4. Julian
4
JULIAN
M y sister cares deeply about Savannah, probably more than anyone else in this entire world, but what she did to her back in her bedroom was nothing short of humiliating. If I’d known that Savannah was tucked away in the closet, I would have kept my mouth shut. Instead, I barreled ahead with my words, inadvertently making a fool out of a girl who absolutely didn’t deserve it.
I begin by offering my sincere apology. “I didn’t mean for what happened back there to happen,” I tell Savannah as I drive slowly through the tree-lined neighborhood streets, making my way back to her place. The soft glow of the streetlights casts a warm hue over the asphalt, and I want to prolong the journey, to gather my thoughts and carefully explain how I truly feel about everything that transpired. “I wanted to ask Heather if it would be alright to ask you on a date since you two have been best friends practically your whole lives, but it all went wrong. I should have anticipated that she’d be protective of you.”
Savannah sits silently in the front seat, her gaze fixed straight ahead, the faint light illuminating her profile. I can’t help but wonder what thoughts are swirling through her mind, but I know I can’t look into her eyes while I’m driving. Her silence hangs in the air, so I just keep rambling on, desperate to fill the void.
“You know, I was only eighteen when my crush on you first began.” A smile spreads across my lips, and I shake my head in disbelief at the memory. “I tried to suppress it. I had just graduated from high school and was eagerly waiting for the next academy training to open up in the fall. You came over to our house to hang out with Heather, and somehow, during that time, you’d changed in ways I couldn’t quite articulate.”
Savannah’s head tilts in my direction just slightly, so I press on, my heart racing with the weight of unspoken feelings. “I don’t know if it was because you’d just turned fourteen and were about to start high school in the fall or what, but you were different. There was a spark in your eyes that summer, a newfound confidence that made my heart ache. I walked around you on pins and needles, acutely aware of the electric tension between us, because I knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that if I got involved with you, it would be the end of my career before it even began. The stakes felt impossibly high.”
She faces forward again, the warmth of the moment slipping away. Damn it. I said the wrong thing. “I wanted to though. I kept telling myself that four years wasn’t that long to wait. I made it through high school, after all, and that’s all you had to do for it to be legal for me to ask you out. So I’ve been waiting and waiting, probably not patiently though, as I’m sure you know. The anticipation was like a slow burn, simmering beneath the surface, and each day felt like an eternity.”
I have a checkered dating history; nobody is denying that. I never set out to hurt anyone; it just happened. Either a girl wasn’t right for me, or vice versa. She’d ghost me, and I’d never hear from her again, leaving me with unanswered questions and lingering regrets. I tried not to do the same, but there are some crazy girls out there, and you don’t realize that until you’re deep in their web of drama and chaos. It’s a lesson learned the hard way, similar to what Heather’s been going through with Tobias, and it makes me grateful for the moments of clarity I’ve had.
“But this afternoon when you said you were eighteen, and then just a few minutes later when Heather asked me to take you to prom, it felt like the universe was conspiring in our favor. I may not be able to explain to my cop buddies that I’m dating a high school girl, but I could at least tell them that you’re eighteen if they ever asked. It’s a little white lie that would smooth over any awkward questions. I didn’t want to dwell on the reality of Heather still being in high school, but thankfully, that situation would only last for another few weeks. At the end of May, she’d be graduating, and I wouldn’t have to worry about the implications of our age difference anymore.
“I thought it might be really nice to take you on a date before prom, though. I wanted to share all of this with you, honestly.” Unfortunately, just as the words began to form in my mind, I found myself pulling up to Savannah’s house. A rush of frustration surged within me; I hadn’t gotten the chance to express everything that was weighing on my heart, and she hadn’t responded to any of my attempts to connect. Throughout the entire drive, she had remained stone-cold, her eyes fixed straight ahead, and her shoulder radiated an icy distance. “But then you were in that damned closet.”
I turn off the engine of my police car and shift in my seat to face Savannah, my heart racing with a mix of hope and anxiety. “I want you to know that I like you. I’ve liked you for years now. I don’t care about any of the stuff that Heather said, and I hope you don’t either. Because I promise that I won’t break your heart, Savannah. My sister would kill me if I did that,” I say, trying to lighten the mood with a chuckle, but the laughter feels strained in the heavy air between us.
This doesn’t elicit any reaction from her. Her jaw tightens into a hard line, and even though I’m looking directly at her, I still can’t decipher the emotions swirling on her face. It’s like trying to read a book with the pages torn out.
“What can I do to prove to you that I’m serious?” The desperation in my voice is unmistakable. I need her to believe me, to see that my feelings are genuine and deep. “Savannah, I?—“
“Have sex with me.”
Her bold request shocks me into an uncomfortable silence, the words hanging in the air like a thunderclap. I’ve imagined her naked for years, a forbidden fantasy that had only fueled my desire, much to my dismay given our age difference. I envisioned the tantalizing moment of slowly removing her shirt after a long, hot day spent together, the sun-kissed skin glistening as it catches the light. I dreamed about the intimacy of falling into bed with her after a sun-drenched day by the pool, laughter still echoing between us. But I never actually believed this moment would arrive. “What did you say?” I finally manage to stammer, my mind racing to catch up with the unexpected turn of our conversation.
Savannah turns to look at me, her soft, blue eyes locking onto mine with an intensity that matches the desperation in my own gaze. “Everybody fantasizes about having sex at prom. Their date will show up with a beautiful corsage, spend the night dancing under the twinkling lights, and sweep them off their feet with every spinning twirl,” she says, her voice rich with longing as she paints a vivid picture. “And then at the end of the night, he’ll take her back to a cozy hotel room or somewhere beneath the vast expanse of stars, where they’ll finally make love.”
I can’t help but recall my own experience, the memory flooding back with a bittersweet sting. My first time was at my senior prom with a girl who’d gotten drunk in the bathroom, giggling with her friends as the world spun around us. In that moment, I thought I was the luckiest guy alive, blissfully unaware of the reality ahead. In truth, we fumbled awkwardly, struggling to figure out what to do, and she spent an hour crying afterward, the evening ending in confusion and regret. We haven’t spoken since graduation, and now she’s happily married to someone else, a stark reminder of what could have been. “Are you sure?” I ask, my voice barely above a whisper, a mix of hope and uncertainty lacing my words.
She trembles as she nods her head, her eyes shimmering with a mix of vulnerability and longing. “I’ve always imagined that the person I’d have my first time with was you, Julian. I thought it was a stupid fantasy.” Her voice quivers slightly, revealing the depth of her feelings.
It’s not a stupid fantasy. I think back to my own expectations, how I had envisioned my first time would be with Chasity, a beautiful blonde with thick hips and a captivating smile that lit up the room. It was with her, but it turned out to be nothing like I had dreamed. The memory is tinged with a sense of loss and regret, and I can’t help but feel a surge of determination. I don’t want Savannah’s first time to be marred by confusion or disappointment. I want it to be special, something she can cherish. “In that case, let’s get one thing out of the way first,” I say, my voice steady and reassuring.
There’s no true first time having sex without a first kiss, a moment that sets the stage for everything that follows. I lean across the center console, my heart pounding in my chest as I cup Savannah’s cheek, feeling the warmth of her skin beneath my palm. With a short, sharp intake of breath, her lips part slightly, inviting me in. I close my eyes and press mine against hers, feeling the world around us fade away.
Fireworks explode in my mind, a dazzling display of emotions that I never expected to feel in this moment.