24. Astraea
Chapter twenty-four
Astraea
I had planned to have this conversation with Cole before Kyros arrived.
As much as things seemed to have shifted between the two of us, my relationship with Cole feels even more fragile than what Kyros and I have been dealing with.
The betrayal I feel over the secrets she has kept hurts in a way that is entirely different.
It cuts in areas that are deep-seeded with roots and vines, which I didn’t see had thorns until I was already bleeding.
It will hurt enough without prying eyes.
“I know.” Cole sighs, finally breaking the uncomfortable silence.
She sets her steaming mug down on the bedside table and sits on the end of the unmade bed.
Regardless of the hurt I feel, I can’t ignore the immense sense of relief I have lifting from my chest at seeing her up and moving.
Whatever it is she’s kept from me, she is still my closest and dearest friend.
She folds her legs under her body, and moisture creates a glass over her eyes, but she doesn’t let the tears fall.
“I’m so glad you’re awake. I—I had thought the worst for a time.
” I admit, remembering the way that Ruaan had to beat on her chest to get her lungs working again.
Her lips press into a closed smile as she looks down at her hands.
Kyros clears his throat, pulling my attention back to him; he takes a step forward and then pauses almost as though he just noticed Colette in the room with us.
“I’ll give you two a few minutes—” He waves a hand between Cole and me, and I notice the slight tremble of his fingers when his arms fall back to his sides.
I close the small gap between us and Cole watches the exchange with open curiosity.
Taking his hand in mine, I look up to meet his shadowed eyes.
His other hand hovers for a moment over the curve of my hip as though he’s unsure of whether or not he should pull me closer.
“Are you ok?” I ask, and his face softens the way I’ve noticed it only ever does for me. The hand he kept hovering finally lands, and he pulls me into his body just enough to let me know how much he wants his hands on me but still respectful that we are not alone.
“I just wanted to let you know we are planning to leave for Aithne soon. I have nearly everything ready.” His gaze lingers on my lips before he meets my eyes again, contemplative as he studies the tension in the room between Cole and me.
“We will only be here for a few minutes. Kaeleith has already been in and has given me some supplies that I can take too.” I pull at his hand just a little, bringing him into my space further, and press up onto the tips of my toes.
When my lips meet his, it’s like static shock.
A spark. The surprise of it brightens his dark eyes.
I think surprising him will be my new favorite thing.
“Shula,” he swallows, cupping the side of my face. His gaze dances between my eyes and lips before he finally says, “Only a few minutes.” I’m breathless when he leaves the room, taking all the air with him.
“Great divine.” Colette half-breathes, half-laughs.
I roll my eyes as I turn to face her, like old times when she would give me eyes about Kellan or any other man I might come into contact with.
“The tension in this room was so thick we could have cut it with a knife.” She marvels, and I sigh.
The feeling between Kyros and me is nothing like anything I’ve felt.
I don’t quite know what to do with that little piece of knowledge yet.
“Like I said, we have a lot to talk about. So much has happened since we last saw each other.” Swallowing suddenly becomes hard as I speak that truth because part of that was me learning that she’s kept secrets from me.
“I wish we had more time to have this conversation, but unfortunately, it seems our lives are, well, even more complicated than we thought. Or perhaps you already knew?” It’s a fair assessment, but it doesn’t take the sting away from speaking the words.
To her defense, the look on her face portrays every ounce of sorrow I also feel.
I don’t wait for her to respond. I push the sleeves of my tunic up to my elbows, revealing the swirling shadow markings on my skin, and she stands abruptly, reaching out for my hands.
“Astraea!” Her head snaps up, eyes round with shock locking with mine.
“I thought you knew of my magick?” I ask suspiciously, brows furrowing as she twists my hands this way and that. I angle my arms so she can see every inch of the new intricate tattoos. The dark contrast is still strange to see marking my skin, even for me. She shakes her head.
“No, not this—I didn’t know this. I swear it, Astraea.” She says imploringly, and even though I can sense her honesty, confusion slams into me. I pull my arm away from her as I try to mull everything over.
“What do you mean? You said—when you were waking up that,” I sputter for words as my thoughts collide.
“You said you were sorry, and Kaeleith—she said that you were keeping secrets that were not yours to keep.
I assumed that this was it when you had the necklace in your hand.
If you didn't know about the magick…” I take another step back, words trailing off as she steps forward, reaching out for me again.
I shake my head, trying to work through the possibilities of what her secrets could be, if not that.
Memory after memory floods back to me. Colette always made sure I was wearing my necklace.
She always reminded me when I would forget to put it on.
Looking back, I now realize that she worried about it more than I ever had, but I never noticed.
How did I never notice? She would smile as she clasped it around my neck.
Every time she did, she knew the truth of what it was and what it did.
“You always made sure I was wearing the necklace. When a chain would break, you made sure I always had a new one. You had to have known what this pendant was created for…” Why would she want to hide that I had magick?
We were just girls when she and her mother came into service at the palace.
I thought we had become quick friends because of our likeness, but perhaps it was all just a job to her.
Tears brim in my lash line. Please. Divine, don't tell me everything between her and I was but a lie. “Cole,” I shake my head in denial. These thoughts can’t be the truth. Our friendship can’t be an act.
“I don’t know everything. My mother, she—” She swallows hard, gathering herself before continuing.
“She never knew your mother…” I choke on a sob listening to her unsteady voice.
And still, I’m shaking my head with her confession.
I pedal backward until my back collides with the hardwood door.
