33. So much for my sanctuary #2
For my fragile heart’s sake, I hoped he didn’t want me to elaborate.
Fifteen years was a long time to make up for.
A lot of hurt to soothe. An even greater amount of lost trust to rebuild.
And, as he’d once put it, a lot of catching up to do.
None of that would happen in a day.
Or even a week, a month.
We’d be lucky if we ever even achieved some semblance of before, given how horrifically it had been decimated.
In a timeframe I refused to quantify, I’d be his king’s wife.
No matter how desperately I wanted to believe he’d be reasonable, would Maksym really see our hastily arranged agreement extended to his high mage? His right hand. His best friend. There was no realm of existence in which that would happen without conflict.
That meant I was going to have my heart broken again, and not because of the crushing weight of absence. It would get ripped to pieces over and over because of his presence, for the rest of my life.
I let out a shaky breath, and Jasper’s brows drew together.
“Then we’ll stay up. Whatever you want.” He ran a reassuring brush up my spine. “But you know I’m not going anywhere, right?”
“I know you aren’t. But this…?” I gestured between us, shaking my head.
Jasper’s expression softened, and he sighed. “We will need to tell Max.”
“Don’t say that.”
“No lies, Nor. Not anymore.” There was not as much conviction in Jasper’s voice as I was sure he hoped. “He’ll understand.”
I scoffed and let my head settle on his shoulder.
So badly, I wanted to tell him how long it had been since I was happy, but I just couldn’t get the right words to form.
My life had turned into an endless line of kings ripping away my only strands of happiness, and that was a gut-wrenching realization.
First, my father exiled Kieran for reasons I didn’t entirely understand.
Then, my brother decimated the life I’d worked so hard to build.
Maksym would come next in that line, I knew undoubtedly.
Jasper comforted me with a healthy dose of silence and the firm wrap of his arms for a long time.
“You know,” he finally said, “I think my bath is plenty big for two, if that would interest you?”
Ah, there it was—a wholly welcome distraction.
I chuckled quietly and straightened up in his lap. “You think? As in, you’ve lived here for years and never actually tested that theory out?”
His mouth opened and closed in clear hesitation before he nodded. “That’s correct.”
“Well, come on then.” I slid off the edge of the bed and grabbed his hand. “Let’s go break it in.”
“Mina help us, Enora; you are going to be so late,” Jasper groaned as he stumbled to the end of his bed, tossing a mixture of his clothes and mine up onto it.
I was hot on his heels, pushing him out of the way to gather my things.
We’d slept in. Egregiously.
I should’ve been back at the barracks an hour ago.
“Thank you so much for reminding me again,” I bit back. “You useless cock.”
Jasper paused with his pants half-laced, staring at me. “Excuse me? My cock is not—”
“Shut. Up.” I couldn’t get my arm through my sleeve to save my fucking life. “That’s not what I meant.”
“Better not be,” he scoffed.
As if useless was a word to actually describe any inch of his body after we’d spent the last day and a bit tangled in a variety of places between the bath and his bed, making full use of our time.
My singular gripe was how little rest I’d gotten and how quickly that bit me on my slightly bruised ass.
“Are you ready? I’ll take you straight there.”
Jasper had grabbed my elbow, but I ripped it out of his grip so fast, I stumbled. “You absolutely will not. My room. Nowhere else. I need to get a change of clothes, and we should not be anywhere together looking like we do right now.”
He swore under his breath, but I’d won that brief battle of wits.
Jasper wrapped his arm around my waist, and my senses shuddered.
They returned quickly, albeit with a bit of a wobble and a string of curses as broad daylight accosted my eyes for the first time since I’d left the arena after my first two trials.
A moment after my vision adjusted, I realized why Jasper was still as a statue.
My room had been ransacked.
Not that there was exactly anything of value housed anywhere in it to be taken. But furniture was toppled, and linens were strewn about. Every cupboard and drawer was opened, their contents dumped out on the floor.
Something that looked an awful lot like tar was poured over spans of it in hasty lines, too.
I stepped away from Jasper and let out a quiet breath of, “No.”
The small vanity I’d spent so much time at had shards of its broken mirror all over its surface.
Pots of cosmetics and creams Eilir had willed life back into were shattered on the floor.
My notebook had its pages torn out and strewn about, a tar boot-print on its leather cover.
And in the mess of paper and glass and tar was a glint of gold that made my heart bottom out. I ran over and carefully plucked my father’s pendant from the detritus with shaking hands.
After I wiped it on my skirt, it didn’t seem to be damaged, but its leather cord was ruined, and the red gem set in the gold was caked with black.
When I’d been getting ready the morning of my first trial, I wrapped it up carefully in a scarf and tucked it away in one of the drawers.
As much as I wanted to have a piece of my father with me, I hadn’t been able to stomach the thought of something happening to it, not knowing what I faced.
So, leaving it somewhere inherently secure was an easy decision.
But clearly, I’d been a fool to think my new sanctuary was actually safe.
“Give me that.” Jasper’s touch came down on my shoulder gently, and he eased the pendant from my fingers. “I’ll get it cleaned up. I’ll get all of this cleaned up. See if you can find anything to wear and get to the barracks.”
A shaky breath clawed out of my quickly numbing body, and I nodded.
If I kept moving, I could stave off the panic building in my chest just long enough.
In the tossed contents of my closets, I found a pair of pants only slightly marred by oily-black residue, and a shirt rumpled beneath a pile but clean.
I changed into them both as fast as I could, letting my body propel me on instinct while my mind toed dangerously close to freaking out before I hurried into the bathroom to get another tie for my hair.
Jasper had beaten me there.
Despite the obvious effort he was making to wipe off the mirror in hurried swipes of a cloth, the tar was unforgivingly thick, and I could still make out the letters scrawled across the glass.
ODESSAN WHORE.
HALF-brEED BASTARD.
A lump built quickly in my throat, and I no longer questioned who could’ve done such a thing to my private space.
Who held enough hate that they’d ruin the things of a woman who had nothing to her name? I knew a few Elixia who did.
A woman who wasn’t a threat.
A woman who, arguably, was not one of consequence.
Not one of importance either.
But a whore? I could arguably be called that, with how I found comfort in physicality.
And a half-breed bastard? Well, that was just an irrefutable fact, no matter how it was packaged.
My still chest ached, though.
I remembered those particular words being fired at me in the Keep’s throne room while Maksym tried to announce our betrothal as if it was anything of value.
I remembered other combinations of those words being seethed at me at earlier parts of my life too, ones I’d desperately fought to repress the memories of.
That, maybe, was why it had become a little hard to breathe.
“Look at me.” Jasper inserted himself into my field of vision. “Take what you need and get out of here, please. This will all be dealt with in every sense of the word. Trust me.”
Trust me.
Were we back on trusting terms so easily? A simple day and night together to fuck away all those years of hurt? My fickle heart could not find itself swayed so quickly.
An hour earlier, when we were warm and draped in bed? Maybe, foolishly. But not now. Not when I’d been reminded with such harshness that Grimmoria was not the place to set down my trust yet, despite how desperately I wanted to.
But to Jasper, I lied with a silent nod.
It didn’t ease the crease in his brow.
I found a leather hair tie in one of the few undisturbed drawers and made quick work of taming back my hair. If it were up to me, I would’ve slipped out of my room and hauled ass straight to the barracks, ready to unleash the torrent of nasty words building in my throat.
Of course, Jasper had to stop me when I was halfway to the door.
He grabbed my wrist and halted my course, and there was just a little too much confusion written on his face, laced with a bit of budding hurt.