Chapter 6 #2
“You are still you,” Derek said fiercely. “With or without ballet. Your body didn't betray you, Rosie. It survived something traumatic and it's still here, still working, still strong enough to dance for seven fucking hours apparently.”
“But it's broken…
“It's not broken. It's different. There's a difference.” His thumbs wiped away tears I hadn't realized were falling.
“I get it. Trust me, I get it. I look at my knee and see the scar, and I hate it too.
I hate that it's weaker. I hate that I can't trust it the way I used to.
But it's still my knee. It's still getting me through games, through practices, through life. It's just doing it differently now.”
“I don't know how to accept the difference,” I whispered.
“Me neither. But maybe we can figure it out together.” He pressed his forehead to mine. “No more seven-hour dance sessions, okay? Not because you can't, but because you shouldn't have to punish yourself for something that wasn't your fault.”
“It feels like my fault. Like if I'd just been stronger, more careful…”
“No.” His voice was firm. “We're not doing that. You don't blame me for getting injured, do you?”
“Of course not. That asshole deliberately…”
“Exactly. It wasn't my fault. And your injury wasn't yours either. Sometimes bodies just... break. That doesn't make them any less worthy. It doesn't make you any less worthy.”
I wanted to believe him. I wanted to look in the mirror and see strength instead of failure.
“Can you try something for me?” Derek asked.
“What?”
“Can you try being as kind to yourself as you are to me?” He smiled softly. “Because the way you look at me, the way you talk to me about my recovery. Like I'm still whole, still capable, still Derek...that's how I see you. I just wish you could see yourself that way too.”
My throat closed up completely. No one had ever said anything like that to me. Not my parents, not my teachers, not even Aaron.
“I don't know how,” I admitted.
“Then let me show you.” Derek pulled me into his chest, his arms wrapping around me securely. “Every day, I'm going to remind you that you're more than your injury. More than ballet. More than any one thing. Until you believe it.”
“That might take a while.”
“Good thing I'm not going anywhere.”
I buried my face in his chest and let myself cry, for the career I'd lost, for the body I resented, for the girl I used to be. And Derek held me through all of it, his heartbeat steady against my ear, his hands gentle in my hair.
For the first time in two years, I didn't feel quite so alone in my grief.
“You've been spending a lot of time with Derek lately,” Daisy mentioned in passing as we were out grabbing pizza as part of our roomie date night.
It was Saturday, and we should have been at a party.
I should have been practicing flirting, but I didn't want to be where Dex was and witness him flirting with others.
“He is helping me with the whole flirting and finding a boyfriend situation, and I'm helping him in Pilates. That's all,” I shrugged, suddenly very interested in my can of Coke.
My roommate laughed. “I'm not Aaron, you don't have to bullshit me. I see the way your eyes light up when he texts.”
“We don't really text,” I replied defensively, making her laugh even more.
Because we didn't. We just talked through our playlist, which was stupid, but I couldn't explain the little dance my heart did every time he uploaded a new song. This week, I sent him a song with the lyric “You make me braver than I’d ever been,” and he immediately texted me.
Dex
Subtle.
You got the message?
Dex
Loud and clear.
I still kept blushing whenever I thought of that small exchange.
“Then whatever it is you guys do that has you blushing like that,” Daisy corrected as she enjoyed her pepperoni pizza.
I placed the piece back on my plate and glanced at her. “Do you think it's stupid that I'm crushing on him?”
“So, you are crushing on him,” she arched a challenging brow, and I threw a napkin her way.
“It's cute. I haven't seen you interested in any guys for real.
And even if it doesn't work out, you can at least move on from losing your V-card to him.
It's better if you actually like the person, and let's face it.
You haven't really found anyone else you remotely like.”
I felt my face grimace. “I don’t just want to lose my V-card; I would have done that. I want the real thing, Daisy. Plus, everyone online is disgusting, my classmates are all strange, and I just can't walk up to a random guy because I think I'm weird.”
“You're not weird,” Daisy rolled her eyes.
“You're like the most awesome person I've known here.
Seriously. You need to think that you only think you're strange, as you grew up in your ballet bubble.
But trust me, being normal is overrated.
At least you're good at something and have a personality. Most people really struggle with that.”
