Chapter 21
Kirion
The light danced in the room in streams of white leaking between the closed curtains. Dust motes did a ballet. Everything looked brighter and clearly delineated. As if my senses were keener, more powerful.
The warm man beside me, alpha in every way, slept on.
I was amazed. Tane was so handsome. And he’d welcomed me into his private bed and the intimacy of his arms. Me. I was nobody but he didn’t treat me that way. He listened to me at meals and other times, got me to open up about my life, my childhood. He seemed to enjoy my company. And now….
Now this.
I lay in the calm morning vibes feeling safe with this man. My body still thrummed with the sensation of his touches.
When he woke, I reached out and put my hand against his jaw. He smiled and reciprocated. For several long seconds we stared into each other’s eyes.
Wind still blew outside, buffeting against the windows. But here everything was perfect and serene.
Finally, Tane got up. I couldn’t look away from his nude body. Everything about him drew me in.
“I’m going to shower,” he said.
“Okay. Me, too.”
Tane disappeared and I lay back for a while enjoying his bed, then got up and went to my room.
We met for breakfast. Or rather, brunch since it was mid-morning. Things were quiet between us, as if we didn’t need words. Or maybe we didn’t know what to say. Last night had been wonderful, but who wanted to be the first to open up about it and dare to ask what it meant?
Finally, over his second cup of coffee, Tane said, “Are you all right?”
I nodded, blushing and bowing my head.
“Sure?”
I smiled softly to myself.
“Maybe it was a mistake….”
My head jerked up. “What?”
“You’re not talking.”
“I—I don’t know what to say. But I wouldn’t say it was a mistake.” I frowned. “Would you?”
When he didn’t answer right away, my heart fluttered. A weird panic fell over me.
Tane tightly shut his eyes, then rubbed his hand over his face. “I don’t know if you are able to consent.”
“What are you talking about? I’m an adult. And I came to you.”
“Yes, you’re of age. But you aren’t here of your own free will.”
“I came to you,” I repeated.
“But I own you. You are owned.”
“No, that’s not an issue. Not last night.”
“It isn’t?”
“No. I have choices. You said so yourself. I get to pick the colors and décor for my room. I get to have money. I get to wear what I want.”
“Yes.” He still had a pained look on his face. “But I need to think about this specifically, what happened last night. Ethically.”
Ethically? What did that mean? My eyes warmed. He couldn’t mean he didn’t want me, could he?
“Because you bought me, now I can’t consent?” I whispered.
He rubbed at his face again, harder this time. “It’s not you, Kirion. It’s me.” He sounded lost. “As a businessman I think about these things. It’s important to me to be honest as well as honorable.”
Did he think what we did last night wasn’t honorable? I couldn’t believe it. I wanted it. I wanted everything with him. My body burned for him. I showed no hesitation, not one moment. I came to his room where no one was allowed and entered. If anyone wasn’t honorable it was me.
Maybe he saw that as a flaw. As failure. Maybe I wasn’t good enough for him.
“Am I unworthy because I’m a set?”
A look of horror drew his face down. “No. I didn’t mean that.”
“I know I’m not good enough. Only fit to be owned. Technically, I’m no one. A non-entity.” I set my napkin gently aside. “I’m sorry I came to you.” I stood. “I shouldn’t have. It wasn’t my place.”
Quickly, I walked from the room. When I got out of sight, I ran. Up two flights. When I reached my room I slammed the door and threw myself on my bed. My favorite pillow absorbed my tears as my body shook with sobs.
Nothing was fair. Why did my life suck so much? I wasn’t bad. I didn’t do wrong things. But I still got dealt the losing hands.
After a few minutes of self-pity, I lay with my hands linked behind my head and stared at the ceiling. I thought about what we’d done, how beautiful it had felt, how sensitive he’d been with me, to me.
I had thought I loved him. I still thought that.
I wouldn’t have gone to his room last night if I didn’t want him so badly.
I wanted to be near him all the time. He was like an addiction.
Something you enjoyed and wanted to do again over and over.
But it was more. Tane was good for me, helpful, fun.
We liked the same things. We meshed so well.
But if he didn’t think the same in this way, what would I do? I lived here now. With him. We’d see each other every day. There was no avoiding that.
Had my actions made a mess of everything? Would I spend the rest of my life here in this room pretending Tane wasn’t here and that I loved him? That I had enjoyed making love with him?
I would never forget it. But I would have to live knowing it would never happen again.
More tears fell down the side of my face to my temples, hot and stinging. Now rain began to hit the windows and the roof overhead.
The weather was the perfect commentary to my day, as if to say Look, look what you’ve done now. Kirion the set. No good. Born a prince but he couldn’t even do that right. If no beast resides within you should never have been born.
A strangled sound escaped my throat. More self-pity. I didn’t do that. I didn’t like myself this way. I needed a distraction. Something to focus on so I didn’t have to think. Or remind myself of how I blew it with Tane.
But right now, my heart hurt too much.
I scraped my tears away with my fingers. “Fuck. Fuck you. Fuck you.” I punched at my own thigh.
As my voice rose, I heard a knock at my door. Insistent but soft. It couldn’t be Tane. He had thinking to do. He’d said so.
