68
Valentina
Itake my phone with me to the living room, where Will and JJ are waiting. They turn when they hear my heels clicking on the floor, giving me a better view of them in their holiday outfits.
For JJ, this is a downgrade from his usual business attire, but Will never was the type to wear anything so structured. Surprisingly, though, when JJ is in his full suit, and Will wears his tattered jeans and oversized sweaters, they fit together more than when they wear similar outfits.
I guess love is more beautiful when you don’t have to pretend.
“Well, holy shit,” Will says, taking in my appearance. “You look fucking stunning, Tina.”
“You do look amazing, Val,” JJ agrees.
I put on a fake smile. “Thank you.”
“Oh, you need a picture for Huxley, don’t you?” Will glances around the room. “Give me your phone, let’s find some good lighting.”
My smile falls. “Just take it here.”
I try to hand my phone over, but Will just stares at me. “You don’t want a better picture?”
I know he hates when I’m upset, but even a good picture won’t make me feel better. And it’s not like it matters whether I take a good picture or not. These pictures mean nothing in the end.
“I don’t think I can take a better picture,” I say softly, my voice seconds away from cracking.
Will smiles weakly and takes my phone. I pull together another fake smile long enough for Will to take one picture.
Instead of handing me my phone back, he hands it to JJ and comes up to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders.
JJ takes a photo of Will and me, then tucks himself on the other side of me to take a group photo.
A moment like this. This is what I should hold on to.
I send the three photos to Huxley without thinking about it. Then the three of us sit down to eat.
The spread of food looks okay, but none of us are the best cooks. After the hours we spent struggling, I’m surprised there’s even food on the table. Though our turkey is wildly undercooked and might even still be frozen. It’s our centerpiece now.
My phone pings beside me, but I don’t move. I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t want to think about him. But Will has other plans.
“All right.” I look over at him as he sets his fork down. “What’s going on with you and this kid?”
My eyebrow hikes up my forehead. “You’re calling him this kid now?”
“Until I find out how he hurt you, yes.”
The tears come unwillingly but not unwarranted. I try to wipe them away, but they just keep coming, streaming down my face faster than I can keep up with.
Will’s eyes widen. “Wait. Did he hurt you physically?”
“My brother knows how to use a machete,” JJ adds calmly.
I shake my head and try to clear my throat. “No. God no. No one needs a machete.”
“Then what did he do to you?” Will asks.
I pull in a deep breath, willing my tears to subside enough so I don’t choke on all my words. I have to tell him everything. It’s the only way I’ll get through this.
“Remember when I told you that I asked him for sex?”
“Yeah?”
“And remember how I said that I chickened out?”
Will nods.
“Well,” I swallow roughly, “he was going to be my first time.”
Will’s eyes widen. “You’re still a virgin?” I nod. “Well, that’s bold to ask your crush.”
I grimace internally. “There’s another reason why I asked him.”
Will frowns. “Which is?”
This isn’t going to go well. I already know. I also already know that Will is starting to hate Huxley. Even based only on the fact that I started crying. And it’s only downhill from here.
“He’s kind of known for having sex with a lot of girls,” I tell him slowly. “Like a lot of girls.”
“How many?”
I shake my head before I can stop myself. “He trusted me with that number, so I can’t tell you.”
He doesn’t trust you, though.
“So you asked him to have sex with you because he’s a sex maniac or something?”
I shrug weakly, even though hearing Will call him a sex maniac makes my skin prickle. Cause no matter what Huxley does to me, he never deserves to be considered something that he’s not.
“Sort of.”
He shakes his head at me, almost…disappointed? “Why would you do that?” Yup. That’s disappointment in his voice. My younger brother is disappointed in me. I think this is the worst feeling in the world.
“Because Birdie and Ava told me to just do it with someone random.” I try to defend myself. “And he seemed like the perfect someone random.”
“But you guys didn’t have sex,” he clarifies slowly, more to himself as he follows along with the timeline of events I’m throwing at him. “So, how did you get from chickening out to whatever is going on between you two now?”
“After I told Huxley I was a virgin, he’s the one who called off having sex with me.” Will nods. “Which then made me admit that I’d never been in a relationship.” Then his eyes widen. “Or kissed anyone.”
“Are you serious?” he asks, mouth agape in shock. “What about Luke from high school?”
I fiddle with my fork and avoid eye contact. “I sort of lied about that.”
“Why?”
“I didn’t want you to think I was a total prude.”
“I wouldn’t have.”
I glare at him, which makes him weakly smile. Knew it.
“So what happened after that?” JJ asks, intrigue and concern mixing in his voice at the bomb I’m currently dropping.
“Huxley came up with a deal.”
“A deal,” Will repeats, but I can’t decipher his tone. He leans back in his seat and crosses his arms over his chest. “What kind of deal?”
My fingers rub into my temples. Right now, I’m wishing I had typed this all up into a detailed email and sent it before I came. That way, they both could be up to speed on everything, and we could get to the helping-me-out part faster.
“He said he would give me all of my firsts. First kiss, first relationship, first time.”
“And what does he get out of all this?”
“He said he’s never been in a real relationship before.”
“Shocking,” Will says with bitterness that nearly makes me flinch.
“How long has this been going on?” JJ cuts in after giving Will a stern look.
I shrug. “A few months, maybe.” Two months and three weeks, actually.
Will nods. “How many firsts have you done?”
“First kiss, first date.” A flood of bad memories fill my head. “We went to a party together, which was hell. And just a few other random things.”
I am definitely not going to mention the first time having phone sex in their guest bedroom. That would be mortifying. And it’s not where this conversation needs to go.
