Chapter 9
CHAPTER NINE
When Erika trekked into work to find more cupcakes, she felt a spasm of relief. Callie had been pestering her about how her date with Cody had gone, and despite providing her with a few key answers, the woman refused to let it go. She’d wanted detail after detail, and even after Erika gave them to her—an obvious mistake since she kept asking for more—Callie continued to bring it up over and over.
Then, when Erika cancelled her dinner plans with Cody, Callie must’ve detected something different about her posture or the look on her face. She’d asked her question after question until finally Erika had hissed at her.
“It’s over .”
Erika wished she could take back what she said the instant the words left her mouth. Mainly because Callie became relentless about the whys of it all. As if Erika herself even knew why she’d broken things off with Cody. She didn’t.
All she knew was that she imagined herself going on that date—knowing she honestly couldn’t refer to it as anything else—and something inside her heart ripped open. She didn’t know the reasons behind this, and frankly, she didn’t want to know.
It felt like some sort of unexplainable warning from on high, some instinct warning her off, and she wasn’t going to question it. Besides, she had a husband. Yes, he’d died, but that didn’t mean her link to him had been severed. Not totally. The truth of the matter was that she shouldn’t have ever agreed to go out with Cody to begin with. Not for coffee or anything else.
Once she saw the cupcakes, Erika wondered if it might be Julie or Tim’s birthday since she knew it wasn’t Callie’s. Either one would hopefully provide a distraction. The sooner she could shake her friend off her need to play matchmaker between her and Cody—or anyone else—the better.
Besides, she had her nurse practitioner certification to concentrate on, something that had become terribly difficult lately. For some reason she couldn’t define, her focus had been scattershot lately, something she’d never experienced to this level. Her thoughts kept going all over the place.
“Ooh, Erika, look what came, look what came. Cupcakes, and they’re for you,” Callie basically cheered like a cheerleader, and Erika scanned her from head to toe feeling wary. Her friend was so joyful and exuberant that suspicion sparked in her brain.
“How do you know they’re for me?”
“Because they had a card attached to them with your name. You, dear friend, have a secret admirer.”
What a bunch of malarkey.
“Callie, you have to knock this off.”
“Knock what off?” Her friend feigned ignorance and innocence, neither of which she pulled off.
“This performance of yours. A mysterious secret admirer. That’s ridiculous. Particularly when we both know who it’s from.”
“You mean a certain organic farmer who works with my husband?” Callie asked in a singsong voice. The RN’s anger hadn’t even phased her. Erika slammed her arms over her chest.
“Maybe.” But then it occurred to her that Cody knew how she felt about sugar, that he too liked to minimize it in his diet. “Unless you bought this yourself to pass off as his.” The accusation struck home because Callie’s pale complexion flushed as red as a tomato. “You did buy these, didn’t you?”
Yet Callie straightened and threw her long bundle of blonde curls back from her face despite this.
“I’m sure Cody would have bought these himself if he’d known that you wanted them.”
“No, he wouldn’t. Because he knows that I don’t want them. My husband died from diabetes. The last thing I’d ever do is besmirch Blake’s memory by gulping down the substance that ended up killing him.”
Erika paused long enough to pick up on the shocked gazes around her. Tim and Julie stood in different directions not far away, but they must’ve heard every word she said because she’d unintentionally roared it at the top of her lungs.
“I…” For once, Callie seemed at a loss for words. “I didn’t know that.”
“I know you didn’t,” Erika answered in tones better suited for indoors. She’d already forgiven her friend for the cupcakes. It was Callie’s need to snoop into her personal life that grated.
“Is Cody diabetic, too?”
Erika had narrowed her eyes at her workstation, but at that, she whipped her head up.
“Not to my knowledge. Why?”
“I just…” Callie shook her head. “I still don’t understand. You told me all these wonderful things about your coffee date with him. I’m trying to figure out why your willingness to go out with Cody altered out of the blue.”
“He…” Now she was the one stumbling over her words. “He makes me uncomfortable.”
“How?” Everything about Callie’s features became cautious. Watchful. Worried, even. “Did he do or say something nasty you haven’t told me about?”
“No.”
“Do you think he’d hurt you physically?”
“Oh, no. He’d never do anything like that.” She didn’t get that sense at all. Cody Stiers was a great guy. He just wasn’t her great guy. “The situation in general is what makes me uncomfortable. I’m the problem.”
“What situation?” Erika had to think how to put this, so she stepped into a nearby exam room and busied herself with straightening the already tidy jars of tongue depressors, cotton balls, and gauze dressings.. “I know this will sound weird, but just dating is the uncomfortable situation. I shouldn’t be doing it.”
“Because of Blake?”
“Yeah. Exactly.”
