19. Billie
CHAPTER 19
BILLIE
S tanding in the back of the room, I twist my hands. James looks so confident at the podium, the whole crowd hanging on his every word.
The pride filling my chest is immeasurable.
I know how much hard work he has put into this project, and to see it come to life like this is a true accomplishment.
But as he scans the crowd, his eyes eventually find me. I freeze like a deer caught in headlights.
James excuses himself from the crowd of people surrounding him and starts making his way towards me.
I can feel the heat rising to my cheeks as he approaches me.
“Hey,” he says, his gaze intense. “What do you think?”
I smile. “It was incredible. You did so well.”
“It’s all thanks to you. If you hadn’t stayed up all night, helping me—”
“It was nothing.” I shake my head.
“No. It was everything.” He touches my elbow, and heat rushes through me.
We’re standing in a crowded room, and there’s nothing inappropriate about the touch, but it feels just as intimate as our time together in bed.
Maybe it’s the way he’s looking at me.
Maybe it’s the way his eyes seem to be searching mine, as if he’s trying to read my thoughts.
Whatever it is, I can feel my heart beating faster, and I know that something is different between us.
James takes a deep breath. “I know we’ve been tiptoeing around this for a while, but I can’t ignore it anymore.”
I feel my breath catch in my throat, wondering what he could possibly mean.
He takes another step closer to me, and I can feel the warmth radiating off of him.
“I can’t stop thinking about you, Billie. I promised myself I wouldn’t get involved because we work together, but I can’t help the way I feel.”
All the air seems to leave the room, and I’m left standing there, staring at him in shock.
Did he just say what I think he said?
He looks down at me, his eyes searching for any trace of what I’m feeling. “I understand if you don’t feel the same way, if last night was just a one-time thing for you, but I had to tell you. I can’t keep it inside anymore.”
My mind is racing with a million thoughts at once. On one hand, I’ve been hoping for this moment for what feels like forever — even though I never even admitted that to myself. On the other hand, the thought of what this means when it comes to Quinn is terrifying.
And then there are all my doubts about James. Is he the callous jerk I’ve always read about?
Or is he the strong, kind man who clawed his way from the bottom to the top? The man who sees me, who appreciates me for what I bring to the table?
I swallow hard. “Everyone says you’re an asshole, you know.”
“I’ve made some mistakes.” His face grows serious. “A lot that I would take back if I could. Being around you, Billie, it’s helped me see that there are other ways… that the world isn’t always against me. That it’s full of good things.”
My breath catches in my throat. How am I supposed to respond to that?
This man has me twisted around his little fingers, and he has no idea because I haven’t let it show.
But I hear what he’s saying. And I believe him.
“Do you care about my past?” he asks softly.
Good question. I care about some of it. I care about what he did to Quinn and Quinn’s birth mother.
I swallow hard. “I’m here. With you. And I’m not running away.”
“But are you falling for me?”
My heart skips a beat, and I look into his eyes, hoping he can see it in mine. “Yeah.”
The corners of his mouth turn up, and he invades my space, backing me up against the wall. People mill around us, but James is acting like they aren’t even there.
“Good,” he murmurs.
As I look up at him, I know that I can’t resist any longer.
“I do feel the same way,” I say, my voice barely audible above the noise of the crowd.
Relief floods his face, and he pulls me into a tight embrace.
As his arms wrap around me, I feel like I’m finally home.
Everything else fades away, and all that’s left is James and me, wrapped up in each other’s arms.
We pull back from the embrace, and James looks at me with a newfound intensity. “I want you, Billie,” he says, his voice low and husky. “I want you like I’ve never wanted anything before.”
My body responds instantly, my heart racing as desire courses through me. I can feel the heat pooling between my legs, and I know that I want him just as much as he wants me.
Without another word, he takes my hand and leads me out of the crowded ballroom and into a quiet corner of the hotel hallway.
As soon as we’re alone, he pulls me in for a searing kiss, his lips claiming mine with a hunger I’ve never experienced before. I moan into his mouth, my arms wrapping around his neck as I melt into him.