I didn't correct her that I’ve struggled to find who I am ever since my injury, and that I’ve realized I really didn't stand a chance of going back to dance professionally.
I still haven't faced it and picked a major.
Hell, I even skipped on most of my classes and hid out in the Pilates studio.
Guilt squeezed my core thinking about all the money my parents were wasting to give me an education.
But at least thanks to my job at the studio, I was managing to maintain myself.
“You just need to find the guy who will appreciate you for who you are. But first, you need to fall in love with yourself. Because you can't expect someone to love you if you don't love yourself,” Daisy went on, oblivious to my small mental breakdown across from her.
Letting out a long sigh, I leaned back. “I'm glad you go to therapy, so I don't have to.”
“You should.”
“I really don't believe in it. My therapy is blasting music and improvising.”
“Talking helps,” she shrugged, and I loved that for her. But if I started opening up Pandora's box of my complexes and issues, we wouldn't be fixing them, but drowning in them.
“I'm not good at that either.”
“Newsflash, you're doing it now,” she laughed, making me lift my eyes to the ceiling and chuckle.
“You're easy to talk to,” I countered. “You should be a therapist.”
“I'm way too fucked up for that,” Daisy sighed, her eyes staring at her half-eaten pizza, and I watched her appetite vanish. “Jeremy invited me on a date.”
“Oh, but Jeremy is nice,” I piped up, welcoming the change of topic. She and Jeremy shared some classes, and she talked about him a lot. I thought she had a small crush on him, but after her shitty ex, I understood she was cautious. “You said you liked him.”
“I don't think I'm ready to date,” she muttered, lowering her voice. “Going to a restaurant or a party on a date terrifies me. I wanted to offer the library instead, but that just sounds lame.”
“Do you have a project together?” I asked, and she nodded. “But then you don't want it to seem like a hangout for a project, no?”
Daisy shook her head. “We do that often. Go to the library and study. We chat, but I don't know, it would be strange to call it a date.”
“Maybe you could do coffee in Rise and Caffeinate,” I suggested.
“It's a place you go to anyway, so you could just meet up there.
It's public, not school-related, so it can't be classified as a study session.
It's better than outdoors if you don't fully trust him, and it's always full of soccer players who would beat up anyone if they hurt you. Plus, if you want, I can sit ten tables away and provide you moral support.”
Her eyes shone bright as she stared at me. “You would do that?”
“Yeah,” I chuckled. “You're my friend, I want to help you. Plus, it would be fun to double date once I find someone worth dating.”
“Ehm... Dex...” Daisy coughed into her hand, trying to be sleek, and I grimaced.
“We are just friends, not like Jeremy and you.”
Her cheeks turned pink, and I loved seeing her healing. “It's scary, but also the thought of going out with him makes me feel giddy.”
“I love that for you,” I nodded, and reaching over the table, I squeezed her hand. “You deserve to find a guy who can see how awesome you are and who treats you well.”
“We accept the love we think we deserve,” she muttered sadly, and none of the things her therapist ever said hit me as hard as that one did. My throat closed up, and suddenly my eyes burned with unshed tears. “I know my worth now.”
“I'm glad,” I whispered, feeling emotional.
It was Daisy's turn to squeeze my hand, and she rounded our table to sit next to me and hug me. “You need to let yourself be loved.”
“I don't tank my dates on purpose,” I muttered, frustrated.
Daisy arched her brow. “John never asked for a second date after you spent the whole date talking about ballet and what it did to your toenails.”
“He asked.”
“Dave was actually cute, but you took him to a soccer party and proceeded to stare at Dex.”
“I did no such thing; he was boring, and my eyes were lingering.”
“What was his name? The hookup guy? Well, he was a jerk, but that's just further proof that you could have gotten rid of your V-card if that was your main mission.”
I rolled my eyes. “It isn't.”
“And dick video guy, you were stringing him along for what felt like a week of chatting before you agreed to meet, and of course, he wanted to show you how excited he was.”
“So, we are justifying unsolicited dick videos now. Wow.” I stared at her.
“What I'm trying to say is... maybe you should act on your crush instead of trying to find a guy who would compete with Derek. You spent the whole last year crushing on him. Maybe test the waters. I think he likes you.”
