20. Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty
“ N o.”
Tate wasn’t sure he’d heard right at first, but North moving away from him made things pretty clear. He didn’t go far, but even slipping his legs off the side of the bed as he sat up and put his head in his hands was too much.
This was what Tate had been trying to avoid. And he might have if North hadn’t seen Ray all those times. If Ray hadn’t made up that shit about fucking him as a teenager to set Connor off. Ray had been careless and arrogant, so certain he’d get exactly what he wanted and no one could stop him.
Maybe he was right—he had been so far—but Tate didn’t doubt for a second that North meant what he said.
He loves me.
And that love would have him doing whatever he could to protect Tate, even if there was no fucking point to it. There had to be a way to make him understand. But not tonight. Not after all he’d figured out and what Tate had confessed.
But…but there had to be a way to at least buy some time.
Something like the truth.
Tate slipped off the bed and knelt in front of the other man. A man he wished he could keep saying those words to, all the ones that felt so good when he thought of them, but couldn’t be his reality. Not without condemning both North and Connor to what he’d fought to prevent for so long.
“North, you were right about one thing. There’s no way of knowing what will happen tomorrow—”
“Did I say that?”
“You said a lot of things.” Tate frowned up at North. “Fuck, what I’m trying to say is…maybe I don’t deserve this, but shit was…bad. Really bad, okay? And I feel safe with you and I want…I want to not have every memory tainted with him. Not have…” Damn it, he’d been trying to distract North, but the truth was fucking painful. His throat tightened. “Not have every touch bring him back.”
There was a sheen in North’s eyes that broke his heart, even as North forced out a laugh and pulled him onto the bed in a smooth motion, simply by lifting him up and leaning back. He flipped them both so he was laying over Tate.
“I don’t imagine you being on the floor on your knees helps.” North’s lips covered his, parting slightly as he sucked on Tate’s bottom lip, then his tongue. His kisses always brought Tate beyond everything that wasn’t them. That wasn’t the space they’d created where nothing else even mattered. Which always made North dangerous before, Tate was afraid to let go that much, but tonight there was nothing he wanted more.
And North seemed to sense that.
“He can’t have you—he never really did. You were mine the moment we danced. You were mine the first time I kissed you. When I laid down beside you in that hospital bed. Every time we snuck away after.” North kissed the edge of Tate’s lips. His cheek. Along his jaw before drawing his lips over the curve of his ear. “If I could I’d erase him, but since I can’t, I’ll go back to what we were. What we are. What we’ll always be, so long as you’ll let me be where I fucking belong.”
Wrapping his arms around North, Tate tried to fight back another wave of tears, but it was breaking him to know he couldn’t have what North was offering. He wanted it so damn bad. He’d had it once and now…
Now all he could do was pretend.
So he did.
“You can erase him, North. Even if only for a little bit.” He hated the tears spilling down his cheeks, but he was grateful that they didn’t stop North from stripping his clothes off and kissing every bit of exposed skin. “Fuck, I can’t feel him at all now.”
“No?” North smiled up at him as he slid his lips along the curve of Tate’s pelvis. “You’re making this too easy. He’s nothing. Less than nothing.”
And he knows it.
Tate hadn’t really let himself think about why Ray had wanted him so bad, why he found any pleasure in controlling him. No matter how many times Tate said the right things, Ray gave him those drugs. He was excited to find new ones that would make Tate desperate for him. He enjoyed the times he had Tate completely helpless the most.
Those drugs always made Tate sick and it took days for him to feel like himself again. For some of them he couldn’t move at all. His heart pounded in his chest and he was sure he was dying, but Ray still used him and got off when he twitched and made pleading sounds in his throat. There was no pain. No pleasure. Just the movement he could see. The dull ache in the aftermath as a cruel reminder.
North cupped his cheek. “Stay with me. We don’t have to do anything, but I need to know you’re with me and not back in his hell.”
“I’m with you.” Tate met North’s eyes, lost in the pale blue depths. “I need you. I need this. Don’t try to protect me, North. I don’t need you to protect me from you. You’re everything I wish I could have.”
“You have me, Tate.” North undid Tate’s jeans and pulled them off, dipping his head down and running his tongue up the length of Tate’s cock. He hesitated when Tate groaned. “Did he ever let you fuck him?”
Tate’s eyes widened at that. Then he laughed. “Are you for real?”
“Yeah, I am.” North smirked as he slid his lips over Tate’s dick, taking him in deep. He kept going, his lips soft, his mouth slick and wet, moving faster and faster until Tate was moaning and tugging at his hair. He looked up with a curious glint in his eyes. “You used to like being with older women. They were experienced and showed you what they wanted from you.”
“Mmm, but I also like being fucked.”
“So do I.”
