boy who loves me very much, and he’ll be fine in Darwin once he’s settled. Joel’s right—we can visit him a couple of times a year, and maybe bring him back to New Zealand with us occasionally so he can see his father and older siblings.
It might not be quite what I’ve dreamed of all these years, but now it’s time to make new dreams with Joel. Traveling with him, working with him, and having a real relationship together—that’s the reality that awaits me. And maybe, just maybe, we might think about adopting our own child in the future. A baby of my own I can love.
I bury my face in his neck, inhaling his wonderful ocean scent. I love this man with all my heart. He’s waited for me, and he’s given me the chance to have a fresh start. How could I ask for more than that?
We sit there like that for a long time, while visitors come and go, murmuring quietly, and motes of dust dance like suspended dreams in the shafts of sunlight falling across the foyer.