4. Four
“You must be excited,” Liatris said cheerily. Her pale skin, though not as white as Ludelle’s, turned flush with glee. Kotyn shook awake from her spot near the window, yawning and showing her sharp teeth in protest of the disturbance to her slumber. Ludelle liked to think that Kotyn learned that maneuver from her.
“Excited for what, Liatris?” Ludelle put her book down, one that she had hoped to read in silence, but Balvan insisted that she spend some time with her ladies in waiting, explaining that another woman’s opinion might help her make her decision on which suitor would be worthy of her choice. Ludelle had to restrain herself from leaping on top of the man and blasting ice down his throat until he choked and died. Why did everyone else’s opinion matter more than her own? She was Queen after all, shouldn’t people come to her for counsel?
Plus the mixture of perfumes in the room did the opposite of what Balvan hoped. Her head throbbed everytime she had to breathe in the abstract aroma of a perfume imported from another court.
More cautiously now, Liatris responded, “Well…marriage of course. It’s such a joyous occasion.”
The other ladies nodded their heads enthusiastically, trying to be encouraging but Ludelle knew they had their own motives. Ladies in waiting could not marry until the Queen was wed. They could not bear children until Ludelle did, too. It was an outdated custom that Ludelle wanted cut from the law, but she could not make changes before her first Undertaking. She needed to first prove herself to the Snow Court—which was fair, but frustrating.
“Yes, of course.” She sipped on her tea, her book now long forgotten, and the room seemed to relax. “My marriage will be filled with wondrous joy. A man will come into my life, claim his title as my consort, and spend the rest of his days trapped in a dungeon cell.”
One of the ladies dropped her spoon, the sound clattering loudly. A maid rushed over to pick it up and another offered a fresh spoon. Saira sheepishly accepted it.
“Pardon?” Villeta exclaimed in horror, her brown eyes blown wide.
These women were too easy to frighten. Too bad she didn’t have a choice in picking her ladies in waiting, either. She would have preferred a bunch who were a bit more bloodthirsty. Even her cousin Helena was much too sweet-natured for Ludelle. Though at least she didn’t walk around Ludelle like the ice of the castle floor was melting.
Helena currently sat next to Villeta on a plain white chaise, her hands on her lap. Helena’s deep purple gown couldn’t hide Villeta’s own hands which inched closer to her cousin’s. Ludelle took note to offer them support when they were finally free to marry after Ludelle’s own nuptials. Now was not the time to bring it up.
“I jest, ladies.” Ludelle smiled sincerely, even showing her teeth. “He will live comfortably, warm my bed, and once I have an heir, he will be fed to Kotyn.” The silence became palpable and awkward. Ludelle had to stop herself from rolling her eyes at their seriousness. “Truly, this is just me making light of a difficult situation. I am nervous about my first Undertaking. I’m sure you understand?”
“Of course,” the ladies echoed.
“I have been told I need to ask for your help on who I should choose as a husband.” Since they didn’t want to entertain her honest thoughts, they would move on to a truly grim topic.
Thankfully, that lit up the room again. Each of them stated their opinions before Ludelle could even mention that she had narrowed down the nobles to four options this morning, before meeting with Balvan. He had been pleased with her remaining selection. That made her want to reconsider her options. Surely, they couldn’t have the same taste. Though she did notice his jaw clench when he got to the last name: Lord Cirrus. Ludelle wished he was only there for spite, but Ludelle truly believed he was the best of the bunch.
“Well, it can’t be Lord Trevan. I heard he has an affinity for walking naked around his home,” Villeta said.
“That doesn’t sound too bad,” Helena giggled, covering her mouth like a proper lady. Ludelle’s mother always liked to compare the two of them when growing up. She believed that Helena had the right composure and manners for Queenhood, while Ludelle was too wild. There wasn’t even a point to her mother’s opinion since Helena was not destined to be Queen, unless Ludelle died without an heir. Then, the Weather Gods, specifically the Goddess of Snow, Moroza, might bestow the honor to Helena. Ultimately, her mother was being cruel only to get into Ludelle’s head and make her feel unworthy of a title that was hers from birth.
Villeta said into her tea, as if knowing her words were too vulgar for such a refined setting, “Well, when you live in the Snow Court, it doesn’t flatter his cock.”
“I heard it shrivels up,” Helena added. If only her mother could see the lack of her propriety, now. Villeta leaned her head onto Helena’s shoulders, a blush staining her cheeks. Ludelle truly wondered how she could have been so blind to their clear adoration of each other.
The rest of the room snorted. Ludelle scratched behind her ear, trying her best to put on a smile.
“And who has caught your eye, Queen Ludelle?” Saira asked.
Ludelle looked at the closed door, knowing who waited right outside it.
“Captain Zimyn is handsome,” Liatris said with a sigh, as if she was dreaming of him.
“I never said such a thing,” Ludelle snapped.
