Chapter 5
CHAPTER FIVE
On that Friday as she went in to work, Erika yawned as she entered the building. She’d stayed up half the night to finish a paper and turn it in, but that was nothing new. She’d been bleary-eyed and exhausted plenty of times over the years she’d had to work and complete her coursework at the same time. If anything, she was used to it.
What she wasn’t used to was loud yelling within the walls of the pediatrician’s practice even before the young patients arrived.
“ Surprise !”
Erika nearly jumped right out of her skin. Then, as Callie, Julie, and even Tim began to sing the Birthday Song, she remembered. Today was her birthday. The big thirty-eight. How had that happened so fast? She was basically within striking distance of forty.
Wow.
“And many more…” everyone continued to sing, and right as the song ended, she remembered to smile and act appreciative. That part wasn’t hard because she did feel appreciative. But then Callie brought out what she always did.
Cupcakes.
No, one of those cupcake cakes .’
Erika withheld her sigh, not letting it escape. Callie couldn’t have any idea that she’d not only altered her own eating habits because of her diabetic husband but that the infernal disease had actually succeeded in killing her husband. Or that this fact made Erika even less likely to indulge in anything made with sugar. Really, only her nearest and dearest knew that. Regardless, at least as far as her own family was concerned, they tended to ignore it.
How many times had she heard the words, “But you’re not diabetic, Erika. That was just Blake.” As if his condition hadn’t taken up so much significance in her day to day. As if his death hadn’t been this massive turning point in her life. Or as if she hadn’t known that. As if she still didn’t know it.
She adored her family, she did. But sometimes, they could be rather insensitive.
Callie, on the other hand, only did this due to what were undoubtedly good intentions. So, Erika played the happy birthday girl to the best of her abilities. She even ate one of the vanilla cupcakes—which was admittedly delicious—but when no one was looking, she scraped off all the icing. She had to lower the sugar content somehow.
Once Callie and Julie were done making a fuss, her employer approached her, Tim’s lips quirking up then down then up again almost anxiously. “Happy birthday, Erika. I’m happy to have you here, and I probably don’t say that enough.”
He didn’t say that ever, but she couldn’t deny liking that he said it now. She liked it a lot. Even if she was very much planning on going her own way as soon as possible. Their early run-ins had not been fun, and Erika had come exceedingly close to zooming out of there and slamming the door on her way out.
Yet, Callie had intervened on her behalf, and the situation had gotten better. Considerably better. Also, she and the office manager had become true friends in the interim. That was one part she wasn’t looking forward to. Informing Callie of her plans to exit and build her own practice.
She sincerely doubted Callie would like that. Not only because it would separate them as friends and coworkers, but also because it would leave a vacancy in her wake. A vacancy Callie would be tasked with filling.
Yet despite all this, including how much her work dynamic with her boss had now improved, she felt the need to move on to bigger and better prospects. Her career wouldn’t be ending here in this office but would be rising and shining inside her own.
She had some enormous and ambitious plans in that regard. Erika had built her academic and professional career around pediatric endocrinology, her specialty. With that specialty, she hoped to treat and hopefully destroy the harm caused by type one diabetes.
Since the condition almost always manifested during childhood, she wanted to study it on an individual basis, to catch the signs of it as early as possible to see if anything could either eradicate it or at least make it far simpler to treat.
Tim Blum was a general pediatrician with no particular specialty, and that was part of why she felt so compelled to make an exit. Did he have a few diabetic patients? Yes. But more often than not, he saw colds and flus. He was far more likely to need to treat the sniffles than anything so serious as a failure of the pancreas to regulate blood sugar levels properly.
Erika had been playing this card close to her vest, however, and she would continue to do so. She wasn’t sure what reaction Tim might have at the news. She wouldn’t be asking him for a recommendation since she’d been looking to open her own practice, but she couldn’t count on his improved behavior toward her staying that way once he knew she planned to move on to greener pastures.
The worst part, no doubt, would be disappointing Callie. The woman had done her a total solid when she’d interceded on Erika’s behalf, and she’d become one of her best friends. Maybe even her closest friend outside of family. The fact that Tim’s office stayed so busy, and that such a small market might struggle to find another RN also added to her worry.
So, she plastered her most convincing smile onto her features and acted as cheerful and thankful as she could. The day after that remained as busy as always, and though she’d seen that a piece of mail addressed to her had been left at her workstation, she didn’t have time to deal with it. It was rare—nearly unheard of—for her to receive mail there at the office, but it was probably just junk mail. Ultimately, she waved it off.
She’d just deal with it the next day.
Once the workday finished, she maintained a neutral expression until she was alone in her car. Her parents had invited her to dinner like they did every month, and she knew better than to not go. It wasn’t that she resented these invitations. She didn’t. It was just that her parents had opinions that Erika didn’t share. And most of those opinions centered around her decisions and her life.
Or the life they thought she should be leading.
So faced with handling both that and fretting about leaving her job, Erika didn’t emit the most joyful of moods as she entered her parents’ home that night.
“I’m making your favorite,” her mom announced as soon as she heard her lumbering inside. “Made from scratch meatloaf, sauteed carrots, and steamed broccoli.”
Erika tilted her head to the side in grudging acceptance. That was her favorite meal. But then, since it was her birthday, that made sense.
“Thanks, Mom,” she embraced the older woman as she stirred the vegetables on the stovetop.
“Can’t not give my daughter what she wants on her big day.”
Suddenly, she regretted having any uncharitable thoughts toward her parents. They too had stepped in to help her cope with the loss of her young husband. The difference between them and Blake’s parents was more a matter of degrees. Her mom and dad wanted her to set her sites on the future with a new love along with her new career, while Nikki and Bruce—encouraging as they were where her professional life was concerned—remained tied to Blake, just like she did.
