6. Killian
Killian
I head over to Maddox’s dorm just as we agreed. I’m running five minutes late and texted an apology right before leaving my dorm but didn’t get a response in return.
Fuck, I hope he hasn’t forgotten—still, I’m showing up.
Athena Hall is on the other side of campus, so I take my car there.
I’ve been here before because I have some friends who stay here, and I know it’s a co-ed dorm.
Since the halls are familiar enough, I easily make my way to the third floor where Maddox’s room is, quickly realizing it’s right next to Chey’s—a girl I’ve hooked up with a few times.
Chey’s door is wide open and our eyes lock as I’m passing by.
“Kill!” she calls, getting up from her bed.
“Hello!” I’d rather not stop, but that would be impolite. She takes quick strides over to me, and I spare Maddox’s door a glance, hoping that he won’t mind waiting just a little longer.
“You meeting someone?” Chey asks.
I cock my head toward Maddox’s door. “Yes. My tutor!”
“Oh, right. I was talking to Maddox last night, and he mentioned that.”
That makes me beam. I turn toward her fully and can’t help the wide smile that takes over my face. “Maddox talked about me? Really? ”
Chey gives me a wide-eyed look. “Yeah. Why does that make you so happy?”
“Because I’ve had the biggest crush on him for months,” I say simply. No use denying it. “We’ve only just started talking, but I’m really hoping to get to know him.”
I thought that would amuse Chey, but she winces instead. She takes a slight step back and runs her hand down her mouth. Her voice low, she says, “Shit, Kill, I think Levi and I messed up.”
“What do you mean…?”
I have no clue what’s going on, but I don’t get a chance to ask because Maddox’s door swings open and he steps out of his room. Maddox quickly spots us and he gives me a flat look I can’t decipher.
“You’re late,” he murmurs.
I grin at him. “Sorry! Be right there.”
Maddox’s stare flickers over to Chey, and I don’t miss the apologetic look Chey gives me.
“Sorry. Got caught up with some stuff,” I say as Maddox leads the way inside. My jaw drops at how his room is two times bigger than mine and only has one bed. Is this what math scholars get? Damn.
He nods. “I saw. I don’t like it when people are late, though, so maybe you could have held off on the flirting.”
It takes me too long to figure out what he’s implying.
“No, it wasn’t Chey who made me late. My dad called me right before I left my room, and I couldn’t hang up on him.
” He gives me a blank look that makes me think he doesn’t believe me.
It immediately makes me put up all my defenses.
“Seriously. I wasn’t late because I was busy flirting with her. I just got here.”
Maddox shrugs a shoulder and pulls out his desk chair. He yanks the curtains wider, too, letting the morning sun brighten up the room, then plops down on the edge of his bed, which is right next to his table and desk.
“Where’s your stats book?” he asks.
I fix my eyes on him.
“I asked you to bring it.”
“Um… I forgot. Do yo u have a copy?”
His lips press into a thin line. “Yes, but it’s all scribbled on from when I took the class three years ago. Plus, I’m doing you a favor and all I asked was that you bring it.”
“Sorry,” I mumble. “It’s my bad.”
Maddox blinks at me slowly, and my gut twists. He probably thinks I’m sorely lacking in the brains department, and I wouldn’t blame him. My dad tells me as much every time we talk.
“Okay. Borrow mine.” Maddox opens his drawer and rummages through the multiple books there before pulling out the same stats book that I have. “Come on, let’s start. I’ve got a lot of things to do today and we’re already late.”
I feel like a damn kid as I sit down, watching as Maddox opens to the table of contents and scans over it. He’s so close that I can smell his shampoo, and up this close, I get a view of his adorable freckles. Not that I can appreciate them all that much right now with how much of an ass I feel.
“Sorry,” I say again. It’s only a book, and not really a big deal, but I don’t want Maddox to think I don’t appreciate this. “I get distracted when my dad calls.”
