OBSIDIAN

~Chapter 22~

The next few days passed quickly

Like the others, beach, beach and more beach, I've only been to the club once.

Even though this whole situation seems like a "vacation", to me it's not.

It's like I'm somewhere else all the time.

I hear them talking, laughing, joking, but their words come to me blurred, as if I were underwater, with my head submerged.

Most days my mind was somewhere else.

I could barely answer. Sometimes my answers wouldn't even come out. Or they would come out short, dry, like sharp edges.

Sergio noticed first.

Of course he did.

He doesn't talk much, but he sees very well.

We were lying on the deckchairs, and the sun was blazing, and I was staring into space, at nothing, and my heart was simply tired.

He touched my arm with his fingertips. Not to scare me, just…

to check if I was still here.

"Cass… are you okay?

"

His tone wasn't worried.

It was cautious.

A question with a thousand meanings behind it.

I didn't answer.

His hand stayed there for a moment.

As if if he took it, I would collapse into the sand.

Emy was in the water.

He was laughing with the others.

So beautiful, so easy, so… unfair.

Sergio took a deep breath and stood up slowly, silently, without making a fuss.

And I felt grateful for that.

For the silence.

For not trying to force me to fix it.

--

Evening.

I was in my room.

The same room where I had felt myself breaking in two the previous nights.

I sat on the edge of the bed, my elbows on my knees and my fingers in my hair.

The heat of the air was stifling.

Or maybe it was just me.

He knock on the door. Two very light knocks.

"Can I?" Theo's voice, soft, not invasive.

I don't answer, but I open the door.

He enters slowly, keeping his distance, and sits on the floor next to the bed, without asking me anything.

That's the thing about good people.

I don't pressure.

I just sit.

And when someone just sits with you in silence, you start to feel how tired you are of being at war with yourself.

I let out a sigh. Long.

One of those you let out without meaning to.

"I can't anymore," my voice breaks.

It's almost a whisper.

And finally, I say it.

Theo doesn't move towards me.

He doesn't pick me up.

He doesn't try to 'fix' me.

He just says,

"I know.

"

And that's exactly what tore my whole chest apart.

I didn't even cry.

I didn't have the energy.

Just.

We just sat there.

Together in silence.

And it's strange.

..

that sometimes silence is the most honest thing in the world.

---

I woke up when Emy was next to me. I didn't even realize when I fell asleep last night or when Theo left my bed.

"Cass, pack your bags. We're leaving for the airport in 2 hours" he says, caresses my hair a little and then leaves

I get out of bed with difficulty.

Still tired, even though I slept more than I should.

I went to the bathroom to relieve myself and then to pack my bags, because I had a lot to pack.

I finished packing and went to change.

I put on a gray tracksuit and put my headphones on.

I took my luggage and went downstairs.

Sergio was already there with Theo and Emy was in the kitchen.

Emy turns with a small smile and says

"Shall we go?

"

"Sure...", I say and head for the exit.

They were behind me too, but I stopped for a moment to let them pass in front of me and that's exactly what they did.

I took a car to the airport, and there Theo called his father.

I was in the back trying to get into the ground but to no avail, Sergio looks at me from time to time.

---

After an hour of driving and waiting at the airport, we finally boarded the plane.

We have the same seats as before, all 4 of us in the same row, except this time,

I sit down, fasten my seatbelt, put my headphones on, even though I don't turn anything on. It's just to create distance.

As if two pieces of plastic can keep the world at bay.

Emy sits down next to me.

She doesn't say anything at first.

She puts her luggage on top, ties her hair back, tucks a strand behind her ear.

Simple.

Beautiful.

Horrible.

Sergio is on the other side, across the aisle.

Theo is next to him.

I feel Sergio's gaze.

The one who doesn't ask you, just sees.

I look ahead.

Straight ahead.

It's safer there.

The plane starts rolling.

The engines roar.

I feel my pulse rise in my throat.

Like my heart is trying to climb up into my mouth to get out.

Emy raises her arm slowly and lets it touch my arm.

