34. Chapter Thirty-Four
Chapter Thirty-Four
Zinn
His apartment wouldn’t be big enough for a baby.
That was just one thought on Zinn’s mind as he busied himself wiping down the kitchen counters, even though they were already spotless.
The bed was made too. And his laundry was done, folded, and put away.
He’d been holed up in his little studio stress-cleaning for days, coming to terms with the fact that everything had changed.
He eyed the drawing materials on the dining room table—the items Calder had bought for the rental house. Picking up a sketch he’d made of the street outside his window, he flipped through the other sheets, realizing he’d drawn more this last week than in the previous three months.
For two years, this apartment had been his refuge.
He’d rented it immediately after going to work at Felton’s.
Those first months in Bellwether Province, he’d been terrified his parents would find him, but they never did.
He’d been so focused on getting away, and then on hiding, that he hadn’t noticed the anger and cynicism he’d brought with him had slowly receded.
Renting this studio had been the first step, being solely responsible for himself.
Working and discovering his love for cake decorating also helped.
But much of his healing was because of meeting Calder and his sons.
He felt as close to happiness as he’d been since waking up in the hospital almost eight years ago.
He was drawing. He was smiling. He was letting down his defenses.
He was pregnant.
When Zinn came out of delirium on the third day of his heat, Calder was gazing at him, propped up on his elbow in all his naked glory. He’d caressed Zinn’s cheek and told him plainly that he’d had a breeding orgasm, and that Calder knew in his heart Zinn was pregnant.
Zinn knew it too. It wasn’t what he’d thought he wanted going into it, but from the moment Calder said the words out loud, Zinn felt nothing but joy. It was complicated. But he would be a daddy. Again.
And Calder was clearly thrilled. Zinn could tell the alpha was trying not to overwhelm him, but his elation showed on his face.
“I know we agreed that you make all the decisions for our baby,” Calder said, cupping Zinn’s jaw reverently, “But I want you to know that I am so, so happy about our son. Whatever happens next. Whatever you decide.” He angled his head and rubbed their noses together.
“Really? Even if I choose to raise him on my own?” Zinn hated to make the moment awkward, but he had to ensure that he was truly in control.
Calder bit his lower lip. “I don’t want to say, because of our agreement. I’m worried that if I fully express myself, you’ll feel like I’m pressuring you. And that’s the last thing I want to do.”
The alpha’s watery eyes went straight to Zinn’s heart. He pressed his lips to Calder’s, murmuring, “Tell me.”
Pulling the sheet down, Calder rested his palm on Zinn’s belly.
“Sunshine, you’ve given me my life back.
I haven’t been the same since you walked into Felton’s.
” His hand moved in smooth circles. “You’ll be an amazing daddy…
Wherever I fit, I want our baby in this world more than I can express. I already love him.”
The alpha’s jaw ticked like he wanted to say more, but he stopped himself.
Calder was being incredibly generous, giving Zinn exactly what he needed to feel safe.
Most of the alphas he’d met would have demanded more control, contract or not.
Father had certainly never deferred to Daddy about anything of consequence.
Yet Calder trusted Zinn with their child.
Trusted him to decide what was best for all of them.
And he wasn’t done.
“Zinn?”
“Hmm?” Zinn had rolled onto his back, feeling another wave coming. Even with everything going on, he still had to get through this third day of heat.
“I love the baby, my omega.” Calder trailed a hand across Zinn’s chest before taking a deep breath. “And I also love you.”
Zinn’s eyes popped open. He started to speak, but Calder stopped him with a gentle press of his fingertips.
“It’s true,” the alpha assured him, circling a nipple.
“And you don’t need to do anything or say it back.
But you deserve to know. I’ve loved you for a while, even if I didn’t want to admit it.
Even when you were quiet that first year, I loved the man I admired.
I loved the fierceness you displayed, and the way you were with Jordie and Ked.
I don’t know much about your past, but I’m in love with the man I’ve known for two years.
And since you’ve started making the cakes, and laughing and smiling and talking more, it’s been building every day.
I never thought I’d feel this way again, after Denni died.