“He is teaching me how to find a boyfriend. He could have volunteered to be one instead!”
Daisy chuckled. “Yeah, but he is moody and broken now. Ivy told me you're the only thing that made him smile through his recovery. I think you guys would be a great match.”
I groaned. “I'm his teammate's little sister; he doesn't see me like that.”
“And what if he does?” she challenged me.
I opened my mouth to argue when my phone pinged. We both glanced down at the lit-up screen, and my heart did a little happy dance when I read the notification.
Derek added a song titled Risk It All.
My fingers itched to reach for it and listen to it, but with Daisy staring at me with Hawke eyes, I resisted the urge. Instead, I glanced at my very satisfied and grinning roommate.
“I rest my case.”
I rolled my eyes and flipped my phone down. “I just love music.”
Daisy hummed in agreement. “Me too.”
“You love Taylor Swift.”
“She does various genres of music, so you can't say I'm not diverse,” she chuckled, making me laugh.
Daisy blasted Taylor Swift all day through our room, but I couldn't tell that I minded. I loved it, actually, and I definitely looked up some acoustic covers of her songs because her lyrics were to die for. I haven't shared any with Dex yet, but I plan to add a couple just to test the waters.
“I'm going to the bathroom,” Daisy stood, throwing me a knowing look. “Listen to the song your friend sent you. I know you're dying to.”
I hid my grin behind my bag as I pulled out my earbuds and pressed play on the song Derek added.
It was slow, melancholic, and moody at first, before it transformed into something a bit more hopeful.
The whole song felt like a flower slowly blooming.
The rhythm and the notes made me want to dance to it.
And then there was a lyric where they told a story about a guy willing to risk everything for the girl he loved.
The chorus of the song gave me goosebumps from the way the singer hit higher notes, and the desperation in his voice hit the highest. Before it slowly came down, hope took over its place.
This is amazing. It's making me swoon so hard.
I didn't have to wait long for the reply; it's like he anticipated my text despite being at a party.
Derek
You're welcome.
A smile pulled on my lips, and I didn't think twice before texting again.
Aren't you at a party?
His reply was immediate again.
Derek
It's not the same without you. No one is complaining about the shitty drinks, dick videos, and lighting up the dance floor.
I felt my cheeks ache from the grin that sat on my lips.
Awww so you miss me.
Derek
I do.
Are you drunk? Admitting you miss me is so out of character for you.
I bit into my lips as I waited for his reply. We never did this flirty banter before. There was always a healthy dose of banter between us, but never like this. I felt something shift and change since we worked together.
Derek
The only thing I can drink is the 0% Beer, which still tastes like cold piss on a good day.
And on a bad day?
Derek
I wish it were water.
A laugh bubbled out of me, and I shook my head.
Try switching up your drink; that might improve your mood.
Derek
I found something better to improve my mood.
Aw, you're making me swoon. You can stop now.
Derek
Not possible.
His last two words hit me straight to the core, and my heartbeat picked up. I was worried about reading too much into our friendly exchange. Maybe he was bored and needed a distraction.
Is this part of my training?
Three dots appeared, then disappeared a couple of times, making my anxiety peak to its all high. I was cursing myself for asking that stupid question and ruining the moment.
Derek
You're passing with flying colors.
My stomach sank, and disappointment washed over me. I scolded myself for hoping it was anything more than what it really was.
I had a great teacher.
Derek
This was all you, trust me.
“You look like someone stole your candy,” Daisy's voice dragged me out of my trance of staring at my darkened screen.
I shook my head and grimaced. “It's nothing.”
“Can I read it?” she asked, sliding back next to me. “I can offer you advice.”
“I think I can conclude I messed up,” I sighed, turning my phone towards her.
Daisy's eyes scan the text, and at first, she grinned before she frowned. “Why would you say that?”
I shrugged. “I'm stupid, that’s why.”
“Maybe you should go out with someone,” she peeped up suddenly. “Guys always want what others have, so you can show him everything you learned from someone else, and he will be jealous.”
“I'm not interested in anyone else really,” I muttered, and Daisy grinned wider.
“I knew it, I'm glad you finally admitted it.” I rolled my eyes. “Now, we can finally plot how to help you get the guy.”