Just a small touch.

But I'm a thread stretched to the limit.

"Hey..." she says, quietly enough so no one else can hear.

I close my eyes.

Why does a voice that once healed me hurt so much?

"I know you haven't been okay these days.

"

He speaks carefully. Controlled.

Like every word could break me.

I bite the inside of my cheeks.

I taste metal.

"It's nothing," I answer.

That old lie, that doesn't even have any weight anymore.

He turns to me completely.

Emy's not stupid.

Not for a moment.

"Cass."

That's all.

And in that voice there is:

understanding

guilt

fear

and something that destroys me

because it's still there.

My breath catches.

As if the air suddenly runs out on the plane.

I look at her.

And I don't just see Emy.

I see the version of me, next to her, when I was someone else.

A Cassian who still knew how to live.

"I don't know what to do," I tell her.

And the words come out broken, raw, unguarded.

Her eyes fill.

Not a single tear falls.

She doesn't cry easily.

"You don't have to do anything now," she says.

She reaches out, very slowly, to place her hand on mine.

Hesitates.

She looks at me, seeking permission.

Sergio has looked away.

But she still feels.

Theo takes off his headphones.

He notices.

He understands.

I pull my hand away a little, not violently, just… reflexively.

And in that second I see her breaking inside.

And I hate myself.

So much.

Because I still love my bestfrend, her.

And yet I can’t get close.

The plane takes off.

And I feel how, as we rise into the air, I sink.

Slowly.

Silently.

Without witnesses.

And maybe, for the first time, I realize:

The whole situation doesn’t hurt me anymore.

What hurts is who I’ve become in the meantime.

---

The plane vibrates slightly.

The light in the cabin seems tiring, yellowish-white, hospital-like.

Emy is still looking at me.

Calm.

No guilt.

No pity.

No pressure.

And she says, in that quiet voice, just right:

"Cass…

I'm not the reason you feel this way. And you're not the reason I am who I am.

We're just… two people who grew up separately from the same point.

And that's okay."

I feel my eyes burn.

Not because what she's saying hurts me.

But because it's true.

"You didn't do anything wrong," she continues.

"You just… got a little lost in yourself.

And it happens. To more people than you think.

"

And as she speaks, she doesn't try to touch the parts of me where I'm broken.

She just sits next to me.

My hands are shaking.

Not violently.

Not visible to everyone.

Just enough to know that something is giving way.

I try to take a breath.

But the air is stuck halfway.

My chest tightens.

Suddenly, slowly, steadily.

Emy turns to me.

She doesn't look at me as someone fragile.

But as someone alive and still holding on.

"Do you want to breathe together for a bit?

" she asks.

I can't answer.

But I can hear her.

She places her hand on my forearm.

That’s it.

No higher.

It doesn’t grip me.

It doesn’t “hold” me.

It just reminds me that I’m in my body, here.

And then something breaks inside me.

Not hard.

Not spectacularly.

Just… gives way.

My head leans toward her shoulder.

I don’t even realize when it happened.

I don’t cry.

I don’t speak.

I don’t tremble.

I sit.

My forehead on her shoulder.

Taking short, jerky breaths, as if the air were water.

She doesn't say anything.

She doesn't move.

She doesn't change position.

She just is.

And it's the safest thing on this plane.

From the other side, I feel Sergio turn his head.

But he doesn't intervene.

He doesn't get up.

His expression doesn't change.

Theo slowly takes off his headphones.

His hands rest in his lap.

He remains completely silent.

No one asks anything.

And for the first time in many weeks, my body stops fighting.

It just sits.

It just exists.

It just… breathes.

Between two infinite voids.

Emy murmurs barely audibly:

"I'm here. Only here. That's it."

And that's enough.

---

The plane seat is uncomfortable. Or maybe it's me.

The sound of the engines fills everything, but to me it just seems like a silent background. A kind of sonic void.

Emy is sleeping.

Sergio is playing on his phone, but he watches me out of the corner of his eye. He bites the inside of his cheek. I know the gesture. Worry. Guilt. Helplessness.

