Chapter 57 #2
Lunara thought she nodded, but couldn’t be sure. She did as she was told, leaning heavily against the panel as she finally cranked the handle and fell into a midnight sky with a scream—belatedly making sense of Endellion’s last words.
Endellion sighed as Lunara slipped into her innermost mind. The darkest parts of herself.
Getting her here had been the most difficult task. The most unsure move in the game she was playing, the pieces she was arranging. She watched through the Sight as possibility after possibility died, narrowing down to two, side-by-side.
To one of the most pivotal moments she’d foreseen.
The Moonweaver had been perilously close to succumbing to the fracturing of her bond with the Demon. Of crumbling beneath the weight of his utter desolation.
A problem for later, but not too much later.
First, Lunara had to face the split in herself. The moth-shaped divide.
“Tell me, Sorcerit,” she whispered to herself, “will your answer be right? Or will you consign us to doom-colored Night?”
Two were there, without a doubt. Two went in, but only one would come out.
The question was, which would it be?
If she was smart… If she was fast… If she trusted herself…
They’d make it just in time.
Lunara plummeted for an eternity. Stars and nebulas raced by on the edges of her vision, infinite galaxies bleeding into one another, until a blackened ground appeared below and rushed up beneath her.
Dust and debris flew as she crash-landed, knocking the air from her lungs. Staring up into the endless void, she took stock, fighting to steady herself. The impact hadn’t hurt, and the pain from before had been erased the second she’d fallen through the door.
Endellion had assured her this was all in her mind, so Lunara wasn’t fooled into a useless panic at finding herself back in the chasm—especially since this one was lacking all of the things that made the real one terrifying.
Little more than a dense, weighted emptiness, every breath thick and heavy.
She far preferred the blinding white from before to this stifling black and grey—aside from the faded orbs of dim light hovering drunkenly in a poor imitation of the spell she herself had cast in the actual chasm.
This bleak place was inside of her? Probably best if she didn’t think about it too long.
Standing, she brushed the dust away from her hands and body, finding exactly nothing when she looked both ways down the rift.
“You are nothing.”
She jolted, her insides clenching as the hair on the back of her neck rose. Maybe she’d imagined that rasping voice, scraping like cracked nails against the deepest parts of her.
“You are weak.”
O-kay… Not imagined, after all.
“Who’s there?” she called into the darkness.
“Such a disappointment. How can you even bear to look at yourself, Moonweaver?”
A hot, prickling wave of shame washed over Lunara from out of nowhere. She pressed shaking hands to her burning cheeks, confused as her chest tightened.
“Pathetic.”
She hunched unbidden, her body making itself as small as possible, limbs tingling with fear.
Still, some small part of her rebelled against it, and anger spiked. Enough to clear the dark thoughts away. To remember this was her mind, and there was no more room for anyone else inside of it.
The only shame would be to listen to yet another fucking disembodied voice spewing unwanted vitriol.
“Show yourself!”
The air stirred violently, more dust and dirt flying as a dark swath gathered in the distance. Twisted laughter echoed all around her, rife with scorn. “You are worthless and broken, you daft witch. You wish to confront me? I dare you.”
Lungs heaving, she tried to make sense of the creature bathed in shadow and gloom as she went forward on unsteady feet.
It turned to mist and rushed her, cackling as it pulled her hair. “Useless fool,” it whispered directly into her ear. “How many have been hurt because of you? How many have you let down? Your parents, your mate. Even entire realms. Dead or suffering, because of you.”
Lunara spun in place as it whipped like a cyclone around her, an elusive something pounding in her skull.
It manifested again mere feet away, looming above her and poised like a snake ready to strike. “Why do you even bother when you do nothing but fail?”
“What do you want from me?” Her demand sounded far more steady than she felt.
More hideous laughter rippled out, every mirthless chuckle slicing through her like a hot knife. “I want you to admit what a waste of space you are. That your life has been utterly pointless. Maybe I’ll leave you alone. Maybe not. Only one way to find out.”
