76
Huxley
Two weeks.
Two weeks she’s been gone.
Because of me.
Because I couldn’t separate myself from my father.
I know my mother told me that my father would never find out, but in that moment, when Val said she wanted to be with me for real, all I could picture was my father hurting her to get ot me.
But why did I fucking tell her that I was leading her on? I’m in love with this girl, and I lied to her in the worst way because I can’t tell her about my father. And there’s no fixing us this time. She left, and now we’re over.
Except we can’t be over.
Letting her walk away that night has killed me since. I tried to distance myself from her, hoping that would make losing her easier. But there’s nothing easy about this.
Which is why I’ve been doing damage control. And it’s why I’m standing outside her apartment right now.
I have a plan. It’s not the best plan, and she’s probably going to turn me down, but it’s all I’ve got. This is my last chance to win back the girl I’ll never get over.
I softly knock and wait, but the waiting is slowly killing me more. I know her friends left this morning to spend the holidays with their families; what if she did as well?
Fuck. Why did I wait to talk to her? Why did I let her go at all?
My head drops, too heavy from the thoughts swirling in my head, when the door opens.
“Huxley?” Fuck. I didn’t know I could miss a voice so much. I lift my head, and my eyes connect with hers, which are tired and drained. But she’s still my beautiful girl. And I’ve missed her looking at me even more. “Are you okay?”
A weak laugh escapes me. “God, you’re too good of a person.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” she snaps. I’ve even missed that.
“I hurt you, and you still asked me if I’m okay.”
She shrugs and grabs the door. “Fine.”
Fuck me. I reach forward and stop the door before she can slam it in my face. “Wait.”
She pulls the door back open, and even though I’ve missed her, I don’t really miss her being angry at me.
“Look. I’m sorry. I’m a complete asshole for what I did to you. All of it.” I shake my head. “And I’m honestly so stupid for coming here and asking you this because I already know what your answer is going to be.”
She frowns. “Ask me what?”
My curious girl. I want to smile, but now is definitely not the time for that. I pull in a deep breath, look into her eyes, and completely murder myself in front of her.
“I want you to come home with me for Winter Break.”
The most painful laugh leaves her beautiful lips as she turns away from me. But she doesn’t shut the door. So I follow after her.
“Valentine, I know it’s stupid—”
She spins back to me, fire now in her eyes. “Stupid? It’s cruel.”
I wish she was wrong, but she couldn’t be more right. “Just listen to me,” I try, but she shakes her head.
“Why should I? Why should I ever listen to you again?”
“Please, just one more time,” I beg. I’m seconds away from getting on my knees. I just need to fix this. I can’t lose her.
Val crosses her arms over her chest and just stares at me. I take that as my chance to speak.
“I sort of told Hazel you were coming already.”
That was one of the first things I did the morning after she left. I figured if Hazel is involved, it may persuade her more. Again, not the best plan. But it’s all I’ve got.
You could tell her the truth. Since when are you for this?
Val’s eyes widen. “When? Why?”
I can’t tell her it was after we broke up, so I lie. “When you were in New York. She saw me talking to you on the phone, and she asked about it. And I guess I was hoping you would want to come when the time came.”
“You said no families,” she snaps. Her anger keeps building, while my resolve is slowly breaking.
“It just slipped out.”
“It might have just slipped out that you were talking to me, but me coming there for break was thought out.”
“It wasn’t.” Another fucking lie. “But even if it was, we were still doing the deal, so it wouldn’t have mattered.” God, I really didn’t think this plan through. Val hates me. And I don’t blame her. I hate me too.
She shakes her head. “We fought while I was in New York. How did you think it was going to be okay for us to spend the break together?”
I don’t know how much more of this I can take. She’s slipping away faster than I can grab on, and my safety net is crashing down.
I shrug weakly. “Because I was hoping that you’d be so happy with them that you’d eventually feel happy with me again.”
She takes a step closer to me, anger still fueling her. “You don’t want me,” she bites. “How can you expect me to do something like this?”
She couldn’t be more wrong. “I never said I didn’t want you. I just said it was better for you.”
“Yes, because that clears everything up.”
I push my hands through my hair, ready to rip it out and choke on it.
“Look.” I pull my hands down and see they’re shaking.
“I’ve never had a girlfriend. You know that.
But my family also knows that. And my mom is getting worried about me, and even if she won’t ever say it, I know Hazel is too, and I just wanted them to feel better.
I didn’t want them to have to worry about me.
And I figured if they at least saw us together for a full break, they would think that I would be okay later on. ”
Honestly, my mother and Hazel worrying about me never crossed my mind until now. But if I really think about it, there was some relief in their eyes when I said I have a girlfriend. I guess Hazel’s shock and my mother’s worry about other things clouded my vision.
Val doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t even move.
“God, I’m sorry.” I shove the palms of my hands into my eyes, hoping to keep my emotions inside while my heart lies on the floor between us, trying to beat without a body. “I know it’s not fair of me to ask this of you.”
I drop my hands, but she still hasn’t moved—no emotion on her face or anything.
It’s over.
“Right.” I look around her apartment and try to pull the few memories I have of this place out of my head. “I’m gonna go.”
I turn from her, every step like acid to my lungs. I lost the only girl I’ve ever loved. And I don’t think I’ll be able to recover.
“Huxley.” I turn back to her, but she doesn’t look like she’s moved. Did I hear her, or is my mind playing tricks on me? “I’ll do it.”
Her mouth moved that time, but there’s no way I heard her right. “What?”
“I said I’ll do it,” she says again.
Oh my god. Oh my god.
I quickly make my way back to her. “Thank you. Thank you, Valentine.”
She puts her hands up in front of her, stopping me in my tracks.
“But let me make myself clear,” she says sternly, staring me down from her shorter height. “You do not kiss me. You do not touch me excessively. You will respect my space no matter what. Is that understood?”
I nod. Honestly, I’d agree to anything right now, as long as she comes with me. “Very much so.”
She nods once and pulls her shoulders back like she’s ready for battle, and I have to bite back a smile from seeing her stand up for herself.
She may not realize it, but she has grown so much in the few short months we’ve been together. And I’ll do anything to see her grow even more with me by her side.
Val looks into my eyes, and though there’s hesitation building, I can still see the smallest sliver of hope trying to break through. And I know it’s the hope in her that makes her say, “Then let’s do this.”