I pretend not to see.

I close my eyes and then the blow comes.

Not as a thought.

Like a vivid memory.

My mother's voice.

Not raised. Never raised.

She doesn't scream.

She strikes with simple truth.

"I'm not afraid of what you've become, Cassian.

I'm afraid of what's eating you up inside.

"

I hear it so clearly I almost turn my head to look for it.

My stomach tightens.

Air comes in hard.

Short breaths. Familiar.

Too familiar.

I stand up. I don't say anything.

Sergio looks up.

"Cas—"

"No. I'll be back." I say

My tone is dead.

I go to the plane bathroom.

I lock it.

The space is small.

Cold light.

The mirror... foreign

And then the voice comes again.

Not imagined.

Memory.

Pure pain.

"You can't lose yourself, Cass.

You didn't come all this way to disappear now.

"

She said this in a kitchen, her hands dirty with flour, making bread.

I was 17.

I had just told her that I felt like I wasn't human anymore.

And that was all she said.

Calm.

Gentle.

But impossible to ignore.

And now... in this small bathroom... everything falls out of me.

I rest my palms on the edge of the sink.

I breathe hard.

I breathe badly.

My eyes burn.

"I miss you.

" It escapes me, slowly. Without knowing if she hears me or not.

In a whisper that shouldn't have existed.

And her voice in my head answers as it has done all my life:

"I know. "

I collapse slowly, with my back against the cold wall.

Knees to my chest.

Like when I was a child.

Like when I was breaking down and only she knew.

It's not Sergio

It's not Emy

It's not Theo

It's no one.

It's my mother.

She sees me.

She knew me before I knew who I was.

And I know now:

When I land, I'm going to her.

Not to save me.

But to remember who the hell I am before I lose myself completely.

---

My hands are still shaking.

That’s the first thing I notice when I step out of the airplane bathroom.

Not my face in the mirror. Not my red eyes.

My fingers.

I can’t control them.

Inhale. Exhale.

The air on the plane is thick, warm. It smells like metal and fatigue.

I pull my shirt over my shoulders and try to walk like a normal person.

Don’t let it show.

Nothing.

Never.

Emy sees me as I approach.

She moves her hand on the armrest just a little, to make room for me.

It’s her favorite gesture: “I’m not saying anything.

But I’m here.”

I sit down.

I buckle my seatbelt.

I close my eyes.

---

The pilot announces the landing.

Sergio looks at me for a second.

He doesn't ask me anything.

But I know what he knows:

I'm not afraid of the landing.

I'm afraid of what comes after.

The cars, the people, the airport, the looks, the voices.

And then her.

Mom.

The last time I saw her like I wanted to, she held my cheeks and said:

"You're not like that.

Where did you go?"

And I smiled.

And I lied.

And I ran before something broke.

Now I have nowhere to run.

The plane's wheels touch the ground.

A shock.

Then another.

My body jerks involuntarily.

Emy puts her hand on mine.

She doesn't squeeze.

Just touches.

I pull her gently.

Not far.

Just… a little.

She understands.

And she doesn't get angry.

My hatred for myself grows a little more.

The plane stops.

The world stands up.

Luggage. Noise. Chaos

I'm the last to get up.

I stroke the edge of the chair with my fingers before I leave.

As if I have to say goodbye to someone.

We get out.

The tunnel to the airport is cold.

It's good. It keeps me warm.

And then I see her.

She's standing by the railing.

Her hair is tied up.

A long, simple dress.

An elegant jacket over her, even though it's not jacket weather.

She's playing with her wedding ring between her fingers.

She's not crying.

She's not smiling.

But her eyes see me.

Not the way others see me.

The way I am.

And in that second, I know exactly which version she is today.

Not cold.

Not warm.

But the one who asks, 'Where does it hurt'" without saying anything.

My breath hitches.

My legs freeze for a moment.

Sergio touches me discreetly on the back.

"Let's go."

It's not a question.

It's reality.

I nod.

