37. Ben
37
Ben
S watting my arm, Jo perches onto the couch next to me.
“Hey, what was that for?” I grumble.
“Get up. Have you showered in the last few days? Good lord, have you even changed clothes? You stink, Sutton.” She pinches her nose between her thumb and index finger.
“Dramatic much?”
“And that facial hair you’re sporting has you looking like you belong on that old podunk TV show Duck Something-or-Other . It’s not a good look on you, Ben.”
“Stinky or not, I’m still your boss, Jo, so shove it and leave me alone.”
Grabbing the television remote, she pauses my movie. “As much as I’d love to leave your cranky ass alone, no can do, boss. Willa is going to be here in half an hour, and you can’t meet with her smelling like that.”
“What the fuck, Jo?” I bark out angrily. “I’m not seeing Willa.” I wrestle the remote from Jo’s hands and start the movie back up, ignoring Jo in hopes she’ll go away.
I do not need to see Willa, nor do I want to see her. In fact, I have gone out of my way not to see her. Hell, even thinking about Willa makes my blood pressure rise.
When Jo remains by my side, sitting quietly for several minutes as I stew, I know she’s not going to let me off the hook.
Pausing my movie, I ask petulantly, “Why would you let Willa ambush me?”
“You’ve barely spoken a single word to Willa since it all went down in Japan. You want an explanation and she’s offering to give you one.” Jo has the audacity to let out a frustrated sigh like I’m putting her out when clearly the reverse is true. “Maybe, just maybe, you’ll figure out your anger is misplaced and you’re using Willa as your scapegoat because that’s easier than facing the truth. Now go shower and shave and stop acting like a pouty asshat.”
Jo grabs the remote, turns off the TV, and then takes the remote with her when she heads back out to her pool house office.
Which is why I wind up sitting on my back patio twenty-five minutes later, showered and changed, waiting for Willa to arrive. I drew the line at shaving though. Willa can deal with my facial hair.
But thinking of my scruff only reminds me of how much Carlisle enjoyed the feel of my stubble on her inner thighs. Dragging my hands roughly down my face, I shake my head.
Damn, I have got to cleanse her from my system once and for all. If only I knew how…
Jordan is pushing the sometimes the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else theory, but so far, I’ve held out. The thought of having sex with another woman turns my stomach.
Jo must have told Willa where I’d be because Willa lets herself into the backyard through the side gate and timidly waves hello. My first thought when I see her is that she looks different. Her signature auburn hair looks darker, closer to brown now than red, and it’s longer too. She’s dressed in casual, athletic wear and her face is pale and unadorned with make-up.
I know I look different too. This whole disaster of a showmance didn’t leave either of us unscathed.
Uncomfortably, I stand, unsure how to act around Willa. After the debacle in Japan, all traces of our easygoing friendship have evaporated. Politely, I motion for her to take a seat on the sofa across from mine. It feels awkward AF between us now.
Damn it, even that stupid phrase reminds me of Carlisle.
“Thanks for agreeing to see me. I know Jo probably didn’t give you much choice in the matter, but still, thanks.” Willa appears as uneasy as I feel.
I rub my temple. I have a lingering headache that won’t go away. Not sure if it’s the result of ongoing heartache, last night’s six pack of beers, or today’s aggravation, but it’s making me irritable.
But I do want an explanation, so I reply, “You were both right to force the issue. We need to discuss this so that we can move on.”
“We do,” she agrees. Willa fiddles with the thumbhole of her long-sleeved workout top, sliding her thumb in and out before taking a deep breath. “I never wanted for any of this to happen.” She hesitates. “I haven’t been in a good headspace for the last few months. Really for the past year and a half, if I’m being honest. I’ve been dealing with some heavy stuff, and I haven’t been happy.”
Her words echo in my head. I haven’t been in a good headspace for the last few months. Really for the past year and a half.
Which would have been about the time that Willa was in the hospital. I’d always suspected that she’d been hiding something, but I didn’t ask her. I told myself that she’d open up to me if she wanted to, but honestly, I think I didn’t push her to talk to me because I didn’t have the bandwidth to deal with anything else.
Damn, I really have been a shit friend to Willa. Whatever happened to her that landed her in the hospital has caused lasting effects.