I got up and approached the door. The metal handle felt cold against my palm. Slowly, I opened it.
Tane stood before me. His mouth dropped open when he saw me. My face was still wet.
“Oh, sweetheart.” Then he stepped forward and pulled me into his arms.
His hug tightened. I couldn’t breathe. All I could think was he was just being nice, making sure I was all right. I still wasn’t good enough. He didn’t want me. I squeezed my arms between us and pushed him away.
“Don’t pretend,” I said. “Don’t.”
“Pretend what?”
I turned away as he reached for me again. “That you care.”
“Kirion.”
I held my hand up. “No. I can’t. I—” I swallowed hard. “I just can’t.”
“Can’t what?” He touched my shoulder. “Please don’t shut me out. I’m sorry I said what I said about being owned. It was stupid. I didn’t mean it in the way it came out.”
I shook my head.
“Let’s sit. Can we at least talk?”
I let him steer me toward the table by the window. I’d opened the curtains halfway and raindrops raced down the pane.
We sat facing each other. I put my elbows on the table and leaned into my hands.
“I think too much,” Tane said softly. “That’s what it is. My business decisions require it.”
“I’m a business transaction.”
“Maybe at the beginning. But then I brought you home and realized Malin was not mature enough for any ideas I had to help him. I thought too rationally then, and I failed. Feelings aren’t practical and I have a son who hates me because I tried too hard to fix him through logic and reason.
Not love. Or maybe it was love but I didn’t know how to show it any other way. ”
“I was a product.” My voice came out low.
“Yes, but I realized you weren’t quite quickly and immediately knew what I had done was wrong.”
I looked up. “And then I asked you not to return me.”
“I already knew I wasn’t going to do that.”
“And then overnight you became responsible for what you’d done, the guardian of a live person.”
“Yes.”
“I’m sorry to be that burden.”
“Burden? You think so?” He laughed without any lightness or smiles. “You want to know something, Kirion?”
I was still pouting. “What?”
“You brought light back into my house. You made me smile again when I couldn’t remember the last time I’d done that. You appreciated my garden when no one else save my landscapers even noticed it. I didn’t realize I’d been lonely until you came. Burden is the last word I’d use to describe you.”
His words swirled around me. They sounded right. But he had stated so clearly how uncomfortable he was with me. Could I believe their meaning now?
I took a heavy breath. “But you can’t change the fact that you still own me. And you have a problem with that, right?”
“Oh, sweetheart. I told you I think too much. I don’t have any problem with you. I just got worried because my thoughts get out of control. What it is that causes that is… I care too much. About any harm to you. You’re so special. My urge to protect you—even from myself—is overwhelming.”
“I guess I still don’t quite understand. Because of what happened last night?”
“Yes.”
“But I wanted it. I came to you.”
“I know. And it was beautiful and precious. I’m sorry that what I said over breakfast came out too cold and factual to apply to something so warm and special and magical.”
My eyes warmed, but this time my vision stayed clear. I watched his face for any sign of him just trying to placate me. But his worried gaze was gentle, open.
“This is all because of some papers that say you own me?”
He nodded.
“What if those papers didn’t exist.”
He blinked. “I—I don’t know. I mean, they do exist.”
“But imagine if they didn’t. Pretend for right now that they don’t.”
“Okay.”
“Does anything change?”
“Change?”
“I’m still me. And you’re still you, right?”
“Yes.”
“The papers are just writing. They don’t define who you are.
Or who I am. Not really. I’m the same person sitting here with you if they never existed.
Just me. And you’re you. And last night happened because I wanted you.
So bad. The papers can’t put into words exactly the way I felt.
They might exist but they don’t say how I feel. ”
“Wow. I needed to hear that.” A small smile began to dance in his eyes.
“You did?”
He nodded. “They don’t say how I feel, either.”
“So, you didn’t feel like you owned me last night?”
“No. You’re right. They didn’t have any role in defining last night. They still don’t.” Tane placed his hands on the tabletop.
“It’s okay, then. Isn’t that what this means? What I’m saying?”
“You’re very astute. Tanekan is berating me. He’s the one using the word astute.”
I loved that his dragon was talking to him. About me. Happiness bubbled up inside me making me want to laugh. So soon after tears, it was a welcome feeling.
Tane’s hands slid in my direction. I unbent my elbows and lay my arms flat until my fingertips reached his, touching lightly.
“Tell Tanekan I appreciate him very much.”
“He hears you.” Tane’s hands covered mine, then clutched and held on. “He approves of you and thinks I’m a dolt.”
I pressed my lips tight to keep from grinning. Or laughing. I couldn’t let loose quite yet.
“I came here to tell you I’m sorry,” Tane said. “I spoke too quickly, something I do when I’m worried.”
“You didn’t even ask me.”
“Ask you what?”
“If I consent. But I’ll tell you anyway. I can and I do. I promise with my full heart I’m not feeling anything I don’t want to feel.”
“What do you feel?” Tane spoke slowly.
“You gave me free reign. You gave me credit cards. You said I could have anything I want. Well, I’ve decided. I want you.”