5. Chapter 5 - Layrin
Chapter 5
W hat am I doing?
It was the tenth time I’d asked myself that as my beat-up silver Honda Accord putt-putted its way across four state lines, traveling ten hours, to some remote upstate New York university. I must be crazy.
A flash of blonde locks splayed against a dirty, dark floor, blue eyes lifeless and empty, consumed my mind. My chest tightened until it got increasingly harder to breathe. I gripped the wheel for dear life as the words, Run, Lay, sounded all around me, engulfing me in guilt and pain. I yanked the wheel to the side, my tires screeching when they hit dirt and weeds, then slammed my foot on the brakes.
My whole body jerked with the force of the car. My pulse pounded in my ears, and I became light headed as I swallowed down fast, shallow breaths. Clawing my fingers against my door handle, I searched for the driver’s side window button. I needed some air, now.
Why didn't you stay with her? Pop, pop, pop. Why didn't you help her? Pop, pop, pop .
With my thoughts running wild, my fingers desperately grabbed the handle of the door, frantic to get out of here and leave those thoughts in the car. Kicking the door open, I flung my body forward, just to be slammed back into my seat by my seatbelt. “Fuck!”
I slammed my palm on the release button. Pain ricocheted through my hand, but all I knew was that I needed to get out of this car. The belt released, and the next thing I knew, my knees hit the dirt and rocks.
It's your fault. She’s not here because of you. She left you. Just like everyone does.
“No. That's not what happened.” My low, shaky voice wasn't convincing anyone.
You're the common thread. The problem. They were all right about you. You're the cursed child, someone that no one wants.
My choppy breath made it even harder to calm down. I needed something to ground me, to keep me from flying away with all the toxic thoughts surrounding me, choking me. I bent forward, curling up my body until I could rest my forehead against the ground. My eyes closed, I tried to breath out my nose, reminding myself to focus on the sounds around me.
Cars rushing along the road, a bird cawing above me, a light breeze caressing my neck, the feeling of my head against the damp grass and weeds. I dug my fingers into the ground, squishing the grains of dirt between my fingers, smelling the minerals and dew of the earth. Finally, my breathing began to slow, and I noticed my radio in the background, playing a popular song. I began mouthing the words, absorbing the music like water in the desert.
Holding on to the tune tightly, I began to sing it in a shaky voice, clawing back more and more control of my body. My muscles relaxed as the minutes ticked by. I pushed up to sit, then moved to lean against the car, letting the hard metal keep me upright while the panic and anxiety drained out of my body.
With a shaky hand, I clutched at my necklace. Closing my eyes, I traced the outer triangle, feeling the points at the tips of my fingers. The slight pain helped me focus. I let my fingers run over the stem and thorns of the inverted rose in the center, feeling the intricacy of each minute detail from stem to petal.
Mel was right. I needed to take this scholarship and create a new life. I needed to let the past go. There was nothing left in Roanoke for me, nothing but pain and regret. Mel practically pushed me out the door, telling me I needed a fresh start.
After the incident at the club, I found myself in my house, still in Vivian’s dress, but with little memory after I discovered her body. I knew that someone had dragged me out, but other than that, everything else was a blur. I guessed that I was lucid enough to tell them where I lived or maybe I’d found my way home on my own, but it didn't really matter. All I could focus on was that Vivian was dead.
The cops got a tip as to what gang members it was, and I heard Finn skipped town in order to dodge the rest. All of his lackeys disappeared with him. Normally, this would be the answer to my prayers, but I just couldn't get it together. After I dropped a few plates of food, stuck in a daze, Mel told me to take a few days off.
I didn't know what to do with myself, so I went to the library, trying to find something to keep my mind busy. I was on two days without any sleep because every time I closed my eyes, Vivian’s frozen, vacant ones stared back at me, blaming me. I would jolt awake, having broken out into a sweat.
That was when I saw the email from Messores University in a remote town called Ruby Corner, New York. The email thanked me for my essay, which I didn’t remember submitting, but I had done a lot of scholarship applications. It said I’d been chosen to receive their Shining Star scholarship, which was a four-year, all-expenses-paid opportunity. Supposedly, a letter would arrive soon with the exact details of where I needed to be and when.
I checked my mail that day, and there the letter was, stamped and sealed with a credit card in my name, stating that it was to help me with relocation fees and travel. Once I checked in at the school on Sunday for freshman orientation, the balance would be reloaded to cover books and supplies.
Since there was a credit card involved, I sat down and read all the fine print, which was pretty straightforward. All I needed to do was show up to orientation in a week, get assigned a room, and attend eighty percent of my classes for the year. It even had a clause that said I must start off in the dorms, but if I had any issues or found it difficult to live there, I was to submit a request via email and they would find me an off-campus option.
This didn't seem normal. Most of the applications I had applied to would pay a partial or full tuition, but not housing, or they would pay for my books and supplies depending on my major. It was why I kept applying to so many, hoping that I could stack up the funds, but I couldn’t remember one as complete as this.