But before I can ask her more about what happened, Willa continues. “You were sweet and attentive to me when I was upset on the plane to New York for our Good Morning USA interview. You always have been, but I noticed it more because I was feeling so down. Lost and lonely. I don't know if you remember, but when we were on that plane flight, you suggested focusing on forming a solid friendship first and then seeing something more could come from that. I think that’s when I started to look at you in a new light.
"When the studio asked me if I would agree to an arranged relationship with you, I jumped at the chance. I thought, if given the right set of circumstances, you could feel the same way about me. It would be so easy to date you. You understand my world and the demands of my career better than any other guy I’ve dated, so I deluded myself into believing that fate was bringing us together. I felt like I was drowning, and I hoped that you were going to be my life preserver." The corner of her mouth quirks sadly. "But I didn’t realize that you were already seeing Carlisle.”
“Shit, Willa.” I don’t know how to respond. Willa’s confession of having feelings for me doesn’t surprise me, but the stark reality of her obvious depression does. “I’m sorry that I didn’t see your pain.”
“Don’t be. I didn’t want anyone to see my pain. I’d been masking it for so long. It’s not your fault.” I meet her eyes across the table. Hers are filled with tears, but she blinks them away quickly. “As the publicity tour went on, my feelings grew stronger even though I could see how much you missed Carlisle. It was so unhealthy and confusing to have you behave like you loved me whenever we were in public. I’d forget what a great actor you are, and I’d let myself believe the fairy tale was real between us. It felt so real. The embraces, the caresses, the shared looks… I was so happy when we were together in public, but so unhappy when the facade would come tumbling down behind closed doors, so I tried to avoid you.”
She sighs heavily. “Then in Berlin, things changed between us for the better. We started hanging out and having fun together. You said you didn’t want to talk about Carlisle, and you declined her calls when you were with me. So, stupidly, I got my hopes up. I thought that I was becoming more important to you than Carlisle.” Willa stops, her mouth twisting to one side. “The afternoon of the Tokyo premiere, I called Becky. We talked all the time. She knew all about my crush on you and she was always encouraging me. Like any good friend, she was my hype girl. As I got on the phone with her that day, hotel staff delivered a gift box to my room. Inside was lingerie that you sent me.”
My head rears back in confusion. “Lingerie? I didn’t send you lingerie.”
Willa winces and then nods. “This note accompanied the package.” She roots through her purse and tosses a card onto the coffee table.
Grabbing it, I read the typewritten note.
Counting down the hours until I can take these off you. You’re everything I never knew I wanted, but everything I need. You’re absolutely perfect for me.
I love you .
Ben
“The lingerie set was black and worked perfectly under the dress I wore that night for the premiere. The sizes were slightly off, but I just assumed that—"
“You assumed I’d picked them out for you to wear that night,” I finish for her.
My eyes bulge in horrification and disbelief. Intense feelings of self-loathing surge through my veins as I remember dictating very similar words for a card intended for Carlisle. It was supposed to be the first time I told Carlisle that I loved her.
I cradle my head in my hands. All this time I’ve been blaming Willa when it wasn’t her fault at all. It was mine. Now everything about our conversations that night make sense—thanking me for the gift, wanting to stay in to celebrate, saying that we were in love, her claim that I sent mixed signals.
“Shit.” Chagrined, I groan apologetically. “I asked my stylist to select some lingerie as a gift. My stylist must have assumed it was for you and sent to you instead of giving it to Jo to send to Carlisle.” I sink back into the couch, dumbfounded that I’d inadvertently led Willa on. With everything going on during the promo tour, I’d forgotten all about the lingerie. “I’m sorry, Willa. That was a colossal fuck up on my part, and I can understand how confusing that must have been.”
“It’s okay, Benji, but I want to explain everything that happened afterwards too.” Willa smiles ruefully. “I was on the phone with Becky when the lingerie was delivered, and I was so deliriously happy that I told her about your note and the lingerie. Becky was ecstatic and told me it was just as she had suspected all along—that you had fallen for me too. She suggested that I tell the world that we were in love in that stupid interview. ”
Stunned, I interrupt Willa. “Wait. What? Why would Becky suggest that you tell a reporter that we were in love when Becky knew that Carlisle was my girlfriend?”
