Chapter Twenty Two #2
Cam. Always. Since we were little kids… I mean, we all loved Rory.
But Cam… it was just different," he says.
I don't say a word. I just
listen, trying to understand.
Chip sighs again. "It's
not like he talked about it. It was just obvious to most of us. In
the way he treated her, the way he talked about her. He spent most
of his time with her… He was my best friend, but she was his best
friend. We were all close, but he just… he lived for her. That's
the best way to explain it.
"Cam was the shit, too. He
was good at sports, ridiculous at football, he just wasn't as into
it as he should have been. He liked writing shit, had a journal.
Never let me near the thing… And Rory loved him, too…"
My heart stills. I hold my
breath. I hate hearing about her feeling for another guy the way
she's supposed to feel only for me. I know it isn't fair to be
upset over her past. But it's not like I'm angry with her. I'm just
jealous that another man had her heart before I did, when she's the
only one to have ever even come anywhere near mine.
"But not like he loved
her… She was also na?ve. You know, she was friends with all guys,
and we were talkin' about her tits before she even realized we'd
noticed she'd grown them."
He stops talking abruptly
when he realizes I'm barely holding myself back from clocking him.
I know how twelve year old boys talk about girls, and the thought
of him talking about Rory like that makes my already doubly pissed
off mood land straight into fucking mad.
I notice Chip swallow
nervously, and though I'm trying my damnedest not to show my
feelings about that last fucking comment he made about Rory, I'm
not sure I succeed.
"We were guys, and we
didn't talk about this stuff in front of her, so no one did. Until
she started hanging out with these bitchy chicks junior year. That
includes her dickhead ex's extra-bitchy sister. So Rory kinda went
from innocent late bloomer to thrown to the fuckin' wolves in a
matter of months."
Fuck.
When he lays it all out
there for me it fucking guts me all over again. But my brewing rage
subsides, because as painful as it is to listen to, I'm glad he's
not sugarcoating it. I'm glad he's telling me exactly how it all
went down. Because Rory's told me her side, but there are points of
view she doesn't understand. After all, she doesn't always see
herself clearly. But I do. And I think maybe this Chip character
does as well, and I soften marginally toward him.
"But we didn't know that
at the time. Honestly? At first they seemed real happy together.
Forbes seemed to treat her like a princess. And Cam, Cam loved her.
He wasn't selfish. And he wasn't going to fuck with her
relationship if she was happy.
"It was difficult to
watch, man, to be honest. Especially because he wouldn't talk about
it, and he's kind of like you—not the kind of guy you want to
push," he says.
That earns him the vaguest
of half-smiles, but it's impressive nonetheless.
"And look, as soon as that
ended, Cam was gone, so… I don't know what would have happened, and
I suppose most of this conflict you're obviously dealin' with over
it is because she doesn't either. But I know Rory Pine, and you
can't let her go on feelin' guilty over a future that won't happen.
Because you would've been somewhere else, maybe with someone else, if that all
didn't go down and she didn't move here to meet you, either. She
ain't gonna get mad at you for a future you won't have, and she
should know you won't either."
He trails off, taking a
deep, settling breath. I'm not surprised he picked up on my
insecurities, but I wonder how he knows about Rory's guilt. I knew
she blamed herself for Cam's death, but I only suspected she's been
having a hard time reconciling it—and the complicated way they left
things—with our relationship.
Either way, I don't bother
telling him that if I never met Rory I may very well be fucking
someone else, but I wouldn't be with someone else. There
never was anyone
for me before Rory. Most of me wants to tell him to mind his own
goddamned business, but then, I'm the one who brought it up. And
the truth is he's vaguely amusing to me. He's gotten himself worked
up. All protective over Rory. He doesn't want me to let her
continue to feel guilty. But I want to laugh at him.
Silly idiot, if I knew how
to erase all of her undeserved guilt, the right words to say to
make her see sense, I would have done it long ago. Still, I stay
silent, waiting for him to continue, if he will
continue.
Finally he sighs. "I know
he was in love with her. I know she loved him, but… I don't think
she was in love
with him. I think when it's like that for you, you know it. But she
didn't even realize what Cam was harborin' for her, until maybe at
the very end, though I ain't even sure about that. And it wasn't
exactly the town's best-kept secret, if you get my drift. And I
think if she felt like that for him, then she would've noticed. It
would've been on her radar. No one knew her better than Cam
did. If she was in love with him, he'd have known it, and he woulda
done somethin' about it," he says.
