4. Sawyer
SAWYER
W hen I wake up, it takes me a moment to remember everything that happened. For a moment, I have peace. I’m staring out over the upper west side, looking down at Central Park and the city that never seems fazed. But when I see my new phone on the nightstand next to me, I remember where I am and why I’m here, and that sinking feeling returns to the pit of my stomach.
I slink out of the bed and let my feet hit the floor, making my way out the door and down the stairs. I can hear Julian on the phone.
“No. No, I don’t want anyone to know I was there. No, this isn’t about me. There are people—college kids—dead. This doesn’t need to be the Everett show. Yes. Just find out who they all were, and make an anonymous donation to cover all the funeral costs. Yes. All of them. No. Yes, okay.”
College kids dead. And he’s paying for the funerals. The pit grows deeper in my belly.
When I get to the main level, I see a woman in the kitchen, putting out platters of food, Russ and Tyler are near the elevator, and Julian is still talking, pacing the apartment. When he sees me, he smiles.
He hangs up and makes his way toward me as I reach the bottom of the stairs. I look up at him, and for a moment, I feel a little lighter. His dark waves are styled immaculately, and he’s wearing a shirt and tie that would normally make me feel a little weak in the knees.
If it weren’t for the circumstances that brought me to him, these last sixteen hours or so would have me absolutely salivating over him.
“Good morning,” he says.
“Good morning,” I say back.
“Bonnie is in the kitchen, whipping up a few things. I wasn’t sure what you liked, so she’s made a few different dishes.” I nod. Something she’s making smells delicious, and suddenly, I’m very aware that I haven’t eaten in almost a full twenty-four hours. “I have to go, but Russ is going to take you to the airport. Your mom’s flight gets in in about an hour.”
That’s the best news I’ve heard in…well…sixteen hours.
“Oh my gosh,” I say, “thank you so much.”
“We reserved a suite for the two of you in the city for as long as you need.” My eyes widen.
“Julian, you’ve done enough,” I say. His eyebrows knit together as he stares down at the ground, then he lifts his eyes to me.
“No one should have to go through what you’re going through, Sawyer,” he whispers, and I swallow the lump in my throat. “Campus is still locked down,” he says. I swallow again, but it’s getting harder.
“Is there…has there been any…” My voice trails off.
“Thirty-three students and staff members were killed,” he whispers. “The gunman…he killed himself in the middle of the quad. Police are still searching campus for students and staff who were locked down and didn’t get word of the all-clear. They’re also still searching for…victims. So far, classes are canceled for the next week.”
I bite my lip, then I look down at my phone. No new messages.
“I’m so sorry I have to go,” he says as he steps toward me. I force a smile and wave him off.
“Please,” I say, “you have done so much for me. You don’t owe us any of this, seriously.”
He reaches out and gently takes my hand in his.
“Please stop saying that, Sawyer. Please,” he says. I swallow again. “Have something to eat, and then go get your mom. I’ll be in touch.”
I smile faintly back at him, but as he turns away, I feel myself reach out and grab his hand. He freezes, looking down at them for a moment, then our eyes meet again before he walks to the elevator with Tyler behind.
An hour later, I’m waiting anxiously at the gate at JFK for my mom’s flight. I’ve tracked it every five seconds, watching the flight number pop up on the screens over and over again. And then finally, when I see her walking through, I melt. I run to her and let myself become a puddle again while she holds me. I take in her familiar touch, her smell, the way she cradles me like I’m a baby.
I don’t care who is around. I don’t care who’s watching. I just care that my mom is here.
Finally, I get it together enough that we walk out the doors toward the car. Tyler is behind us, carrying her bag, and he opens the door for us. I don’t have anything of my own, just a bag packed with the clothes that Julian bought me.
My mom and I hold hands the entire way from the airport to the hotel.
We get to the hotel, and Tyler walks us in and checks us in at the desk. We say our goodbyes, and then Mom and I go up to our suite—another penthouse, I might add—change into the robes, and lie in bed, watching movies. She scratches my head as I lie in her lap.
“I can’t believe he paid for us to stay here,” she says. “He’s so kind.”
I sigh.
“I know. I feel so guilty about it,” I say.
“I know, honey. But I would have done anything to get here as fast as possible.”
My phone has pinged sporadically all day. Spencer is with his parents back in New Hampshire. He knows that the rugby team also made it, because they were off campus at a match.
Maddie called me around noon. She had been locked in a weight room with some of her friends for six hours before the police came to clear them. She’s back in New Jersey with her family. But there’s one more thing.
She heard that the gunman had gone into Lex Hall. My dorm. Where I live with Lucy.
Lucy.
Maddie hasn’t heard from her either.
We tell each other we love each other. We say our goodbyes.
I hang up the phone, and then I collapse back on the bed, tears endlessly streaming down my face.
I don’t know, but I do know.
I’m never going to see her again.