2. The Waves Of Desire
The waves of desire
Silence filled my car as I left Sweet Pea Academy.
It wasn’t anger that left me without words, it was my own guilt.
Zy was affected by our separation more than I’d realized and somewhere during Solomon and I’s split, I’d placed my son’s feelings on the back burner.
I hadn’t taken a step back and put myself in his shoes to see that I’d uprooted life as he knew it and expected him to be okay with that.
When I left Solomon six months ago, I had no clue what I was going to do.
With the help of my mom and sister I moved into a three bedroom, two bathroom rental townhome with just enough space for Zion and I.
It wasn’t what we were used to, but it was more than enough.
Paying bills was an adjustment, and after a month or so I got into the swing of being independent.
In February, I purchased a car off the lot.
It wasn’t luxury, but it was brand new and most importantly in my name.
I parked, shut the engine off, then angled my body so I could see Zion’s face. “How about you come sit up here with me kiddo?”
Zion raised his head to look me in the eyes before nodding and climbing into the passenger seat. His head was still down while he twiddled with his fingers.
“Hey,” I grabbed his hand in mine. “I’m not mad at you.”
Zy fought it for a second, but his emotions were on a high and seconds later, the tears flooded his face. “I never meant to disappoint you, Mommy.”
My heart crumbled into pieces as I wrapped him up in my arms. “I’m not disappointed, baby boy.”
“You promise?”
“I promise,” I pulled him back so he could see my face.
“I’m angry with myself for not putting your feelings first and I apologize.
I know there have been a lot of changes to your life that I haven’t talked to you about, I just sprang them on you and that’s not right.
Because of that, a lot of your emotions may feel like they don’t matter, and they do.
You’re my number one priority,” I swiped a tear from his cheek.
“I’m so sorry that you have had to go through that alone.
Mr. Denver said he’s been bullying you for a year. Why haven’t you said anything?”
Zy wiped his face with the back of his hand. “It wasn’t that deep because words are just words, Mom. Plus, it’s easier to protect you than have you worried.”
“You’re a kid, Zy. I’m the parent. You don’t have to protect me,” I stressed.
“But I do,” his voice raised. “And one day, I will be a man. Daddy always told me I have to protect you, so when Ryan said that you were going to be single forever, I had to put my hands on him!”
My head went back in offense. “How the hell that lil’ nigga know I’m single?”
“Well, you and Dad stopped coming to the PTA meetings together and Dad didn’t come to Donuts with Dad in February.
They suspected it then started spreading it around the school.
” That alone set a fire in my bones remembering that Solomon stood our son up with no explanation.
I glanced at his house then back at Zy. “But Mom, his daddy never comes to anything! Kids suck.”
“They do. He tries to hurt my baby again and he better hope his mama knows how to fight.”
Zion chuckled. “I heard his mom is a crackhead.”
“Well next time, you make sure you call his mama a crack headed hoe and say it just like that.”
“Mom!”
“Okay. Okay,” I laughed. “Seriously Zion. There’s nothing in the world that you have to hide from me.
What you have going on, I would like to know about it.
I understand you’re growing up and there may be some things you aren’t comfortable telling me anymore, but I am here.
I’m so sorry for shutting you out. You matter.
Your emotions matter. I know the separation has been hard on you, but your father and I are trying to come together for you.
A lot has changed, but my love for you never will. ”
“I know, Mom.”
I stared at him for a minute then nodded. “Okay. Thankfully you only have to spend one day in in-school suspension, and they won’t put it on your chart.”
Zy released a breath of relief. “Great. I didn’t want a record.”
I smiled. His maturity always shocked me. Most things kids didn’t give a fuck about, Zion did. “Doctor Griff worked it out. Also, Mr. Denver is going to start having conversations with you if you are comfortable with it.”
He smiled. “I would love that. He is cool.”
And fine. I thought.
Reaching over, I pinched his cheek. “Maybe you can tell him the things you’re afraid to tell me, although my feelings may be hurt, I will understand because at least you are getting it out of you.”
“Yes ma’am. I promise to tell you more.”
“I will hold you to that.” I closed my sunroof. “It’s a lot going on, so if you want to stay home with me for the summer, you can do that too.”
