5. Garden Kisses #4
“I’m sorry to hear that, J. Love is blind especially when you dive headfirst. It doesn’t come with a manual, so over ninety percent of the time, you are winging the shit.
I think the two biggest risks in your life are love and not taking any risks at all,” I listed out on two fingers.
She nodded, still looking off in the distance.
“We never know until we try sounds simple. You tried and although the shit didn’t work, that’s something to give yourself credit for especially if you learned from it,” I folded my arm behind my head to get a better view of her.
“I did. I learned to never be so fucking dependent on a man. Nobody but God should ever hold your life in the palm of their hand. I lost myself, so this season is about finding Jersei and putting myself where I always wanted to be.”
“Self-discovery is a beautiful thing,” I watched her hair blow in the much-needed wind as we rocked. “I know you told me you don’t work a traditional nine to five. Care to tell me what you do?”
Jersei looked toward the garden. “If I tell you, will you judge me?”
I shook my head slowly. “Nah. I have no room to.”
“I was doing content. Not fucking content,” she quickly explained throwing her hands up, but my expression never changed.
“It’s solo and I don’t remove my clothes.
Most of them want a video of me twerking, or a picture of my toes.
It pays a hell of a lot of money, but it’s temporary.
Half of me likes the money but the real reason is I like the feeling of being wanted, even if it’s by a stranger. ”
This entire time, her eyes weren’t on me, but once she allowed those words to slip, they landed on me. I wish she knew how much I appreciated her vulnerability.
“You’re good, mama. I’m listening to your words and your heart. Finish talking.”
She blinked, taking a deep breath. The second her lips moved, her eyes darted away from mine.
“I’ve started looking for jobs within my field.
My degrees collect dust when they don’t have to.
But as I’m learning thirty-five-year-old Jersei, I decided it’s best to take a break from content.
Finding the real me can’t happen if I’m out here doing anything,” she chuckled.
She was quiet and I allowed her some silence to process whatever else she wanted to share.
“My name is Jersei. I’m a mother, but outside of that, I don’t know who I am, Vayce,” she whispered.
Leaning up, I moved halfway to the middle of the swing and extended my arm. Jersei stared at me for a minute before moving closer. I wrapped an arm around her torso, and she laid across my chest.
“And that’s okay ‘cause you want to know who you are. People lose themselves and stay in the wilderness. You want out and you’re already making steps toward finding you.
That counts. The fact that you’re saying you don’t know means you’re already finding her.
On the days you can’t see it, I will remind you of how bright and amazing you are whether that’s once or two hundred times if that’s what you need. ”
Our eyes locked as she looked up at me. My fingers traced down her arm and wrist until they interlocked with hers. She turned her head away from me, but I gently turned it back.
“You don’t have to run from me, J,” I said, making her eyes fill with tears.
“It’s so much easier to,” she said just above a whisper.
“I get it. I was raised in a house with two women, my mother and sister. I know women desire to be chosen. I’m a man first and I know when a woman of your caliber has been an option or when she was hand-selected.
Desire starts within,” I laid a hand on her chest, feeling her heartbeat quicken.
“Whatever it is that you are looking for, find it in yourself first and everything else will be added to you.”
Jersei held my hand tighter. “Thank you for listening to me.”
“I’m here if you allow me to be.”
“I’m learning that,” she smiled. “If you don’t mind me asking, what’s your story?”
“I’m a widow,” I answered plainly.
“Oh my gosh,” she sat up a little. “I am so sorry for your loss.”
My brows dipped into a frown. “That mutha’fucka is still alive.”
She lightly shoved my shoulder, chuckling. “Then why would you say that you are a widow if your ex-wife is still on this earth?”
I shrugged. “I guess our people like to keep shit in the family. Like your ex, mine was fucking my cousin. What I thought was our rainbow child was his seed.”
Jersei made the ugliest yikes face as she looked up at me. “Damn. That’s some trifling shit. I am so sorry.”
“Don’t be. I label myself as a widow because the version of her I knew died long ago, but she was dead to me the second I found out about her infidelity.”
“Fuck. I don’t even know what to say. How long has it been since your divorce?”
“Five years. I’ve healed, but it will always be fuck her.”
“And your feelings are valid,” she nodded, cradling her face against my abs. “So where are you now that you’re free?” She flipped my question on me.
It was my turn to look out toward the garden. This was the second time this question came up today, once by my brothers and now Jersei.
“I think I’ve been on the same page for so long and I’m finally ready to turn it and start a new chapter.”
“What does that look like?” She whispered.
“Doing everything I’ve told myself not to,” I answered, reverting my eyes back to hers. “I’m ready to take a risk.”
I didn’t need to elaborate any further because what I meant was clear and we both knew it.
I leaned down, pressing a kiss against her forehead as we continued to swing.
Jersei and I laid in that position, fingers tangled together for another hour without many words spoken.
Together, we watched the sun descend and the sky morph into nighttime.
This is what I meant by adding to my peace and for a while, every wall was lowered.
With Jersei in my arms, I realized that kisses weren’t always physical.
Sometimes they were the words that filled the unmarked holes within your soul.
Jersei knocked out not too long after pulling away from her grandma’s land.
I spent the drive in silence processing our conversations.
Her address was sketched in my memory, so it didn’t take me long to get back to her place.
I looked over and her mouth was wide open.
I chuckled, took a picture, then woke her up.
“J, we're back, mama.”
“Hmm,” she groaned, turning away from me. “Can you carry me?”
I chuckled and hopped out going over to her side. She’d fallen back to sleep, so I lifted her, and she settled on my shoulder as I kicked the passenger door closed.
“I was joking,” she chuckled when we made it to the door and eased out of my arms and stretched. “Ou, shit. Thank you for today.”
“Anytime,” I scratched my beard. This shit felt like an awkward scene in a movie when you didn’t know whether to walk away or lean in for a kiss. “Look, I know I’m coming on strong as fuck, J, but it’s ‘cause I’m fucking with you. I hope I’m not creeping you out or no shit like that.”
Jersei giggled and it was the cutest shit. I started laughing too. “I don’t think you’re creepy. I think you’re…” she looked away in search of the word. “Persistent and I like that. It’s different and I’m fucking with you too.”
Her eyes flickered to my lips and back. That was all I needed.
Leaning forward, I pressed a kiss against her lips that she moaned into.
Her hand cupped my cheek and deepened it.
The saltiness of our sweat didn’t stop either of us from tracing the corners of the other’s mouth.
Our lips together mimicked magic. When she tried to pull away, I placed another kiss on her lips.
I could visibly see her melt as she took a deep breath.
“I have a cabin in Harvest Mountain. I spend my summers there. I know Zion is gone and,” I shrugged, shocking myself from how smooth the words came out. It was supposed to be me-time, but apparently my heart had other plans. “You’re more than welcome to join me. I plan to leave next week.”
Jersei smiled as she nodded. “I’ll let you know before then.”
Her answer had me regretting saying anything, but she didn’t say no so I took it. I nodded. “I enjoyed you.”
“Same,” she looked toward the door. Her leg started to bounce and when she saw me look down, she immediately stopped. “I…I needed some company today and I’m glad it was you that was at my doorstep. I’ll see you soon Mr. Vayce Denver,” she enunciated with a chuckle as she opened her door.
I smiled because she was grinning. It felt dumb but I liked it. “See you soon, J.”
Damn.