five
The Merciful
“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” I begin, running my palms down my thighs. “It’s been almost a month since my last confession.”
I’ve been avoiding this, but I wanted to come and get everything out in the open before classes resumed, so I could start the semester with a clean slate.
“What’s weighing on you today, lamb?”
“I’m not an innocent anymore,” I say, balling my fists in the stretchy fabric of my simple grey, knit skirt.
“What makes you say that?” Father Salvatore asks in that voice like sin and velvet, the one that makes my toes curl inside my clogs.
“I did it,” I say, my voice catching. “I did it all.”
I take a breath and spill the whole story, what happened at the kneeler where others take communion, and how someone took their communion early, in me.
How I felt, and then how Angel took me to his room, and how it happened again, though I didn’t mean for it to.
And what Saint said to me when he walked in.
When I finish, I wipe the tears from my cheeks.
“I’m not sorry, either,” I say. “I know it sounds bad, but it felt good.” My cheeks warm, and I sniff up my tears and try again. “Not just physically. Mostly mentally. I’ve never felt that way, so powerful. I—I liked it, Father. And maybe that’s the bigger sin.”
“It is not a sin to enjoy the body God gave you,” he says, the low rumble of his voice so sexy it has my breath quickening.
I wonder if he enjoys the body God gave him, when it’s not hidden under those robes or the suit he wears to class. I wonder if he pleasures himself the way he wanted me to. Priests don’t have to be celibate anymore. Does he indulge in the pleasures of the flesh too?
Heat creeps up my neck at the thought, spreading over my chest. My nipples pebble, and I squeeze my knees together and squirm on the hard bench.
“Do you?” I whisper.
“I am not for you, lamb,” he says gently, and it takes a moment for me to realize he misunderstood me. That he thinks I was asking if he enjoyed my body, not his own.
“That’s not—” I break off, biting my lip. I can’t pretend it doesn’t excite me to think about it. I’ve fantasized about it, about bringing this remote, stoic yet gentle man to his knees, hearing him beg the way Angel did on his mattress that day. But he must know already. I’ve let him know before.
“Tell me more about your emotional state,” he says before I can embarrass myself further. “How are feeling? Have you been maintaining your relationship with Him?”
“With Angel?” I ask. “I haven’t seen him since the incident. He walked out afterwards.” My breath hitches, but I go on. “I felt good about it at the time, but after my brother walked in on us…” Shame burns through me at the memory.
“I meant God,” the priest says. “But go on.”
“Oh,” I say faintly. “I’ve been praying.
For clarity and… And answers. How I could feel so violated in the church, but also so good.
So helpless, and yet so powerful. And with Angel…
How could he walk out on me like that? Saint said it was because Heath needed them, but I don’t think he did.
I think… I think we’re actually okay. Me and Heath.
I apologized, and he didn’t say it, but I think he forgives me.
At least, I think he can. Maybe he’s only started.
And Angel, he only wants to keep the peace, I think.
But Saint… You should have heard how he talked to me. He hates me, Father.”
“I think we both know that is not the case.”
I sit with that a minute, turning it over in my head.
“He’s so cruel to me,” I whisper. “Crueler than the others by far. Does that mean he loves me more?”
“Only one person can answer that,” Father says. “But you must know the reason for his cruelty isn’t you, lamb.”
“He’s so angry,” I say. “How can I make him forgive me?”
“He’s not angry at you,” he says gently. “He’s angry at himself for the way he feels for you.”
“Then why doesn’t he just tell me?” I ask. “I feel the same. I love him, Father. He knows that. I told him.”
“And if you saw him with one of your friends?” Father Salvatore asks. “How would you have reacted?”
I feel like I’ve taken a hit to the solar plexus in the Slaughterpen. The pit in my stomach is endless, throbbing with a pain as deep and relentless as a toothache.
This time, the shame I feel is for being selfish, for never even considering his feelings.
I knew he was angry, but beyond that, I didn’t stop to think why.
To think that maybe it was about more than finding his best friend in bed with his sister.
