Chapter 11
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Erika burst through the door of her home as mad as a hatter. She threw her purse and the teddy bear Cody had bought for her halfway across the room, and it landed so violently that half the contents of her purse flew everywhere. Not the bear, though. The Velcro kept the stuffed animal attached to her purse strap, the bear laying face up on its back just like injured prey at the end of a hunt.
Something about that image—ridiculous as it was—struck her as painful, and she dropped to her couch in utter defeat. Throwing her head into her hands, she sat there wondering how the evening had gone from so wonderful to totally off-track.
As if to torture her, her mind rewound itself to the moment when she and Cody shared that incredible lip lock out on that dance floor. At the time, it’d felt so right, but any rightness became overshadowed by the greasy sliminess of guilt.
She and Blake had never shared a kiss that passionate, that overwhelming.
At least not unless she wasn’t remembering her past correctly. Maybe that was it. Maybe her marriage had been just as exciting, just as all-encompassing. But it’d been so long ago that she’d forgotten it, or at least the specific details of it.
It made her sick to her stomach to even admit that much to herself. To admit the possibility that maybe the heat she and Cody had experienced had been more than what she’d had with Blake. Her precious Blake…
Thoroughly demoralized, she retired to her bed, laying there awake in the dark for hours.
The next day came and went. Then more days did the same. For once, Cody didn’t initiate any contact between them. Erika knew she should feel relieved by this, but she didn’t. She had no idea how to feel at this point, so she let it go, not reaching out to him, either.
A couple of weeks passed, and she’d been avoiding the topic of Cody with Callie like it was the plague.
“So…” Callie sidled up to her that first morning. “How’d your date?—”
“I don’t want to discuss it,” Erika cut her off so sharply that her friend’s mouth gaped open.
“But…”
“But nothing. I don’t want to talk about it. Not at all.”
Erika stormed off, and Callie hadn’t mentioned it since.
For every hour she wasn’t at work, she worked nonstop on her nurse practitioner coursework. Last night she’d finished the last bit of her assignments online, and now all she had to do was pass a series of extremely important tests.
It was nerve-racking, to be honest. To be this close but not yet finished. So much hinged on her ability to gain a passing score, and despite understanding that she had all the knowledge necessary, comprehending that years of work depended on these last few scores kept her studying day and night.
She’d been in the midst of reading over the same subject for the fifth time when she received a text.
Nikki : You coming tonight, sweet girl? You’re twenty minutes late.
Bruce : Friday Dinner can’t take place without you, you know.
Shoot. Erika peered at the time. They were right. Also, they always communicated like this, in tandem with one another. Even on text. Only in that second did it hit her as unusual, maybe even abnormal when compared to everyone else she ever spoke to.
But now wasn’t the time to analyze things.
Marking her spot in her notes, she let them know she was on her way. Maybe time with them would make for a nice break, both from her studies and her complicated feelings for Cody. During the rare times she managed to catch any Zs, she dreamt about him. About watching his face go from smiling to stunned to a big, sad frown. She knew she shouldn’t put much stock in a dream, but she couldn’t help it. Up until recently, all her dreams had always included Blake.
And now, he was nowhere to be seen.
Lumbering up the steps of the Cantrell’s front porch, Erika rushed in, ready to relax and have a pleasant evening, yet everything about the night felt off. She couldn’t even identify why. It wasn’t that Nikki and Bruce weren’t the same as always because they were. The décor on the outside and inside of their house was the same. The food they served for dinner was the same. The conversation was all the same.
It took her a while to realize that it was she herself who didn’t feel the same.
She couldn’t quite put her finger on why she no longer felt at ease there, but she didn’t. As she peered around at their home, the one she’d been in so often she could stroll through it blindfolded, her eyes drifted over everything. All those framed pictures. The memorials to Blake everywhere. It made something inside her sink. Being in this house with these people, people she admittedly loved, suddenly reminded her of visiting a mausoleum.
For the first time ever, Erika saw this in a different light. Nikki and Bruce lived every day over and over again with almost no deviation. It was like they were on some sort of strange causal loop rather than advancing or moving forward. Their lives were frozen. Stagnant.
She understood why, of course. Much of the Cantrell’s lives were stuck in the time period when Blake was there. But while as she didn’t like to think about it, Blake hadn’t been alive for a long, long time now. The concept of reminiscing with them over the exact same stories as always, of eating the same foods in the same place; it no longer appealed to her.
Did she really want to do this for the rest of her life?
They were in the middle of the meal discussing their typical memories and anecdotes about Blake when Erika couldn’t take it anymore.
“You both know I love you, right?” she interrupted Bruce.
He paused, squinting at her. “Sure.”
“You know we do,” Nikki agreed.
“And that I’ll always love Blake, too?”
“Of course, you will,” Nikki said, but she looked disconcerted at this alteration of their customary dinner habits. “Why?”
Erika stood. “Because I think I need to go.”
In unison, they got to their feet, too.
“But you’ve barely eaten anything on your plate,” Bruce protested.
“Besides, I made banana pudding,” Nikki argued, as well. It would be sugar free and Blake’s favorite, no doubt. Why that now felt so insane to her after all these years of carbon copy Friday dinners, Erika didn’t know.