“Everything we ever did was to protect you. You were innocent. I was nearly as young as you when Connard took the palace. I didn’t know the royals before or much about the workings of a castle until one night, when my mother came home from her travels, frantic.
She was a healer and a handmaiden, as you know.
That much is true. She worked in the palace often for King and Queen Ruvaen.
She was there the night the palace was pillaged.
She didn’t come home for weeks after the attack.
We thought the worst. One of her sisters made sure I was cared for, but I was beginning to believe that I had lost her. Until she finally returned.”
Colette gives up her pursuit of getting closer to me and sits back down on the end of the bed, pulling at loose threads frayed on the rumpled blanket.
I watch in shock as sadness engulfs her.
My heart is a caged animal, rabid, and trying to escape.
Each one of my breaths hurt, but with my panic I feel my magick rippling along my skin.
I need answers from Colette, but this feeling…
it’s all too much. I’m terrified that I may hurt her if I don’t get out of here.
I shake my head again as her familiar pale green eyes look at me crestfallen.
As though I am the one who is breaking her heart.
I can’t breathe.
Spinning on my heel, I yank the door open to flee the confined space, only to run face-first into a hard chest just after bursting through.
My eyes snap up as his arm wraps around me, keeping me on my feet.
Hot tears roll down my cheeks without my permission.
Salty and laced with the pain of yet another betrayal.
“Easy, beautiful. Deep breaths.” Ruaan holds my upper arms in his hands, keeping my worried eyes on his steady ones; I nod.
Even though his hands on my skin feels entirely wrong, and the small inkling in the back of my mind warns that if Kyros were to see the contact, it could be catastrophic.
Maybe this is where Kyros’ need for control stems from.
The magick running through my veins feels frenzied, like it could come flooding out of me and drown everyone in its darkness.
“Watch me.” Ruaan takes a deep breath through his nose.
His chest rises, then slowly falls as he lets his breath loose through his mouth.
His scent of cedar, lemon, and mint blows my hair back from the force of his breath.
Again, he breathes—I breathe.
And again.
My heart begins to slow with the third deep exhale. Each one comes easier than the last.
“Thank you,” I sigh, and he runs his hands up and down along my arms to comfort me, looking at me like I just might break again at any moment. It’s so different from his usual demeanor, but I am grateful for his intervention. No matter how unexpected.
“I can’t imagine coming into your magick like this.
No one should have to. Our magick is an extension of our souls, and to have it blocked from you for so long…
” He shakes his head before continuing, “I don’t fault you for taking it so hard.
I’d say given your unique position, you’re handling it better than most would.
” His eyes flick over my shoulder intensely.
“It’s nothing I can’t handle.” I lift my chin. “I’ve come to accept that my life is not my own. This is no different.” He starts to say something else, but I shake my head, refusing to listen. My boots clap against the wood in the same beat as my heart.
“Astraea, wait!” I hear Cole call after me, but I don't stop.
When I make it outside, I have to squint as I come to a stop and shield my eyes from the onslaught of the sun.
The morning rays break through the lingering cloud cover brighter than I ever thought possible for somewhere that isn't the desert. It heats my skin but does little to slow the beating drum in my chest. In truth, it’s too much all at once.
Kyros’ truths, the attack at the dunes, my bond with Kyros, magick, my mother, Colette's secrets…
“Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve all of this?” My voice cracks as I let the words out with a quiet cry of pain.
“For what it’s worth, I didn’t want to keep anything from you. This hurts me just as much as I know it’s hurting you.” Colette whispers from behind me, but I don’t turn to face her.
“I believe you.. And I can even understand it, Cole. Everyone has a reason they do the things they do. Malicious intent or not, the pain is still piercing. There are so many lies. How do we ever decide what is true anymore?” I still don’t turn to face her.
I can't. She's quiet for a moment. Both of us stand quietly together, and then I feel her hand slide into mine.
She threads our fingers together and stands at my side, looking out at twisted branches that sprawl out before us.
“Maybe discovering the reason will help us decide what our truth is?” Cole turns her head toward me, and I finally look back.
I can’t be angry with her. It’s always been us against everything else.
She’s always been the one protecting me.
She has always been the one healing me when I have had punishments.
Even if it feels like there has been deceit, I know in my heart that there was no malice.
We are really no different than we were before.
“Discovering our truths?”
“Discovering our truths.” She responds, squeezing my hand. I finally turn and wrap her in my arms. “I love you. I’m so sorry—for everything.”
“I know. I’m sorry too. It’s just been one thing after another, and I just reacted. I want to hear what you have to say.” I ease back to peer into that set of familiar jade-green eyes. “I love you too, Cole.” A line appears between her brows as she chews on her lip.
“My mother told me only that the necklace was a protection for you. She said that there was a prophecy and you were at the heart of it. Without the protection, Connard would use you to ensure his reign held firm.” She shakes her head, dropping her gaze to her fingers as she picks the skin around her nails.
“You know how I feel about your father. I’ve been there for everything he’s made you endure.
I hate him as much as you do for that reason alone. ”
“So my father thought he could use me for my magick because he doesn’t have magick of his own?
” I ask the question spitefully. Anger washes over me.
I already know the truth; I don’t need her to confirm it.
The magick pulses along my skin and leaks off of me as dark mist. My nails bite into the palm of my hand with how tightly I clench my fists.
Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath in through my nose and blow it out of my mouth.
Just as Ruaan had talked me through in the hall.
Just like Kyros has told me many times before to ‘breathe’ in that same controlled tone he always has.
That is one thing I fear I’ve never had and secretly craved.
I won't be controlled anymore—not by fear, not by my father, and not by this new magick.
I will be in control.