26. Maddox
Maddox
H oly fuck. I need a new number. Viktor’s incessant texting and calling is ridiculous—how is he even changing numbers so often? I block him, then he texts and calls with a different one.
It’s been going on for over a week now, and while there are some days of silence where I finally hope it’s done, he goes right back at it immediately.
His texts are getting more unhinged, too. I think he’s drunk for a few of them, because they’re mostly button smashes that I don’t even understand.
I’ve tried telling Killian about what’s going on, I really have, but then I think of how he’s going to react and I simply can’t. He’d be furious, but more than that…
I’m afraid he’ll pity me.
All throughout statistics today, I was looking up restraining orders on my phone. I didn’t even realize that Wheeler was calling me until he approached my table, and behind him, Killian cocked his head at me in confusion.
“You okay, babe?” he asked me while we were having lunch in the cafeteria. “You were out of it in class, and that’s unlike you.”
“Mm, yeah. I was researching something for my thesis. ”
He accepted that half-assed answer, then proceeded to annihilate his meal, talking around a full mouth. After that, we split up—he headed to hockey practice, and I started back to my dorm.
The whole time I’m walking, there are about half a dozen different threads of thoughts going on in my head.
I think about the papers I need to grade for Wheeler, my thesis revisions, and the symposium I’m supposedly preparing for.
Then I think about Killian and if it’d help if I made him study notes for economics.
I wonder if it would be a good idea to make him some kind of study schedule? Something he could do even if we weren’t hanging out?
I smirk to myself. Nah, he’d probably whine about it for hours, and I wouldn’t hear the end of it.
Honestly, though? I thought dating someone again would detract from my job and studies, but it doesn’t. Even if I spend a lot of time thinking about him, he makes everything so much easier.
It’s probably why, when I got the email that I’ve been approved for graduate housing, I didn’t automatically confirm it. Because… now that Killian’s most likely going to have a coaching job nearby, doesn’t that mean he’ll probably need an apartment?
What if… what if we shared one?
I’m not sure how to bring it up, though. We haven’t been dating for that long.
When I step inside my building, Chey—and Levi, someone I hoped I’d never see again—are standing near the elevators. I return the nods they give me and head to my floor.
Has Killian reached the rink? He hasn’t texted me yet, and he usually does right before his practice starts.
Shit. He’s taken over my thoughts. Huffing a laugh, I scrub a hand over my face and stifle a laugh as the elevator doors open, and—
I freeze when I see Viktor leaning against my door.
What the fuck…?
He hasn’t noticed me yet. Because he’s slightly turned away from me, I can’t see his expression completely, but he seems to be staring at a group of students that are talking outside a room .
Or, he’s looking at one guy, at least. He watches a tall, blond guy with… longing? Is that longing?
And when the guy he’s staring at seems to sense that he’s being watched, he turns to Viktor—and that quickly, Viktor looks away.
He looks in my direction, and our eyes lock.
Viktor scowls and pushes himself off my door, taking quick strides toward me. I quickly glance around the hallway, searching for an escape path. Fuck. Fuck.
“Why won’t you answer my calls?” he hisses.
Is he serious? I almost laugh, but fortunately stop myself. “What do you want, Viktor?”
“To talk, dumbass! You really made me come all the way down here?”
Okay, this time I really do laugh, and he narrows his eyes at me.
“Go away,” I mumble, circling around him and heading for my room. He lets me pass, and I try not to seem surprised at that. He just stands there and watches me as I shove my key into my door.
It’s not until I step inside that I realize my mistake.
Viktor rushes toward me, and before I can slam the door on him, he pushes. Eyes widening, I stumble backward, and my bag slips from my shoulders and falls to the floor with a loud thud.
He’s already shutting the door behind him before I can even speak, using his body to block my way.
“What the hell is your problem!?” I yell.
Despite the conviction in my voice, my knees are ready to buckle. My stomach churns and I feel myself ready to throw up. I hate this. I hate that I can never seem to be anything but frightened when he’s around.
“What is your problem!?” he shouts back. “Why is Schultz telling people to stay away from me? He told his teammates he’ll beat me to a pulp if he sees me! It got people nosy, asshole!”