Lunara fucking hated the tears that sprang forth, despised that she’d had that exact thought on lonely nights, even as she welcomed the seething piece of her that wished to fight.
So many stars-forsaken voices, slinking in and thinking to control her. Telling her what to do, who she was, how to be. Even Endellion had been a torture at times. Now this? No more. Her own damned thoughts weren’t even—
“We speak to ourselves in the cruelest tone, don’t we? It’s your voice, but… not. A mantra that you beat against yourself, murmured painfully in the silence of your own mind.”
Every jagged, horrible whip.
Shitting, fucking stars.
Lunara stumbled back, nausea swirling as the creature stepped into a pocket of light and showed itself.
She’d said those words to Brand what felt like a lifetime ago, and here they were—a monster staring back at her with dull eyes and sallow skin, a sickening grin exposing sharpened teeth waiting to tear her apart.
A monster that was her.
“Yes. Now you understand.” It crept forward until it was only inches away. “You did this. You wish to fight yourself? You’re even crazier than we thought.”
It was like looking into a cursed mirror. Lunara tried to keep her breaths even, tried not to sob, as she took in the lanky, stringy hair framing its grotesque visage. The tattered scraps of fabric barely covering gnarled and wasted limbs.
Reaching out a clawed hand, it ran a finger down Lunara’s cheek. “Now you see how truly helpless you are.” She finally heard the familiar notes of her own voice being twisted into something obscene. “Give in. Accept it. We will never be more than this.”
Sisters help her, but part of Lunara believed it, even if she didn’t fully understand. “What is this, exactly?”
The creature swelled, growing until it towered above her.
“This is every lonely hour and unbearable day. Every horrific memory. Lost innocence and forgotten dreams. Isolation. Belittlement. Ignorance. Failure. Betrayal. Pain.” It bent and gripped Lunara by the front of her dress.
“This is hatred, and there is nothing more powerful.”
With a flick of its wrist, Lunara was thrown across the chasm and into the cliffside, crumpling to the ground in a breathless heap.
Its taloned foot was digging into her chest before she could right herself, pinning her to the ground.
“Give in to the bitterness. Accept your spite. I will nurture it and wield a power so mighty that the realms will quake before us.”
Lunara raised her eyes and met the familiar gaze staring back at her—blue orbs swirling and hypnotizing, pulling her in to their darkest depths.
Loathing filled her, sizzling down every nerve ending. Resentment wrapped itself around her like an old, beloved blanket. Power winked at her fingertips, deeper than before, drawing as much from the misery she held close as it did from the well.
This part of herself had saved her countless times before. Protected her, kept her company.
“Yes, let the darkness flow. Let it refashion you into something greater, so we may crush all in our path and have our vengeance.”
She wanted vengeance with every fiber of her being. Wanted to scream it out over the land until her mate was returned to her.
Except, Lunara didn’t want realms to quake before her. She hardly wanted to leave bed most mornings. Crushing all in her path would make her no better than Malachyr and the Council. And darkness? Darkness was the fucking problem.
This part of herself had saved her, but it had hurt her, too. Had convinced her so many times that she was less.
She wanted her vengeance, but not like this.
Not when she could still hear Brand—louder, stronger, more fierce—telling her she was all that was lovely and blessed in this world. Everything that was good. Not when he’d plucked her from the edge of death, over and over, and held her through the worst of herself.
Not when she had a choice.
Even if it killed her, she would be worthy of him—worthy of the love he offered at every turn, that she might give it back tenfold—and to do that…
‘Is the light filled with love, or spiteful and mean?’
It crashed like a wave. Brutal, unforgiving in its heartbreak, stunning clarity in its wake.
To do that, Lunara first had to love herself.
She was the monster. The monster was her. She’d created this broken, horrific thing, and she was the only one who could fix it.
