Chapter 40
Hudson
At some point, we finally made it to my bedroom. Right now, I’m draped over his torso, his knot gradually deflating inside my ass, my head resting on his shoulder.
His fingers are combing through my hair and relaxing me until I feel as though I’m floating.
There’s going to come a day I won’t be able to lie like this. The baby bump will be in the way.
It still doesn’t truly feel real. I don’t know when it’ll fully sink in – maybe after I feel the baby kick for the first time, or after seeing it on an ultrasound.
“Whatever’s going through that beautiful head of yours isn’t true.”
I lift from his chest and look down into his face.
“What does that mean?”
“I can feel your uncertainty and something that feels like sadness or depression or some shit.”
“I was just thinking about how I won’t be able to lay like this on you in a few months. And how it still hasn’t sunk in that I’m growing a life.”
His fingers in my hair still as he pushes it away from my face. “And that makes you sad?”
“I think it’s the reality of my future that makes me sad,” I admit.
“Your future can be with us, Hudson. I’m sure Des pled his case, but now I’ll plead mine.”
I wiggle enough to test our connection, then lift when I’m sure I won’t hurt either of us.
My slick and his cum leak from me to pool on his groin, so I roll from the side of the bed.
After cleaning myself up in the bathroom, I bring him a towel and hand it to him, suddenly unable to look him in the eye.
We should probably shower. But, considering I have no idea when the next time will be that I’ll see any of the three of them, I’m going to savor his scent on my skin at least until tomorrow.
He’s going to leave. After a while, he’s going to pull his ridiculously tossed together outfit back on, head home, and snuggle with his mates.
And I’ll be left here alone.
Sure, I can go back with him. Then tomorrow, I’ll be alone.
Again.
So, why not stay in my apartment, in my bed, where I can begin the healing process rather than allow myself to fall further for three men I can never have.
“Hey,” Alex says, grabbing my wrist when I try to move away.
His grip isn’t tight, and I can easily pull away, but I don’t. I even let him pull me back onto the bed beside him.
“Talk to me,” he says, his expression uncharacteristically serious.
I shrug. “There’s really nothing to say. This isn’t the first time I’ve been rejected.”
Goddammit. Why did I say that? That last thing I want from Alex – or anyone – is fucking pity.
But there it is, right there in his beautiful hazel eyes as his brows draw together.
“Is that what you think? That I’m rejecting you? Do you truly believe that I won’t still want you, crave you, fucking need you after the baby is born?”
There’s the lightest rumble of a growl wrapped around his words as he pushes to sitting instead of having this conversation lying down.
“I heard you guys. I heard what Mason said. And he’s doing a bang-up job of keeping himself blocked in the bond.
He wants the bond dissolved after I give birth.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he has someone waiting beside the bed to complete the surgery within the first five minutes.
I mean, hey, if even my own parents couldn’t find a reason to keep me around until I was at least legally able to get my own fucking place, why would the alphas I’ve fallen in love with, the alphas whose baby is growing inside me, want to keep me in their lives? ”
Son of a fucking bitch. Tears are burning the backs of my eyes and no amount of blinking will keep them at bay.
Swiping at them angrily, I push from the bed and put a few feet between us as Alex gapes at me, a deep furrow between his brows as he simply frowns at me silently.
I want him to say something, anything, but really, what the fuck can he say?
I’m sure he cares about me. And I’m still pretending Desmond’s declaration of love was real.
That means fuck all if their mate and pack lead doesn’t want me as his omega. Not unless the other two are willing to walk away from Mason and I would never want that. Not only do I refuse to come between the three after spending over a decade together…
But my heart has claimed him as much as Alex and Des.
“Just go,” I say as my heart feels like it’s splintering in my chest.
“Fuck no,” he says, tossing the blankets away, throwing his feet over the side, and stalking toward me.
I don’t bother backing away, just crane my neck to look into his face when he stops mere inches from me.
“You can’t seriously think we don’t fucking want you.”
