30. Chapter 30
30
My breath puffed against the window, turning it opaque. The men were returning for lunch. They’d ventured outside today, the snow melted, but the bite remained. I tucked my fingers under my shawl and made my way to the kitchen. I used the excuse of baking to stay near the pulse of heat from the oven.
Two weeks passed since our awkward visit to the Baylarks’ and we never regained the blissful peace of our winter bubble. The snow and ice a blessed shield against the real world, and reality gave me a rude awakening. Lucinda guessed our situation almost immediately, confirmed when Hale said he refused to mark me.
“Bram, can you take Nettle outside? She needs something to explore that isn’t my boots.” I called out, shooing our newest addition away from her favorite toy. My boots were decidedly more scuffed. Nettle was so different from the small dogs that were popular in Breton City. Oliver said her enormous paws meant she was going to be a big dog when she grew up.
“A protector, for our precious omega.” Hale surprised me with his words, in front of Lucinda no less. My heart almost stopped until Hale added, “They know.”
Ruck wanted to take her with him and get her used to the horses, but I hadn’t finished doting over her. She looked like a snowstorm when she raced past, a slurry of white, with some dark patches scattered over her back end. She turned her big brown eyes on me, and I almost relented.
Hale, Ruck and Oliver filed in, pulling their boots off at the door and unwrapping the thick scarves around their noses. Hale kept his clean-shaven jaw and the red scar drew my eye, like it always did. I hadn’t worked up the courage to ask him the story. Oliver dabbed at his reddened nose and muttered about warming up, ambling into the sitting room.
“She has you wrapped around her finger already.” Ruck teased as Bram tied a string of rope around Nettle’s makeshift collar. Hale promised to get a proper one when we next went into town.
Misery Creek was like a mirage, and I wasn’t keen to reacquaint myself with it. But I’d promised Lucinda I would help her with the Spring Dance, and selfishly, I wanted to throw a better one than Claudia ever managed. But I needed to be marked. I shook my head and waved Bram out the door.
“Don’t you start. I’ve already heard it ten times from Oliver alone this morning.”
Oliver snorted quietly from the sitting room, listening in.
“Esta,” Bram called from outside and I slid around Ruck and Hale as the boy loitered on the steps. He looked out to the horizon with curious tension. I filled my lungs with the brisk air from the doorway.
“They say in school that packs are an abomination. They are part of the old ways and the reason we are like animals.”
There was a sharp inhale of breath from behind me.
“Bram…” My throat tightened on the boy’s name and panic flared through me. Bram slapped the rope on his thigh and gave me a shrug.
“Our teacher is nice enough, but I think he’s got nothin’ under his hat but hair. Oliver and Ruck have never been so happy and it’s nice. It’s like having a family again. The first time you came, I was frightened I wouldn’t remember my parents. There was a human who traveled through Misery Creek once. He owned a camera. But we didn’t have enough money for one of his photos, and that made me so sad. I would have liked something to remember them by.”
My chest ached for the small boy in front of me. I let the silence stretch between us, knowing this moment of vulnerability was fleeting. When I recalled his animosity toward me, it only made me smile now. We’d come a long way. I knew in his heart he cared for me like a sister.
“Maybe if another one comes along, we can try to get one of us all? I’d really like one. Maybe we could have Nettle in it?” He added, twisting the rope in his hands. “I always wanna remember us like this.”
Tears pricked my eyes.
“I’d really like that. Something for our family to put on the mantle.”
Joy fired down my veins, chasing away the cold. Bram gave me a toothy grin.
“Well, now that we’re living in sin, do you think we still have to go to church? Seems a waste of a good Sunday to me.” A dimple creased his apple cheeks.
I tossed a small stone in his direction with a scowl.
“Bram Eugene Hartlock. Be off with you.”
He raced away with a wheezing laugh. Nettle bounded on his heels with clumsy paws. This was what I hoped for when I answered Hale’s letter. Standing on the porch, watching my family in the distance. I wondered how Birdie was faring and if she missed me. She’d always been content with her own company and as I matured, I added nothing but problems to her. With me gone, the large house would have been quiet, but Birdie would have found room for all her projects and experiments. I turned and went back into the house, threading my own hope for the future in my mind.
