3
Huxley
Istare at the back door long after Val has already left. I guess I’m hoping she’ll walk back in and pull me out after her, taking me from all of this noise that I’d rather be away from.
But she doesn’t. She won’t.
Because we aren’t exactly friends.
Sure, we’ve bumped into each other a few times on campus, but that doesn’t make someone your friend.
I wish it did. I wish it made me something more to her. But we’re completely different people, and I’ll never fit into her world.
Meeting her Freshman year was a blessing and a curse—an angel amongst the chaos—a light shining brightly through my darkness. But as much as I wanted to get closer to her, become her friend, become something more, I knew I could never do that.
Her light is something I won’t put out. Even though every time I’m around her I feel like I can breathe again, I won’t steal her light just because it hides my darkness.
“Hi, Huxley.”
I finally pull my eyes from the door and look down at the girl who said my name. She’s pretty, around Val’s height, but her eyes are blue, and they almost make me flinch.
“How has no one grabbed you for the night?” She traces her fingers down my arm slowly, attempting to be seductive. My body begs to tense under her touch, but I force myself to stay calm.
I shrug. “Guess I’m just lucky.” I take a drink from my water bottle as she forces a high-pitched laugh.
“You’re so funny, Huxley.”
Wasn’t a joke.
The girl touches my chest, trying to keep my attention, but I take another drink and scan the room, looking for any excuse to get away. My eyes connect with a few other people, but they all look immediately at the girl next to me and tip their drinks in my direction, telling me to have fun.
Fun.
I don’t remember the last time sex was fun.
Or if it ever really was fun.
It would be fun with Val.
Her big brown eyes staring up at me. Her beautiful smile directed towards what we were about to do. Her delicate hands touching me.
“Huxley.” My head snaps back to the girl next to me, impatience filling her eyes. “Did you hear me?”
Of course not. I was daydreaming about the girl I actually want to be with.
“Sorry. No.” I force a charming smile that makes her relax. “Tell me again.”
She steps closer to me, shoving her tits into me and not so discreetly pulling her shirt down more so they’re practically on display.
“I said, let’s go upstairs. I know a room that will be open just for us.” She bats her eyelashes in what I think is supposed to be a sexy move to intrigue me.
It doesn’t. No move any girl has used on me has intrigued me in a long time. But I know better than to say no.
Saying no makes people mad.
Saying no makes people push and shove and hurt you. So I say yes.
Always.
Because what else am I good for than a good time?
The blue-eyed girl palms my dick through my jeans, right here in the middle of the room, not caring that other people are watching.
The blue that made me flinch before now puts me in a trance. A trance that kept me complaisant for four years.
I tip my head towards the stairs, fully under her spell. “Lead the way.”
Idon’t get out of my truck after I park outside my apartment. I don’t move—I barely even breathe as I sit in the safety of this confined space.
Closing my eyes, I try my hardest to think through tonight’s events, but everything’s gone fuzzy.
I don’t drink anymore, but the dizzying effects of tonight feel the same as a buzz that will turn into the worst hangover.
It’s always like this after I sleep with someone, but I thought I was used to it.
Maybe it’s because I saw Val right before. Maybe she crept into my mind further tonight because I saw her talking to Carson. Or maybe I’ve had enough of this life, and I want her to help me stop it.
I laugh to myself, probably looking like a creep sitting alone in his car at night.
Val wouldn’t help me. The second I tell her my reasons for needing her help, she’d run. It would be too much for her.
Hell, it’s too much for me.
All these years, and I thought I was getting better at hiding the past where it was. I thought I would forget what got me here.
But how am I really supposed to forget when every night a different girl is dragging me to a bedroom and making me lose my focus on reality?
And then the nightmares come back, and I’m there again, 14 years old and so confused.
I close my eyes again, trying to picture Val, needing something good before I lose my mind.
The weak smile she gave me before she left the party fills my head, and I just know that Carson probably said some shit to her that made her upset. I wanted to go after her, see what was wrong, but I didn’t think she’d tell me.
Why would she? She probably has actual friends who can help her through her problems. Meanwhile, the closest friend that I ever had was some guy, Freshman year, who swore he’d be a senator one day; Collin, I think. I wonder where he is now?
I slowly open my eyes again, and the time on my dashboard glares at me—2:36 am.
With a deep sigh, I shove my truck door open, closing it softly behind me after I get out so the slam doesn’t alert anyone in my apartment complex.
My feet stay still, keeping me in place, not letting me go inside. Not that I want to anyway. Going inside only reminds me that I’m alone, that there’s no one there to keep me from falling apart.
Looking up, there’s only a faint glimmer of stars shining in the night sky. But there’s one that’s shining brighter, pulling me in and making me wish upon it like I actually expect it to come true.
“Give me something that will fix me. Give me something that will heal me.” I sigh. “And please let it be her.”
I blink and lose sight of the star.
“Figures,” I scoff under my breath.
For a split second, I think of getting back into my truck and driving as far away from here as possible. Going somewhere where no one knows my name, and I can start over, be someone better.
But you can’t move away from your own mind. Which is why I head into my apartment, ready to accept another restless night of trying to make the face in my nightmares turn into the girl of my dreams.