Chapter 11 #3
There’s so much hope shining in her eyes, even if she needs a minute. “I’ll have to think about it.”
She shuffles over an inch, but doesn’t leave much space between us. I still miss the way her arm felt slung around me, like she knew she could protect a man three times her size, because it wasn’t my physical body she was worried about.
“Of course. You can also say no. I won’t be offended.
I’ll just be worried, but we’ll figure it out.
” I’ve made things awkward again, but I can’t seem to stop myself.
“I have a place in mind, if you’d like to look at it.
This old shop went up for sale across town.
When I say it’s nothing special, that’s extremely kind.
It’s basically two degrees above a dump.
We have two garages run by guys from the club, but I’d like to start another, just for body work.
We don’t have one that’s dedicated solely to that, and shoving everything into the other buildings is tough.
It would take a good while to renovate it if we did buy it.
It would be loud, before, during, and after.
Not a great place to live by any means. Actually, that’s terrible.
I don’t even know why I said that. There are other places.
If we can’t find something that someone from the club already owns, I’ll buy a house. ”
She looks at me like I’m crazy. “You do not need to do that. I’d be happy to live anywhere. I have money for rent. I can find a job. I just… might need some help, if you know anyone who’s hiring. It’s hard, when you know you’re pregnant and want to take time off, to actually find work.”
“Wherever you go, you don’t have to worry about rent. I’d like you to save your money for school, when you go back. I know lots of people who would be happy to hire you. I can talk to anyone you’d like me to.”
She bites down on her bottom lip, then reaches for the bowl of ice cream and helps herself to a spoonful.
“I’m not really a romantic, I guess. Even when I thought I was going to be married, I saw it as a partnership, not a fairytale.
” She twirls the spoon through the rapidly melting mountain of pink.
“This feels wrong, but I’m willing to admit that I don’t have twenty grand, or thirty, or forty- whatever it costs to give birth.
I know that medical bills can break a life.
” She shudders, clutching the plastic bowl as hard as I was before.
“At the same time, you’re not a bank account. I want to reiterate that.”
“I know. I know that’s the last way you think of me.
You’re not… I’m not thinking that this is the same way I needed to just provide financially before.
I want to try to be a good father for this baby.
It’s just that I’m in a position to be able to provide, and I’d like to be able to do that to give you both the best life I can.
I think that is part of a partnership. Doing what you can to help the other person live their best life. ”
She laughs wetly, like she’s going to cry, but at least her smile is there, even if it’s wobbly. “How can I argue with my own logic?”
“Not all marriages are love matches. I think there’s been worse ones made. I think there still are. Situationships.” I want to make her feel better about this, but as usual, I’m clumsy about it.
“I know many people who are husband and wife and hate each other. You’re not wrong in that. It’s incredibly sad.”
“We don’t hate each other.”
“I will never hate you.” She promises it the same way she did up at the cabin.
Like she’ll damn well move the universe if she has to, in order to keep her word.
“You’re still pale. What am I doing hogging all your ice cream?
” She passes it over and I eat a little bit just because she shouldn’t be worrying about me at all.
“I should have planned this better. Taken you somewhere else to tell you.”
“You didn’t think I’d fall apart.”
“You didn’t. You did the opposite.”
It’s flattering that she thinks so. In her books, having a near panic attack and just about blacking out don’t count. Or maybe that is the best case scenario.
“We’ll get you a place and get everything sorted.
I don’t want you to worry about anything.
” I don’t know how we’ll do it, but I want to give her that certainty.
Because no matter what it takes she’ll be taken care of.
“I have my club brothers to go to when things get tough for me, or when I just need someone to talk to. I want you to know that any and all of the guys’ women would be happy to be your friend, or if you need to talk to someone about motherhood.
Lots of the old ladies have kids, a couple are pregnant right now. ”
Her eyes brim with tears that she tries valiantly to blink away, but then her lips start wobbling and they go sliding down her cheeks in twin slicks that make me want to punch myself in the face until she throws herself at me. I catch her up in a tight hug.
“Thanks,” she says wetly, and sniffles. “Thank you for this, Odin. I’ll always value having friends, but if I truly need to talk to someone, it’s going to be you.”
Fuck. “I’m just as likely to have zero answers as give you wise counsel.”
Her body vibrates, not with a sob, but with laughter. “Either way, I think you’re the kind of person who appreciates someone being able to open themselves up in the first place, to share their private thoughts. Putting them out into the world isn’t easy.”
No. No, it’s sure as hell not. She pulls back, but again, she keeps her hand on my knee. If only she knew how much her touch grounded me. “Are you sure you’re okay?” She brushes her cheeks with the back of her hand to clear away her tears.
I realize now that they weren’t sad ones.
“I’m okay. It’s you I’m worried about. Not worried, but you’re growing a life. That’s a lot of change on top of… a lot of change.”
Her hand flexes on my knee and just for a second, there’s nothing but the purest joy on her face before she turns to the side to survey the park, and it’s gone. “Thank you for caring. Honestly. That means everything to me.”
The heat of her hand flows up my knee and pulses in my chest. I didn’t realize how cold I was.
It’s not that I don’t let myself enjoy good things.
I work hard, and I believe in hope to some extent, but I’ve never felt it like this.
It’s all encompassing, and even when Willow stands and wraps her arms around herself, I can still feel the heat of her burning through me.
Hope is dangerous because once you’ve had a taste, you’re always going to want more, and getting that want for something good crushed to dust hurts like nothing else.
I always try to moderate what I want out of life, opting for realism because I’m not a masochist. I did that shit for years and it wasn’t a good fit.
I know that I need to get myself under control and stop the insane surge of joy and hope that are flooding through me, filling me to the point where I’m so light that I could float away, but it’s hard.
Even if I have zero right to it, and I know how much it hurts to come crashing back, face first, to the ground.
“I’ll let you get back to work, if you’re sure you’re okay. I could drive you, if you’re not. Wherever you want to go.”
I scramble up. “I’m okay.” I grab the ice cream and start scooping it up, spooning it into my mouth so fast that my teeth ache and the brain freeze is real.
“Do you have somewhere to go for the afternoon? I could take it off. Get you settled in. Will you stay at the club? I can get the okay from Tyrant again, for you to use the spare room, but you can have mine again, of course, because the spare one sucks ass on the boredom scale, and—”
Bright, cheerful laughter bubbles out of her and fills up the park.
“Tarynn knew I was coming. I’m going to stay the next few days in the apartment above Crow’s shop.
I just felt like that would help everyone breathe.
It’s not because I don’t like the club or your room.
Your space is amazing. Tarynn is going to dye my hair this afternoon.
For real. She left space for me so we could catch up, and then she’s going to take me over to the apartment.
She was worried about it not being set up, but that’s okay.
It’s just for a few days, while I look for something permanent. ”
Willow isn’t just putting a good face on this. She’s determined that she’s going to be okay, and she’s the kind of person that once she’s decided something, that’s how it’s going to go for her, no matter how much bullshit happens.
She wants this baby.
She wants a life here.
She wants me in it.
As astounding as that is, I’ll do anything, move anything, force anything, work as hard as I have to, pull all the strings to make it happen. For her.
And for our child.