He wasn’t just being possessive or wanting to hurt me. Maybe he was hurt too.
And I know I’ll never be anything but the worst sinner when that thought brings a bit of comfort.
“What should I do?” I ask, desperate to make things better.
“What do you want to do, lamb?” Father Salvatore asks gently.
I remember him in my room, instructing that dirty thing I did with Saint. We didn’t touch, though. Saint refused when the Father encouraged us to test our bond.
“I…I could try to tempt him,” I whisper, my cheeks heating with shame at the thought of what I’ve become. Not just a sinner but a temptress, Eve offering her apple to Adam with the most innocent yet beguiling smile hiding her true intentions.
“Would that release you from your sense of shame?”
I squirm on the bench, my core pulsing at the thought of Saint filling me the way Angel did.
The way the stranger did.
I push the thought away. I will not think of him. I will pretend that never happened, that Angel was the first man to push inside me, to open me, to cherish my body like a treasure.
On the heels of that thought, though, is what happened next. The searing scald of betrayal, the crushing blow to my heart after he worshipped my body until I was drunk on the pleasure.
“I’d like you to try something different this week,” Father says.
“Oh?” I ask faintly, my pulse fluttering. “What’s that?”
“I’d like you to try talking to him,” he says. “You’ve cleared the air with your brother when it was just the two of you. Maybe it’s time you all sat down together and told each other plainly what you what.”
“Oh,” I say again, my heart racing at the thought of what he said.
If I thought seducing my brother would be difficult, this seems impossible.
Not only that, but at least I would get some pleasure out of the first option.
Only dread rises at this new direction the priest has instructed me to go, the weight of it pooling heavy in my stomach.
“Do you think you could do that for me, lamb?”
“Can’t I just do a hundred Hail Marys or something?” I ask halfheartedly.
Father Salvatore chuckles. “Try it my way, and if that doesn’t help, you can say your rosary.”
I slump down on the bench and drop my head back against the wall. “Yes, Father.”
When I leave, I form a plan. I need something bold, so the guys don’t just dismiss me or tell me that I’m not the one who calls the shots.
This time, I’m calling the shots.
AMercilessSoule: I need to talk to you.
AnAvengingAngel: wsp
AHeartlessHeathen: which 1 of us?
AMercilessSoule: all of u
AnAvengingAngel: about?
ASoullessSaint: how tf did u get my #
AHeartlessHeathen: time & place
AMercilessSoule: my room 1 hr
AnAvengingAngel: kk lil mama
AHeartlessHeathen: ill b there
I’m disappointed by Saint’s reaction, but I can’t pretend I’m surprised. I’ll just have to hope that he shows. If I know my brother, he’ll be too pissed by the thought of being left out and not knowing what we talked about to skip, even if he won’t confirm in the group chat I created.
An hour later, I’ve set up my room to receive guests for the first time.
Every time they’ve come over before this, they barged in unannounced and uninvited.
This time, I set up my pillows in comfortable places at the head and foot of my bed, pull my chair out, and set up a spot on the floor with pillows where I can sit and face them.
I’ve also prepared snacks, if only to calm my nerves and busy my hands while I wait.
Angel and Heath arrive together, knocking first but entering before I have a chance to open the door. Heath bounds in, looks around, and sniffs the air.
“Hot cocoa?” he asks, and I deliver a mug to him.
A few minutes later, we’re all seated when Saint arrives.
Unlike the others, he waits for me to open the door and invite him in, though he looks less than pleased and a little suspicious when he steps inside, like he thinks we’re staging an intervention.
“Well, spit it out, little sister,” he grouses, dropping into the chair we left for him.
“Yeah, what’s this about?” Angel asks.
“Want us to run a train on you?” Heath says, blowing on his cocoa. “We don’t need formal invitations for that. Just say the word, and we’ll be there. We’re always up for a gang bang.”
“No,” I say, sitting cross-legged on my floor pillow. “I actually wanted us all to be on the same page about what we talked about the other day. About your sister.”
Heath scowls, but he doesn’t make a lewd or smartass comment for once.
