28. Ben
28
Ben
S ettling into my seat on the private plane, I pull out my phone to text Carlisle and I find two waiting texts from her already. One apologizing about our disagreement and a second one that makes me nearly groan aloud.
CARLISLE
I haven’t showered yet and I can still smell you on my body. On second thought, might not shower today so that I can enjoy you a little longer.
“Hey stranger, this seat taken?” Willa asks flirtatiously but with a teasing grin.
I put my phone down. “It is now.”
“Texting your girlfriend already, huh?” Willa collapses onto the seat and plops her large tote bag onto her lap.
“Caught me. How’d you know?”
“That naughty smile gave it away, Benji.”
“Give me a sec to finish texting and then we can talk, Pip.”
Rushing, since I feel Willa’s inquisitive eyes on me, I keep my replies brief.
I’m sorry too. Missing you already, babe.
PS don’t shower.
“Last night was fun, but I am not cut out for late night partying like I used to be,” Willa grumbles, stretching her arms above her head. “How’d Carlisle deal with it?”
Not wanting to rehash our goodbye in its entirety, I paraphrase, “Okay, but not great.”
“Trouble in paradise?” She tilts her head towards me.
“No," I disagree. "At least not anything more than what I expected given our situation. It’s as good as I can hope for, but I can’t wait for this to be over so I can get back to her.”
“Yeah, I can’t imagine what Carlisle is going through. It’s got to be a rollercoaster of emotions for her.” Willa sorts through her tote and grabs a few things from it before shoving it onto the seat across the aisle from her. “Is she jealous,” she swivels her hand between us, “from all the stories about us?”
“She is a bit,” I nod. “If the shoe were on the other foot, I couldn’t handle watching her pretend to date some other dude, so I understand her feelings.”
“Can I ask you a question?”
Like a dork, I point my finger at her like it is a gun. “Shoot.”
“Why did you agree to our arrangement if you were already seeing Carlisle?”
“Jada and Becky strongarmed me into agreeing.” Dropping my head back against the headrest, I sigh deeply. “Plus, the studio would have forced me to do it regardless, and from what Becky told me, I couldn’t say no without potentially damaging my professional reputation.” I narrow my eyes. “Especially since you agreed to it so easily.”
“Sorry,” Willa winces sheepishly.
I overheard what Willa told Carlisle, but I wonder if there's more to it. Carlisle's earlier fear that Willa may have feelings for me tumbles through my thoughts. “Why’d you agree to it?”
“I didn’t want to be difficult. Like you said, they could force us to do it anyway.” She shrugs. “Just seemed easier to go along with it than to fight it and catch flack.”
A flight attendant interrupts our conversation to ask if we want anything to drink. We both decline. I’m grateful for the interruption. When I think back to how the fauxmance started and how rocky things were with Carlisle, it dredges up lots of anxiety and fear. And that fear is already festering in my gut from our earlier argument. I’m trying so hard to prove myself to her, but I worry that it might not be enough.
“Hope it’s okay if I’m terrible company on this flight. I plan on sleeping the whole time.” Like a seasoned traveler, Willa holds up ear plugs and a cozy blanket that she removed from her carry-on bag earlier. “Cool if I use your fat shoulder as my pillow?”
“I think you mean muscular shoulder,” I kid. “But sure, knock yourself out.”
Willa pops the armrest up and snuggles into my side, dropping her head onto my shoulder. “Thanks, Benji.”
“Sweet dreams, Pipsqueak.”
More of the Captain Commander cast and studio personnel trickle onto the private plane, and I nod my hellos. As the plane prepares for take-off, my phone vibrates on the table in front of my seat, and I eagerly flip it over to read the incoming text, hoping my movements don’t jostle Willa too much as she naps.
CARLISLE
Miss you too. So much. I’m sorry again for being dramatic this morning. XOXO
Carlisle’s response eases some of the tension thrumming under my skin. I think we both underestimated how difficult this trip would be for us. It’s understandable that she was upset and stressed this morning.
Same, babe. I left you a surprise in the hotel room. Look in the closet.
To comfort her while I’m gone, I wanted to give Carlisle something meaningful to remind her of me. With Jo’s help, I purchased Carlisle a gold charm bracelet with personalized charms: a phone charm because we met on a telephone call, a movie ticket to symbolize my work as an actor, a whisk because she enjoys cooking so much, California, Mississippi, and Texas state charms, and of course, a heart charm to remind her how I feel about her. Along with the jewelry, I included a note telling her that I was leaving plenty of room on the bracelet so that we can add more charms to it as our relationship progresses. I hope that it will soothe Carlisle’s worries and remind her that I’m planning a future with her.