He gives me a curt nod. “It’s fine. We’ve gone through fifteen chapters in class. Which are you having problems with?”
“All of them?”
“We don’t have time to go through all of these. Which ones are you struggling with the most?”
“All of them.”
He sighs. “Killian.”
“I’m not messing with you.”
“Surely you’ve picked up at least a few things since the term started?”
“Nope.” I attempt a lighthearted laugh, but it comes out as a frustrated noise instead.
“I was actually keeping up the first week, but then we had back-to-back games, and I missed two classes, and when I came back nothing made sense anymore. Tried backtracking and studying on my own but even everything that I thought I knew was gone. Not the sharpest tool in the shed, remember? ”
“Don’t say that.” Before I can respond, he asks, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m assuming you’ve missed a fair share of classes because of hockey before… how did you pass your classes, especially the more difficult ones?”
“Athletes get a lot of leeway. We can miss classes for games, and most professors cut us some slack as long as we submit all our coursework and pass our exams. I do just enough to pass in most of my classes, but I’m horrible at shit like numbers.
” I give him a grim smile, knowing that I’m only reinforcing his disdain for jocks.
When silence follows, I peer at Maddox. He’s frowning, probably already wondering how to end this session before it’s even begun. I get it. I’m a mess.
“Okay,” Maddox says, his voice clipped. He purses his lips together and looks away. “Got it. Let’s start with the first topic.”
“Maddox.” My voice comes out weak, which is foreign even to me. “I get it if you think I’m a dumb jock. We don’t actually have to do this.”
“I don’t think you’re a dumb jock,” he mutters. It does nothing to convince me.
Maddox flips the pages, settling on a chapter that says “Introduction to Statistics.” My heart does a funny flip when he goes through the chapter, which is literally just a wall of text explaining what exactly statistics is and the basic concepts of it.
It doesn’t take us long to go through it. Then he turns to the next chapter.
I instantly panic at all the tables and graphs, even if I know they’re only the basics, but Maddox is either oblivious or indifferent to my nerves.
He pulls out a tablet from under his table and writes on it, going through the concepts at a much slower pace than Professor Wheeler usually does. He also keeps glancing at me as if to gauge how I’m doing, and asks questions now and then to make sure that I’m still understanding what’s going on.
Before I know it, thirty minutes have passed, and I’m much more at ease. Maddox writes some practice problems for me, and even if it’s nauseating that he’s watching me answer them, I actually get them right.
Honestly, I think Maddox is working magic, because I’m absorbing a lot more than I expected I would.
When Maddox goes to the next topic, though, I get a bit overwhelmed because of the overload of information.
I try to listen, but instead I absently stare at all the notes he’s made on his book—there are even cute little doodles near the corners.
I smile when I see a cartoon pancake with cute eyes and stick feet.
I’d love a pancake. Is there an IHOP near campus?
Snapping my attention back to Maddox, I realize he’s gone quiet.
Our eyes collide, and he asks, “You need a five-minute break? You’re zoning out.”
Sheepishly, I smile. “Shit. Sorry.”
Maddox shrugs. “It’s okay. You understand everything until this point, right?”
“Yes…”
“Then we’ll take a break so you can refocus.”
I can’t read his expression, and despite him patiently teaching me, I can tell that I’ve messed up somehow.
It’s as if he’s treating this as a chore and is just hoping to get it done with.
I scramble to come up with something to talk about to fill the silence, but Maddox folds a leg underneath himself and takes his phone out to check his messages.
Sitting there, I have no choice but to keep silent. I settle for taking out my own phone, feeling sorely out of my element. Behind me, I hear Maddox stifle a yawn, and I frown.
I want to get to know him.
For a while now, I’ve been wanting the universe to get me closer to Maddox like this—but clearly I’ve fucked up any chances I’ve gotten, because I’ve never met anyone so apathetic about my presence.
Yesterday, at the bowling alley, I actually thought we were getting along well.
