Chapter 15
I pick it up and fold it over, putting it on the nightstand. My heart is in my throat after what happened last night – because it was reckless and stupid. Outrageous behaviour.
But it was also incredible.
And I feel lighter today for it. Less worried that something’s going to go horribly wrong.
Because I’ve let go of control, completely.
And I’m beginning to wonder if it was my attempts to hold on to it so tightly that were causing problems in the first place.
It’s a relief to finally allow myself to feel… however I’m going to feel around him.
Alison is still in the back of my mind. I text her, telling her I’m sorry, again.
Asking if she’ll call me back later, at a normal time.
But I don’t have much hope of a response at this point – I’ve never seen her this angry.
Worry coils in my chest at the thought. But I have to give her space. She’ll come to me when she’s ready.
Besides, I’m still a little angry with her too.
Some of what she said might’ve had some truth in it. But it doesn’t mean it was fair. And I’ve had enough of her making judgements about how I choose to live my life.
My parents are visiting set today, which I’ve been excited about for weeks but forgot about in the chaos of what happened yesterday.
I call them to check on their progress, but get to set to find them already waiting outside the fencing where I said I’d meet them.
Looking – bless them – just how I expect I look: like they got up at 4 a.m. and have barely had any coffee yet.
‘There she is,’ my dad says, pulling me into a tight hug. I return it with interest. Despite everything else, Alison’s comment about me not visiting them lately hit home.
‘I’ve missed you guys,’ I say. ‘I’m sorry I haven’t seen you much lately.’
‘We’ve missed you too, sweetheart,’ my mum says. ‘And don’t you worry – you’ve been hard at work.’
I swallow, a flicker of guilt flaring up again about the things Alison said last night. But before I can say anything more, David rushes over.
‘Lara, my darling,’ he interjects. ‘Are you ready to head over to WHAM?’
‘Hello,’ my mum says, and David snaps his head sideways like he hadn’t realised there was anyone else here. Taking in my parents – in their hiking boots and Fair Isle knitwear, looking like they’re about to climb a mountain in the Scottish Highlands.
‘Hello,’ he says, a little confused. ‘Who are you?’ His gaze flickers to my own outfit – which, minus the boots, is pretty close to what my parents are wearing – and I see a flash of recognition pass.
‘We’re Lara’s parents,’ my dad says. ‘I’m Andrew and this is Louise.’
Before David can say anything my dad is shaking his hand vigorously, which seems to snap him out of his usual stressed-out state momentarily.
‘Oh, how wonderful to meet you,’ David says. ‘I’m so sorry – I must’ve missed the memo that you were visiting set today.’ I know someone’s going to get it in the neck later for not informing him.
‘If you’ll come with me, we’ll get you some passes.’ He clicks his fingers and another runner appears, as if out of nowhere. He directs them to take me to WHAM.
I fight a smile at how nice he’s being, even if my parents do still look a little scared. They don’t understand that, for David, who probably has a million more important things to worry about than a set visit for my family, this is pretty much superhuman levels of kindness.
‘I’ll see you guys later,’ I say, waving my parents away as they’re marched – at an impressively slower pace than David usually keeps – through the crowds.
Today we’re filming at Brompton Cemetery, a hauntingly beautiful graveyard in West London.
Arched sandstone walkways rise up on either side of us, with stairs leading to crypts down beneath them.
Up ahead, there’s a round building, an active church that holds services for funerals.
It’s a little creepy, honestly – but in a good way.
This is a particularly intense scene we’ll be filming today: one where Amelia has had a grave exhumed to search for evidence.
A chill runs down my back as I approach, the graves framed by the grey, moody sky.
The chill mingles with the anticipation I’m already feeling about seeing Avi. For the first time since last night.
Tailed by David I head to my mark, the ruffles of my dress bouncing behind me. Once I’m there, I look around to see if I can spot my parents; I find them right by the director’s chair, in deep conversation with Alessandro.
I smile despite myself. Of course they’d have found the most important person here and already charmed him. They’ve always been that way. Like Alison.
‘Lara!’ Alessandro waves me over.
I walk over towards them, holding up the folds of my dress so it doesn’t drag along the floor.
Avi isn’t here yet – he had a scene to shoot in the main lot this morning, hence his early departure.