“We don’t need words to know where your mind wandered.” Villeta teased, her tone increasing in pitch.
Ludelle tightened her lips, unable to have this conversation. Her heart physically hurt because of what she recently learned. Zimyn planned to leave her. Everything they had planned and dreamed would be crushed.
Helena jumped in. “Maybe we should talk about the latest fashion instead.”
Ludelle gave her cousin a grateful look, as the ladies quickly changed the subject to the growing trend of leather cloaks. Ludelle participated where she could, but even the switch in topic could not dissuade her mind from thinking of Zimyn. Once she completed her Undertaking, he would be gone. Any potential of them being together would be officially severed. They were on two different planes, now, and her marriage would only separate them further.
Ludelle hated the training rings. Not the actual act of training. The movement required was a reprieve from reading official court documents all day. She hated that the guards had no qualms giving their unsolicited feedback about her improper form, or the way she scrunched her face to focus, even if their advice was always helpful.
Growing up, Ludelle had practically begged Zimyn to train her somewhere privately, but he refused, saying that as Queen she should be comfortable sharing space with her subordinates. It was a humbling experience to say the least.
As a compromise, they always worked in an isolated corner, still visible for all to see but at least she wasn’t in the center like some kind of common street performer.
“You’re distracted,” Zimyn said from his place along the wall, a sword in hand that he polished with a rag. He had received that sword as a gift from her parents when he was given the title of Captain and he treated it with great honor. Ludelle found it endearing on most days, but not now.
“Am not,” she shot back, shaking her shoulders out to loosen her body, which had become more tense with each passing day.
“You’ve been standing there for ten minutes and haven’t thrown a single dagger.”
“I’m warming up.”
“We live in the Snow Court. There’s no such thing.”
She gave him the middle finger, unpleased with his horrible humor. Not wanting to give him another reason to make another joke, she threw a small dagger at the target. It hit off-center to the outermost ring on the right side.
Zimyn raised his brows. She tried again, once more hitting off-center. She cursed under her breath, throwing another hastily in anger, which completely missed and clanged to the floor. She could feel the eyes of other guards on her now, their own training paused and intrigue piqued. She took a deep breath and didn’t allow herself to make a scene.
“Let’s hope if you face anyone in the Undertaking that they show mercy on you and purposefully run in front of the knives.”
“And you can do better?” A stupid question that she regretted as soon as it left her mouth. He knew it, too.
“Is that a challenge?”
“No.”
He shrugged, sheathing his sword and slowly stretching his arms as he made his way over, his scales shining in the afternoon light. He extended his hand, and Ludelle placed a knife into it. Their hands barely brushed, yet a shock of desire sparked through her.
Without even sparing the target a glance, keeping his attention zeroed on Ludelle, he threw the dagger. Neither of them broke eye contact as the room around them blurred into a blue haze. His musky pine scent filled her nostrils while his icy blue eyes captivated her. All of it was so consuming that she forgot what they were even doing.
Her body inched forward, a pull that she couldn’t resist. Why did they always find themselves in these scalding situations?
“Bullseye,” he whispered in her ear. Being a foot taller than her, he needed to bend down considerably.
“You didn’t even look.”
“I didn’t need to look. I always hit the target.” He shrugged. “I’m just that good.”
“Too bad all that skill will go to waste,” she muttered, now focusing on the target instead of him. Beside her, he stiffened.
“What does that mean?”
“It means…”
Someone cleared their throat. “I didn’t realize training required exchanging secrets.”
Both of them stepped quickly away from the other. A blast of cold ran through her with Zimyn no longer near. The rest of the room was pointedly not paying attention to them. Grunts and slashes of swords echoed in the room, but Balvan stood expectantly behind them, expression grim.
“You have an early morning tomorrow, Queen Ludelle,” Balvan said. “It would be in your best interest to get an early rest.”
She nodded, still trying to get her bearings again. Zimyn had started cleaning up the area, aggressively removing the daggers from the target and putting them away. He didn’t look her way again. She wanted to reach out to him, to take his strong hands in hers, and show him exactly where he should be aiming. But such unproductive thoughts would get her nowhere.
In fact, she needed to stop allowing herself to even think of his hands on her. It would never be. She would never get to experience his weight over hers as he thrusted into her, never feel his hot mouth on her core. Worst of all, he would no longer be hers to command.
She headed toward the exit, her fighting leathers chafing her bristling skin. She couldn’t wait to get the blasted things off. “Thank you for your concern, Balvan, but I can take care of myself.”
Balvan led her out towards the courtyard—giving them privacy—as he said, “Can you? You two were breaths away from ruining everything. Who will want to marry you once you’ve sullied yourself with a low born, like him?”
“Who would not want to marry the Queen?” she challenged.