Killian did what?
Mouth dropping open, I take that in.
Viktor slams his palm against the door, the sound of it resounding through my room .
I jerk, taking a slight step back.
“My girlfriend won’t stop asking why Schultz would do that!
” he shouts. “His teammate brought it up with his frat president—my girlfriend’s brother.
Now he’s demanding to know why Schultz has beef with me.
Jesus. Maddox, if they… if they find out what happened in high school…
” His voice trails off, and I realize it’s laced with fear.
“What, that you picked on me?”
“No.” His voice goes soft, almost too soft to be heard.
That he kissed me, I realize. That he read the room wrong and kissed me when I didn’t want it. His fear is that that will get out.
He’s scared that it will get out that he likes men.
I pinch the bridge of my nose. “You’re the one who put your hands on me in that party, Viktor. If you didn’t make such a scene, then Killian—”
“Because I want you out! Gone! Just… shit, just having you around is dangerous for me. What’s wrong with you, anyway? What do I have to do to scare you away forever!?”
His other words fly over my head, because his delusion is so fucking exhausting at this point that I don’t have it in me to argue with him anymore.
“Please leave,” I mumble.
“Tell Schultz to back off!” he yells. “Tell him to clear the air with his goddamn teammates. That it was a joke!”
I want to run. But… he’s blocking my way. And truthfully? I can’t do this anymore. I simply can’t.
My eyes sting as I listen to Viktor continue to ramble, his face getting redder by the minute. I’ve seen these patterns before, and I know that he’s only going to get louder—and more violent.
God. I pity him so, so much. I think of the way he was looking at the blond guy out in the hallway. I think of how scared he looked back in high school, when I pushed him away and yelled at him for kissing me.
The pity I have for him might even surpass how much I fear him.
“Viktor,” I say. “You need to… you need to get over this. ”
He swivels to me. “What!?”
“It’s okay.” Holy shit, what am I even saying? I’m only going to piss him off more. But… I need to say it. I need to get it out there, once and for all. “You know it’s okay, right? You don’t have to hate yourself so much.”
Viktor stiffens, horror filling his expression. His eyes widen and his jaw drops. For a long moment, not one of us speaks, only the sound of his heavy panting resounds through the room.
“I-it’s okay,” I stammer. “Just… let’s move on.
Both of us. We don’t need to keep coming back to this.
I won’t out you. Ever. That’s what you’re scared of, right?
I swear I won’t tell anyone what actually happened that day.
I’m not sure how you’ll explain things to your girlfriend, but I promise you—I won’t say anything.
Ever. And I can’t control Killian, but I’ll ask him to stop, too.
Because… shit, Viktor. We both really, really need to put all this behind us. ”
He’s stunned to silence, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so… small.
“B-but, Viktor,” I say, my voice still weak. “If you did decide to come to terms with the truth about… who you are, I assure you that it will be all right.”
Silence.
His chest rises and falls. Viktor looks like he’s just run a marathon. He looks like he’s been underwater for a very long time and is only now coming up for air.
“It won’t be all right,” he says, his voice hoarse. “That’s great for you, Maddox. You’ve got a supportive family, but not everyone—not everyone…” Viktor lets out a loud groan and throws his head back.
Despite everything he’s done to me, my heart breaks for him. Softly, I say, “It’s okay. I swear… it’s okay.”
His mouth snaps shut, and he looks around, panic in his eyes.
It’s only us, I want to say. You’re safe.
Unfortunately, I don’t think he’s ready to believe that.
“My life’s none of your business,” he grits out, and the illusion that we were actually getting somewhere instantly dissipates. I got a glimpse of his honest, vulnerable self and it’s gone that easily. “Fix this or I’ll report you to the school.”
I huff out a surprised laugh. “R-report me for what!?”
“For fucking someone in a class you TA, for one thing.”
“What?” I gape at him.
“That’s right.” Viktor smirks. He takes a step toward me, and I’m so horrified that I don’t even remember to back away.
He trails the back of his finger against my cheek, and bile threatens to rise in my throat.
“You think I haven’t heard that you TA for Schultz’s class?
You think I didn’t know you could lose your job, and any future jobs in this university? ”
“Don’t touch me.”