That shifted Tate’s focus from North lightly stroking his dick. Their first time was always supposed to be North fucking him. He’d dreamed about it, even after he accepted he’d be stuck with Ray or whoever he was handed off to forever. He’d maintained his sanity by imagining any lingering pain was from a passionate night with North. Even as part of him just wanted to get clean, he’d managed to smile at Ray and act the way that was expected because he’d held on to that fantasy.
Truth. He had to give North some truth, no matter what. So he went still and waited for North to lift his head again.
“One day, I want that. I want you to show me how to make you feel good. But tonight…” Tate swallowed hard. “Give me this. I want you, North. I want to feel you inside me and pretend there’s never been anyone else. I wish I could’ve given you my first time, because it would’ve been special.”
North braced his hands by Tate’s shoulders and bent down to kiss him, long and slow. “I can do that.”
“Okay, good.” Tate gave North a hooded look. “I picked up some lube after I saw you with Derrick. I was gonna ask one of the guys to fuck me to get back at you. Any of them, but…my options are getting pretty limited.”
“I take it Dariel said no to you too?”
“Several times.” Tate’s cheeks heated at North’s amused look. “Hey, I think he’s fucking Kace, so you might wanna lose that smirk.”
That did it. North frowned even as he stood and grabbed Tate’s overnight bag. “Kace? Seriously?”
Rolling over, Tate braced his chin on his hand and his elbow on the bed. “Aww, you mad? Thought you could string that poor man along forever?”
Brow furrowed, North shook his head. “No, and me and Kace actually talked about that. I care about him, but I never fucked him. Just…other stuff once. And that’s not the point. Dariel will hurt him. Kace doesn’t do casual fucks.”
Not the reaction Tate had expected and now he was kinda worried too. Kace was a sweet guy and Dariel was…well, the first time he’d met Brave and Alder he’d hit on both of them. Sometimes he joked about wanting to do brothers at the same time. Bucket list shit.
He was an amazing addition to the band, but he was everything Brave had been before he’d gotten with Shiori and Malakai. North was right. He was all kinds of wrong for Kace.
But Kace was a big boy.
“He’ll be okay. Dariel’s…good at the morning after from what I’ve seen. Jesse hasn’t bitched about having to get rid of anyone. And he always did with Brave.”
“Jesse was in love with Brave.”
“Irrelevant. He’s in love with Alder now.”
“And I’m in love with you. Why are we discussing this?” North had found a condom and the lube and climbed back over Tate as he poured some into his palm. “I know you, Tate. You want this, but you’re also trying to distract me. Stop it. I’m dying inside thinking of him with his hands on you. Wondering if you can push that away long enough to see me instead.”
“I do. He’s not here. All I see is you.”
“Say that again.” North slicked his fingers over Tate, then slipped one in, holding Tate’s gaze as he thrust it in deep. “Tell me who you see. Who you feel.”
Another finger and Tate pressed his head back into the mattress, lifting his hips, groaning when North moved against him. “You. Just you.”
Withdrawing his fingers, North covered his dick with the condom, positioned himself and eased in, one hand by Tate’s head as his dick stretched him open. The thick head sunk in and Tate lifted his hips to take more. But North moved slow, so fucking slow, letting Tate feel every inch fill him until North’s balls hit his ass. He pulled Tate’s legs up to wrap around his waist and smiled against his lips.
“Hey.”
Laughing, Tate combed his fingers through North’s hair and nipped his bottom lip. Heat flooded his cheeks as their eyes met, his emotions too intense for him to find anything else to say. Which was probably why North had gone with something simple.
So he did the same. “Hey.”
Bringing their lips together, Tate lost himself in a kiss that grew more passionate as North began to drag in and out, so fucking controlled it was driving Tate out of his head, but that was so damn good. Not for a second was he given a chance to lose sight of who he was with. The scent of North, all spice and fire, the heat of him, all around him, inside him. He even tasted like North, a hint of whiskey with a bite of sweetness he couldn’t put a name to.
North let out a pleased sound as he drew out almost all the way, rising up and lifting Tate’s hips to him, holding his gaze as he began to rock into him a bit harder. He tugged his bottom lip with his teeth in a way that was so fucking sexy, Tate almost came right then.
Wrapping his hand around the base of his own dick, Tate panted as he fought back the urge. No way was he letting this end already. He’d been wanting the man for too fucking long.
“Fuck, you’re hot, Tate.” North pulled his dick out, breathing hard and tapping it against Tate’s hole in a way that made him gasp at the shock of pleasure. “Hot and tight and you looking at me like that make me want to come all over this beautiful fucking ass. Then start all over again.”
Another tap, and another, each one making Tate jerk and let out rough sounds of pleasure. North worked the head of his dick in again, latching on to Tate’s waist and pulling him onto his deep thrust. He undulated his hips as he pistoned in and out, causing his dick to stroke the perfect place inside.