I like his logic, but
then, I have reason to like it. I want to believe in it.
But there's still that
missing piece. The one I can't make sense of. "What about
that— I mean,
Forbes? She says she
hates him…" I don't tell him my concerns, I just lead him in and
wait to see his response.
His eyebrows raise in
surprise. "I would say that's probably an
understatement."
"You don't think there's
anything lingering there?" I ask when he doesn't give me anything
more than the obvious.
He turns and glares at me,
and again I wish he would keep a better eye on the damn road. But
his glare seems to ask me if I'm out of my mind. Maybe I am.
But…
"She had his tee shirt
next to her bed. It doesn't make sense," I tell him finally, hoping
he'll be able to offer some unfathomable explanation for why Rory
would have the keepsake of someone she despises, someone who abused
her horribly, next to her goddamn bed.
"How do you know it was
his?" Chip asks.
"It was his football tee.
Number twenty two." God knows I'll never forget that.
Chip lets out a short
laugh and shakes his head, muttering something to himself I can't
make out, though I'm sure it's safe to assume it's at my expense.
"That ain't Forbes's," he says simply.
He's finally looking at
the road while I stare at the side of his face, waiting for an
elaboration. He takes his fucking time.
"Forbes was number twelve.
Twenty two was Cam."
It's such an obvious
explanation that it slaps me in the face. But it doesn't make me
feel any better. In fact, it all but undoes the vague relief his
earlier logic provided. Of course, Cam was her best friend, so I
have no right to be jealous that she held on to something of his. I
just wish it wasn't kept so intimately next to her bed. Or that he
was a chick.
"She would have been happy
with him," I murmur, almost to myself. It's not a question, but
then, it also is.
Chip chews on his lip. "If
Cam had just told her, things would have turned out differently.
But I think he was afraid to mess with what they had. And I get it,
it was special. Who wouldn't want to have something like that? But
if he had just manned the fuck up years ago... they could have been
happy," he confirms.
I don't know why it
matters. He's gone. She's mine. She loves me.
"Sure, I suppose you and
her never would've happened. But she also never would've started
seein' Forbes. Cam wouldn't have been driving out that mornin'…
everything would've been just different, like I said," Chip says
all this like it's not ripping me the fuck apart to hear
it.
I glare at him, hating the
knowledge that Rory could have been happy with another man, that
she could have loved him more than she does me. Maybe she just
never had the chance. I can't help but wonder if I'm the
consolation prize, and if maybe she would have been better off with
him.
"They were supposed to be
together."
Okay, now he's just being
a dick. "Fuck you," I tell him.
He shakes his head, but
there's no jest to him. If anything, he's the most serious I've
seen him. "No. You miss my point. They were supposed to be
together. It was the will of the universe—fate, God, whatever you
believe in. And them not getting together, it fucked everything up.
It made Rory vulnerable to that piece 'a shit Forbes, it put Cam in
that car…"
I rake my fingers through
my hair and grit my teeth.
"It wasn't easy to watch
unfold, ya know. My best friend lovin' his best friend, having to
put up with their super bond like a constant third wheel. Then
watchin' him watch her with another guy, see her slowly withdraw
from both of us. And how Cam suffered through it all—screwin'
around twice as much and drinking twice that. I can't even imagine
what it was like for him to find out what'd been happenin' to his
Rory girl. It fuckin' killed me, and—shit…" He trails off, overwhelmed at
some memory.
I've heard Rory and Cam's
super best friendship described what feels like a hundred goddamned
times by now, and it never fails to make me insanely jealous and
insecure. But right now I pity him. I know how I felt when she'd
told me about the hell that motherfucking
bastard put her through. I can't imagine
having been right there, and then knowing I could have done
something to stop it… that's a fucking lot to live with.
"Yeah," I
exhale.
Chip pulls off the exit to
head back to our hotel and doesn't say another word until we're
stopped at a red light. He looks at me intently then.
"What's done is done,
though," he says.
I blink at him.
"Things are different now.
I didn't expect to find her like this. I mean, she's still dealin'
with a lot, obviously."
Obviously.
"But she's happy. You make
her happy."
I stare at him, unable to
find words, not when his are so close to what I want to
hear.