13. Maddox #2
With all my other tutees, a breather means silence and doing our own thing for a while. It means checking our phones or whatnot.
I’ve long since found out that this will never be the case with Killian, and I fold my arms on the table and brace myself for what I know is going to be another one of his long-winded chats.
I’m right, because he pulls his phone out and says, “Maddox. Look at my nephews. They’re cute, right?
I drove home last night to babysit them so my brother and his wife could go out, and both of them fell asleep on my shoulder while we were watching TV.
Look, look. They’re goddamn adorable, right?
This one’s three and this one’s six. They have an older brother who’s thirteen, but he’s apparently too cool for his Uncle Kill now and locked himself in his room to play Fortnite. ”
I nod along, peering at the photos on his screen as he swipes through.
His nephews have the same dark hair he does. He shows me selfies he took with them where they’re crowded together on a couch, both his nephews leaning against him. The younger one’s mouth is open and drool’s coming down his chin, and the older one has his hand fisted in Killian’s sleeve .
“They call you Uncle Kill?” I ask.
“Yes. Their favorite Uncle Kill. It’s because I give them candy all the time and teach them hockey, though my brother said if I keep giving them sweets he’s going to start a tally and pay me back once I’ve got kids of my own.”
I’m quiet for a while, taking that in. Killian with his nephews is cute enough and gives me a fuzzy feeling, but the idea of Killian with his own future kids makes me want to scream into my hands.
It’s not enough that he’s hot, kind, and funny. It’s not enough that he volunteers to teach hockey in his free time. He’s good with children, too, and it makes that irrational part of my brain that wants to kiss him even louder. Fuck.
I decide to steer the topic away for the sake of my crumbling sanity. “Where do they live?”
“Erie. It’s where I grew up. My family’s still there.”
“Oh… what time did you get back to campus last night, then?”
“Around one a.m.?”
My mouth curls into a frown. “We didn’t have to meet up this morning if you were back so late.”
“Aw, Maddox!” he says too loudly, his shoulders lifting. The corners of his eyes crease and he lets out a laugh. Thank god the library’s empty, because we’d be getting shushed otherwise. “I’d do anything to see you! Our tutoring sessions are the highlights of my week.”
Jesus Christ.
A groan escapes me, and I drop my forehead to my arms, shutting my eyes.
I can’t do this.
I’ve never met anyone so incredibly unapologetic before.
Never have I encountered someone like Killian, who makes me feel like I’m the most perfect human being ever to grace this world.
He talks to me as if it’s impossible for me to have any faults.
I should hate it—should call him out and ask him to stop with all the bullshit.
But I can’t, because despite my brain telling me that nobody can possibly be this into me, the knots in my chest untangle anyway and a funny sensation flutters in my stomach .
“Maddox?” he asks, and a hand gently prods my side. “Are you all right?”
My voice comes out muffled against my arms. “I’m great.”
“Did I say something wrong?”
I lift my head to look at him, which turns out to be a grave mistake because all my thoughts slow down. Killian watches me with crinkled eyebrows, his mouth curling into a frown. The concern on his face—knowing that he, for some magical reason, cares that much—only makes it so much worse.
I’m acting odd. Even I know that. I’d be concerned, too, if I were faced with me. I rally to come up with a response that will make him believe that I’m fine.
“I haven’t gotten laid in months,” I blurt out.
Wait—what the fuck?
Killian’s mouth parts, and he swiftly looks around. I get it. A normal person would have looked around first to double check we were still alone and that nobody could overhear us.
“I… guess we could talk about that,” he says, his voice high. “I mean. Yeah. Sure, Maddox. Let’s talk about that.”
My shoulders shake slightly as I rub a hand over my face. “Sorry. No fucking clue why I said that.”
“It kind of sounded like it was just waiting to be said. Guess I was right when I called you pent-up, huh?” He’s gained the steadiness back in his voice, and I’m just glad that it doesn’t seem like he’s mocking me.
In true Killian fashion, nothing he ever says sounds unkind.
He teases, sometimes. He flirts and gets mischievous. But one thing he’ll never be is unkind.
And that’s a problem that my dick can’t deal with.
“It’s your fault,” I mumble.
“My fault? How’s it my fault?”
I’m being unreasonable, and I sound deranged and even I know it.
It’s frustrating, though. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this man and his flirting.
I can’t stop thinking about his huge arms and how he could throw me over his shoulder.
That he’s good with kids, kind, and so fucking genuine only makes everything even more difficult.
He makes me forget I don’t do jocks, especially those who flirt with every cute person out there. Killian makes me forget why exactly I made those rules to protect myself.
I lay my hands flat on the table and hold his stare. Leaning in so I can talk lowly enough to be heard, I hiss, “I haven’t gotten laid in months, and I was fine with that. It was whatever. But then you came along and you keep flirting with me. It’s driving me insane.”
Killian leans in, too, placing his palm down right next to mine.
His fingers almost brush mine and it takes everything in me not to pull away.
The heat in his gaze makes my skin buzz.