“Oh no. I have been looking forward to spending time with Granny and Tee Tee Jade for months. I still want to go.”
I was hoping he’d change his mind, but it was like this every time.
For the past three years, Zion would spend six weeks with my mom and sister.
He didn’t know it yet, but they would be in DC this year.
He was the only grandchild, so he was spoiled rotten.
Each summer, the three of them travel somewhere different and leave me without an invitation so I can get a break.
I didn’t necessarily need one, but during his time away Solomon and I would usually spend it together.
This summer will be different, and I wasn’t looking forward to it.
While I was having separation anxiety, he’d be having the time of his life.
I made a fake sad face making him giggle. “Well, okay. It didn’t hurt to ask. If you change your mind, let me know.”
“I won’t, but I will, mom.” He reassured.
Laughing, I grabbed my keys. “But before we get out, did you win?”
Zion’s frown literally turned upside down.
He slowly nodded. “Mama, I don’t know what came over me, but I beat him bad.
I pushed his head against the lockers and kept hitting him.
I couldn’t hear or see, but I know for sure he has big knots on him.
My knuckles still hurt,” he shook his head.
“It’s good to know I can fight, but I’d rather be a lover, Mama. ” He fanned his hand.
I was trying not to laugh, but I couldn’t hold it because he was so serious. Not only was he my best friend, but Zy was also the best secret keeper I knew. Leaning over the seat, I whispered as if we weren’t the only two in the car.
“Rumor has it, your mama ain’t ever lost a fight. Your daddy might be different, I don’t know. You will have to ask him, but you get the fighting from me and the loving from him.” Zy giggled. “Come on kid. Let’s go inside.”
We exited the car with Zion leading the way. I could see the excitement filling him as he raced up the flight of stairs toward the front door. In his head, his parents weren’t together, but we were still cordial, and I wanted to keep it that way because in reality, this shit was quite the opposite.
Solomon was not happy with the child support case.
Even I was appalled at the amounts they approved monthly.
If I didn’t want to, I didn’t have to work because that money was guaranteed and enough.
At first, I wasn’t going to file, but I can count on one hand how many times he has seen his son since we have separated.
As I started up the stairs, the door flew open, and Solomon stepped out pulling his shirt over his head before closing the door behind him. My eyes squinted.
“Dad!”
“Hey, son,” he scooped Zion up in his arms. “How’s my little man?”
“I’m a big kid, Dad and I’m—” he looked over his shoulder at me as if he was asking for permission to say anything. I nodded, folding my arms across my chest. “I’m okay. I got in trouble today at school.”
“Trouble?” His eyes flickered to me before they rolled back to Zy. “What kind of trouble?”
“I got to fighting Dad,” Zy’s head dropped. He wasn’t used to being disciplined, especially by Solomon. The only time we had to correct him was about simple shit like keeping his room clean or talking too loud on the game.
“What? Why the hell did you f?—”
“Solomon,” I warned for what would be the first and final time.
He deeply exhaled. “What happened?”
“He said something about Mom, and I lost it.”
“Your mother is grown son. She can handle her own battles!” he responded sharply. That made me jog the rest of the length of the stairs but before I could say anything, he placed Zion on his feet. “I’m sorry son. I’m just?—”
“Disappointed, I know.” Zion’s head dropped.
Solomon lowered himself into a squat, placing his hands on Zy’s shoulders. “Shocked, not disappointed. How about you go get a popsicle from the man cave while I talk to your mom?”
Solomon had yet to break the ice to Zion and while I knew Victor was in the house, my rule still stood.
He was not to be around our son until he was honest with him about their relationship.
The man cave was right downstairs after entering the home, so he wouldn’t be interacting with him at all, or at least I hoped not.
Zy looked at me and I offered him another nod.
“We won’t be long, baby. You go downstairs and come right back out. You hear me?” He nodded, before stepping into the house.
“This type of shit wasn’t happening when he was staying under my roof. What niggas have you had around my son?” Solomon hissed as soon as the door closed.
“I’an come here for that. I came here to talk about our coparenting. Our son was being bullied.”
“Bullied?” He looked at me in disgust. “And you knew this and decided to tell me today?”