“Come to the sitting room,” I urged Ruck and Hale, who wore twin shell-shocked looks painted on their faces.
I caught the stomp of Oliver’s feet and the duck of his giant body as he slipped away. My thoughts became sharp, threaded with clarity when I saw them standing beside the burgundy material, now turned into suits. With the fire my companion, its flickering light illuminated the stitches I’d carefully placed in each one. Now I was keen to see the final product. Hale reached out and fingered the collar, edged with cream ribbon, on his way to the vase of feathers.
“You have fine skill with a needle, Esta.” He pulled a midnight, shimmery blue feather from inside his jacket and tucked it in the vase.
The collection burgeoned in drips, stifled by the cold weather. But there was a surprising number of birds that still traversed the cold and Hale seemed determined to fill up the vase for me. I gave him a nod of acknowledgement.
“Would you mind trying them on?” I waved to the stack of suits. “I want to make sure they fit perfectly for the Spring Dance.”
Hale sucked in a sharp breath, and I bustled over to Oliver, ignoring his pointed stare. To attend the Spring Dance, I would need to be marked. I’d decided on who I wanted to do it. My stomach was a nest of wasps.
“This one is yours. Be careful with it.” Oliver’s fingers grazed against mine.
Ruck shucked his jacket off, his fingers coming to the buttons at his chest.
“Avert your eyes, darlin,’ I wouldn’t want to excite you.” His teasing voice rolled over me and I shivered. I faced the banked fire instead, with glimmering coals. My spine zinged with energy as the soft sounds of their clothes being removed rustled. Ruck and Oliver slept in some version of undress each night and I knew the feel of their bare skin more than my own. I hadn’t seen Hale naked since my heat.
When he’d abandoned me.
When he opened my world to hold Oliver and Ruck. It was hard to hate someone when their actions brought so much joy after the initial pain.
“We’re ready,” Ruck said, and I turned, finding Oliver and Ruck fully dressed and Hale…not. He only wore his burgundy trousers, and his white shirt shucked over his wide shoulders.
“I—ah—” He tried to close the shirt with a glare in Ruck’s direction. Heat filled the apples of my cheeks, but I couldn’t look away. He was rugged, sculpted muscle, with hair scattered over his chest. There was another scar, puckered red, that followed the space between his ribs. Close to his heart.
“The scars,” I swallowed a lump as Hale hurriedly dressed. “Where are they from?”
He flicked me a guarded look.
“When Claudia tried to trap me into marking her, it ended with me getting arrested for public enragement. It took many men to pin me down. Ruck knocked me out and opened my jaw. I spent a good amount of time locked up with more than one feral alpha.” He slid his hand along his stomach. “I got an infection in this cut the winter I was arrested. They weren’t sure I was going to make it, and when I got well, and free, I found out my father passed at the same time I was sick.”
“I’m sorry, Hale.” My stomach clenched at the thought of Hale, sick and insensible, while his beloved father died. The despair and guilt he felt must have twisted into hatred for Claudia, for all omegas.
“Don’t apologize, Esta. I know what I did to you is close to unforgivable, but I still have hope. If I can change, perhaps you can too.”
Tension choked like smoke in my lungs. I didn’t want to admit to Hale how scared I was to put myself in his hold again. Our trust was still broken, and I couldn’t build it through sheer will. Neither could he. Only time would lessen the gripping fear. I understood his actions a little more now, though. I stared at his scar thoughtfully.
“Let me look at you.” I took a deep breath and focused on them all. Oliver puffed out his chest and he never looked more handsome than right now. He carded his hand through his ginger waves with a self-conscious air. I perused the seams, making a pleased noise when I found they were perfect.
“Do I pass inspection?” Oliver dipped his head, wordlessly asking for a kiss. I pressed my lips to his and smoothed my hands over his collar.
“You look very handsome indeed.”
“And me, how handsome do I look?” Ruck turned his leg in a jaunty pose. I circled him like Oliver, crouching to check the hem. Ruck cleared his throat, and I looked up, noting a soft bulge in his trousers.