“Hey, Maddox. If you haven’t been paying attention, you drive me insane too.
I don’t think I’ve been subtle at all about it. ”
Fucking, fuck, fuck.
“I don’t do jocks,” I grit out, enunciating every syllable as if he hasn’t heard it a hundred times before.
“You’ve established that, but why not? It wouldn’t be the end of the world.”
Warmth creeps up my neck. We’re getting into dangerous territory. If he so much as moved his hand and touched me with the tip of his fingers, I’d fold right now. “It could be for me,” I say.
Maybe that’s the right thing to say, because Killian leans away from me a bit. His expression softens, and he studies me, nodding subtly to urge me to go on.
I remind myself to keep my voice low even if I want to scream.
“Killian, I have terrible experiences with jocks. It never ends well. I know that sounds shitty and complicated, but it is what is. Also, I could lose my job. I’m not allowed to mess around with students in classes I’m a TA for, especially students I tutor. ”
Killian stays quiet. I watch as he leans away completely, his hand coming up to adjust the collar of his shirt.
Loosening it. He must feel as frustrated as I do now, because I’m sure this conversation is way too much for ten a.m. I’m sure this isn’t what he signed up for.
It’s all too heavy for someone as fun as him .
But the word vomit has come out, and I don’t know how to hit the brakes.
“You’re really hot,” I blurt out. Oh god. I can practically hear my voice raising. “And you’re kind, charming, and you’re good with kids. I hate that all that does it for me. And you’re right, I am pent-up, and—”
“Maddox.” He puts his hand over mine, and the warmth of it makes me snap my mouth shut in a split second. “Breathe.”
I obey him. I close my eyes and let out a long exhale.
He rubs his thumb over my knuckles. “I’m sorry. I come on too strong, don’t I? I apologize.”
Oh.
Just like that, the tension leaves me. I slacken and hang my head, blinking at him.
That wasn’t the response I was expecting.
I thought my blowup would give him a rude awakening. I thought he’d be disgusted and tell me I was full of it, maybe say that this was way too much trouble for what it’s worth. Instead…
God. I kind of wish he had gone that route instead, because this only proves that he really is a good person.
“Shit,” I mumble.
He’s still rubbing my knuckles. “Did I say the wrong thing again?”
“No… unfortunately. You made it worse. Now I want to sleep with you more than ever.”
His fingers freeze over my skin and a surprised bark of laughter escapes him. Somewhere from behind the bookshelves, a girl shushes us. I guess the crowd’s finally coming in.
Eyes lit up, Killian whispers, “The mouth on you, pretty boy.”
I crack a smile. Small and tense. “What was that about not flirting?”
“Hey, it’s not easy, especially with what you said. Cut me some slack! ”
“Please be quiet!” the girl from the other side of the room yells. Both Killian and I turn our heads to her, mouths pinched together. Then we face each other and hide our laughs behind our hands.
Because we both apparently don’t know how to function, we end the tutoring session earlier than usual and head out. I’m not even sure what he’s laughing at, exactly. For my part, I’m laughing at the stupid as fuck word vomit I just let out. I’m also laughing at his incessant need to flirt.
Him? Who knows what he finds so hilarious.
We step outside, and the cold wind hits my face and wakes me up to reality. Smiling to myself, I steal a glance at Killian.
He’s already looking at me. As always.
“I mean it,” he says. “I’ll back off. Us? Only friends and nothing more, starting this very moment. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m really fucking flattered and turned on that you’re in so much distress over not sleeping with me—”
“Killian.”
He grins. “But I don’t like seeing you so distressed. Forget everything I’ve ever said about hooking up.”
For a moment, I only stare at him. This is exactly what I needed to hear, even if it makes my chest twist. Slowly, I nod at him. “Thank you.”
“But let me say this, and it’ll be the last thing I say about it.”
I feel a storm brewing. By the intensity in his eyes, I just know this is going to mess me up even more. It’s inevitable.
Killian completely turns his body toward me and the tips of his shoes bump against mine. He reaches up as if he wants to touch my face, but then suddenly drops it to his side.
Voice soft, he says, “Maybe I’m just impulsive and too simple, but all those reasons you gave? I don’t think they’re the real reasons you’re holding back.”
My eyes narrow. “What?”
“I think you’re scared,” Killian says, and my hackles rise. It’s not the first time he’s said it, but he seems much more serious this time around .
And to make matters worse, he’s right.
“So, just to be crystal clear.” He raises his hand and actually touches me this time, brushing away the hair from my eyes.
His thumb grazes my temple, and I force myself not to lean against his touch.
To ask for more. “If you do want to stop holding back and want something to happen, I’m up for it.
The ball’s completely in your court, Maddox. It always has been.”
And fuck me, because I’m not strong enough to come up with an answer to that. He doesn’t let me get away with it though, because when has he ever?
Killian holds my gaze. “You got that?”
I swallow, my lips parting, and his eyes drift down to my mouth.
“I got that,” I croak.
He smiles, all slow and gentle and real, and I know I need to run away. I need to get myself together.