A small gesture.

Almost invisible.

And I step forward.

She doesn't move.

She's waiting for me to arrive.

She's always done this.

For me to come to her.

Not the other way around.

I stop in front of her.

Half a meter away.

She looks at me for a long time.

And she says very quietly:

"We're going to get in the car.

Only then can we talk."

Calm tone.

But I feel everything.

I feel that she knows.

Everything I've tried to hide.

My throat goes dry.

"Okay," I answer.

And my voice sounds like I haven't spoken in months.

We head out.

And for the first time in days…

I don’t feel alone anymore.

But there’s a kind of “not alone” that hurts even more.

Because with her…

I can’t hide.

Not from her.

Not from me.

---

I sit in the back seat and feel the car slowly moving down the road. The engines make a constant hum, but I can’t focus on anything but the way my hands tremble slightly on my knees.

My mother sits up front, next to Sergio, and says nothing.

But I feel like she’s watching me. I know she knows.

She always knows. Her eyes have that clarity that can pierce through walls, that makes you feel discovered without opening your mouth.

Normally I would try to hide, to pretend I’m okay, but not today. Today everything is too hard.

I try to take a deep breath, but it’s as if the air in the car is heavier than the air on the plane.

I tremble, and I feel that knot in my stomach grow again.

And then the thoughts come. Everything I've kept inside in the last few days mixes with everything that comes next: my mother, my father, my expectations, the fear that I'm no longer the child she knew, that I'm no longer "normal" in her eyes, that my hardships and panic will make her suffer.

Sergio feels it. I feel his leg move slightly to the side, almost imperceptibly, and I look at him. He’s there. He doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t put pressure. He just exists. And that keeps me grounded.

I try to tell myself that it’s just a walk home, that everything is under control. But my body has other plans. The shaking won’t stop, my heart is still beating erratically, and all I can tell myself is that maybe… maybe I won’t be able to cope when we get there.

“Cassian…” my mother’s voice comes from the front, calm but firm.

It’s not reproach, it’s not gentle. Just clarity.

“I know it wasn’t easy for you to come.

I know you had… difficult times. But you don’t have to hide.

”

I feel something break inside me.

Not a classic cry, but a deep tremor that seems to come from every bone in my body.

I tremble and try to control my breathing, but it’s like each breath is harder than the last.

“Cass… I’m here,” Sergio says, almost like a whisper in my ear.

I feel his presence, his subtle reassurance.

He doesn’t talk much, he doesn’t try to fix me.

He just exists. And that’s enough for me to keep from completely collapsing.

My mother looks back at me and smiles slightly, but her smile is heavy, loaded with everything she feels for me.

“It’s okay to tremble. It’s okay to feel.

You don’t have to be anyone but you, Cassian. ”

And then I feel the tears start to come. I can’t stop them. I don’t want to stop them. And for the first time in a long time, I feel like I don’t have to wear this armor alone.

The car keeps moving forward, the roads passing by the window, but I can’t see anything. All I see is my mother, Sergio, and the way their presence keeps me alive even as the abyss inside me tries to swallow me up.

I try to lean back slightly and breathe normally.

The shaking doesn’t go away, but it seems to have a rhythm.

I’m starting to feel like I can stand, that I can be Cassian in front of them.

Not perfectly, not calmly, Only me.

And I know that once we get home, I'll have to face everyone else, all the memories, all the fears.

---

After my mother entered the garage I went straight to the stairs. To my room.

I put my bags down and took off the T-shirt we had.

I threw myself on the bed and stayed there for a while, or until there was no more sunlight outside and the light from the lights in the house from people.

I heard a knock on the door.

I didn't say anything.

Sergio came in with a plate in his hand.

He looked at me and faced me.

"You haven't even changed yet?

Do you want to rot in those clothes?" He says and puts the plate on the nightstand.I see him enter my dressing room, and after 2 minutes he comes out with some clothes.

I look at him questioningly.

"Wear this after you eat" he says and sits on my bed.