“This color becomes you well.” My voice was husky, and I hovered below him until he fixed the picture of me kneeling in his mind. Heat pooled between my legs. There was something about being the center of their attention that excited me.
“Am I handsome too?” Hale asked, and I went to him.
My husband. I’d fallen for him first, hard and na?ve. Now I knew better. Underneath the perfect mask of civility was an alpha capable of great cruelty. But if he hadn’t turned me away, I wouldn’t have Oliver or Ruck. His absence made space in my heart for them.
All of us together felt perfect. Fated.
Hale filled out the suit in a way that stole my breath. I slid my hands down Hale’s sides, tracing the seams. Up close, his scent was strongest, and I couldn’t help the way it made me feel. Fresh shoots of grass bathed in silver moonlight. Grounded with hope.
“You look wonderful, husband.” I offered him a gentle smile and his face pinched as if in pain. My eyebrows bunched together, and he rushed to add, clearing his throat. “I didn’t realize how much I missed you calling me that.”
The faint sound of Nettle barking drew my gaze out the window. Bram was dragging her wildly around the corral, waving a bundle of hay to rile her into a playful frenzy.
Hale’s hand settled on my shoulder. “He’ll be a while yet. All that pent up energy needs an outlet.”
Heat shocked my spine, and I jerked away from Hale with a deep inhale. His scent was thick like syrup, sweet with desperate longing. Did Hale have pent up energy too? Especially hearing me with his brothers night after night? It would be impossible not to.
As the nights warmed, Bram opted to spend more nights sleeping in the barn. I worried about the young boy, but I was quickly overruled. Bram was considered more than grown up by wildland standards, and to baby him would be insulting. He was determined and independent. Those were qualities I admired in him. Oliver and Ruck took his absence as a challenge.
Even when I tried to be quiet, I failed. It felt like Ruck and Oliver placed bets on who could get me to scream the loudest. The pupils in Hale’s eyes stole the hazel ring.
“Your scent,” he growled. “It’s hard to ignore.” I darted backward as our scents mingled.
Mine in response to him.
“I know, sorry Hale. I wanted to discuss the Spring Dance and my mark.”
They all stiffened, the boiling lust dissipated. Hale’s scent turned sour, and he dropped his head. Like he already knew I couldn’t have him under my skin yet.
“Get out of those suits first.” I urged, not wanting my hard work marred with blood. There was a flurry of movement and this time I didn’t turn away. They were mine after all, weren’t they? Two would be in every sense soon. There was no need to blush or pretend otherwise. I ate up the sight of their lean muscles, stripped from the cold winter. I looked forward to seeing the changes in their bodies over summer, the bellies fat with my improved cooking. There was so much I hoped for the future. When they dressed in their original clothes, I bade them sit, but they each rolled their eyes.
“Esta, I can barely stand still at the thought of your neck,” Ruck explained. Hale paced behind the sofa, fueled by tense energy. For a moment I considered what it might be to have his teeth sink into my flesh. For an undeniable connection to unfurl between us. What could have been, what might still be. But not today. Hope whittled in his direct gaze as I chewed my lip.
“I don’t want you to mark me,” I gulped as Hale let out a low growl. “Yet.”
He didn’t shield his disappointment, letting me deep inside the tortured soul of the alpha I married. His hazel eyes swirled with despair and my instinct pushed me to comfort him, to wrap my arms around his neck and purr away his distress. But I fought against the need.
I was more than my designation, which is what I wanted him to realize.
“We are married, and that won’t change. I need time.”
My body trembled at the statement. Ruck and Oliver stayed silent in the exchange, but they were stiff as boards. Perhaps worried I would say the same to them. But they hadn’t broken my heart, not like Hale. They’d stood by and let it happen when it wasn’t their place to protect me. The rapidly beating organ in my chest was Hale’s responsibility, and he’d faltered with the precious organ. As much as seeing him hurt carved a hole in my stomach.
“I understand.” His hard gulp echoed across the room. “I must earn the right back and I will, Esta. I promise.”