Tate turned his head, grabbing the pillow and biting into it to muffle his shout. Their bodyguards likely wouldn’t mistake the sounds they were making, but no need to take any chances.
The fewer people who knew, the better.
His blood cooled at the thought. North thought this was the beginning of something and he refused to hear any different. There was no way Tate could say they’d just fucked and it didn’t mean anything.
Not when they both knew it meant everything .
But how do I keep him from hurting again when I’m gone?
He yelped when North lifted him, positioning him so he was straddling North’s slightly spread thighs. Hands on North’s shoulders, he stared at him.
Gripping Tate’s waist, North guided him up and down, kissing him, shaking his head when Tate tried to speak. “I get it, love. You don’t have to explain it to me. Not tonight. There’s only us tonight and you’re allowed to feel good and happy and safe.”
“I do.”
He really did. Which was the scariest thing of all.
As North urged him to keep moving, he was able to lose some of that fear. Then all of it as North kissed his throat and lifted him to thrust up into him harder. He clung to North, breathing through parted lips, precum smearing from the tip of his dick to North’s hard abs, which were almost giving enough friction to set him off.
Almost, but not quite. He pressed his lips to North’s shoulder, trying to cover the noises he couldn’t help make as he balanced on the edge of complete ecstasy, knowing the second he went over, he’d stop caring.
About anything.
“Stubborn.” North breathed against his ear before laying him back on the bed. He wrapped his hand around Tate’s cock and began stroking him in time to his dick driving into Tate’s ass. “Give it to me, drummer boy. I wanna fucking hear you when you come. I can do this all—”
Tate’s eyes teared as he bit back a laugh. “I guess it’s bad timing for Casper, but you’re no Captain America.”
“Punk.” North chuckled, slowing his pace and lowering his voice. “Is this what you want? Nice and quiet so your whole band doesn’t figure out I’m in here, doing my best to make sure you forget them too?”
Laughing during sex was kinda fun, Tate didn’t think he’d ever done that before. And he wanted to tease North to keep it going, but not with those he’d been with before. That was dangerous territory.
So he gave him a confused look. “Forget who?”
“Fuck, I love you.” North shook his head, bracing his hand above Tate’s shoulder as he eased out, then slid back in. “Tell me what you need, Tate. You relax until you get close and that haunted look comes back into your eyes. That won’t go away overnight, but I want to give you a break from it.”
Pressing his eyes shut, Tate shook his head. “What if you can’t? This feels amazing, but I’m afraid for anyone to hear. I’m worried that you’ll believe this changes everything. I know I’m expected to come, but—”
“What?”
Tate frowned and opened his eyes.
“You’re not expected to. Why would…” North stilled and swallowed hard. “Oh.”
Shit, this isn’t what I wanted. Not tonight. He can’t think about that. He can’t know…
“Hey.” North stroked Tate’s hair back and brushed a gentle kiss over his lips. “I want to be with you, but there are no expectations. We can be quiet. Hell, I can suck you off while you bite the pillow again. Or I can come all over you and you can go to sleep with your dick hard.” His lips quirked. “Romantic, right?”
With an exasperated half sigh, half laugh, Tate smacked North’s shoulder. “Not in the least. My dick is so hard it hurts and I want to strangle you for slowing down. But I also need it, so I’m no fucking help.”
“What feels better, Tate?” North glided in and out of him, kissing the edge of his lips. “This?”
“Mmm.” Everything felt good, but the way North’s dick hit his prostate with every pass was making it hard to continue the conversation. He licked his lips as North went back to the position where they’d began.
“Or this?”
Completely out, gradually pressing forward with North’s dick stretching the ring of muscle, then a deep thrust. He held North’s gaze as he repeated the motion, whimpering when North lifted his legs higher, urging Tate to hold his knees, thighs parted so North’s hands were free and Tate was completely exposed.
With the head of his dick pressing in, North brought both his hands to Tate’s ass, his thumbs adding pressure either side of his hole. The stimulation was different and Tate hissed in a breath as North watched him, adding to the stretch as his thumb slid in along with his dick.
“Oh fuck.” Sweat beaded on Tate’s temples and his grip on his knees slipped. “Fuck, North.”
North’s lips curved. “There we go.”
For some reason, the way North had changed everything Tate had learned to expect during sex kept his focus shifting until all he could do was feel. He went hard and fast, then slowed. Used his thumb and locked his gaze with Tate’s as he pushed it in a little deeper every time.
Suddenly it wasn’t his thumb, but a finger, curved in to stroke over his prostate as North’s dick slowly penetrated.
Close. So fucking close.
“Touch yourself. Let me see how you like it.”