So I’m assuming he’s on his way, a fact that should be making Alessandro tense about timings.
But he doesn’t seem to be worried about that right now.
‘I have just met your wonderful parents,’ Alessandro says. ‘Now why did you not bring them to set sooner?’
‘Oh, you’re too kind,’ my dad says dismissively. ‘But you really must try that wine I recommended – please allow me to send you a bottle.’ This is one of my dad’s pre-retirement hobbies – he’s thinking of starting a wine business in his spare time to keep himself busy once he finishes work.
‘Pah,’ Alessandro says. ‘I will not even think of it. But if you are ever in the Tuscan region, you must look me up, no? We will go to a wine tasting together.’
I almost laugh. I’ve spent the last few weeks keeping a respectful distance from Alessandro, hardly engaging in conversation with him at all beyond his directorial comments.
But my dad has met him for five minutes and is already planning a trip to a vineyard with him.
A surge of pride rises in my chest, curbed slightly by a twist of jealousy.
The same confusion as always: that my parents are so good at this. And yet somehow, I never picked it up.
‘And you, Lara,’ Alessandro says, turning to me. ‘My Amelia. Bambina mia. You will come to the wine tasting too, yes?’
I pause momentarily, surprised that he’s included me too.
‘Of course,’ I say.
‘She is a real marvel, your daughter,’ Alessandro continues, turning to my dad, and my stomach twists. ‘I am lucky to have her.’ After everything I’ve been through to get – and keep – this role, I can’t quite register that he’s saying this. It’s all I’ve wanted to hear for weeks now.
‘We feel lucky too,’ my dad says, giving me a kind look. Oh, God. I’m going to cry and ruin all my make-up.
‘Thank you,’ I say to Alessandro while reaching for my dad’s hand and squeezing it.
‘Now,’ Alessandro says, rubbing his hands together before I can get too overwhelmed. ‘Shall we make some movies?’
As I turn to head to my mark, I see him approaching across the grass.
Eyes locked on mine. In a way that can’t be too obvious because he’s publicly still, technically, dating Sienna.
Because it would be reckless to make eyes at each other right now.
But still – there’s a burning in them. A want that sets me on fire.
‘Ah, our altra estella has arrived,’ Alessandro says, interrupting my reverie. I look away, a blush creeping across my cheeks, and am suddenly incredibly grateful for the many layers of make-up I’m wearing.
‘Avi,’ I say, clearing my throat a little to hide how aware I am right now of his presence. ‘These are my parents.’
‘Oh,’ he says, looking a little surprised; I forgot I didn’t tell him they were visiting today. And a second later the surprise has gone and he is vigorously shaking their hands.
‘It’s wonderful to meet you,’ he says, and he sounds like he actually means it. I swallow. ‘I’m Avi.’
‘We know,’ my mum says, and I cringe internally. ‘I’ve seen all your films.’ Avi smiles.
‘Well, then, I can only apologise,’ he jokes. And everyone laughs. But there’s a flicker of something behind it, something I saw when we were talking about his career at the Olivier Awards – some part of him that actually means it.
But before I can analyse it further, Alessandro calls us over to set.
I say goodbye to my parents at 4 p.m., after we’ve wrapped for the day.
It was so lovely to see their faces light up as they watched us film, but it felt strange too, like two parts of my life crashing into each other.
A reminder of how much I’ve given up, for this one.
Alison’s words flickering into my mind occasionally between takes when I’d catch their eye or they’d wave at me.
They don’t mention Alison at all except to tell me to send her their love if I see her before next weekend.
I’m not sure I will, I think. It seems like she’d rather swallow live eels than see me at the moment.
But I promise anyway. This is between me and her.
They don’t need to know about it – they’d only worry.
The filming was intense, to say the least. Alessandro was happy with the chemistry, but asked for ‘a little less sexual tension when we are standing over a dismembered corpse, please’.
But I couldn’t help it – every time our eyes met, I was thinking about last night.
His body, pressed against mine. Kissing me like he couldn’t ever get enough of me.
But we didn’t get much time to talk, either between takes or once we wrapped – Alessandro was too keen to get the scene nailed before the weather shifted, so we could make the most of the grey skies.
Still, we got a take he was happy with, and Avi and I managed to arrange to meet at his hotel room later this evening while Alessandro was adjusting camera angles.