From the first letter I received from Hale, a new life unfurled before me. A version of that hope billowed into my stomach. Threaded with nerves and caution, but hope, nonetheless. The creases around Oliver’s eyes eased as I smiled at him. I loosened my scarf and gave it to him.
Now I reached for that electric bravery again.
“I’d like both you and Ruck to mark me, if you are willing?”
All three of their jaws dropped open. Oliver moved toward me like his feet had no choice. Ruck’s throat worked like his words expanded too large for him to get them out, and both he and Oliver stared at Hale. They balanced on a sharp knife’s edge, waiting for his reaction. Hale, who drained of all color and looked like he was on the verge of passing out. His lips gaped on silent, desperate sucks of air. He stumbled back and his hand ground into his chest.
“Let me give you all some privacy,” Hale gasped and strode to the door.
“Stay,” I urged, and he reached out and gripped the doorframe like he needed something to hold him up. “Please Hale. This is important to me, and our pack. You should be here to witness it.”
His face twisted. I wrapped my arms around myself, preparing for him to leave once more. I was asking so much of him at this moment. But a vase full of feathers, though lovely, wouldn’t convince me he’d changed unless he stayed. Let him see his brothers take me as the omega I was, and still choose me. Because otherwise I would always wonder if he harbored disgust for my Designation. This is what he wanted, and I needed action, not words.
“Esta, it’s alright.” Ruck tried, but I waved him off. This room was my favorite in the house, because all our scents lived here. Mingled and in harmony. If only their owners could do the same thing. My spine straightened as if forged with steel. This was his chance to prove his depth of feeling.
“No, it’s not. Stay, husband. We need this, all of us together.”
My words were a challenge he couldn’t mistake. His head whipped up and for a moment I thought he would leave, refusing to fight even though he’d just promised to. My stomach clenched with tension. I needed so much for him to witness this, even as it hurt.
“I want this, Esta. But knowing it could have been me, and I threw it away? My teeth ache and my insides burn and it’s all my fault. Let me lick my wounds in private.”
“I understand,” I nodded. “It might feel better to hide at this moment. But tomorrow, when your wounds are closed, you will regret not being here for your brothers. For me. This pack isn’t complete without you, Hale.”
Time strung its thin, invisible strings around our limbs and held us all immobile. It was an important moment. I knew Hale recognized it, even though it would hurt him. Oliver and Ruck didn’t say a word. This was between their brother and me, and if he left now, I knew I couldn’t let him inside my heart again. Hale rocked back on his heels, pivoting to perch on the chair arm closest to him. He let out a shuddering breath and lifted his chin. A shift came over him, the shock and desire dripped away. Hale was raw, and the effort scored new lines on his face.
“I’m so pleased for you both.” He managed a tight smile.
Warmth bloomed in my chest, and I let him feel the heat of my approval. His cheeks turned pink. From my positive reaction or from the difficulty of controlling his instincts. I felt a small pang of guilt, but I couldn’t let it drive me. We were trying to move forward, and the only way to do that was as a group. With their brother’s blessing, Oliver and Ruck surrounded me, and their scents tangled in a heady mix which I sucked deep in my lungs.
“Are you sure about this, star?” Oliver dragged his fingers down my jawline with a tender whisper. His green gaze swam in front of me, so bright and hopeful.
“I want this, I want you. My whole life I tried to imagine standing next to an alpha who would own my heart, but it was too hard. I came out on a train with a desperate hope of finding somewhere I could be myself. You played such a big part in all of that.”
Oliver pulled his wide shoulders back, taking up the space he deserved. He kept so quiet because he didn’t think his voice mattered as much as everyone else’s. Bastard, son of a whore. Slow drawl and simple speech. Shame clung to his name, no matter how hard he worked to clean it off. All these lies and insults sank into his soul until he believed them. But none of that mattered to me. This giant alpha deserved my heart.
“I can’t help but love you, Oliver. I would be honored if you marked me first.”
Joy shone from his face. I grew up in luxury. Silvery cutlery, pearl earrings and enough silk and lace for three omegas. None of that wealth was as rich as Oliver’s incandescent happiness. I thrummed taut with need as his fingers fell to my bodice and he loosened it. The material sagged forward, and I made a noise.