Then, for the first time, Erika fleetingly discussed her late husband with the woman who’d become such a close friend. Callie listened carefully to her every word. About their impromptu wedding in a cheesy chapel in Vegas. About how young they’d been and the time that had passed. At lunch, they went out together and Erika even told her about the Friday dinners she regularly went to at her in-law’s house.
Callie remained uncharacteristically quiet throughout the rest of the workday. Oh, she handled all the crying children and worried parents. She handled dealing with appointments with her patience and calmness intact just like she did every day. Yet with Erika, she seemed more distant than usual. Or maybe she was simply being contemplative.
By the time the day finished and they were closing up, Callie latched onto her arm and walked her to her car. But when she glanced into her friend’s eyes, all Erika found there was sympathy. “I’m sure losing a husband like that is beyond comprehension to anyone who hasn’t experienced it. I almost lost Zeke, so I can imagine the devastation such an event would leave in its wake.”
“Thanks.”
“But Erika, I hope you’re not using that to keep yourself from being happy now. Maybe Cody could be the one to make you happy again or maybe not, but I hope you give yourself a chance by being willing to explore that. Someday, at least.”
On autopilot, Erika replayed her friend’s advice over and over on her way home. Only after she braked to turn into her driveway did she change her mind and keep driving. She felt unsettled, almost untethered by Callie’s last sentiment, like a balloon drifting into the atmosphere for parts unknown.
Ultimately, it boiled down to a single question: Was she keeping herself from being happy?
She’d never actually asked herself that, never questioned the decisions she’d been making as she’d gone about her day-to-day life. And in a way, it was no wonder. How could she consider her own happiness after being widowed so abruptly? She’d grieved. She’d mourned. And all that had not only felt necessary, it’d been necessary. Of that much, she had no doubt.
But what good would it do Blake for her to refuse to have a night out on the town?
It wasn’t like she was marrying Cody. They weren’t getting engaged or even anywhere near serious. She’d balked from a dinner date with the man that might not have even gone as well as their first. Why?
This was the only time she’d ever reflected on her motives. What damage could a single dinner possibly cause?
She’d been making so many strides in her professional existence. She’d gone to school and kept gaining the education and promotions she needed until she’d become a registered nurse. Then, she’d pursued the highest qualification any nurse could have by chasing after her nurse practitioner’s license, a designation that put her nearly on par with medical doctors.
That was ambitious by anyone’s estimation. And she was proud of the time and effort she’d put in. She was determined to make a positive difference in this world by helping to end diabetes in childhood, or to a bare minimum, permanently stabilize the condition. Stop it in its tracks so it couldn’t rob any other person of their significant other or their child.
She’d done that and was continuing to do that. Yet she’d consistently barred herself from dating. Even after it went remarkably well. Even after there had been something between them. Potential. Cody could become her next close friend.
Or possibly more.
The idea frightened her, made her quake down to her very bones. Yet it’d been sixteen years, as her father had so recently reminded her. She’d been in mourning over her lost husband for a span of years that was four times longer than the amount of time she’d been with him. Not having him with her now was certainly a tragedy. But what good would it do her to cut herself off from the rest of her life?
And more importantly to Erika, would doing so make her a coward?
Even the concept of that rankled within her like a gastric ulcer. She might not be perfect, but she tried not to let her fears dictate her decisions.
Her aimless driving ultimately led her back to the square. There was the manicured lawn with the landscaping in strategic locations near the cowboy statue. There was The Steer House steakhouse and the Bookish Bistro, the first of which had been there for ages and the second one a business that had just opened a couple of years ago.
Then, right there was Sweet Everything. The dessert shop where she’d spent the best three hours of her recent life. And that had been due to spending it with Cody Stiers. With his dad jokes, his laughing, multi-hued hazel gaze, and his charming silver fox good looks.
She let herself dwell on those three hours. How her hesitancy and nervousness had simply melted away. How long it’d been seen she’d sat down and ate inside Sweet Everything rather than merely dropping in and picking up a coffee to go. How that latte she’d ordered—the same one she always ordered—had somehow seemed to taste better than ever.
Or maybe that had been the company she’d kept.
Erika might’ve told Callie that Cody made her feel uncomfortable, but when she reevaluated that sentence, she had to admit that it wasn’t him that made her uncomfortable but the idea of enjoying herself that much. Enjoying herself with a man who wasn’t Blake.
Because she had enjoyed herself.
She could still remember how he’d smelled like freshly mown grass. The curve and whiteness of his smile. How the decadence of that brownie had tasted, even if she probably couldn’t ever allow herself to eat more than a bite or two of it. She thought of how those hours had disappeared so swiftly because… Because well, she’d been having such a wonderful time.
Because for that evening, she’d had fun. Maybe the most fun she’d had since Blake had been alive. And she didn’t know what scared her the most, the fact that she might have been acting like a scaredy-cat, or the fact that a few short hours with Cody had left her so high on cloud nine.