Chapter Three
Ocean
Being outside with the fire trucks, all the maintenance people, as well as tenants and owners dressed in various amounts of clothing and a wide range of temperaments, had been stressful enough.
But, reaching in to feel for Tennie and not finding him there…
that nearly had me running back inside to look for him.
He’d been in my pocket at least partway down, But from there? I didn’t know I had him.
My anxiety was getting to me. My heart was racing as I looked around, hoping someone…
anyone, had found him. With each scan of the crowd, I found no one, and then finally, he caught my eye…
this sexy man I’d never seen before. I didn’t recognize him from the elevators, the lobby, or the parking garage.
If I had seen him, I’d remember. But it wasn’t how attractive he was or how commanding his presence in that mass of chaos that caught my eye…
it was what was sitting in his hand. Tennie. My Tennie.
There were a thousand ways I could’ve handled the situation better.
I could’ve said, “Hi, I’m Ocean. I must’ve dropped that.
May I have it?” and he would’ve handed it to me.
I could’ve made up a story and said, “Oh, that’s my nephew’s,” and he would’ve handed it to me.
So many different paths could’ve put what was mine back in my hand, giving me the comfort I needed.
And what did I do? I panicked, hoping that he wouldn’t see one of the children, think they needed comforting, and give it to them.
So I marched right over. I held out my hand for it, and then I called him Daddy.
I was mortified.
Being little wasn’t something I was embarrassed about. It was who I was, but it also had its place, and that place wasn’t at my apartment building during an emergency. That place wasn’t in the boardroom, either. Or the grocery store. That place was in private.
At the end of the day, relationships weren’t about what other people saw. They were about what they experienced together. If I had met him at a club or on an app or in a dozen other situations, coming out as little like that might not have been a big deal. But now? Now it was.
All I wanted to do was avoid seeing him again.
Or, better yet, to see him again and have him not recognize me.
But, since the latter was impossible, I went with the first. I rationalized to myself that since I hadn’t seen him before, and I’d have remembered, the odds of running into him again were slim.
We didn’t take the elevator together or leave for and arrive from work together.
We didn’t even grab our mail at the same time. I was safe.
Except, we just had the first of the month, so there were some new tenants, putting a hole in my theory.
Most people in this place were owners, and they came and stayed forever, but there were enough owners who rented out their apartments because they were using them as investment properties or holding onto them while they were elsewhere, usually for work.
Many of the residents had pretty high-power jobs, and that meant sometimes they went overseas for a while.
I’d heard that some were even rent-stabilized in order to keep the building from becoming too restrictive. I wasn’t sure how true that was, but those places tended to keep occupants forever. Why leave low rent in a great location if you didn’t have to?
When I bought the place, I wasn’t looking at it as a way to make money at the other end. I saw the location and the space it offered me and called it good. I’d wanted someplace where I could have a little room, and this was it.
“Ocean?”
I looked up from my desk. “Barnes, what’s up?”
“That’s what I wanted to ask you. I’ve been trying to catch your attention for a couple of minutes now.”
And now my focus on this man I didn’t know was taking over my work. Great. That was the last thing I needed, the last thing any of us needed.
“Sorry. We had another fire alarm mishap last night after I had a late Zoom meeting, so I’m just tired. It was nothing big…but it’s not like you can stay in your place and hope it’s fake. That will be the one time it’s real. Also, the fire department would knock on my door.”
“They need to fix that.”
I nodded.
“I wasn’t here for anything serious. I had a gap in my day and didn’t know if you wanted to catch lunch.”
“I 100 percent do.” It would distract me and get me out of this office.
Barnes and I started at the company together. We were pretty good friends, and shortly after we met, I discovered that he, too, was little. We hadn’t played together in a long time, but we talked about it.
He currently had a daddy who was pretty controlling of his little side, and that wasn’t something I enjoyed, so, for now, we were just big friends.
The mommy he had before this liked to have me play with them.
That had been nice, but they broke up when she moved, and now he had a daddy who was only a daddy.
They weren’t romantically connected at all.
I had a feeling he was looking for more than just a mommy or daddy to play with. He wanted a relationship that was both inside and outside of that time. He’d find it, though. Though it was unlikely, he was willing to try new ways to meet people and didn’t give up and decide to hide by himself.
“What are you thinking? Deli? Barbecue?” he asked.
“Honestly? Chicken fingers.”
“Same.” It was great having little friends who didn’t judge meal choices.
We went across town to grab the best chicken fingers in the county.
We knew it was true because it said so on the sign.
It was nice to get that far away from the office.
We didn’t have to worry about running into anybody else, and we could talk about little things without fear of coworkers overhearing.
Plus, this place came with a flight of sauces. It was funny…they did everything they could to make their chicken tenders feel grown-up. Who needed a flight of sauces? But also, there we were, coming to embrace our little side. It was amusing.
“So, real talk, what’s going on?” Barnes set his menu down.
“I don’t know. Just feeling like I need to find someone again.” It was the first time I’d voiced it out loud, and it felt great getting it off of my chest.
“Exactly how long have I been telling you that?” He stuck his tongue out. At work, he, like me, was very businesslike and, seeing him in his suit, letting his playful side out was a nice change.
“Since a week after Daddy left?” He’d been relentless and, while it could be annoying, it was also what I needed to hear at the time and even now. It meant someone saw my future as brighter than the cesspool it felt like I was living in.
“Bingo. Just put yourself out there and don’t be so picky. Speaking of which, why are you so picky? It’s okay to just have fun.”
In theory, that was true, but it wasn’t something I’d ever felt comfortable doing.
“I’m picky because… I don’t know. I just…”
“There’s a fundraiser tonight at Chained. You could go hang out there.”
And before I could answer, the server came for our order, which was good. I needed the time to think about it instead of snapping back the first thing that came to mind, which always tended to be a no.
“Are you going?”
“I’m not getting enough sleep.” Meaning, his daddy wouldn’t let him.
I bit my tongue. Everybody had the relationships they wanted, and this was what he wanted. It didn’t matter that it wouldn’t work for me. If I only had relationships that worked for other people, I wouldn’t have been alone my entire life.
“Well, maybe next time.”
“Yeah, maybe next time.”
We said that a lot, but neither of us went to the club very often, and when we did, it was rarely together.
“You should still go, though,” he said.
“I’ll go.” And once I said it, I started to look forward to it. Go Barnes, for having the best ideas. Or at least not a horrible one.
We had our chicken fingers. I went back to work, where I got stuck in contract heck and barely made it out in time to get to the fundraiser.
So much for being little tonight. I was going to be Businessman Ocean because it was better to be there than to go home and wonder if maybe tonight was the night I would finally meet my daddy.