Tate grabbed his own dick, jerking it hard because he needed to come. Needed it like he never thought he would again. He cried out and tears spilled down his cheeks as the first spurt hit his stomach and pleasure burst through him, blinding and electric, sizzling over his flesh, his nerves, making it hard to breathe.
He tried to hide his reaction, not wanting to ruin North’s release, but the other man lay over him, kissing him and smiling against his lips, not bothered by the cum smeared between them.
“I got you.” North held him close, wiping away his tears. “You’re fucking amazing, you know that? I love watching you come apart. It’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.”
Wrapping his hand around the back of North’s neck, Tate lifted up to whisper in his ear. “Your dick’s still hard and I kinda thought you were trying to simulate me taking two dicks.” He bore down on North, grinning when North shuddered. “Now that’s hot.”
“ Jesus. ” North curved his hands around Tate’s thighs as his hips began to move. He drove in deep, letting out a low growl with his mouth against Tate’s shoulder, setting his teeth into it as he came. Breathing hard, he carefully slid off Tate and collapsed beside him, one arm over his eyes. “You. Are. Evil.”
Tate’s lips quirked. “And you’re a kinky fuck. Is that what you want from me? To see me take two dicks at the same time?”
Not moving his arm, North shook his head. “No, Tate. I only want you.” He finally moved his arm and frowned at Tate. “After all this, you really think I want to share?”
By his reaction to the suggestion? Maybe not. But he’d gotten off to Tate bringing it up. He was back to being all serious though, so Tate got how the idea would bother him.
He didn’t want to press him on the issue, but hell, he was curious. “Have you ever done that?”
With a slow nod, North sighed. “Yeah, I was popular at parties. I’ve been in a few gangbangs too. And your pillow talk sucks.”
“Sorry.” Tate rolled over and rested his head on his arms, wincing at the slight ache in his ass. The feeling wasn’t entirely new, but the cause for it was different. No one—including Ray— had ever fucked him for this long. “Would it help if I said your experience definitely isn’t a bad thing?”
North’s brow rose. “How so?”
“I’ve always been drunk or high during sex. Even with women. This is the first time I got to really enjoy everything. And you made sure I did, even when there were…doubts.” He bit his bottom lip at North’s nod. “Not because of you.”
Reaching out to tuck a stray strand of dark blue hair behind Tate’s ear, North shrugged. “If it was, I’d work on it. I just want to see you happy, Tate.”
“I am.” And first the first time, he could say that and mean it. If he stayed right here, right now, everything was pretty damn perfect. “I missed you.”
Things needed to lighten up quick, because he was done with crying and the tears were coming. His heart fucking hurt when he realized there was a limit on his happiness. And no matter how hard North tried, he couldn’t change that.
Thankfully, North was good at reading him and grinned suddenly before grabbing Tate’s wrists and forcing him onto his back. He kissed him quick, then clucked his tongue. “Missed me so much you’re already thinking about another dick? And I’m the kinky one?”
“Hey, I said it was hot. Wanna go see if anyone’s free?”
“Keep it up and I’m gonna look for the closest sex shop and grab a dildo. Both dicks don’t have to be real.” He gave Tate a hard look when he laughed. “And maybe a gag.”
“Promise?”
“Yup.” North released Tate’s wrist and pushed off the bed. “Should I pick up some snacks while I’m out?”
The man had to be joking. This might be LA, but all the sex shops must be closed, right?
He wasn’t so sure when North checked something on his phone and smirked. “Nothing? Okay, I won’t be long.”
Tate snorted as North started for the door. “Vanessa is not gonna let you leave.”
“That’s cool. She can drive me there.”
Moving fast, Tate jumped off the bed and grabbed North, shoving him back on the mattress and pinning him with his body. He brought his lips to North’s, kissing him until North stopped trying to get away and curved his hands over Tate’s ass cheeks.
Already, Tate’s erection had returned and from the hard length against his thigh, he could tell he wasn’t the only one. The talk of threesomes gave him an idea though. Wouldn’t work for tonight, but soon.
“Don’t be mad, North.” Tate hissed as North slipped two fingers into him and began teasing him with lazy thrusts. “There are so many things I want to do with you. I just thought that was something you might want too.”
North stilled, brow creasing as he studied Tate’s face. “I never considered it, but…I mean, if we found someone we were both comfortable with?” He hesitated, then let out a rough exhale. “I’m new at relationships and I’m pretty sure that’s not part of them, but this is us. And we’ll figure out how we wanna do things together.”
“Exactly.” Tate’s heart hurt, because if he was being honest, he knew he was manipulating North. If Tate really believed they could have a relationship, he wouldn’t be considering fooling around with anyone else either. But it was his only way out when reality returned for him. “This is us.”