Mel told me I was looking a gift horse in the mouth, whatever that meant, then he crossed his arms and fired me. After the initial shock, he tucked a few hundreds into my pocket, hugged me, and told me I would be doing a disservice to myself if I stayed in Virginia, unable to leave the past behind.
I didn't have a job, I was traumatized by my best friend's death, and I had nothing to keep me here—no one but Mel, who’d just shoved me out the door. It seemed like this was the only real option to move forward in my life. I needed to know if I really was the cursed child or just a product of my surroundings.
So I packed my shit, which surprisingly fit in two boxes that I could easily stuff in the trunk, got my deposit back, and printed out a Google map from the library. Then I was off, not looking back at the only place I had ever known as home.
Now, I was on the side of the highway, having a panic attack. God, I’m pathetic.
I’d had bad shit happen to me and around me for all my life. I should be used to life doing me dirty like this, not breaking down whenever I thought of Vivian, about how she’d left me alone. I was going to work on that. Going to work on only being present in the new space I was in.
Closing my eyes, I took a few steady breaths and did a mental assessment. Everything had calmed down, going back to normal. Glancing at the clock in my car, I realized that I needed to get back on the road. I was only about an hour away, and I really wanted to check in, find my room, and settle in for the night. Maybe what I really needed was a good, long rest… if I can .
Shaking my head, I pushed up off the ground and dusted myself off. I was going to keep moving forward like I always did. My new life was an hour away, and I wasn’t about to fuck it up. Climbing into my car, I made my way down the last leg of the trip, becoming more nervous the closer I got.
My mouth dropped. When I looked up the college, it had seemed a bit on the secretive side, without a lot of pictures or reviews, and when I tried to find a satellite image of the school, it was blurred out. Needless to say, I didn't really know what I was walking into.
When I rolled my junker down a hidden side road that led to a gated plot of land, I immediately wanted to turn back. I must have the wrong place. This looked like some kind of hidden compound for some uber-rich mogul with its guarded black iron gate with millions of Italian cypresses lining along the gate, so closely positioned that it was impossible to see between them. Was I going to school for a secret government program? Me? Doubtful. Maybe this was where all the famous people sent their kids? But then why would I get in?
The guard at the gate waved me forward, but my hand was on the gear shift, ready to put this bitch in reverse and go to the nearest big city to find someone who needed a waitress.
“Miss Smith, please come forward.” My eyes flew open at the sound of my last name. It was very unoriginal, but Miss Vaughn was a lazy bitch. My first name was the only one on the baby blanket I was wrapped in, the one Miss Vaughn sold as soon as she could.
His voice came out more insistent the second time. “Miss Layrin Smith? Please come forward.” His eyes softened, looking at the state I was in, then his tone became calmer, more soothing. “I can give you your permanent parking pass and map of the campus.”
My foot pressed on the gas, and before I realized it, I was in front of the salt-and-pepper-haired, bulky guard whose name tag said “Bert.” He looked to be around his forties and in great shape, but his eyes spoke of tough times. I knew that look well.
He handed me a plastic permit sign to hang on my mirror and a laminated map of the school, then turned and pointed to the left. “If you head to the left and keep going past the lake, you’ll see the main hall.” He cracked a small smile at my still shocked face. “That's where all the cafés, registration, dean's office, and spirit store are. Once you head in for orientation, they’ll hand you your room assignments, but since you’re coming in as a freshman, your dorms are going to be in the tall building in the back.” He pointed to a spot on the map before grabbing the pen out of his chest pocket and circling it. “That should help.”
“Um… How do you know my name?”
He winked at me. “I know all the incoming freshmen. Everyone else uses the keycard gate behind the dorms.”
Oh, that makes sense. Kinda. I thanked him before I slowly rolled my car through the large spiky iron gate.
The first thing that captured my attention was that everything was so green and fresh looking, with large oak trees scattered around, moss-covered stones, and a large fountain in front of a building that seemed like it was city center.
There was a small sign that said “Mail Hall” with an arrow pointed at the neoclassical building in the center. I parked in the small lot outside, took a few breaths, and told myself to get out and face the music.
I grabbed my purse with my scholarship letter, wanting to make sure I had proof I should be here. The closer I got, the more my fingers tingled and my stomach tied up in knots. The building looked to be made out of granite. Its six large colosseum pillars looked like intimidating centurions, guarding the precious door from any riffraff.
A dark-haired man wearing a tweed jacket and slacks came out the door just as I tried to open it. I jumped back to avoid getting hit, and the guy’s eyes went wide. “Oh shit! I'm sorry.” His eyes met mine, and they widened for a second before his cheeks turned rosy. “I didn’t see you. Excuse me.” He scampered off, and I didn't have time to get into any drama by chasing after him.