CARLISLE
Ah, Ben! You’re so sweet. I’ll never take it off. I love it! Thank you!
I can’t wait to show you how much I love it when you get back.
First the shower text and now this one. You’re killing me. I’m sitting on the plane with a boner now, babe.
But I’m glad you like it. I’ll call you when we land… or I might text depending on what time it is in LA.
CARLISLE
Sounds good. XOXO
XOXO back at you, babe.
Hearing how excited she is about the bracelet makes me want to do more for Carlisle. Pulling on my upper lip, I puzzle over what I can do from half a world away to reassure her. I could have more surprises delivered to her throughout the publicity tour. Hopefully those little treats will remind her that she’s in the forefront of my mind, even when separated by distance.
Tapping out a text to Jo, I ask her to arrange a few gifts for Carlisle over the course of the next two weeks: flowers, dinner from her favorite restaurant, and fancy chocolates. I have one other idea for something more personal. It’s cringey to ask Jo to help with this one, but I don’t have much choice.
One last favor. Where do you buy lingerie? And can you look through Carlisle’s laundry and tell me her sizes?
JOJO
I’m the wrong person to ask. All my lingerie is from Target. Ask Brooke.
It feels all kinds of wrong to agree to this, but yes, I’ll rummage through her clothes and get her sizes. I’m only doing this because you pay me.
While asking Brooke about lingerie makes sense, I’m hesitant to text my stylist. Only a select few know about Carlisle and her importance in my life. But since I don’t know the first thing about clothing, especially women’s lingerie, I don’t see another option.
Hey Brooke, quick question. Where do you suggest buying lingerie?
brOOKE
La Perla or Agent Provocateur are classics. Send me sizes and I can pull some possibilities for you. LMK if you have any specific requests too - i.e. color, style, material, etc.
God bless Brooke. She responds quickly, asks no questions, and only provides answers. Life would be so much simpler if everyone could be like Brooke.
Thanks. I’ll have Jo get in touch with you to coordinate the details.
Thumbing over to my exchange with Jo, I shoot her a text.
Jo, contact Brooke with Carlisle’s sizes for the lingerie. Just to be on the safe side, don’t tell her who the lingerie is for though.
JOJO
Obviously .
Smirking, I think of one last text to send to Jo just to toy with her.
Pick out whatever styles you think I’ll enjoy peeling off Carlisle the most.
JOJO
Ugh, seriously??! I need a freaking pay raise and my eyeballs bleached after reading that text.
I feel like I’ve accomplished something. Well, two things actually. Annoying Jo and spoiling Carlisle. With a smile on my face, I switch my phone to airplane mode and recline my seat to get comfortable.
Willa’s quiet, even breathing tells me that she’s already asleep. This eleven-and-a-half-hour flight may afford me the longest stretch of sleep I can get in the next few days, so I pop a melatonin and take full advantage of the opportunity to rest.
A red carpet premiere is an intensely coordinated event with lots of moving parts, any of which can break down and cause issues and delays. Experienced staffers work diligently to choreograph every detail to make them run as smoothly as possible, but there’s always a certain degree of unpredictability. To combat this, my agent has assigned a handler, James, to shadow Willa and me for the duration of the press tour. James will get us where we need to be, when we need to be there, and for however long we need to be there.
James is basically a well-paid babysitter .
This evening is our London premiere. The streets immediately surrounding Leicester Square are blocked off, and enormous white tents have been erected to form a long tunnel. It’s inside these tents that we meet with the media to conduct short interviews and have our photos taken in front of the step-and-repeat. Outside the tents, thousands of fans are lined up, chanting and cheering, and pressing up against the metal barricades. Willa and I are allotted exactly eight minutes to shake hands and smile for photos with fans before James corrals us into the tunnel to begin our round of press interviews.
Inside, James leads us to the first reporter and discreetly points out the placard behind her cameraman which identifies the reporter’s name and news outlet, and murmurs, “This is Marsha Baldwin from BBC 1. Ben, she last interviewed you two years ago when Eye of the Beholder was released.”
As actors, Willa and I have been interviewed by countless journalists and it’s difficult to keep track of all of them. Luckily, it’s part of James’ job duties to do that for us.
