Chapter 10 #2
Doing what I do best, I let go of his hair and change the subject. Quickly looking at my watch, I stand up. “Shall we head over to the book shop?”
A line appears between Jacob’s brows. The muscle in his jaw twitches, and I prepare myself for him to call me out on my bullshit, but it doesn't happen. He silently finishes the ice cream and wipes his hands on a napkin, then stands. There’s this uncomfortable silence between us and I fucking hate that I put it there.
He begins to head toward the nearest underground station, and I can’t take it anymore.
I slip my hand into his, giving it a small squeeze. Letting him know without words I’m sorry for fucking up the moment.
We walk into the bookstore ten minutes later, and he stops abruptly, causing me to bump into him.
I step to his side, watching as Jacob’s eyes widen in awe as he takes in the high ceilings, marbled floors, endless shelves, and round tables filled with books.
I follow closely as he takes off toward the elevators and scans the sign listing the seven different floors and each of the genres.
“What are we looking for?” I ask, pressing the call button.
“Romance.” Jacob looks up at me, his eyes beaming .
Fuck, I love seeing that twinkle in his eyes. I want to be the one to put that look on his face all the damn time.
The elevator doors open, and my hand gravitates to the small of his back as I follow him inside. He presses the button, then bounces on his toes as it ascends. His excitement is palpable, and I want to bottle it up so I can experience it again and again.
Once the elevator arrives on the fifth floor, he heads straight to the section labeled “Romance.” Shoving my hands in my pockets, I watch him from a distance as he picks up a book and flips it over to read the back, the tip of his tongue peeking out in concentration.
He closes his eyes and takes a deep inhale, a bright smile on his face. “The smell of books is up there with cake fresh out of the oven and peonies.”
“I don’t know what peonies smell like.”
His mouth drops open. “Don’t you smell the flowers in your backyard?”
I shake my head. “No. They were there when I purchased the house, and I pay a landscaper to handle the yard for me, or Mom does it.”
He looks at me like I’m insane, then shakes his head, tsk-ing under his breath. I make a mental note to smell every flower in my backyard when we get home before asking him which ones are his favorites, so I can buy some for him when we’re back home.
It’s normal for friends to buy each other flowers, right?
Propping my shoulder against the edge of a bookcase, my eyes follow him with avid curiosity as he moves around the section.
He treats each book he picks up with such care and attention, placing it gently back on the shelf before picking up another, and when he has two in his hand, I hold my hand out, offering to hold them while he continues looking.
Jacob gives my outstretched hand a quizzical look, then tilts his head. “What?”
“I’ll hold them for you.”
He looks stunned, his eyes searching mine. For what? I don’t know.
But when he places the two books in my hand, his bright smile hits me square in the chest.
“Thank you.”
“A boyfriend would hold his boyfriend’s books, no?”
“Uh…I don’t know. I’ve never had one.”
“Well, I would. I would also buy all the books my boyfriend wanted, so pick whatever you want.”
“Ethan…” he sighs affectionately.
I press my finger to his lips. “Don’t argue with me. You wanted today to be like a date, so this is my rule. You want a book? I’ll buy you the book. You want a hundred books? I’ll buy you every damn one.”
His pupils dilate, darkening under my heated stare. I feel my blood burning as I stamp down the need to take his lips here and now. Quickly dropping my hand, I take a step back to create a safe distance between us.
“So, why romance novels?” I ask, clearing my throat.
He shakes his head, like he’s trying to clear it.
“I just love love.” He shrugs. “I’ve never been in love, and while I desperately want to experience it for myself, I don’t know when or if it’ll happen.
Reading romance novels means I’m able to experience thousands of different love stories.
I’ve had my heart broken and put together again in so many beautiful ways through words on a page.
They’ve given me the chance to learn so much about myself and to escape to another world when reality becomes too much.
I know I’m always guaranteed a happily ever after with these books, so they help keep loneliness at bay. ”
His words wash over me like a bucket of ice water.
“You’re lonely?”
He laughs, but it lacks any humor. “Ethan, I’m a dreamer.
I want the fairytale and a man who will whisk me off my feet, but life decided to put me on a different path.
I haven’t had anything to offer anyone recently.
I was barely holding my head above water, so I didn’t want to drag someone else down with me. ”
“J, what are you talking about? You have a lot to offer.”
He shakes his head and turns away from me.
“I’m serious.” I grab his elbow, turning him to face me again. “You’re kind. Caring. You’re incredibly creative and ambitious, and don’t get me started on how fucking gorgeous you are.”
His teeth dig into his bottom lip as he drops his chin to his chest as he looks at the floor. I press my finger under his chin and lift his head, and that’s when I see it—a glimpse of the loneliness he keeps hidden away.
How often does he do this? Wears his feelings behind a mask and pretend everything is okay.
“It wouldn’t have been fair to bring someone into my life when I was barely surviving. Nobody deserves to be dragged under the dark cloud that was covering me. Until you saved me.”
“And is that why you’re here?” I voice the fear in my head. “Do you feel obligated to do this for me? ”
“No, not at all.” He takes a step closer, smoothing his palms up my chest, stopping on the side of my neck.
“I’m here because I want to be here, E. You could ask me to go to the other side of the world with you, and I would find a way.
Don’t you see it? You can ask me anything, and I’ll say yes.
You just have to stop being afraid to ask. ”