There was another small sign inside the building, explaining which room housed each service. I thought it was a little weird that everything for the newcomers was small and easy to miss. Was this a test? Were they trying to weed some of us out, only wanting those that could figure it out on their own?
I followed the sign and found it led to a hallway to the right. At the end, there was a set of double doors with one propped open. Betting that was it, I made my way down and peeked inside.
It looked like registration/orientation was being held in a large conference room, but at the front of the room, there were a few podiums with screens attached to them. Only a couple handfuls of people were in there, most of them sitting apart from one another, clicking around on their phones.
“Excuse me, is this freshman orientation?”
Turning around, I was captured by a set of steel blue eyes that seemed like they could see right through me. I nodded and moved out of her way, pointing toward the chairs. She couldn't be more than five foot two, but she held herself like she was seven feet tall, graceful, poised, and confident. I was so stunned, feeling like a troll next to her, that I quickly turned away in embarrassment.
She had taken a few steps, going out of my peripherals, when her voice came out. “Are you coming? Do you need me to save you a seat? I think it's about to start.”
Vivian’s smiling face flashed before my eyes, and I shuddered. “No. I have a seat.” I scampered my way down the aisle, sitting in the first chair I scoped out before inhaling. I didn't want life to repeat itself.
I snuck a side glance, watching the girl walk down the aisle and sit in the front row just as a screen rolled down and a projector turned on. A middle-aged woman with shrewd eyes and short red hair came on the screen. “Hello. I’m Clara Barns, the Dean of Students here at Messores University. I’m not going to bore you all with a tale of how this college was started and all the successful people that have graduated from here. All of you should know that already. What I am here to tell you is that freshman year is going to be tough. It's meant to be.”
She folded her arms and glared at all of us like she was actually here. “This year is meant to weed out the weak. The useless. The incompetent. We have no use for those that exhibit any of those three qualities, but if you make it, if you prove yourself, you will know no bounds. Nothing will be able to touch you in the future, and you will have everything you desire once you graduate. This place is both heaven and hell, and it's up to you to be the demon disguised as an angel or the angel who’s occasionally pushed to be a demon. Anything less is failure.”
Well, that was a pep talk if I ever heard one. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes and looked around the room instead. Everyone was focused forward, taking everything she was saying as gold. Her speech was a thinly veiled threat meant to inspire these people to work harder and be more than what they were right now. While that might work on the masses, that kind of shit didn't work on me.
I’d seen real demons dressed as angels, giving out honeyed words and big promises, and I‘d watched angels with large hearts do horrible, unspeakable things. Her ideas of demons and angels were far from mine. I just needed to watch those around me carefully, making sure I slid on by without a target on my back, and I would be just fine.
She kept to her word, keeping it short. “Below, you will see podiums with screens. Find your name, press the button, and your room assignment will print out below. You are dismissed.” She blinked out, and the whole room was quiet until that girl got out of her seat and followed the directions. The tearing of the paper echoed in the room, and she left without saying a word.
Like she had opened the floodgates, everyone lined up and did the same. I stayed seated, waiting until the line was only a few people deep, then got up. When I got my assignment, all it said was Room: 99, Parking Spot: 47. I sighed, already feeling like this was an omen.
Unable to keep my yawn in, I decided that I would check out the main hall later. Instead, I got in my car to drive over to my new home.
I immediately felt inferior once I drove my car into the lot. Every car parked here was over a hundred thousand dollars. When I slid into the empty forty-seven slot, I was sandwiched between a black Maserati and a white BMW, further proof that I was out of my league. Slamming my head against the steering wheel, I exhaled. How the fuck am I supposed to chum it up with these mucky mucks? I bet they had private tutors and high scores.
What the dean had said rang loud and clear in my head, reminding me that I could be phased out of here, so I needed to prepare myself for that possibility. It wouldn't be the end of the world. I knew how to land on my feet. Maybe I could take a spin off campus and see what the job market looked like?
With a back-up plan in place, I got out of my car and picked up the box with all my clothes. If I wasn't going to stay here long, then I didn't need to bring the second box up with me.
I found my way into the building, and it was eerie how quiet it was. No one was out and about, and no one had a door open. Everything seemed very closed off. Wasting no time, I went into the elevator and pressed the button for the ninth floor.
The doors soon dinged, opening to a hallway with placards reading ninety and ninety two, which meant I was going to be at the other end of the hallway. I pushed myself forward, hoping to god that I might, just might, be able to have a dorm to myself.
Once I was at my door, I grabbed the handle to open it, but it was locked. Oh fuck, what was I going to do? I looked around at all the closed doors. They screamed at me to figure it out on my own instead of bothering them. “Shit.” I was going to need to head back to the main hall, and that was going to suck.
I set my box down and had turned to go back the way I’d come when the door opened. “Oh, you must be my roommate. I’m Cinzia Ricci. Nice to meet you.” The girl currently leaning against the door frame was the gorgeous girl I’d pretty much shut down at orientation.
Fuck.