Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
Jacob
Gazing up at the clear night sky, I bite back a smile at how freaking lucky I am right now. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so content in my life.
I know it’s all a pipe dream, relaxing with Ethan, stealing kisses and gentle touches, because in a few days it’s going to be just a fond memory I’ll get to visit when times get hard.
But the last few days have been incredible.
I had dreamed of visiting London. It has this romantic element to it with its history and the beautiful architecture, along with the cute parks and iconic landmarks such as Buckingham Palace.
Plus, throw in the classic romance movies that were filmed there, and my little hopelessly romantic heart has been singing.
Exploring the capital with Ethan has only solidified those thoughts, but it has come with a pang of regret—but not about coming here with him.
I will never regret that. I will cherish this trip for the rest of my life, but I regret allowing my heart to do exactly what I told it not to.
I’m falling for him.
That inconvenient crush I had on him has grown exponentially since we arrived, and I know that when we get back to Chicago and this comes to an end, I’m going to be crushed.
Ethan draws lazy circles on my arm with the tips of his fingers as I lay my head on his chest. He’s just cooked us another incredible meal, and now we’re relaxing on a blanket in the backyard, watching as the summer night sky turns to dusk.
Ethan’s chest rumbles beneath my ear as he asks, “Will you tell me something nobody knows about you?”
I shift, leaning on my elbow, and grin down at him. “Are we exchanging secrets now?”
He nods, stretching his arms back so he can rest his head on his hands behind him. His biceps bulge, stretching the sleeves of his black t-shirt, and he looks at me when he probes, “What’s your biggest fear in life?”
Well, shit.
I don’t keep secrets from Alex, aside from the grief we’ve now discussed. We’ve always tried to be as open and honest as possible, but there is one thing that he doesn’t know.
One thing that has been a deep-rooted fear of mine since I was a kid.
“I’m terrified of dying alone.” My chest aches at the admission .
Unable to speak my truth while maintaining eye contact, I roll onto my back and stare up at the purple and pink hues of the sky.
“Even though I was young when they died, one of the things I always remember is how in love my parents were. My grandparents, too. I’ve been so blessed to be surrounded by so much love because I know not everyone gets that, so my biggest fear is never experiencing that for myself.
Never being someone’s favorite person. Never knowing I’m making their day better just by being there or by hearing my voice on the phone.
Never knowing the best part of their day is when they are with me.
” I swallow down the lump in my throat as my eyes sting with unshed tears.
I sometimes wonder if the fear is a result of losing my parents.
I try to find solace in the fact that they were together until the end, and watching my grandpa lose the will to live, literally, when my grandma passed…
It wouldn’t have been like that if he didn’t love her with every ounce of his being. If he was able to carry on without her.
I know I’m only twenty-eight. I know I have time to find the one , but the more time I spend with Ethan, the more my heart calls for him , and the more it aches because my brain keeps reminding me that this is only temporary.
He hasn’t given me any indication that this could be anything more, and I’m almost too afraid to bring it up.
Too afraid of the inevitable rejection.
“Jacob.” Ethan’s serious tone causes me to look over at him. “You really don’t know how incredible you are, do you?”
He reaches over and cups my face with his warm hand, his thumb brushing away a tear that’s fallen down my cheek.
“You make my life better just by being in it. I don’t think you realize the power your smile has, or your positive energy.
You’re so...vibrant. Just being around you brings color to my world.
You won’t die alone, I promise you. Any guy would be a lucky motherfucker to call you theirs. ”
Even you? I want to ask.
I want to shake him and ask him why he can’t be that lucky guy, if he really means everything he's saying. But I don’t want to push. I don’t want to be like Ian, demanding things of him and ending up pushing him away.
“I try to stay positive because it’s so easy for grief to make things dull. And…what if, on the day I wear my true emotions on my sleeve, my dream man walks in, thinks I’m a miserable grump, and walks away?”
“Even grumpy, you are still the most beautiful person I know.”
Squeezing my eyes closed, I let out a shaky breath and voice my thoughts.
“And you? Why don’t you allow yourself to try?”
“Try what?”
“To love and be loved again. To take a chance. Not everyone is going to be your father, or Ian.”
He grunts. “My life is...complicated. Being with me is complicated because it would turn that person’s life upside down.
You heard what Ian said. Yeah, seeing him brought me closure, but there’s still truth in what he said.
It’s still going to be tough on whoever I date because of my schedule.
I have to stick to a strict regimen, at least until I retire and have more time.
I travel a lot, and that adds too much weight to a relationship. ”
Turning onto my side, I prop my head on my fist and take in the deep furrow of his brows behind his glasses.
“You know, when I lost my parents, I didn't know how my life would turn out, but I kept strong for Alex. I could’ve easily allowed the grief and heartbreak to consume me, but I didn’t, because I knew my parents wouldn’t have wanted that for me.
” I sit up and cross my legs. “The thing about grief is that it isn’t exclusive to the time of loss.