While the cameraman sets up, Willa surprises me when she reaches up and gently swipes my bottom lip with her thumb. Leaning into me, she whispers loudly with a saucy smile, “You had a little lipstick there.” Then speaking to the reporter, Willa jokes, “Don’t want to get that on camera!”
Good lord, Willa is good at bringing this farce to life.
“Ladies and gentlemen, we’re joined by the stars of Captain Commander , Ben Sutton and Willa Radford! So good to see you both tonight,” Marsha begins cheerfully, aiming her microphone in our direction.
“Wonderful to see you again, Marsha,” I smile, standing next to Willa with my hand pressed against her back .
“As much as I’d love to learn more about your experiences filming Captain Commander , our fans are positively clamoring to know what’s going on between the two of you,” the reporter blithely grins. “Are the rumors true? Are you two dating?”
When the paparazzi photos of us hit the internet, the gossip and speculation became relentless, which is exactly what the studio wanted when they manufactured our relationship. Rather than confirming it, our publicist has remained mum. Becky’s refusal to confirm nor deny it has only served to heighten the fervor.
Returning the reporter’s smile, Willa slides her fingers across her mouth, zipping her lips. But then she moves in closer to me, plastering herself to my side.
“We’re good friends, Marsha,” I respond with a tight smile.
“ Very good friends, by the looks of it.” When the reporter’s eyebrows rise in coy disbelief, I can tell that Marsha is buying what Willa and I are selling. “Did you meet on the set of the film?”
“No. We’ve known each other for several years; however, this was the first time we had the opportunity to work together.” Shooting me a cheeky wink, Willa adds, “But hopefully, not the last.”
She slides her arm from my waist, trailing her hand down my arm to interlock our fingers. Then Willa steps slightly in front of me, bringing our joined hands to rest against her abdomen and she leans back, rubbing her ass against me.
The intimacy of her touches sets off a myriad of confusing feelings. These subtle movements unfold so naturally between us. They speak to a level of comfort that authenticates and legitimizes our relationship to the casual observer. It scares me how good Willa is at portraying our affair as a genuine romantic relationship.
I told Carlisle that Willa and my arranged relationship was merely an extension of our acting roles, but it’s more complicated than that. When we’re acting on set, especially when we’re filming sex scenes, we have a script to provide us the exact words to say, the noises to utter, and an intimacy coordinator who choreographs every move we make with our bodies. Where I place a hand, when Willa kisses me, how the sheet drapes over us, even down to the number of thrusts we fake. All of it is discussed, planned, and plotted out beforehand so that we feel as safe and as comfortable as possible while filming intimate scenes.
But out here, in front of the press, very little has been discussed in terms of how to portray our physical intimacy. Willa and I had media training to help us best verbally answer the expected questions about our relationship, but we haven’t explicitly outlined our boundaries regarding physical touching.
Which is something that I now realize needs to be addressed as soon as possible.
If I’m not feeling comfortable with Willa’s touches, then Carlisle certainly won’t feel comfortable watching Willa touch me either.
After our BBC 1 interview winds down, Willa and I move to the next member of the press and repeat the process. Each news outlet seems more interested in discussing our relationship status than our movie, and with each interview, Willa plays her part to perfection. Longing glances. Flirty banter. Loving caresses.
As the lead actors in Captain Commander , Willa and I are the last to arrive at the premiere, so as soon as we finish our interviews, we’re whisked into the auditorium for the screening. After the movie is finished, the cast members stand through the rolling of the credits as the attendees applaud. It’s always a heady rush of excitement when the months of hard work filming a movie culminates in this moment.
As we make our way toward the reception, I tug Willa into a quiet alcove, eager to discuss our physical boundaries .
“I think it went well tonight, don’t you, love?” she asks in a chipper tone. Smiling up at me, she places a hand on my chest and slides her other hand around to the back of my neck to play with my hair. Before my brain realizes what she’s about to do, Willa rises onto her tiptoes and brushes her lips against mine.
I step back, stunned at her overt affection. Hardly anyone is around us. All the attendees had their phones confiscated for security reasons and the majority of the press has left, so there’s no reason for her to continue with our charade. A flash of hurt crosses her features before she composes herself and drops her hands to her sides.
“About tonight,” I start. “I’d like to discuss our physical boundaries, how we should act when we’re in public. I need to be able to tell Carlisle what to expect. This situation is painful for her, and I want to be as respectful to her as I possible.”