“You think you have more power than you do, but until you have shown the people that you can replenish the Court, you are nothing more than a caged animal being watched.” He glared back through the archway at Zimyn, who was still distracting himself with the equipment. “This childhood crush cannot be your future. ”
“Where are you taking me?” Ludelle whispered in the quiet night, her parents and grandmother asleep already and only a few guards scattered the premises.
“It”s a surprise,” Zimyn had said with an airiness to his voice.
They had snuck out of the castle together. He had his hands in hers as he guided her outside somewhere, but he refused to tell her where, which deeply annoyed her.
She should have been entertaining Lord Mitah who had visited with his mother. Ludelle found him to be boring. He lost a game of cards with her, and instead of being impressed and congratulating her, he threw a fit. His pride was wounded, Ludelle supposed. She mentally crossed him off the list of potential future husbands for when that time came. Not for many years, she reminded herself.
“Are we almost there?” Ludelle whined. Her feet were starting to tire.
“Almost,” Zimyn reassured her. His hand touched the small of her back and guided her in front of him.
Father’s Undertaking had just been completed a few days ago, and she could smell the oncoming blizzard. She couldn’t wait to see the lands covered in snow, especially the village right by the castle. She would need to go down there. The village—the whole court actually—came alive during the first snowfall after the Undertaking. She thought fondly about her favorite tree syrup treat created with the first snowfall; the villagers would pour the golden liquid onto the cold snow, creating a delicious delicacy.
“Open your eyes.”
Ludelle did, and her vision needed a moment to adjust. At first, she didn’t know what she should be looking at. They were in the middle of the forest, but there was nothing special. Then, she heard a tiny mew echo up from her feet.
A baby snow leopard inched towards her. It looked hesitant and scared.
“Wh-what is this?”
Zimyn chuckled at her shock. “A snow leopard, Ludelle. I found her a few days ago.”
“Where’s her mother?”
Zimyn”s face became solemn as he crouched down and allowed the small animal to come to him. The cat sniffed his hand. “We don’t know. I’ve been feeding her everyday and she’s been alone each time.”
Ludelle bent down, her midnight blue cloak getting caught in the twigs and bramble, but she didn’t care. The tiny kitten came to inspect her wearily. Ludelle created a small icicle from her fingers, and the kitten licked at it with its prickly pink tongue.
“She’s so sweet. Does she have a name?”
Zimyn was breaking up a twig into small pieces. “I’ve been calling her Kotyn.”
“Kotyn?” Ludelle asked. “You named it after Moroza”s cat?” As Zimyn nodded sheepishly, Ludelle added. “I like it.”
“I thought she could be yours.”
Ludelle lost her balance slightly, causing the animal to back away. “Mine? My parents would hate her. I couldn’t subject her to that.”
“Well, I think she needs a home. At least until she”s older,” he added. “I also think she needs companionship. Someone who will be by her side. Just like you have me.”
Ludelle looked at Zimyn, then—really looked at him. His sky blue hair blew in the breeze, and his eyes shone brightly, like two moons calling to her.
“You’ll always have me,” he rasped.
Ludelle’s gut tightened. Because yes, he would always be there as her Captain, but she wanted something more. He did, too. They always did.
Ludelle picked Kotyn up and pulled her into her lap as she sat down on the cold dirt.
“Would you be by my side as a husband?”
“No,” he shook his head. It hurt for her to hear it, even if she knew that would be the answer. “I don’t want that pressure and all those eyes on me.”
“I want to change this court,” Ludelle said quietly.
Zimyn nodded. He understood her desires more than anyone. Whenever they found themselves alone, she would whisper of all the changes she would make as Queen. How she wanted to start a council of representatives from each region of the court, how she wanted ladies in waiting to have more freedoms to make choices for themselves, how she wanted her own children to be able to choose a consort of love. No more pressure of choosing a powerful noble who would be advantageous to the court.
“But I still want you.”
Zimyn gulped, “Me too.”
But what they wanted were so at odds with what the court expected.
“Then have me secretly,” Ludelle said. “Have me wholly behind closed doors where eyes cannot see.”
“That…that sounds like a bad idea.”
Kotyn fussed in her hands so she let her go. Kotyn wandered the small area, sniffing the leaves but keeping close by.
“Once I have you,” Zimyn said. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to let you go.”
Ludelle sat back on her hands, letting the dirt soil her hands and the sticks bite into her pale skin.
“Then we wait,” she suggested. “I’ll complete my first Undertaking, marry my consort, and then we can be lovers in secret.”
Zimyn considered her words, rubbing his chin. “It might take years, decades even, before you need to do your Undertaking.”
“I will wait as long as it takes to finally call you mine. Any amount of time together will be enough.”
“I love you, Ludelle.” He said it so easily, so simply, and her heart fluttered. “I would wait centuries to have you, even if our time together is only seconds. I would find you in another life, just to have you again.” Zimyn gently kissed her lips, offering only a taste of what she one day hoped to have in full.