His smirk widens, though he listens and lets go. I glare at him as he turns away. “Fucking fix this, nerd. Call off your attack dog.”
“Don’t call him that.”
Viktor snorts. “But that’s what he is. You finally seduced a big, strong jock to do all your bidding.”
I close my eyes and take a slow inhale. Then I meet his eyes. “Viktor, please leave.”
Please. Please. Please.
“That’s what you do, right, sissy boy?” Viktor walks around my room, rambling. God, he’s falling apart, his voice rising. “You seduce guys with that pretty face of yours, like some kind of collection. Poor Schultz, I bet he never saw it coming.”
Something snaps in me. God. Enough. Enough.
Gritting my teeth, I say, “ Poor Schultz will kill you when—and not if—he finds out about this.”
He stops in his tracks, and glares at me with so much contempt and rage.
Viktor steps for the door, and I sigh in relief. At least he’s leaving it at that, which is miraculous and unexpected, and—
“Fuck you, Maddox!” he shouts, and I freeze up once again when he strides toward my bed. He grabs my laptop. “You think you’re so high and mighty just because your life’s not as shitty as mine? Fuck you and your perfect life. I want to ruin that face—”
I watch in horror as he slams it against the wall. The screen shatters, but he doesn’t stop there. Viktor slams it again, shards of the broken screen dropping to the floor and pieces of my laptop flying everywhere. There are dents in the cheap plaster of my wall.
I can’t move.
I’m not sure how much time passes. My head throbs, and I just stand there, watching him. I watch him destroy my laptop, and his yelling becomes muffled in my head.
But then my door suddenly slams open. Chey rushes in, and I snap out of it and shoot her an alarmed look.
“Maddox!?” she says, voice all high-pitched. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to barge in, but—oh my god, Maddox, are you all right?”
She stands up straight, her hand still on my door, and her head swivels to Viktor.
“What the hell are you doing, Viktor!?” Chey shrieks. “Get out of here!”
“What’s going on?” Levi’s voice from the hallway asks, and that’s when I throw my head back and press my palms against my eyes.
This can’t be happening.
I’m not sure what happens next. It’s all a blur.
There’s more shouting, mostly from Chey, and I hear Viktor try to weasel his way out of it.
Levi yanks Viktor by the front of his shirt and pulls him out of the room, and I try to ignore how there’s a group of students hovering right outside my door.
I’m not sure what happens next. Levi and Viktor are shouting, someone else says call campus security, and—I don’t know—I don’t know what’s happening.
This is such a fucking mess.
The shouting in my room sounds further off. I think Viktor’s leaving, or maybe he’s being taken away. People are still talking, though. It’s still noisy.
Chey shuts the door and the noise turns into muffled sounds.
“Maddox,” Chey whispers. Her hand’s on my elbow.
“It was a silly disagreement,” I manage to say. Repeating words I’ve said before, I say flatly, “I’m fine. Thank you for sticking up for me, though. ”
She frowns at my laptop, or at least what remains of it. “This doesn’t look like a silly disagreement at all. Do you want to talk about it?”
“No, but thank you.”
I just want to climb into my bed and pretend this never happened.
“Do you want me to help you clean up?” she asks.
“No. It’s okay. I’ll be all right,” I murmur.
Chey gives me a hopeless look. “I know we’re not close, and I’m only the girl you share a wall with,” she says, “but if you need anyone, I’m here.”
Nodding, I thank her again.
When she leaves, I put a hand to my chest. Despite being able to put on a calm front, my heart is beating too fast.
Shit… I… I should have told Killian. I should have told him before this all happened. My habit of hiding things from the people important to me has, again, ruined my life. What was the fuck was I even thinking?
Though… What was Killian thinking, stirring the pot?
With my eyes watering up again, I shakingly pull my phone out. It’d be better if he hears it from me, so…
Me: Viktor came to my dorm. Yelled at me and broke my laptop. He didn’t hurt me though and he’s gone now. He was angry because I’ve been ignoring his texts and calls. I’m sorry. I should have told you sooner.
There. Simple and straight to the point.
As soon as I hit send, I get to my knees to clean up the mess Viktor made.