45
Huxley
Collin looks at his watch. “Damn. Only ten minutes.”
I lift my head from the back of the couch. “What?”
“I really thought you’d make it at least an hour before you started having Valentina withdrawals.”
I grab the pillow beside me and chuck it at his head. “Fuck you.”
He easily grabs the pillow and tosses it aside.
Collin’s and my friendship has been different, to say the least. Freshman year, I got roped into a conversation with him before our class together, but we weren’t friends by any means.
As the years passed, we didn’t speak that much, if at all. Not until Halloween night.
After everything that happened with Val, I needed someone to talk to. Someone who wouldn’t tell me just to fuck her and get it over with. And Collin seemed like that person.
Now, I talk to him almost every day.—when Val is in class, or I need guidance with something relating to her.
If someone had told me Freshman year that the guy boasting about being a Senator would be my only true friend outside of Val, I wouldn’t have believed them. Now I don’t know what I’d do without the guy.
Not that I’d ever tell him that.
“Seriously, man. I don’t know if it’s healthy to be this obsessed with someone.”
My head falls back onto the couch. I don’t care if I’m obsessed with her. She’s the girl of my dreams, so who the fuck cares if I’m obsessed?
“Especially since this is just a deal.”
I…I think my heart just stopped. I lift my head slowly. “A deal?”
Collin nods. “Isn’t that what you two agreed on? You’d just date until graduation, and everything that happened was just experience?”
Oh my god.
Fuck.
No.
I can’t…no—no, I’m not losing her. I can’t.
I can’t.
“You forgot, didn’t you.” He’s not questioning me, which means my internal fears are written all over my face.
How did I forget about the deal? Because you’ve finally been happy. Fuck off.
This—this can’t be happening.
I stand up and start to pace Collin’s apartment. The whole thing is way too furnished for a guy living alone. Or maybe people with money always live like this. More than one couch. A few chairs. A light fixture.
Oh my god, stop thinking about fucking furniture right now. Think about her. Think about what the fuck you’re going to do.
“Did you fall in love with her?” Collin asks, still watching me lose my mind.
“I’ve been in love with her.”
“Freshman year?” I turn to him, and he shrugs. “You walked straight up to her and introduced yourself. And I’ve never seen you do that with anyone else.”
“That’s how you knew I was in love with her? I introduced myself?”
“You also chased her down after class, you’re the only one who calls her Valentine, and you made a deal with her to be in a relationship when everyone, including you, never thought that would happen.”
I blink once, twice. “Do you think she knows?” It’d make it a hell of a lot easier if she knew.
But Collin shakes his head. “I don’t think so. Neither do her friends.”
My eyes narrow. “How do you know that?”
“Know what?”
“Her friends. How would you know if they know how I feel?”
His mouth parts, but nothing comes out. “Uh, well. Just a guess. Sort of.”
“Jesus Collin. Just tell me which one you’re fucking and get it over with.”
He stares at his hands like he’s remembering all the things he’s done with them. Which is definitely not what I want to think about.
“Birdie.”
I laugh. “Birdie? The girl who wanted to punch you in the face Freshman year and said she’d kill you on Halloween?”
He winces.
Oh my god.
“That’s when you two started fucking wasn’t it?”
“We’ve only done it once.” He hesitates. “But we have talked a few times since then.”
“About what?”
He shrugs. “You and Val.”
I grind my teeth. “What about me and Val?”
Collin scoffs. “I don’t think it’s really a secret that Birdie isn’t fond of you.
I mean, she despised the idea of Valentina going along with this deal.
She thought you’d hurt her by cheating on her or forcing her to go too fast in the relationship.
I mean, come on, man. I think we’re all a little surprised that you’ve stayed faithful to Val. ”
Right.
And that’s the reason we started this deal in the first place. It wasn’t because I wanted to see what a relationship was like. It was because I knew I could never have a real relationship with Valentina. Not with the way people think about me.
Including my only friend and her friends.
“I didn’t mean—”
I shake my head to cut him off. “Don’t. Don’t apologize for being right.”
I slump back onto the couch with the weight of everything holding me down. Val and I aren’t real. We never could be. Hell, she probably reminds herself every night that we have a deal, and that’s why she has to be around me.
“Fuck.” I lean forward and grip my hair tightly. Probably too tightly.
I really thought we were real. I thought everything was going to be okay for once. But good things don’t happen to people like me. And people like Valentina Demarco deserve so much more.
“Maybe you should just tell her how you feel.”
I slowly look over at him. “Tell her how I feel? So, what? I feel even worse about myself when she laughs in my face?”
He frowns. “I don’t think that would happen.”
“Does it matter?”
“What do you mean?”
I point at him. “You just said you were surprised I’ve stayed faithful to her. And I can’t tell you how many people still don’t believe we’re dating. Girls come up to me all the time when Val isn’t around, and no matter what I say, they just keep coming.”
Not that Val knows that. She already fears that I’d cheat on her, and I don’t need to put worse thoughts in her head.
God, and that too.
My girl struggles with her own mind, and I’m pretty sure not many people know about that. So, how am I just supposed to walk away from her at Graduation, knowing what she thinks of herself?
“Well, if you’re not going to tell her how you feel, what are you going to do? Because you can’t keep acting like this when she’s not yours to keep.”
I grip the sides of my head, wanting to pull it off and throw it at Collin. “Don’t remind me.”
“I can talk to her.”
I glare at him. “Why would you talk to her?”
“We’re friends,” he says defensively.
“You don’t even call her by her name.”
“That’s our thing.”
“Having a thing doesn’t make you friends.”
“It doesn’t make you her real boyfriend either.”
I can’t take it. I stand up and lunge for him, sending my fist straight into his jaw. He stumbles back, holding his face in shock.
“I’m sorry,” I barely breathe out, my lungs pulling in air like I’ve been drowning while my mind spins out of control. “I have to go.”
I get out of his apartment as fast as I can. Clearly, I can’t be around anyone until I figure this shit out. Because not only do I now have to deal with a throbbing hand, but I also have to find a way to save my heart from completely shattering.