Chapter Forty-One
Asher
I walked out of the bathing room prepared to tell Bellamy all I had decided. Ready, now, to finally stop pushing forward and simply exist in this place of stillness.
But, of course, Henry was there, waiting with the biggest smile on his face. His beard was now gone, and his tan cheeks were tinted red from the cold. He wore a light blue wool top and dark black trousers, his boots tracking mud across the gray rug below his feet. I groaned as he walked towards me, his arms open wide.
“Guess who has so graciously come to visit his favorite little brat and wallow in her failure with her?” I let him embrace me, holding my towel around my body and grumbling against his chest.
“Everyone is entitled to say stupid things sometimes, but I feel as though you are abusing my patience.”
He laughed, leaning down to place a kiss to the top of my head before letting me go.
Wrath was on the bed, his body smaller than normal and curled into a ball. His eyes tracked Henry with the sort of distaste that one would afford spoiled food. I smiled, trying to remember that I agreed to free myself from the grueling task that was saving the world.
I was choosing me.
“Where is Bellamy?” I asked, my eyes darting around the rest of the room. Henry unceremoniously fell back on the bed, his head on my pillow and his feet quickly swinging to kick Wrath.
“You are quite lucky that Asher wishes for you to live, or else I would disembowel you, you ridiculous orange-haired oaf.”
I laughed as Wrath swatted at Henry’s exposed ankle, slicing him and earning a hiss of pain from the demon. Wrath stretched, turning to stick his tongue out at Henry before jumping down and making his way to me. He weaved between my legs while in his smaller state then headed to Bellmay’s satchel and secured a black long-sleeve top in his teeth. My smile lifted as he walked back to me, growing until his mouth was level with my hand. I grabbed it, offering him a scratch beneath his chin.
“Pumpkin, focus, please. Where is Bellamy?” I asked, wrapping my towel tighter before stretching out the top and lifting it above my head. Henry tucked his hands beneath his head, facing me with a devilish smirk.
Wood creaked beyond the door, and then it swung open, revealing Bellamy carrying a tray of pastries and what smelled like coffee. My hands froze above my head, eyes flicking from Bellamy’s stunned face to Henry’s smug one. Quickly, I pulled the top over my head, my towel nearly slipping when a button got stuck in my hair.
“I believe he is right there,” Henry added, a chuckle following his statement.
A pair of large warm hands met my skin just above the hem of the towel, holding it in place on either side. When my head finally popped through the fabric, Bellamy was there, smiling down at me with dimples gracing his cheeks.
“How are you feeling?” The question was spoken with a soft tone coated in nerves and fear. Perhaps that stemmed from how many times I had fallen into a catatonic state right before his eyes, or maybe it was because he also felt how truly hopeless this endeavor had been. No matter which it was, I still felt the butterflies take flight within my stomach, my heart racing as I stared into his beautiful blue eyes.
Bellamy had often told me that I was the beginning, the end, and each moment in between. At first, I had not been sure what he meant by it, but now, I thought I understood. No matter what happened from here, I knew that Bellamy would always be the start and end of my life. The two hundred six years before him had been a series of tragedies that slowly left me hollow, an empty husk void of life. Nicola, Farai, Jasper, and Sipho had poured as much love as they could into me, but all that had come was just as surely taken from me by the fae royals. With Bellamy, that would never happen again.
Regardless of what the coming war brought, I would always have that—him, us. Bellamy had gifted me something I never thought I would have: a family that loved me.
“I am okay. Happy to be with you, here. Obviously we have nothing left to do in Xalie, but we could always use this as a chance to be a bit selfish. I know that it might seem like an inappropriate time to—”
His lips met mine, brutal and claiming and full of eager energy. I smiled into the kiss, wrapping my arms around his neck and stretching onto my toes. As if no amount of connection would ever be enough, he snaked his arms around my lower back and hoisted me up, spinning me around as I laughed against his mouth.
Wrath and Henry both let out a groan, but we ignored them, living in a unique moment of slowness and joy. Stopping mid-spin, he readjusted, gripping my thighs and pulling my legs around his waist. I gasped, feeling my still-bare lower half against him.