I look at him angrily and say:

"I'm not hungry"

"If you don't eat I won't get out of bed" he says and looks at the plate on the nightstand.

I grimace at him as I get up and undress, I put on the clothes he brought and then I throw myself back on the bed.

I see him looking at me.

He wants to say something but I interrupt him

"I'm not hungry, Sergio" I say but then I add "I want to be alone" I say this slowly and turn my face away so he can't see me.

"Cass... eat, a little" he says and turns my head to face him.

I sigh and say

"A little"

"A little" he repeats and puts the plate in front of me.

Some mashed potatoes, a small salad and other edible things.

I take a little of everything and feel that I'm already full, I point the plate at him and he takes it.

He looks at me worriedly.

He wants to say things but doesn't.

And that hurts a little, but I don't know why

"Lie down a little" he says and I don't deviate from what he's saying.

After I sit down comfortably I feel him approaching me and then he asks my permission to hug me and I give it.

"If something's bothering you, call me, Cass.

" He says with his head on my shoulder "I don't want to lose you too.

..I'm going to lose everything, throw it away" he says slowly and I feel some drops on my skin, that meant I seriously hurt his soul.

"Thank you" I say slowly and he hugs me tighter

---

I sit here, in Sergio's arms, and it seems strange to me how still my body is compared to what's inside my head. I can feel his breathing behind my ear, rhythmic, constant. It's like he's holding me in place in a world I'm constantly slipping into.

I don't say anything for a while. Neither does he. There's just that silence where only your thoughts are heard, the ones you'd normally try to ignore.

I feel a weight pressing down on my chest, the kind that doesn’t let you breathe normally.

And it annoys me that he feels it, that he knows it, that he sees me.

It annoys me that I can’t hide. Or maybe it annoys me that I don’t have the strength to do it anymore.

“Sergio…” I start, but my voice is weak, like it’s not my own.

“Mhm?” he murmurs, not letting go of my arms.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

And… I’m afraid you’ll get tired of this.

That you’ll get tired of bringing me back every day.

” I feel my throat tighten a little. “I don’t want to be a burden to anyone.

”

He doesn’t answer right away. He doesn’t let go of me either.

He moves his arm tighter around me, as if to anchor me even more tightly.

“You’re not my burden,” he finally says.

Calmly, but sharply with sincerity. “You’re the part of me that’s worth staying for.

”

I swallow. Once. Twice. Chest pain.

Yes, that hits me.

He feels my trembling.

He doesn’t comment on it. He rests his forehead against the back of my neck.

“I was scared there, Cass.” his tone is low, sincere.

“When I found you. When you couldn’t breathe and you wouldn’t let me touch you… I’ve never seen you so… lost.”

I close my eyes. An image explodes in my mind: me on the floor, my breath ragged, the light moving as if melting.

And Emy. And her voice. And the fear. The one that had no name.

“I know,” I say. “It wasn’t something I controlled.

”

“You don’t have to,” he says immediately.

“You don’t have to be in control all the time.

You’re not a robot or an animal, Cass. You’re human.

”

I smile inwardly, bitterly.

“I don’t feel like I’m human.

”

“Neither am I, am I?” he replies simply.

Maybe I should laugh here. Or breathe. But all I do is slowly turn to him.

I want to see his face.

His eyes are red.

Not with anger. But with crying.

And that breaks me.

“I don’t want to lose you,” he says again, but more clearly now.

“I don’t want you to look at me like you don’t recognize anything from before.

”

He puts his hand on my jaw and holds me there, so I don’t turn around, so I don’t run inside my head again.

“I’m not going anywhere,” I say, for the first time in years of avoiding this, with an ounce of certainty.

It may be small. But it’s real

He closes his eyes and exhales deeply, as if I’ve just lifted a stone from his heart.

We sit like this.

Minutes.

Maybe hours.

It doesn’t matter.

And finally, when the dim light from the hallway filters through the door and the house is silent as if the world has stopped, Sergio says,

“We’ll be okay, Cass.

Not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But we’ll be okay. ”

And… I believe him.