Chapter 38
You can hear a pin drop in the holding cell once Wes and his friends leave.
We no longer have them as a buffer; it is just us.
And boy, is it awkward. Things were more organic when we were watching the fight.
Us against them. But now there is no way to ignore the silence and space between us.
We are literally trapped into confronting what happened.
I know the floor is mine to say what I need to say.
To apologize. Especially after how horribly I have acted.
I take a deep breath, channeling the courage to admit that I was wrong.
“I’m really, really sorry, you guys.” I look up from my hands to meet their eyes.
“I don’t think I have the words to tell you both how sorry I am. For everything.”
“We’re sorry too, Soraya,” Mari says.
“We are,” Anya adds.
“It’s just that I feel like I have some explaining to do.
A lot of explaining.” I swallow. I’d almost rather be back on the street, waiting to confront Wes.
“The truth is, I’m super bummed you two are both leaving.
That I’m being left behind. That all my big dreams of going away to a prestigious school fell apart.
I know it doesn’t make sense, and it’s so embarrassing for me to even say it out loud, but Wes was kind of the only thing I had going for myself.
With you both leaving, and me stuck, at least Wes and I would be together at college, or so I thought.
It made me feel not so alone. And when his attention was on me, it felt so good.
I told myself that because I did everything I could all year long to be the perfect girl for him, it just had to work out.
So I cast literally everything else aside to make sure it did.
” I pause and take a breath. “But it doesn’t mean that it was right.
And I can’t find my happiness in a guy. No matter how hard I try to will something into happening, sometimes things are out of my control. I do realize that now.”
“I wish you would have talked to us about all this, Sora. That is a lot to keep to yourself. We never wanted to make you feel like you had to hide things from us,” Mari says.
“It’s just that we hated the way he took you for granted, and we didn’t understand why you couldn’t see how much better you deserved.
But we would support you through anything, you know that, right? ”
“I do. I never should have hidden everything that was going on. I never should have been sneaking around,” I say.
“I think I was just so unhappy with myself that hiding it was a way I didn’t have to admit it.
Plus, I haven’t exactly been open with how much I’m struggling with what comes next.
It’s almost like life is happening to everyone else, they’re all moving forward, and I’m left behind. Forgotten.”
“Sora, you have so many options. You can transfer. You can come visit us. We’ll talk every day.
You might even love it there at Armstrong.
We would never forget about you or leave you behind.
You say you’re upset because you want this big world, but you don’t realize, you do have that.
It’s all still a blank canvas in front of you,” Anya says.
“Nico said that too. I need to do better at reframing my thinking, I guess. It was just hard when I felt like I was only ever making bad decisions and being judged for it. Like I was always on the defense, like I had to dig my heels in just to prove I wasn’t an idiot.”
“I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t be open with us. I think that’s my fault—I could maybe deliver my words in a softer way,” Anya says.
“You think?” I laugh, and it’s more of a release that takes all the tension in my body out with it.
“It’s hard for me to find my warm-and-fuzzy, especially when it comes to Wes.” Anya smiles. “But I will try. I want us to be able to tell each other everything.”
“Well, I don’t think you need to worry about that anymore,” I add with a tiny chuckle.
“Polizia!” Anya calls. “Il bagno, per favore.” She stands up. “I’m sorry—I don’t mean to leave right in the middle of this. But you know I love you, Soraya. More than anything. I’ll try harder to show it.”
“I appreciate that,” I say, as the guard comes to unlock the door.
When Anya is gone, I turn to Mari, because I have a specific apology for her. “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings, Mari. If you felt like I haven’t been present the way you were hoping I’d be.”
“It’s not that,” Mari says. “I was only upset because I was so excited to make memories together, the three of us, and it seemed like that wasn’t a priority to you, but I get that there was a lot more going on.
I’m sorry for saying you couldn’t talk about Wes—that this needed to be a Wes-free vacation.
I want you to be able to come to me with your feelings, Sora, because I really do want to know them. ”
“It’s really okay. I would have been tired of me too. I have been excited to make memories with you and Anya, but I guess I was overambitious, and I did a terrible job showing it. I promise to be fully present from now on.” I wrap Mari in a hug.
