5. Lauren
5
Lauren
“You heard me right, Lauren,” Dr. Lewis says.
Tears fill my eyes as I shake my head. Dr. Lewis’ face is now a blur, but I can still see her smile. I wipe my face as a sniffle escapes. “Please say it again.”
“You don’t have cervical cancer. Your cervix is beautiful, tubes are fine, uterus exemplary. There are no issues with your organs, either.”
A loud breath whooshes out of me. My entire body feels weightless, as if I’ll take off in a flight if I get up from this seat. I rest my elbows on the desk, breathing a thankful prayer.
Everything is A-ok.
“However…”
My head flies up so fast, I hear a snap. “However what?”
Dr. Lewis sighs. “Your anti-mullerian-hormone blood test left me quite concerned.”
She’s talking way too slow for my comfort. “Meaning?”
“The AMH levels are quite low for someone your age. In fact, the levels match a woman approaching menopause.”
I gape .
She grimaces. “I’m sorry.”
Something passes through me as I slump down in my seat. It can only be described as the energy leaving my body. “Are you telling me I can’t have kids?”
“Fortunately, that’s not what I’m saying. At least, not if you act right away. You can either try to conceive now or freeze your eggs for whenever you’re ready.”
“Oh, it’s definitely option two,” I decide right away. I don’t have a boyfriend, nor have I ever been in a serious relationship.
I haven’t even had sex.
“Well, considering you’re only twenty-six years old, that’s certainly the right choice.” She opens a drawer in her desk and pulls out a pamphlet. “This contains a walk-through of the entire egg freezing process, technically called oocyte cryopreservation. If you have any questions after reading, please don’t hesitate to call me.”
I take the pamphlet and quickly scan through it. My eyes fall on a diagram, and an instant tightness lodges in my chest.
“There are needles involved?”
“Yes, but it won’t be painful, since you’ll be sedated—”
“Sedated?” I skip through the pamphlet and sure enough, it mentions being given anesthesia prior to the IVF procedure.
“This is not general anesthesia, Lauren,” Dr. Lewis informs me calmly as I throw that pamphlet on the desk. “Many patients are still awake during the process.”
“Which means I’ll either see you using that oversized needle,” I snap, stabbing my finger at the pamphlet, “or I’ll be put under by that so-called mild sedation. Uh-uh. There must be some other way.”
Dr. Lewis rises from her seat. “Take deep breaths. You’re getting red.”
“I am breathing. ”
“No, you’re panicking.” She holds my shoulders. “Breathe. It’s going to be fine.”
I take a deep inhale then let it out. “I don’t like needles. You know that. Remember how I lost my shit during that HSG test? And that was a tiny one.” I point to the desk. “ That is huge.”
“Keep breathing.”
Another deep inhale followed by loud exhale, and I go on. “I’m terrified of being put under.”
“Listen to the words coming from my mouth, Lauren,” she enunciates slowly. “It’s a mild sedation to numb the area. Chances are, you won’t fall asleep.”
“And if I do?”
She squeezes my shoulders. “I’ll be there every step of the way.”
Her confident tone should comfort me. After all, she’s one of the best gynecologists in New York. Deep down, I know she’ll do her best to not let anything happen to me, but she’s human. All doctors are. I confirmed that the night my brother Daniel died.
It was that night when both my fears came to life.
After the heart wrenching announcement that we’d lost the calmest, most likeable human I’d ever known, I lost it in that hospital. My entire family was too overcome to grief to handle my wild reaction. Upon their request, a doctor came to sedate me. The memory of being held down and jammed with a needle still lived with me now, plain as day. I also remember the terror I experienced when that cloud of darkness approached as the sedative kicked in. I never want to endure that again.
“How about this?” Dr. Lewis releases me and reaches for the pamphlet. “Go home, read in detail, sleep on it, then decide.”
After a brief hesitation, I nod, taking it from her. “I will. ”
“Just don’t take too long. There’s no way of knowing how much time you have left. You either start planning for a family or get the procedure done. Well, that is, if you want kids.”
“I want kids.” My short-term goals include a successful career running Cain Industries, marriage, and kids. In that order.
For some reason, it feels like I’ve been losing my grip on those goals since the day started.
With a heavy heart, I bid Dr. Lewis goodbye and leave the office. Sure, things aren’t as terrible as when I arrived, and I’m glad the results aren’t worse. Yet it feels like I’m caught between a rock and hard place; freeze my eggs now or find someone to marry me. None of those options are favorable in this moment. I lock the car door and idle in the parking spot for a while, staring out the windshield.
That’s not exactly true, is it?
I’ve found someone who makes me feel everything .
Sadly, I can never express that, not to him or anyone else.
Shifting the gearstick into drive, I pull out of the parking lot. There’s a lake about a mile away from here. It was Daniel’s favorite spot when he needed some seclusion, a space to mull over things in peace. After he died, it became my favorite spot for the same reasons. I stop by a convenience store on the way for some comfort snacks to take with me.
After ten minutes, I turn off the highway and onto a narrow track. The car bounces as I navigate the bumpy surface, skillfully avoiding tiny craters that were once small potholes. A lush forest engulfs me from both sides, already giving me the sense of solitude I’m looking for.
Halfway down the pathway, I suddenly glimpse a flash of red through the trees. Peering closer, I spot a man running, his arms pumping as he flies over the leafy forest floor. There’s a sudden explosion, and he goes down. I sink my foot on the brake, gripping the steering wheel as a man dressed in a black suit appears, moving over him. The gun in his hand confirms the explosion I’d heard before. The man lying motionless leaves no doubt what’s going on.
I’m witnessing a murder.
Holy shit.
Another man joins them, also clutching a gun. I shift the gear in reverse as he points it at the figure, and as the car pulls back, I hear another explosion. My heart hammers in my chest as I shift my gaze between my rearview mirror and the windshield. The wheels crunch against the gravel. Panic dances in my chest when I see them moving through the trees, heading in my direction. I plant my foot on the gas pedal, the forest becoming a blur as I sail backward down the path. Intermittent cracks fill the air, making me whimper with fright.
Oh, God, they’re firing at me!
It’s quite a challenge driving in reverse, but through some strange miracle, I finally get to the end of the pathway unscathed. Whipping the car around, I again put my weight on the gas pedal and shoot forward. The car suddenly skids, sliding off the main road and toward a huge, half-fallen tree.