“Benji, Carlisle is a big girl, and this is the big time.” The derision in Willa’s tone takes me aback. Her nostrils flare and her lips are pinched. “The studio has hundreds of millions of dollars at stake. We have to sell this thing between us.”
“I know, Willa.” Retreating another step, I hiss, “Look, you don’t need to lay it on so thick. Especially now when no one is around.”
“There’s always someone watching, and if you believe otherwise, then you’re being painfully naive.” Hurt, anger, and disdain swirl together to make Willa’s voice almost unrecognizable. “Do you honestly believe that just because there aren’t cameras pointed at us that people aren’t watching and taking notes, Benji?”
Running my hand through my hair, I clench my jaw in frustration. “I’ll see you in there.” Willa wraps her hand around my wrist, attempting to stop me, but I shake her off and stalk to the bar. I need a fucking drink.
How did that conversation spiral out of control so quickly ?
Luckily, I’m not required to stay at the after party for long, so it’s easy enough to keep my distance from Willa until I can catch one of the limos back to the hotel. I’m just shucking off my jacket and rolling up my shirt sleeves when I hear a soft knock at the door on my bedroom door. To keep up the ruse of our relationship, the studio has booked Willa and me into a suite. We share a common living area, but we have separate bedrooms and bathrooms.
I swing open my door. “Hey, Willa.” I’m still pissed, but I’ve had time to simmer down. This is a difficult situation for both of us, not just me. “I’m sorry I lost my cool earlier.”
She hovers uncomfortably in the doorway, looking sheepish.
I gesture for Willa to enter my bedroom. She takes a seat in the chair while I drop onto the edge of the bed.
“I’m sorry too. Your comment caught me off-guard, and I reacted poorly, Benji. I’ve been getting a lot of pressure about making the showmance believable, and I thought tonight went well. I was happy about it and wanted to celebrate.”
I've been replaying our argument. “You were right to keep up the charade since we were still in public.” I sigh and roughly rub my hands down my face. “This whole idea of a PR relationship is all new to me. Hell, having a girlfriend is new too. I’m juggling a lot, and I don’t want to accidentally drop the ball and let someone down.”
“I get it.” Willa looks down at the ground, avoiding my eyes. “I’m sorry that I snapped at you. You’re right. We should talk about what we’re comfortable with doing physically when we’re in public.” She pauses. “Honestly, I trust you and I feel safe with you. I think that’s why I never thought to discuss this with you beforehand. I don’t really have any boundaries that need to be upheld, so tell me what yours are. ”
After I stalked off and left Willa at the party, I started thinking seriously about this, so I have my answer ready. “No more kissing on the mouth unless it’s absolutely necessary. I’m fine with casual touching and hugging and whatnot when we’re in front of the cameras, but when we’re not, like at the reception, it feels unnecessary and gratuitous. It should be enough if we simply stick together.”
“Okay, yep.” With one sharp nod of her head, Willa shoots me a strained smile.
“Hey, I feel like I’ve upset you. That wasn’t my intention, Willa.”
“You haven’t, I promise.” She expels a slow breath. “We’re such good friends that being with you feels natural.” She lifts one shoulder. “It’s easy to forget it’s all an act.”
A warning bell goes off in my head as I digest her words. Could Carlisle’s fear that Willa harbors romantic feelings for me be accurate? Rubbing my forehead, I ponder the complexity of that possibility.
If I was walking a fine line before, I feel like I’m walking a tightrope now. Both Carlisle and Willa are important to me, and I don’t want to inadvertently hurt either one.
We hear a knock on the outer door of our suite. “Are you expecting someone?” I ask, hoping that a fan or reporter didn’t somehow sneak past security to gain access to our floor.
“Yeah.” Unfolding her body, Willa rises from the chair and walks toward the door. “I’m meeting Thad and a couple others for a drink at the hotel bar. Any interest in joining us?”
“No, I’m staying in tonight. Jet lag is kicking my ass. Thanks though.” I follow her to the door, catching her hand as she steps into the hallway.
“Well, shit. Don’t you two look cozy?” Thad scoffs with a smirk.
Ignoring him, I pull Willa in for a brief hug, bowing my head to whisper in her ear, “Be careful with Thad. He’s bad news. ”
She tugs out of my arms and replies sarcastically, “Thanks, Dad.” One side of her mouth quirks up before she adds, “If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were jealous, Benji.”