He was a lot chattier, didn’t seem so bored and annoyed, and I swear he was having a good time.
Maybe it was an illusion, or maybe reality’s finally caught up with me, because it’s clear that the person in front of me right now has no interest in striking up anything past a tutor and tutee relationship.
One session, he had said—and he had said it with an amused look, making me believe this could have been the start of something incredible.
I guess me being late and forgetting my book, then spacing out, irritated him enough to change his tone with me. Then there was that strange interaction with Chey, which makes me wonder if anything else happened.
Maddox suddenly lifts his chin and glares at me, and a jolt of electricity courses through me. He says, flatly, “You’re staring again.”
I look away. “Sorry.” Frowning, I ask, “Chey said she talked to you last night?”
“Yeah. She was in the laundry room with a guy named Levi.”
“Right… they didn’t say anything weird, did they?”
Maddox’s posture stiffens. He studies my face, making me squirm.
“They talked about how you knew each other,” he finally says.
“I don’t actually want to talk about it, but Levi did say something interesting about how studying, for you, is just foreplay.
Said you’d text him study and chill for booty calls. ”
Oh… oh, shit. I do remember saying that, but only as a joke. It wasn’t fucking serious at all, and totally not applicable to what Maddox and I have going on right now. No wonder Chey was apologizing, especially when she found out I had a crush on Maddox.
And while I’ve never been ashamed of the casual relationships I have with other people on campus, I have the impression that Maddox isn’t into that kind of thing. My mouth opens, then closes again.
The back of my neck warms as I shoot him a wide-eyed look. “Is… is that why you seem annoyed with me today?”
He narrows his eyes at me. “I guess it’s just irritating because I take tutoring seriously and, apparently, you don’t actually care for it.”
I clear my throat. “It’s a joke between us.”
“Just leave it. It’s not like I’m tutoring you again after this. ”
“Maddox,” I murmur. “Hear me out first.” When he doesn’t say anything, I continue. “I didn’t push for you to tutor me so I can hit on you. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I like you a lot, and I’m not going to deny that, but I do actually need to learn all this so I can keep playing this season.”
Maddox stays quiet.
“What Levi said? It’s an inside joke between us.
We met because of a difficult class and we’d study together, but studying is neither of our things, so we’d end up messing around.
We used that term as a joke. You know, like Netflix and Chill ?
We started texting each other study and chill when we wanted to hang out, and—”
That’s when he raises a hand, cutting me off.
“I’m sorry, Killian.” His voice is soft but calm. “I don’t mean to be harsh, but I’m not here to learn about your hookups. Do you mind if we move on with the next chapter?”
The strained smile he gives me doesn’t help to calm my nerves.
Despite me being excited that this was finally my chance to get to know him, it’s clear it’s not going to happen now. I run a hand through my hair and sigh, ignoring the way my heart drops to my stomach.
I should be all right with that and instead actually focus on studying, but I don’t think there’s any way I’d be able to focus now—not with how tight my chest feels.
Nothing will stick and he’s got better things to do than wait for me to pull myself together.
“Actually,” I blurt out before I’m able to fully comprehend what I’m saying, “I think I’m going to go.”
“Why? We’ve got some time left. Are you bored already?”
I stay quiet.
He narrows his eyes. “I thought you said you actually were here to learn.”
“I am,” I say quickly, twisting the hem of my shirt. “But I don’t want to waste your time any more than I already have. ”
His jaw ticks. A tense moment passes, and my throat goes dry. Before I can speak up again, Maddox sighs. He shrugs and waves a hand at me. “All right. We’re done, then.”
I force a smile that even I don’t believe. “Thanks for tutoring me.”
“Okay,” he mutters. Maddox stares over my shoulder with a blank expression as he sees me out, and as soon as the door’s closed, I scream silently into my hands.
Never have I ever fucked up so badly with someone, and never have I cared this much.