“You look worried, honey,” her dad said by way of greeting. Fabulous. “What’s going on?”
She offered him a half-truth. “It’s just that as I come closer to completing my degree, that means I’m coming closer to letting Callie down. I’m dreading that.”
“Sometimes you have to approach things like this like ripping off a band aid. Just be upfront and firm,” her dad advised.
“If I were you, I’d pull Callie aside and inform her before anyone else in the office knows. This can serve as both a warning and a method of feeling her out. If she reacts poorly, you can comfort her while staying resolved to leave. But at least she won’t feel blindsided.”
“Like Tim and Julie will?”
“Well, are you concerned about Tim and Julie’s feelings?” her mother countered, and the truth was, not as much. She said so. “Then, talk to Callie. See what she says and let that inform the rest of how you handle things.”
Still not sure what she should do, Erika swapped out subjects.
“So, Nikki and Bruce told me the falling out of the silver maple story again. It was just as fascinating and astonishing as always.” Her mom and dad exchanged a look, one she couldn’t help but notice. “What was that?”
“What was what?” her dad asked, no longer meeting her gaze.
“That look you just shared with Mom. What’s going on?”
“Nothing’s going on,” he claimed, but something about the tone of his voice caused her not to believe him.
“Come on. Might as well come out with it.”
Yet it was her mother who addressed her rather than her father. She even patted her hand. “Look, honey, it’s seriously admirable how dedicated a daughter-in-law you’ve been. You needed them, and they needed you. You’ve consistently been there for them. But don’t you think that maybe it’s time for you to start putting a bit of distance between them and you?”
Erika sat up. “Please don’t start this up again.”
Her mother looked downright miserable as she grimaced at her father. “I’m sorry to have to say this, but it’s time, honey. Past time. Nikki and Bruce are good people, but they’ve locked themselves in the past and made it their own personal prison. We don’t want that for you.”
Erika shook her head at what her mom seemed to be saying. The Cantrells were only doing what made sense to them. Just like she was. “I think saying they’re locked in the past is way overstating things.”
“Maybe it is,” her father took up the narrative. “But maybe it isn’t. From our side of the table, they haven’t moved on from their son’s death. And Erika, we’re afraid you haven’t, either.”
“I’ve moved on,” she protested.
“Yes, in your career, you’re making fantastic strides, and your mother and I are so proud of you we could burst. But you haven’t dated much, honey. And no one you’ve attempted it with has stuck.”
“So?” Erika suddenly felt like a petulant teenager and altered her tone. “I appreciate you guys trying to look out for me, but the truth is that I have dated. Those men just weren’t a good fit.”
All two of them.
One had taken her out to dinner and the other one, bowling. She barely spoke to either man and when the second one tried to kiss her, she dragged herself away from him, leaving him right there at the bowling alley. But her parents didn’t need to know that.
“That’s fine,” her mom said, “But how long ago was that?”
“I don’t know.” Erika shrugged. “A year or so?”
“Try five. That was five years ago,” her dad said, and she stared at him. That couldn’t be right. “And Blake’s been gone for sixteen. Sixteen years, Erika. Isn’t it time to let him go?”
She stood all at once and even before she’d absorbed the fact that she’d jumped to her feet in the first place. Erika shoved her chair back from the table, creating a horrible grating sound as the chair legs rubbed across their wooden floor. Taking her now empty plate, she rushed it over to the dishwasher along with her cup.
“Dinner was fabulous. Thank you both for having me over.”
“Honey, you don’t have to go,” her mother stated, standing as well, but that was cardinally untrue. If she didn’t go, Erika knew she’d say something she’d regret.
“I have more studying and an early morning tomorrow. You know how it is,” she said without glancing toward either parent.
“I’m sorry, Erika, if I upset you,” her dad said. “But we hate the idea of you freezing yourself like this, of you becoming stagnant in your personal life. We care about you. We care about your happiness. Even if you don’t.”
“I do care about my happiness,” she snapped, unable to help herself. “Why would you even say that?”
“Because you stay so alone all the time. It’s work and classes. Then more work and classes.”
“That’s all I have time for,” she half-yelled, but her dad continued his argument.
“And when you do have more time? What then?”
But this conversation was over. She was making certain of it. “I have to go. Goodnight.”
They said something about loving her, and she said it back. But she was no longer focused on them. She couldn’t be. Erika felt too upset. Too stunned. She hopped in her car and drove home, the entire way hearing one phrase over and over again.
“Blake’s been gone for sixteen. Sixteen years, Erika.”
Sixteen years. Her husband had died sixteen years ago. Was that right? It didn’t seem possible. Yet as she tallied up the time, there was no escaping the veracity of those words, of the correctness of the calculation.
Erika thought of this nonstop as she motored her way through town depending mostly on muscle memory. Losing Blake had been the most horrible thing in her life, the worst thing she’d ever suffered. Much of the time when she reflected on it, it felt like it’d happened yesterday.
But sometimes it felt like it’d been much longer. Likely because it really had been much longer.
Much, much longer.
Over a decade and a half. Some miniscule part of her psyche comprehended that fixating on someone she’d lost so long ago might not be what was best for her, but she didn’t know how not to do it. Or if releasing him—forgetting about him—would ever feel right.
She had promised to love and cherish the man for eternity, after all. Even if she’d made those vows in a cheesy chapel in Las Vegas, Nevada. They still held true, right? They still mattered.
Blake still mattered. And he always would.