“You know I’m looking, and Saint knows,” I say. “Now Angel knows—if you didn’t already.” I turn to him, my throat tightening at the memory of his betrayal, and what we did before that. He just nods, cool as always.
“What do you hope to accomplish with this?” Heath asks. “Are you just trying to get us to band together, like some Scooby Doo bullshit, so we’re all on the same team and you can pretend you never fucking sold us out?”
“No,” I protest. “I know it won’t be like before. It’ll never be the same, even if we find her. We’re not kids anymore. And after what happened with us…”
“You mean how you fucked Angel?” Saint demands. “Or Heath? Or wait, how you swallowed my cum like a thirsty slut?”
I swallow hard, refusing to let his cruel words break me. “Yes,” I say. “Angel, you said I was absolved. Did you mean that?”
He glances at the others, and I think I see a bit of guilt there, but then he shrugs. “Yeah,” he says. “I’m not mad about what you did anymore.”
“Heath?” I ask, turning to him and drawing a breath. “I said I was sorry. Do you forgive me?”
“I don’t know if I’d go that far,” he says. “But I think we’re even.”
I gulp down my nerves and turn to my brother. “Saint?”
“I said I’d help you find her, didn’t I?”
“Okay,” I say, sitting up straight and pressing my palms to my thighs. “If that’s how it is, I can live with that. Now, let’s talk about what we know.”
“The DNA wasn’t mine,” Heath says quietly.
“They said it was enough of a match to be a half-uncle to Angel.”
“It wasn’t me,” he growls.
“Do you know who it was?” I ask because I’m sure there’s something they’re not telling me.
When he doesn’t answer, I sigh. “I really do want us all to be on the same page, but it would help if y’all told me what you know.
Saint already told me it was her idea. A pre-initiation. I know there were other people there.”
“It was Maverick,” Saint says.
Angel glares, obviously not liking that Saint ratted out his cousin to me. But it all makes sense now. I nod slowly, fitting the pieces into place. When Dynamo gave me the information, he thought it was a cousin.
“But again, what do you think you’re going to do with that information?” Heath asks. “You think we didn’t already exhaust all the possibilities? That we didn’t look for her? What can you do that we haven’t already done?”
“Well, I got a lot of information about the case,” I point out. “And I have a connection with lawyers in the family. Maybe we can find out something.”
“Trust, we tried,” Angel says. “Went all the way to the leader of the entire Skull and Crossbones organization.”
“He wouldn’t talk to me,” Heath grumbles. “But Angel got right in.”
“Not me,” Angel says. “My dad. He wouldn’t see me, either. The guy is just about impossible to meet, and even more impossible to impress. Only sees people by appointment, and even then, you better be fucking important if he’s going to give you ten minutes of his precious time.”
“What did you talk to him for?” I ask.
The guys all exchange looks, some silent conversation, and then Angel answers again.
“Just to plead our case. Ask him to put feelers out, see if they knew what happened, where she was. But it was a dead end. He stonewalled, which means he probably didn’t know anything and didn’t want to lose face by admitting it. ”
“Or he fucking knew, and decided she wasn’t important enough to do anything about it,” Heath grumbles.
“But you’re a member, right?” I ask.
“Yeah,” he says. “But I’m no one. Just meat, one more body on the roster. Angel’s important. He’s a legacy. His dad is high up in the organization. I’m the first person in my family to join. I’m basically cannon fodder. Why give a single fuck about my sister, who wasn’t even a member yet?”
“Okay, so he didn’t care enough to help find her,” I say. “So what? Neither did the legal system. But that’s where we have the advantage. Because we do care. And we’re not giving up until we find out what happened to her, and if she’s alive, until we bring her home.”
The guys all stare at me a long minute.
At last, Angel nods. “I’m in.”
“I already told you I was,” Saint says.
“Great,” I say, blowing out a breath before turning at last to Heath. “You?”
He hesitates, his jaw working back and forth. But I know that under that stubbornness is a boy who’s afraid to get his hopes up again because he wants this more than any of us. At last, he gives a curt nod. “Let’s do it.”