“I thought—my neck?” I looked between the two with wide eyes. Ruck chuckled under his breath.
“A visible mark is a greater deterrent, but we’d like to save the space for Hale. He’s your husband, even though he didn’t appreciate what that meant or how lucky he was. If not for him, and his foolish mistakes, Oliver and I wouldn’t have ever had the freedom to love you.”
I met Hale’s shining gaze, like murky pools reflecting the night. There was such a distance between us. Longing and hurt. But what Ruck said was right. Every step leading us together was because of the choices we made, Hale most of all. I couldn’t fault him for letting me love his brothers. I pressed my palm to my neck.
“We’ll save this space for you. For the future.”
It was like he was in my chest already, and I saw his hunger at the thought. It ate through my soft flesh and crawled deep inside me, made a home in every one of my atoms. My wedding ring felt heavy. Oliver traced a finger along my chest and the curve of my breast.
“I’m going to mark you here.”
He leaned down and under the puff of his hot breath, goosebumps sprang. He wrapped his large hands around my arms and pulled me flush against his body. There was so much more I wanted to say, but words escaped me.
I’d never cared for the idea of marriage or bonding.
From my self-imposed imprisonment in Breton City, I watched the world pass by underneath my window, and it was brutal. Alphas were strange animals and humans, the worst of all. Cruelty and disdain cloaked by a mild smile.
But everything blanked as Oliver sank his teeth into me. Like a knife through butter, my skin gave no resistance. His teeth were hot pokers, carving a path of fire through my body. I sagged backward, into the waiting cradle of Ruck’s arms. Oliver followed, moaning and sending vibrations through me. His hands locked around my arms, as if he thought I might flee. If I hadn’t been prepared, I might have. But this burn was primal too, snapping open new pathways in my body. The essence of Oliver flooded through me. My throat coated with the dizzying warmth of mulled wine, like I’d drank directly from a pitcher. Let the sweetness spill over my lips and run down the column of my throat. I gasped, unseeing at the ceiling. Hovered on a thin balance between pain, pleasure and total obliteration. My limbs became jelly, and I throbbed with the need for more.
“Oliver, let her go now.” Ruck’s disembodied voice floated around my ears; concern etched in his tone.
The precious link Oliver unfurled inside me channeled all my senses.
“What do I feel like?” I slurred as Oliver pressed his lips to mine.
It was raw and bloody.
Divine and perfect.
Why would any Designated attend the church of humans when we housed it in our own bodies?
“Like shooting stars. A million perfect stars lighting up my entire world.” Oliver gasped and ducked his head to tend the wound. His saliva would heal the bite and ensure the bond took in my body. This stage of marking needed tender care and careful attention. I slid my hazy look over to Ruck, whose cheeks blanched white. He trembled.
“Where will you mark me?” I asked, and he paled once more.
“I-I don’t want to hurt you, Esta,” he whispered and stepped out of reach of my questing fingers. Oliver and I shared a delirious chuckle, and his mirth reverberated through me.
“It was a gradual thing.” I shivered as Oliver licked the bite on my chest. Ruck swung forward, eyes widened. Leather squeaked, and I knew it was Hale hanging onto the couch with all his restraint.
“What?” Ruck whispered.
Some of the euphoria faded, and I spoke with more presence.
“How I fell in love with you, of course.” I leaned into Ruck’s scent, thickening even though he tried to hold himself back. Leather heated by the sun, freshly oiled. “I wanted to be like one of your horses. But I was already tame. I wanted to be made wild. Set free, to live like I never have before. And in my heat, you gave me that. With your whole heart, you made me feel like I was vibrantly alive. I see how you live your life, and it makes me love you so much.”
Ruck’s reticence disappeared, and he launched himself toward me, cradling my jaw with a tenderness that belied his intense expression. Oliver stepped back, his lips ruby red, to give his brother space.