“I heard Mason –”
“He’s a fucking dipshit who said something fucking stupid. Whether he’s ready to admit it or not, he’s just as head over fucking heels for you as Des and me. I want you to come home, Hudson. I want you in our pack bed.”
“Why? So I can wake up alone every day then go to bed alone every night? Do you have any idea how that feels? It’s no different than being here.” I throw my arms out wide. “At least here, I can protect my heart.”
“I’m not giving you up, Hudson. I refuse to dissolve my bond.” He winces a bit. “Unless that’s what you want.” His last statement is so soft, so full of pain. That same pain is echoing down the thread linking us together.
“Of course, that’s not what I want. But I also don’t want to be an afterthought.
Listen,” I say, holding up my hand to stop him when he opens his mouth to speak.
“It’s fine. You guys have a super important job.
I knew you were lawyers going into this.
” Although I’d had no idea how rarely I would see them.
“I would never come between the three of you nor would I ask you to completely alter your lives around me.”
“That’s not –”
I shake my head and stop him before he can argue any further. “Alex, stop. Nothing will change whether I’m here or there. No. That’s not true. If I stay here, I can at least think about my future, maybe…I don’t know, maybe go back to school or something. Ella has a college degree and a great job.”
I don’t bother telling him I’m a high school dropout. I’ve already said too much by telling him my parents rejected me. The last thing I want is for them to decide to accept me merely out of pity rather than because they developed feelings as deep as the ones I feel for them.
I want them to love me.
“We can…,” Alex starts but trails off.
Without saying anything, I know he was going to try to argue that they can change. How? How does he think they could change anything about their lives? The only way things could change is if one or all of them suddenly cut their workload in half.
That’s something I would never ask from them. I knew going into this it would be temporary. Regardless of how badly it hurts, I have to rip the Band-Aid off now.
Not to say I won’t allow them into my home or bed during visits. After all, affection and intimacy were things they’d agreed to. I’m an omega with needs.
In the past, I might have simply sought out alphas, even contacted those whom I’d been with previously.
Except now, the thought of another alpha touching me in any way – even innocently – makes me sick to my stomach.
Wait…nope. That’s real nausea.
I turn and rush to the bathroom, barely getting the toilet seat up in time before the contents of my stomach expel in a terrible impersonation of that chick from The Exorcist.
Alex is less than a heartbeat behind me. I’m so sick I don’t notice at first that he’s wrapped himself around me and is holding my hair out of my face and away from the vomit.
Super sexy. I mean, I’m sure they all knew morning sickness is part of pregnancy, but I also highly doubt any of them will find this part super attractive.
When Alex steps away, my thoughts and fears are confirmed. This part is way too much for them. I’ll have to suffer through this alone so they can finally get their dream family.
Although now I’m beginning to wonder who’ll raise the child. Do they plan on getting nannies? Maybe pay Amy a little extra for that role?
Fresh tears burn my eyes, though I’m no longer sure what exactly is making me cry. Could be the realization of how much my life is changing. Could be the realization of how very alone I am.
Could be the realization there’s a little life in my belly officially making itself known. I haven’t done nearly enough research yet, so I have no idea whether this is too early for morning sickness. Or whether this will happen all times of the day and night considering it’s not fucking morning.
Instead of hearing the front door open and slam shut, I hear Alex moving back behind me.
He pulls my hair back and wraps an elastic around it to secure it, rests a cool, damp washcloth on my neck, sets a glass of water beside me, then sits directly behind me so I’m bracketed by his legs as his hand makes soothing circles on my back.
“You really don’t have to stay for this part. I get it,” I say as my stomach turns with a fresh wave of nausea.
“I’m not going anywhere. You don’t want to believe my words, so I’ll prove how much I…fuck, how much I love you with my actions. I love you, Hudson. Through sickness and health,” he says.
I want to see his face. I wish I’d been looking into his eyes when he said those words.
That doesn’t diminish how much they mean to me or how fast my heart is now racing.
Before I can say anything else, my stomach turns and I retch, bending forward as the last of the contents of my stomach leave my body.
By the time it all ends, I’m sweaty, crying, shaking, and so damn tired.