“I don’t know, but she’d been telling me the whole time that she thought we belonged together.” Willa lifts one shoulder in a half-hearted shrug. “When I read her the note that accompanied the lingerie, maybe Becky assumed what I did. That your feelings for Carlisle were waning and that your feelings towards me were growing. Or maybe it just made her life easier if she didn’t have to worry about the public finding out about Carlisle, so Becky wanted it to be true.”
Willa meets my eyes with a sad smile on her lips. “Anyway, after I publicly professed that we were in love, and you recoiled, I was hurt and confused. Upon reflection, it seemed obvious that I wasn’t the intended recipient of the lingerie—or your love note. All my elation came crashing down, leaving me disappointed and depressed. When Thad offered me those drugs that night at the club, I took them without a second thought. I needed an escape from my feelings, but I’m so sorry for everything that happened that night.”
Leaning forward, with my elbows on my knees, I issue my own apology. “Willa, I’m sorry too. I wanted to get our friendship back on track, but I didn’t realize that you would misconstrue my intentions. I’m sorry that I let you down and led you on.”
“Stop, Benji. It’s not your job to police my feelings. That’s all on me, but I wanted to tell you so that you understood that I didn’t set out to intentionally blow up your relationship.”
I shoot her a pained smile. “Thank you for telling me and explaining everything. I appreciate it.”
“It was the right thing to do. If only I’d been honest with you from the beginning, we could have navigated things differently.” She shrugs. “Maybe your relationship with Carlisle would have stayed intact. Same with our friendship too.” Willa pauses. “Becky said that Carlisle broke up with you. Have you worked things out with her?”
My shoulder slump. Since I opened Pandora's box and texted Carlisle, I've periodically tried calling and texting her, but all to no avail. “No, I haven’t spoken to her since Tokyo.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, Benji.”
“Me too, but I guess we weren’t meant to be.” I raise my head, brushing my hair from my forehead, and look at Willa critically. “How are you doing now, Willa? Really.”
“I’m okay. Better than I was doing. After everything went down in Tokyo, I bit the bullet and asked for help. I’m back in therapy and trying some meds. I’m still not healed, but I’m healthier and feeling better every day.”
“I’m glad, Willa. I want you to be happy.”
“Same, Benji.” Willa smiles forlornly and stands to leave. “One last thing. I wanted to let you know that I’ve had my publicist prepare a statement regarding our mutual breakup. Assuming that’s okay with you, she'll will issue the statement tomorrow.”
“Yes, that’s fine by me.” Inclining my head, I narrow my eyes. “But I can’t believe Becky agreed to that. She’s been pushing the narrative that we’re still together. I haven’t fought her on it because without Carlisle, there’s no need for me to be single.”
Chuckling wryly, Willa shakes her head. “No, Becky definitely did not agree to it, but I have a new publicist. I feel like it’s better for me to have a publicist who isn’t a good friend. It became too convoluted when the lines blurred between my professional and personal lives.”
“Seriously?” My eyebrows raise in surprise.
"It was one of the first things my new therapist recommended. Said I need to work on setting boundaries." Willa nods. “Becky wasn’t happy to lose me as a client, but I think she understood the rationale behind my decision.”
“Good for you. What are you doing next?”
“I’m going to take an extended vacation and get out of the pressure cooker that is Hollywood.” As she speaks, a calmness comes over her face.
“How long are you going to be gone?”
“It’s up in the air. Jada is not happy, but I threatened to switch to a new agent if she didn’t agree to time off.” Rising again to leave, she says, “I really want to try to get our friendship back on track, so if it’s okay, I’d like to keep in touch sporadically while I’m away.” Shooting me a doleful smile, she adds, “Don’t worry. Whatever romantic feelings I had for you have faded. I really do just want to try to be friends.”
I stand up and give her a hug. “Keep in touch, Pipsqueak. Good for you for getting out of here too.”
I may have lost Carlisle, but after my talk with Willa, I have a sliver of hope that, given enough time, we might be able to salvage our friendship.
I guess one out of two ain’t bad.