“Get out,” he ordered Wrath and Henry before lowering his lips down my jaw. Henry grumbled, placing a hand on Wrath before the two of them disappeared in a burst of light. Teeth met the hollow of my throat, causing my head to fall back. “I love you so fucking much, Asher. Do you know that?”
Head bobbing up and down, a nearly silent moan crawled up my throat as his hands slid to my bare backside, gripping harder. My back met the wall with an audible thud, a ringed hand tracing from my hip and up my stomach, palming my breast beneath the shirt. Though I knew I could live and die happily in his touch, I also wanted to talk to him, to explain my choice.
“Bellamy,” I muttered, pushing away slightly. He instantly relented, backing his head away and staring at me with lust-clouded eyes, his lids half closed and his full lips swollen from my own. We stared at one another for a moment, appreciating all that made up the one we loved more than anything else. How odd, to be loved as much as you love. To find your equal and know that they see you as such. It was a beautiful and terrifying thing, discovering the one who made your soul complete. Because once you knew life with your other half, how could you be expected to ever exist without them again? “I do not want to give up, but I think it is time I recognize when I have lost. That morning, it felt like a failure. Though it hurts, maybe it was what I needed to finally allow myself to be selfish.”
Rubbing our noses together briefly, he gently set me back on the ground, a single heated hand cupping my cheek. My head automatically leaned into the touch, eyes closing at the sweet feel of what I now knew as home.
“I have always lived a selfish life, Ash. Each day was a chance for me to exist on my own terms, Adbeel made sure of it. No one allowed you that, so I understand why you desire to be someone outside of me. I desperately want to matter, to be more than a king or a general. Every fiber of my being desires to be someone. But I know that, without you, I am nothing; whereas, without me, you are still everything. I do not take for granted the fact that you are choosing me, and I hope you know that this setback does not negate all that you have accomplished. All that you are.” My eyes opened in surprise, staring at him with disbelief.
“No, please do not say that. You are so much more than simply mine. That first night we met, you told me you wanted to be more than a soldier or a husband or a father. You said that, knowing who I was and what you would be to me. I may not be aware of the future to the extent that you are, and I understand why I cannot yet.”
There had been a sort of silent agreement that all which could be shared with one another, would. There were secrets he could not tell me, ones that only he and a great river knew, but even those would soon be told. I could feel it, and I feared it nearly as much as the war because I knew that it would alter everything. But I had learned to love change, and I knew that I would find a way to be ready for whatever it was that he still hid from me.
Change had never been a part of my life before. Instead, I lived in a cycle, repeating the same days like a never-ending loop. An off-key melody that existed solely in the space of sorrow and duty that made up the chorus of my life’s song. But Bellamy…he was the bridge, a change in the tune that allowed it to rise. He was a stunning series of notes and lyrics that coalesced and enchanted the masses. If he was not worthy of all the love in the world, then who was?
And that truth I could tell him—I would tell him.
“But I do know you. Every beautiful part of you is the embodiment of what your realm—the entire world—needs. No future exists in which you have not exceeded every expectation of yourself, and I wish you could see how worthy of your own love you are.”
He shook his head, like he might rid himself of my words. To his core, Bellamy was fighting for love just as I had been. Though we grew and that deep need for acceptance manifested differently, I thought we might always be the same in the belief that any who loved us was being deceitful. That love came with a cost, one that we would pay ten times over even if it meant ruining our lives for it. That left us suspicious, unsure, and distrusting. Someone claimed us “loved,” and we simply heard “useful.”
“How about you and I go to that tavern nearby and, for once, have a good time? Tomorrow, we can plot and worry and fight, but today—today, let me remind you of what it is to be loved like you deserve.”
A shaky laugh broke free of his chest, lifting his cheeks and crinkling his eyes before he once more brought our lips together. I opened my mouth for him, but instead of letting him lead, I took control. Tangling my fingers in his hair, I tugged his face further into mine, tasting him with the fervor of someone denied their addiction. He moaned into my mouth, the ring of his deep tenor sending chills up my back.
“Go get dressed,” he muttered, his tongue only momentarily separating from mine. “If you do not, then we will never make it to that tavern.”
I shook my head, biting down on his lip and eliciting a low growl from him. Fingers met my side, and I was forced to separate from him as they dug into my flesh, my uncontrollable laughter and desperate pleas ignored by his relentless tickling.