It was time to embrace the truth. It was time to embrace herself.
“Join with me.” Its milky stare was crazed as it released her and offered a hand. “Give me control. Together, we’ll wreak glorious havoc on our enemies. Together, we’ll be unstoppable.
Lunara pushed to kneeling, peering up into a ravaged face so like her own. She hadn’t noticed before how childlike it seemed. How fragile it really was. Hadn’t heard the pleading notes. The absolute suffering in its tone.
A thought from before, so different now…
“There is untold power in that first, glimmering shard of regret.” Her voice was soft as she stood. Soothing. “Such mighty strength in that first step towards changing your heart for the better.”
It bent and roared into her face, spittle flying. “Stem this weakness, you arse-brained bitch. It will not help him.” Shrieking, it backhanded her with enough force that her feet left the ground.
She landed with a thud, immediately pushing herself upright with trembling arms. “You deserved so much more than the poison I fed you.” She planted her feet, already braced for the next attack.
Lunara wasn’t scared. Not anymore.
It flew towards her, serrated claws slicing across her body. Blood poured from the wounds, but Lunara refused to back down.
“You are not a bane.” Its other hand slashed down her face.
“You are not a curse.” It shoved her to the ground and straddled her, wrapping its long fingers around her throat.
“You are not a ninny, or a halfwit, or an eejit. You are not a fool. You are not mad. Not crazed. Not ridiculous.” It squeezed, choking her.
“You are not a monster,” she wheezed, black spots dancing in her vision. “You… are not… alone.”
The creature reared back and leapt away, malformed muscles straining as it bellowed to the sky.
Lunara didn’t pay her injuries any heed—just blinked back the haze of blood loss and regained her feet.
“What are you doing?” it hissed, panting as Lunara inched closer.
She was moving on instinct. Doing something she should’ve done a long time ago.
Reaching out, Lunara grasped the creature by the face. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, smoothing a greasy lock of hair. It wailed at the contact, trying to jerk away, but Lunara held fast. “I’m so sorry.”
Its features were a mask of confusion, chest heaving as Lunara stepped even closer. “Don’t do this,” it rasped. “Don’t—”
Lunara pulled it close and—for maybe the first time in her life—wrapped herself in loving arms.
“Please forgive me.” Tears flowed unchecked as she tightened her embrace. “I would have us whole again, dear one.”
The creature tensed in her hold. “What is this?”
“You are strong.” She spoke over its growls and the snapping of its teeth. “You are lovely.” Over its gasps and whines as it weakly thrashed, uncertainty in the splintered sound. “You are worthy.”
Silence. Such deafening, wondrous silence in her mind.
So slowly it might have taken hours, crooked, emaciated arms lifted around her with a whimper.
The smile starting to spread across Lunara’s face was wiped away by the searing agony that engulfed her body, her mind ceasing to function.
Gathered over decades and bottled in this nightmarish place, it was her own pain that battered relentlessly against them. Worse than any healing she’d done before, than any physical wound she’d experienced.
They held on with clenched fists as a storm picked up—a tempest that tangled hair and clothes together. That merged breaths and skin, even as it tore ragged sobs from their throats.
It lifted them, pulling their feet from the ground with suffocating intensity, but she forced herself to speak—to scream—the final, most important thing above the howling wind.
“You are loved, Lunara!”
Light exploded from within them, shattering the darkness and landscape in one, fell swoop. Both versions of her rose above the sweeping damage. Boulders plummeted and cliffs crumbled, brittle as it all disintegrated beneath the beams of their power, until nothing was left but blinding warmth.
Only one thing left to do.
Lunara wept as she took the damaged creature into herself. Into the safety of her heart. Her skin stretched and her skull ached, ribs and limbs cracking beneath the pressure…
The slightest shift melded the two battered pieces of her and locked them perfectly together. Two halves of a greater whole, joined as one.
She pressed a hand to her chest—to the glowing stone now resting there—and laughed.