Yet it did feel that way. And registering that made her fidgety. The walls were suddenly pressing in on her, making her like she couldn’t catch her breath. She felt confined in here. Trapped, even.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t stay.”
Gasping for air, Erika ran through the house and out past that porch. She jumped the steps in a single bound as if racing over hurdles, then trotted down their sidewalk to her car. Only once on the street did she feel like she could take in enough oxygen. It was such a strange reaction for her to have, she was aware of that. Yet getting out of there became her priority.
Leaping into her car, she screeched her tires as she barreled at high velocity down the street. She had to get away, had to put some significant distance between herself and the Cantrells. No more than five seconds passed before the blinding red and blue lights of a police cruiser flashed in her rearview mirror.
A glimpse of her speedometer informed her that she’d been going at least ten miles over, and as Sheriff Mark Talbot sauntered over to her driver’s side, Erika sincerely considered banging on her steering wheel and screaming. Not that such behavior would help. So instead, she greeted one of the highest-ranking members of the local law enforcement.
“Hey, Mark.”
“Erika Cantrell, it really is you. I figured someone might’ve stolen your car or something. You’re never in trouble.”
What he said was accurate. She’d always been an excellent citizen who obeyed all the laws, traffic or otherwise. Until now, anyway. Also, because she’d been raised to be a good girl and honor all forms of authority, she not only had a healthy respect for the police, she actually felt a little bit of dread.
It wasn’t a dread of being wrongly accused, but for messing up her perfect record. Maybe even being thought of as less-than. And that was in spite of knowing Mark as an acquaintance most of her life. His six-foot five height was imposing, to be fair.
“Um…” But that was all she could get out.
The sheriff raised an eyebrow. “Know how fast you were going? In a residential area, no less?” She shook her head. “Forty-two in a twenty-five. Technically, that’s reckless driving. What are you doing? Trying to kill somebody?”
Maybe it was because at thirty-seven, this was the first time she’d been pulled over for a speeding ticket. Maybe it was how she’d left things with Nikki and Bruce. Maybe it was the sheriff’s insinuation that her driving could’ve hurt someone. But whatever the reason, Erika’s throat clogged, her eyes and nose burned, and the next thing she knew, she was crying.
Well, crying didn’t quite cover it. She was out-and-out sobbing , chest-heaving and tears flowing. Worse, she couldn’t seem to speak or slow her reaction down, much less bring it to an end. It felt as if this had been building behind a wall, and now that wall had been ripped away, making every emotion she’d been holding back cave in on her.
Erika didn’t even know if Mark remained beside her door or not, she was too upset. Her sorrow, frustration, and anxiety poured out of her until her chest ached and her entire face felt puffy. She didn’t dare look in her mirror. Not now.
Good thing Cody couldn’t see her like this.
And the thought of Cody made her lose it all over again.
It took her a minute to even absorb that Mark had stayed nearby, his posture pure awkwardness as he rubbed at his five o’clock shadow with the notepad he likely wrote out tickets on.
“Listen,” he finally spoke up. “I don’t know what might be going on with you. But I’ve decided to just write you a simple speeding ticket. You don’t have any priors. Just pay it and take a course online, and as long as you don’t get another one in the next year, it won’t go on your record, all right?”
He was being kind, and honestly, he didn’t have to be.
“O-kay,” she croaked out.
“Are you up to driving home or do you need me to call you someone?” Rocky Ridge didn’t have public transportation.
“N-not necessary.” Retrieving the travel pack of tissues she kept in her glovebox, she started putting herself back together.
“You sure?”
“I’m sure.” Her voice came out at a rasp, but apparently, it was loud enough for him to hear her.
He handed her the ticket, and her midwestern manners had her thanking him for it, of all the silly responses. Still, she needed to get home. It was all she could focus on.
“Be careful,” he admonished her, and at last, drove off, leaving her there on the side of the residential lane.
Once the law enforcement officer motored out of sight, Erika kept her mind totally blank. Only after she’d hurried into her house did she throw herself on her bed and fall apart all over again. She proceeded to weep for most of the night, receiving exceptionally little sleep.
Sometime after dawn, she finally drifted off, too exhausted to do anything else. Then, she woke in the afternoon feeling numb. She stared out her window and into the blue sky, detecting shapes in the cotton-like clouds building along the horizon.
It’d been a long time since she had an emotional release like that, and at this point, she felt like a zombie. While on the cusp of so much professionally, she still had to make those last strides she’d been working so hard toward to complete her mission. It felt like too much to deal with at the moment, though.
Sunday came and went without any real improvement. She didn’t so much as pull up her nurse practitioner coursework on her laptop even though this was her sacred weekend time to do just that. But she couldn’t face it. Erika couldn’t seem to face much of anything. She even called into work on Monday, something she had never once done.
Personally, she felt as if she’d done nothing but spin her wheels. For the first time she had to admit that it was time for her to make some changes. Moving on felt so painful, though. Agonizing, even. She wasn’t sure if she could go through with it.
Especially since she suspected that if she did, it’d feel like Blake had died all over again.