“And when does all this end?” JJ asks. “When you two finally have sex?”
I shake my head. “It was supposed to end at Graduation.”
“Supposed to?” Will presses. “What does that mean?”
Last night's memories start trickling in, but I cut them off before I start crying again. “Last night we sort of had a fight, and I called it off.”
Will looks relieved. “So it’s over?” I stare at him, tears filling my eyes even though I wish they wouldn’t. Will groans. “You didn’t.”
“I still don’t want my first time to be with someone I don’t know or trust,” I defend, though I’m not sure how much of that is the truth anymore. I could easily go be with someone else. But I don’t want to be with someone else. And that’s my problem.
“This guy doesn’t sound safe for you, Valentina.”
I scoff. “And finding a random guy to have sex with would be safer?” He looks away from me, knowing I’m right. At least about this.
“You said you’ve always had a crush on him.”
I nod at JJ. “Yeah.”
“Has that crush grown, and that’s why you also won’t let this end?”
Great. Of course, JJ can see right through me. I lower my eyes, unable to look at him with my shame.
“No.” I look at Will, seeing the annoyance fill his eyes. “Tina. Don’t tell me that’s true.”
I clear my throat the best I can. “For a while, things were perfect.” Those memories play through my mind, but now they all feel like lies. “We weren’t fighting. We were playing music together—”
“Music.” Will cuts me off. “You started playing again?” I nod slowly. “When?”
“I took a music class my first semester Freshman year. That’s where we met.”
Will’s eyes fall to the table.
I get why he’s upset. I stopped playing after Morgan died, and after he left, I just didn’t see the happiness in it anymore. Then I met Huxley, and I wanted to prove him wrong.
He’s the reason I started playing again. He gave me back a happiness I didn’t know I was missing. One I didn’t know I could get back because I didn’t think I deserved it. He made me believe I did. For a little while at least.
“I thought he felt the same way I did,” I continue.
“I thought we were falling for each other. But it wasn’t until Birdie and Ava reminded me about the deal that I started to realize all the little things he did to keep it alive.
The words he said proved just how much he didn’t care.
But I’m too far in now to stop this before we have sex.
And I’m an idiot, I know, but I still fell for him even though he’ll never want me back. ”
Saying all that out loud makes me feel even more pathetic.
I’m literally willing to stay with a guy that doesn’t want me just so I can have sex with him, because I feel safe with him.
Because he said all the right words to make me feel safe.
Because I’m not ready for my heart to explode from the heartbreak that’s coming.
I look over at JJ. His elbow rests on the table, his chin in his hand as he stares at Will. I slowly turn my attention to Will, whose hands are pressed against his forehead.
Happy Thanksgiving.
“Well, one thing’s for sure.” Will lifts his head, dropping his hands to the table. “You were right about calling yourself an idiot.”
Ouch.
But I deserve that.
“Will,” JJ warns.
Will looks at his husband but gestures toward me. “You can’t honestly tell me that she should continue doing this. She’s just going to get hurt.”
“I think,” JJ turns back to me, “you should tell him how you feel. You said he would never want you back, but has he actually said that to you?”
“Not outright, no.”
“Well, maybe he’s scared. You said he’s never been in a real relationship, so falling for someone might be scary for him.”
Thank god for you JJ and your optimism. But I don’t think that’s the case.
“But what if he doesn’t want me?” I ask softly so my voice doesn’t completely break on those gut-wrenching words.
Of course, he doesn’t want you. Why are you even asking that question?
I rub my left wrist under the table so neither of them can see me crumbling.
“Exactly,” Will states. “Don’t tell him anything. Dump his ass.” He pauses. “Or have sex with him, then dump his ass.”
JJ points at Will. “That I kind of agree with.” He shakes his head quickly. “The sex, not the not telling him anything.”
“Why?” And do I even want to have sex with him anymore?
Of course you do.
Fuck off.
“Because you said you didn’t want your first time to be with someone you didn’t know or trust,” JJ reminds me. “So have sex with him, and then tell him how you feel.”
“And if he doesn’t feel the same?”
“We’ll fly to Washington and burn his stuff and then burn him.”
I turn to Will for his response. He points at JJ. “He might actually burn him.”
“But do you think I should do that too?” I ask, ignoring JJ’s apparent arsonistic tendencies.
Will sighs and leans against the table, staring down at me.
“Honestly, in the end, it’s your decision.
If you want to stay till the end of the deal, you do that.
If you get home and feel the need to confess your love, do that.
If you go home and slap him in the face, please do that and record it for me. ”
“Will,” JJ warns again.
“You just said you’d burn him.”
“Metaphorically.” Will and I both look at JJ. He shrugs. “Maybe. Depends on the day.”
“The point is, Tina, this is all up to you. You have feelings for this guy that we will never know. Use them to help you understand what you want.”
I swallow down a lump that wants to rise. “What if I don’t know what I want?”
“You will,” he assures me.
And that’s the thing. I do know what I want. I want to go home and tell Huxley the truth, and I want him to say the same thing back to me. I just don’t want to do all that, and then Huxley tells me he doesn’t want me. I don’t know how I’ll handle that.
A long silence looms over us, our heavy conversation fading out as if it never happened.
“Okay.” JJ claps his hands together. “Who actually liked anything that we made?”
Will winces. “I’m pretty sure I ate something non-edible.”
“We should not be allowed in the kitchen,” I add.
“Perfect.” JJ pushes himself to stand. “I’ll order takeout. You two get changed.”
We all stand and leave the kitchen, but the moment I’m back in my room, the weight of everything comes crashing back.
What am I going to do?