But how could I not fall for you?” His hand drifted to Zinn’s belly. “And now, our baby.”
Zinn was unsure how to respond. There was a universe where this was simple, where he could accept Calder’s love and return it. But he wasn’t sure that was where they lived. He placed his hand over Calder’s.
“Cap, I appreciate you laying it out there. And I wish I could make this easier. But the truth is, all that stuff you don’t know about my past matters. I can say that I want to love you. But I don’t know if I have that to offer.” Lacing their fingers together, he exhaled, “I’m sorry.”
Calder kissed him on the forehead. “Don’t be sorry.
I meant what I said. This isn’t me pressuring you.
This is me simply telling you where my head is at.
And if you choose to raise the baby on your own, maybe because of that stuff that happened before we met, of course that’s not what I want, but when I agreed to service your heat, I understood what I was signing up for.
I knew I could live with whatever you decided.
Solo parenting, co-parenting, or letting me love you for real.
But I’ll never regret this child. And you don’t have to apologize for making the best decisions you can for yourself and our son. ”
“You’re okay if I need some time to think about it?”
Calder smiled. “Considering that your skin is on fire beneath my hand, how about we table this discussion and just try to enjoy this third day?” He gave Zinn’s cock a firm stroke.
The rest of his heat was fantastic. Biologically, the third day provided the easiest pleasure, without the edginess of the first or the delirium of the second. Zinn allowed himself to lie back and revel in being made love to.
Calder had taken him from behind, kissing up and down his spine as he stroked him to completion.
An hour later, Zinn rode him on the couch in the living room.
As Calder’s knot popped and Zinn rocked himself on it, drawing out the pleasurable sensations, he peppered the alpha’s face with kisses.
In so many ways, this beautiful, thoughtful man had saved him, offering himself selflessly and treating Zinn as an equal.
It could be like this, Zinn realized. Someone could love him without an agenda. He had thought he had that once. Then he lost Valentin, and it made him question everything about their connection. He convinced himself that kind of selfless love did not exist.
But it did exist. Calder had that type of love. For Zinn.
They made love five times on that third day, until the heat fully passed. Afterward, Calder tucked Zinn into bed. Like all omegas, he would require a few recovery days.
Calder had gone to Felton’s and then home to check on Jordie and Ked.
When he returned, he told Zinn that all was well and that the boys had said hello.
Zinn was mildly embarrassed that the teens understood exactly what he’d done with their father.
But heats were a part of life, and Calder’s sons had been nothing but kind to him.
Zinn wondered how they would feel about their new brother, and what their reactions would be if he decided to try having an actual relationship with their papa.
There was no scenario where Zinn would keep the baby away from Calder entirely. He hadn’t told him that yet, because he wanted to wait until he had a firmer plan, but he would never deny his child having an alpha father as wonderful as Calder.
Two days after his heat ended, Calder dropped Zinn off at his apartment, telling him to take as long as he needed before returning to work. They had several cake orders to handle over the following month, but there was time.
Zinn swiped at the kitchen counter again. He had been holed up for four days. He planned go into Felton’s tomorrow but still didn’t have definitive answers for Calder.
Zinn knew what he wished he could do.
His eyes fell on the plastic milk crate he used as a bookshelf.
He pulled out My Summer by the Sea and pressed it to his chest. The book he and Valentin had read together was the only impractical item he’d shoved into his backpack when he left his parents’ estate.
Since coming to Bellwether, he’d thought a lot about Valentin’s reaction to it, specifically his skepticism of the main character’s idealistic attitude.
Valentin had told Zinn about growing up without money and being pushed out by his family, how he’d struggled to make it on his own.
Zinn had thought he understood Valentin’s world-weariness but realized later that he hadn’t.
Not until his own fathers betrayed him with such finality.
That understanding wasn’t enough for him to forgive Valentin for leaving, but it was enough to soften his anger.
Zinn clutched the book like a lifeline. He still thought about Valentin. All the time.
But did that mean he should never love again? Would the ache he carried for the loss of his firstborn, and his first love, make it impossible? Would unanswered questions from the past deny him a fulfilling future?