“Okay, okay! I am sorry! Stop, please!”
He chuckled right along with me, pressing my body into the wall as his teeth grazed my throat, my body shaking with each laugh.
Finally, he released me, tugging his top up my body to leave me bare, winking as he backed up. When he sat on the edge of the bed, leaning back on his hands and eying me with excitement, I rolled my eyes and flashed him my middle finger. His answered hum of satisfaction warmed my cheeks and left my chest tight with adoration. With love. With complete and utter obsession.
I slipped on undergarments and thick tights, followed by a wool dress in the same shade of green as Henry’s eyes, all the while listening to whistles and murmured compliments from the male on the bed. That icy blue gaze tracked me like a predator on the hunt, and I wondered silently what it was like to be the one searching for prey.
Perhaps, for tonight, I could let go of all the inhibitions that plagued me and give it a try.
Mischief and lust tainted the air, my magic painting the male with it. His eyes widened, pupils bleeding into the blue and darkening his irises. Flashing him a wicked smile, I slowly pointed my toes as I slid my foot into my black boot, letting my fingers trace up my calf when I was done fastening the laces. Gleefully, I repeated the action with the other foot, watching his chest rise and fall more quickly with each passing second. My cloak was last, which I fastened as I cleared my throat.
I stood with a broad smile, winking at him this time. He blew out a heavy breath, shaking his head and taking the hand I outstretched. We walked that way, the skin of our palms electrified by the contact and his thumb tracing lazy circles across the back of my hand.
Henry and Wrath were at the base of the stairs, both sitting on the bottom step and spitting harsh words at one another. So, really it was no different from any other day.
“You look like a fucking hair ball, what gives you the audacity to give me advice?” Henry asked, the rhetorical question hissed between clenched teeth.
Wrath lifted his furry chin, as if he was above the insult. “If she has not spoken to you in three days, I think it is quite obvious that you were as unsatisfying in the bedroom as you are unappealing to look at.”
I stifled a laugh, further struggling when Bellamy allowed his own to ring free. Henry turned back to us, his mouth agape and his eyes narrowed. He looked far more stricken than he had with any insult I had thrown his way recently.
Was I losing my touch?
“I hope she snaps your cock tonight.” Henry followed up his oddly specific and slightly psychotic insult with a middle finger to Bellamy, then he stood and left. Wrath chuckled to himself, Bellamy doing everything he could to hold in his amusement. With a tug on his arm, I moved us forward, walking down the short hallway to the door ahead. Outside, snow still fell from above, daylight causing the puffs of white at our feet to nearly blind us. Squinting our eyes, we made our way towards Henry, who stomped ahead of us with far more anger than I thought laughter could ever ignite within him.
“Genevieve must have really done a number on him.” Bellamy’s muttered reply matched my own thoughts perfectly, causing me to finally let out the giggle I had been holding in. Henry turned around at the sound, staring daggers at me. Before I could so much as breathe, the Sun was in front of me, the flash of light even brighter than the snow. His hand wrapped around mine, and I was suddenly wrenched from Bellamy’s grasp. We appeared within a forested area, the city still in sight.
“Henry, what on Alemth—”
“Four and a half months!” His shouted words left me speechless, trying to understand what he was referring to. My head tilted, the same thing Bellamy always did, and I knew it only further irritated Henry by the way he reached out to straighten it as he groaned. “That is how long I have been fucking Genevieve. Do you know how exhausting it is to have traded one annoying princess for another?”
Then he was pacing, his face pointed down towards the icy ground as he made quick work of unknowingly digging down to the grass.
“Immensely, I imagine.”
“Exactly! So, it is not like I desire her company or even really like her. She is just something new. I have never had sex with a mortal before her, and she is far less breakable than I thought.” For some reason, picturing Henry with Genevieve sent images of Sterling on top of me to my mind. I found my hands gripping my chest to keep myself from panicking in front of an already distraught Henry. This was about him. He needed me to be whole while he broke. “Okay, fine. She is incredible in bed. Still, I do not care if she ignores me for three days. She can do whatever she wants, and I truly could not care less!”
What I wanted to ask Henry was why he was explaining this to me. Every word sounded more and more like an attempt to convince himself rather than anyone else, and I found I could not just sit by and let him wallow. Or whatever it was he had decided to use as a coping mechanism.