“No touch!” one of the guards yells as he walks Anya back. Mari and I spring apart, not well versed on prison rules.
Anya sits back down on the bench in the holding cell. “You know, Sora, you aren’t the only one who is scared for the future. I am too. I don’t know anyone up in Boston. I don’t want to leave my mom. I don’t want to leave you guys. No one could ever compare.”
“I’m scared, too.” Mari nods. “I think that’s just what this part of life is for—being scared and doing it anyway.”
“Does any of this even matter?” I laugh, gesturing at our surroundings. “Will we be jailed for life?”
“Nah. We’ll be out of here soon.” Anya slumps against the wall, all smug.
“What? How do you know?” Mari perks up.
“Let’s just say that I called in a knight in shining armor to come save us.”
“What does that mean?” I ask.
“Nico’s on his way.”
“What! Why?” My heart starts to race.
“I thought you’d think it was a good thing?” Anya turns to me. “He speaks Italian and he knows everyone. He’ll be able to talk to them, figure out how to get us out of here.”
“It’s just that he’s the last person who wants to see me right now.” I throw my head in my hands. “So, as I’m sure you both know, I seem to have a tendency to mishandle sensitive situations.”
“You don’t say,” Anya says wryly, before clapping a hand to her mouth. “Sorry! I’m supposed to soften my delivery.”
“I’ll give you a pass on that one,” I say. “Things were less than ideal the last time we spoke. I don’t think he has any interest in bailing me out of jail—right now, or ever.”
I explain everything—the hammocks, the B and B, the tour. How close we had gotten, how badly it had all ended up. “And this was after he took care of me for over a week. I can’t even imagine asking him for anything else. It’s already been so unfair how much he’s had to do for me.”
Anya and Mari share a wide-eyed look.
“What? Why are you looking at each other all weird? You’re creeping me out.”
“Soraya. Nico is in love with you. That’s why he’s doing all those things to take care of you,” Anya explains, slowly and carefully, and I can tell it takes her some effort not to throw her hands into the air.
“He is not. That’s his job, to take care of the guests.”
“I don’t think he’s setting up hammocks and sleeping in the courtyard for anyone else, Sora. You think he’d do all of this for Jerry, the retiree from Omaha?” Mari asks.
I laugh, because the visual is outrageous.
But the truth is, Nico is so kind, maybe he would sleep outside with Jerry from Omaha.
I could almost envision them, sitting on opposite sides of a chess board, then talking about philosophy and life as they lay in their respective hammocks, gazing up at the stars.
“You guys are so confusing. Now you’re trying to get me to buy into these ‘signs’? You’ve been trying to get me to stop overanalyzing everything boys do and see things for what they actually are for the entirety of high school,” I say.
“This is different,” Anya insists. “These aren’t subtle signs that could mean something or nothing. This is a smack-you-directly-in-the-face billboard from Nico professing his undying devotion.”
“You’re wrong.” I shake my head. I had misread everything with Wes, and look where that had gotten me.
Twisting the facts to find convenient signs under every unturned stone is exactly why I’m no longer allowed to read into anything anymore.
But then I start to ruminate on every interaction I’ve ever had with Nico.
Joking with me during the fishing trip, swaying together on hammocks, sitting on the bench eating granita, our trip to the farmer’s market.
“But what about the girl at the beach? Domenica?”
“You never asked him about her?” Mari chuckles.
“He’s her Italian tutor. It’s his second job.
We met her one day when we went grocery shopping with Nico—there’s nothing going on with them, no matter how badly she may want there to be.
The day we saw them at the beach was their field trip to learn vocabulary about beach scenarios. ”
“Oh.” Nico had never told me he had a second job.
That may have been why he looked so ridiculous applying her sunscreen—patting it in, maintaining as little prolonged contact as possible.
I feel even more terrible, knowing how hard Nico had been working to bring in extra funds.
All of the kindnesses Nico has extended to me start playing on a loop in my mind.
Just when I may finally admit that there’s some truth to what Anya and Mari are saying, Nico walks into the police station.