You learn to live with it for the rest of your life, but it also teaches you to love with no limitations.
And to love loudly, because you don't know if the person who walks out the door is ever coming back.” I sigh, chewing on the inside of my cheek.
“And heartbreak is kinda similar. Life is too short to allow people who aren’t worthy of your love to stop you from finding someone who is.
Don’t allow the ghosts of your past to define your future. ”
Dark chocolate eyes stare back at me. I want to ask him to give me a chance. That I could be the one to love him the way he deserves to be loved, that I wouldn’t give a shit about what he does for a living or his travels as long as he comes back home to me.
But he needs to be in a place to accept that love. And as long as he keeps those walls around him, I’m only going to be wasting my time.
“J—” he begins to protest, but I hold up my hand to stop him.
“Sometimes you just need that one person. Someone who can be your safety net, your sounding board. The one person who won’t give up on you, no matter how hard things get.
Someone who can hold you and tell you that they’ve got you through the good and tough times.
” I shake my head, a small smile playing on my lips.
“But you and me? We’re two wounded hearts, E.
We both know what it’s like to have loved and lost. Don’t brush off the idea of being with someone, because not everyone is Ian. ”
I’m not Ian! I want to scream. I’ve bared my soul to him in so many ways. He must feel this between us. This connection. And while I haven’t said the words out loud, he must know how I feel.
I wish he would let me in, but I can see he’s retreating behind those invisible walls.
He stares at me, his mouth slightly agape. I don’t know how much time passes as we silently stare at one another. Maybe I’ve pushed too hard. When he doesn’t say anything, my heart fractures.
Maybe Alex was right. It was foolish of me to think anything would come of this. Maybe it is just a fling to Ethan, and the feelings I thought were there are only one-sided.
Maybe I’ve read him all wrong, but there’s this part of me that is still hopeful.
Damn the Pisces dreamer trait.
Needing to change the subject before my emotions become even more obvious, I turn the tables on him.
“Will you tell me something about you that not many people know?” I ask quietly.
He remains silent. I know he’s considering not answering me because the muscle in his cheek twitches as he clenches his jaw. I’m about to tell him he doesn’t need to when he surprises me.
“I changed my last name to Parkes when I was eleven.”
“Because of your father? ”
He nods. “He’d been gone for four years, and I knew he wasn’t coming back.
It was around then that hockey started to become more serious.
My name was being mentioned as ‘one to watch’, and I didn’t want his name on the back of my jersey.
I didn’t want him to have anything to do with something that made me happy, especially if I ever made it to the pros, so for my eleventh birthday, I asked my mom if I could legally take her maiden name. ”
“Wow! How did she take it?”
“She cried,” he chuckles, his mood lifting slightly.
A wide smile breaks out on my face. I can imagine Jennifer doing just that. She’s such a wonderful mom. You can really tell that she would do anything for Ethan with how she loves him so unconditionally.
My mom would’ve gotten along so well with her. My grandma, too.
Getting to spend time with her has been really nice, but it has also made me realize how much I miss my mom and my grandma.
I can’t stop myself from imagining what it would be like if they were still alive, and this arrangement wasn’t temporary.
Would we have big family summer vacations here in England?
Barbecues in the backyard. Laughter and wine late into the night.
My heart aches at all the things I’ll never get to experience.
“But she understood why, and I told her I wanted her name on my back when I lifted the Stanley Cup, not my jackass father’s, because she would be the reason I was there, not him. So, the morning of my birthday, we went down to City Hall, and I became Ethan Parkes.”
“Has he tried to get in touch since you made the NHL? ”
“No.” He shakes his head. “I’m not on social media, and I made sure to change my number when I was drafted. The only way he could reach me would be through the team or my agent, and they know I never want to talk to him again.”
“I’m glad they support you like that. I would hate for him to come into your life and mess with your head.”
Ethan grunts and sits up. He runs a hand through his hair before taking a sip of his beer. His mouth twists slightly as he tucks his chin.
“As I got older, I knew I made the right choice because I didn’t want my kids to have his name either.”
My eyebrows raise in surprise. I wasn’t expecting that. “You want children?”
“I don’t know. Maybe?” He shrugs, lifting his head to look at me. “I don’t know if I’d make a good dad. I didn’t exactly have a great role model growing up, but I knew that if I did end up having kids at some point, I didn’t want them to have any connection to him.”
Oh, you sweet man. What are you doing to me?
“In a way, I think your childhood will make you an incredible dad because you know firsthand what not to do. You know the father you wanted to have, and you know all your mom did for you, so you’ll do right by your child. You’re not your father, Ethan.”
He grunts, shaking his head as he stands up, effectively ending the conversation.
I can see the barriers slowly coming back up the closer we get to leaving. But I don’t regret pushing. I want him to know I see him.
“I wish I could show you that you don’t have to shut me out,” I whisper to his back as he disappears inside.