“Henry?” No response, just more pacing. I tried his name six more times before I was finally fed up with it and slapped him across the face. A shocked gasp split the air, his hand cradling the injured cheek as he stared at me in bewilderment. Despite my annoyance with him, I found my lips tilting up slightly at the look on his face. “Calm down and help me understand.”
“Why is she ignoring me? What did I do?” Freezing, I watched as his hands went to his hair, tugging violently on the orange strands. When his head fell back and he grunted in frustration, my amusement faded completely.
“Henry, do you… like Genevieve?”
“Oh, please. We are not younglings, Asher. I do not have a little crush.” The scoff that came from him sounded far too choked to be casual. Which was why I did not joke or laugh or smack him again. Instead, I closed the space between us and wrapped my arms around his waist, my ear on his chest and my fingers interlocked at his lower back.
For a moment, he only stood there, palms pressed to his face and breathing heavily. Eventually, though, he relaxed into my embrace. His nose pressed into the top of my head, arms wound tightly over my shoulders. Our chests soon rose and fell in perfect synchronization, the silence a comfort in comparison to all the noise we were constantly surrounded by.
I did not speak. Any advice I could offer was pointless when I had no experience with that sort of thing. Telling him he deserved better would not matter, because he wanted her. Explaining that it would all be okay was ridiculous, because who knew if it would? There was no correct thing to say in that moment, so I said nothing until he did.
“Why do I care, Ash? I should not care.”
“There is no blueprint, Henry. No one can determine who you should or should not care about. Your heart will choose regardless. And if it hurts you in the end, then at least you felt.”
He groaned, nodding against my head. “I am so sorry it is her. I know it must be upsetting.”
“No. The only thing that bothers me is seeing you hurt.”
We stayed in the embrace until I felt Wrath weaving between our legs, his body nearly as small as a squirrel. Henry yelped, backing away from me. When he caught sight of Wrath, he made the most dramatic gagging sound, leaning down to wipe the bottoms of his trousers in disgust. Wrath let out a low growl before snuggling up against my ankle, and I waited patiently for Bellamy to find his way to me as well.
The smell of him arrived before his touch, cinnamon and smoke greeting me. His embrace came shortly after, and I settled into him, my head leaning back to rest on his chest. It was odd to experience the differences between Bellamy’s and Henry’s presences so close together. The latter felt like a blanket, comfort and warmth. But Bellamy, he felt like a storm. Like lightning crackling my nerves and thunder raging in my chest. It was like being in the center of a tornado, every emotion swarming me and sucking the air from my lungs—drowning me in love and obsession and joy and desperation. I wondered if I would ever get used to it.
If I would ever have the chance to.
With a kiss to my temple, he left me, my back suddenly ice cold at his absence. He made his way to Henry, wrapping an arm around his best friend’s shoulders and walking him down the hill. They spoke in hushed tones, their conversation private—just as it should be. Wrath grew, his nose grazing my fingers and his fur now thick and scruffy. He really was horrifying in this form, his teeth so large they could probably tear me in two within seconds. I leaned down, grabbing either side of his head and placing a kiss between his wide yellow eyes.
“If I do not survive this, take care of them for me.”
“Do not be melodramatic. You will live thousands of years. I am sure I will be stuck carrying a ring down an aisle at your wedding to the idiot prince and will have my fur tugged by your tiny menaces that you will force me to love.”
My chuckle was stiff, sad even. I could feel how wrong he was.
Before I could wallow too much in my heavy premonitions, Wrath shoved his head into my stomach, lifting to toss me in the air. I screamed in terror, my arms and legs flailing as I fell back towards the snow. But Wrath was there, his back stopping my fall as he continued to grow until he was the size of a large horse. My smile was broad as I adjusted myself atop him. And soon, he was running forward, my hands tightly gripping the fur at the nape of his neck.
I was still a horrible rider in comparison to the others. Months atop Frost and a ride upon a dragon had not fixed my lack of coordination in that sense. Still, I held on, not falling even when Wrath leapt down the hill and caused my bottom to lift from him as we sailed. Bellamy and Henry ducked in surprise, both watching in disbelief as we charged ahead of them.
For the first time in longer than I cared to admit, I threw my head back and basked in joy.