He breaks the kiss, his eyes dark with lust. “I need you,” he whispers, his breath hot against my skin.
And I know that I need him too. For lack of a better word, though, it’s complicated.
Really, really complicated.
He clears his throat and reaches into his pocket, pulling out his phone. “Billie, there’s something I want to ask you.”
My heart is pounding in my chest, my mind going a mile a minute.
He licks his lips. “Actually, wait. Before I do that, let’s get out of here. We should celebrate.”
“What about the rest of the conference?” I glance over his shoulder, at the other end of the hall where people continue to spill out from the conference room.
“To hell with the conference. The presentation is done. The rest is just decoration.”
I nod and trail my fingers over his chest. I need to tell him about Quinn. I need to hear his explanation for leaving her.
I also feel like I need to throw up.
Once the truth comes out, there will be no going back. The potential James and I are walking into could be completely shattered.
I need to be okay with that. I started this journey to protect Quinn, and I will end it with the same goal in mind.
“I need… I need to talk to you about something, too,” I croak.
He frowns slightly. “What?”
“About…”
Oh, God. Why can’t I get the words out?
“You know what?” I laugh, but it sounds high-pitched and fake. “Give me just a couple minutes, will you? I need to run to the ladies’ room.”
“Of course.” His hand slips out of mine. “I’ll wait here for you.”
I nod, my vision spinning. “Be right back.”
I begin walking as fast as I can manage without running, and I push through the door into the women’s room.
The door swings closed behind me with a thump, and I sink to the floor in the corner, pressing my back against the wall.
I’m the first to admit that I’m not the bravest person in the world. I’m also the first to admit that I’m not the smartest either.
But we’re talking about something different.
This is something completely out of my comfort zone.
My hand flies up to my mouth, and I take a deep breath.
I could walk out there right now and tell him. I could let the chips fall where they may.
As I glance up at the ceiling, I can feel the heat rising in my face. The pressure in my chest is like an elephant sitting on my chest, and I’m sure I’m turning redder by the second.
I take my phone out of my purse and call Monica.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
“What happened?” Monica answers.
“I need your help,” I whisper.
“What’s going on?” she asks, concern lacing her voice.
“I need to tell James about Quinn. I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know if I can do it,” I admit, feeling tears prick at the corners of my eyes.
There’s a moment of silence on the other end of the line before Monica speaks. “You could not tell him. The medical information you wanted isn’t there, Billie. Your mission is over. You can walk away now.”
I shake my head, even though she can’t see me. “I can’t. Quinn deserves to know the truth, and James deserves to know why I’m doing all of this.”
“But what about you? What do you deserve?” Monica asks softly.
I take a deep breath, exhaling slowly. “I just want to do the right thing. For everyone involved.”
There’s a rustling on the other end of the line, and then Monica’s voice comes back, resolute. “There’s more to it than that, though.”
She’s trying to get me to admit something, and I know it. And she knows that I know it.
I bite my lip and close my eyes. “I love him.”
Monica doesn’t respond immediately, and I can sense the weight of her silence on the other end of the phone. I feel exposed, like I’ve said too much, but at the same time, it’s a relief to finally say it out loud.
“I know you do,” Monica finally says, her voice soft. “But you have to ask yourself if telling him is worth the risk. It could change everything.”
“I know,” I say. “But I can’t keep hiding it. Not anymore.”
There’s another pause before Monica speaks again. “Okay. Then there’s your answer.”
I feel a surge of gratitude for my best friend, and I wipe away the tears that have fallen down my face. “Thank you, Monica. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Anytime. You can do this, Billie. Now get back out there and face the music. And remember, you’re doing this for Quinn.”
I hang up the phone and take another deep breath before standing up.
At the sink, I splash some cold water on my face and stare at my reflection.
Monica’s right. I can do this. I need to do this.
For Quinn.
For James.
For myself.
I’m in too deep now to walk away. I need to know what comes next. Even if that means castles crumbling, I’ll face it.
Because when it comes down to it, a person can only live a lie for so long. Sooner or later, it eats you up from the inside out, and my sooner has come.