“You feel that…for me?” His mouth fell open, like he couldn’t believe my confession. I gripped his shirt until my knuckles went white. It occurred to me that from the moment we met, I’d harbored the spark of these feelings, but always shoved them down. It wasn’t right. That is what I’d been told, and I believed it. But Oliver was inside me and I needed Ruck to join him.
“You brought me flowers when I wed Hale, remember that? You’re always thinking of others in whatever small way you can. How could I not love you?”
Ruck’s lips worked together, and he pressed his forehead against mine.
“Because I’m a second son with no ranch, no prospects. I made plans to leave for the wildlands. I was going to carve out my own path, but I didn’t. Women like me for a night, but not for a life. Women chased Hale for marriage. Never me. I used to regret not leaving, but now I know why it never happened. I imagined what it would be like if it was me who married you instead of him. How well I’d treat you.” He dropped his voice low, so only I could hear. “I tried so hard not to love you, Esta, but it’s impossible.”
I covered his hands where they gripped my face and let him see my love and acceptance.
“We don’t have to pretend any longer. We’re a pack now, so bite your omega and make me yours entirely.”
Ruck slipped his fingers under my collar and pulled the loose material down to expose my shoulder. The unmarked one. My stomach roiled with a violent memory and Ruck pulled me close. Oliver growled, feeling the echo of it.
“What Daniel did to you was an abomination. I want to mark your opposite shoulder to kill the memory of him.”
Tears pricked my eyes, but I nodded, murmuring my assent. Ruck fit his mouth over the curve of my shoulder and, like before, his teeth sank easily. I was born to be marked. Not with violence, nor anger, like Daniel. But with the sharp point of alpha teeth.
Made to be marked with their anchors on my soul.
My gasp echoed in the room as Ruck rolled through me like molasses. Slow and sweet, he took up space next to Oliver. Wheat stalks clamped between teeth, the sweet musk of grain. Such a distinctive taste. Straw fat with the beating pulse of summer sun. The rolling muscle of a wild mustang. Galloping heartbeats. Ruck was dirt, sun and wind whipping through my hair. He was freckles stamped on my nose from midday rays. He was lazy afternoon kips, tangled skin and languid love. I let myself bask in the warmth of him. Two marks in one day, with a little pause between them, took their toll.
“This…is how it’s meant to be,” I whispered wonderingly.
My fingers hovered in the air, like I could touch the threads of my alphas wrapped within me. Humans made the idea of packs evil. Sinful. Behavior of animals. But there was nothing wrong with this feeling. The only thing wrong was the empty space that remained. Where Hale should be. My heart squeezed with the absence. I searched for him, vision still blurry. Hale hadn’t left, but his fingers dug into his thighs. This was hard for him, almost impossible for an alpha to endure. But it was necessary.
It was the only way we could heal.
When Daniel savaged my shoulder, I passed out from the pain. But Ruck tended his mark with gentle care and those old wounds on my opposite shoulder closed. I’d fled a monster, not knowing where it would take me. Even in my wildest dreams, I never imagined I would find this. Safety, freedom and a pack that loved me.
By the time Bram returned, I was more lucid, ensconced between Hale and Ruck on the couch. Oliver was in the kitchen, taking over cooking duties while I recovered. The marks were wrapped and my dress remained loose. Hale draped his jacket over me at my behest. Partly to shield the wounds and deter the child’s inquisitive questions. But also, in consideration for the tense alpha. I didn’t take his mark, but his scent was on my skin. Bram carried Nettle in a makeshift sling, the puppy not even stirring as Bram stamped his boots.
“Can she sleep in my bed? Please?” He widened his eyes between Hale and me, dividing his attentions where it would be the most effective. He bet well, because I dissolved under the pleading gaze, rushing to give him permission. Bram stifled his joy as Hale pursed his lips. The rod of tension in him didn’t soften.
“Dogs shouldn’t sleep on beds,” Hale said.
I clasped my hands and begged Hale wordlessly. Oliver entered the room with bowls of mutton stew. Ruck already poured glasses of cherry cordial, wanting something special to commemorate the night.
“Oh, just this once. There isn’t anything sweeter than cuddling a puppy to sleep.” I didn’t tell Hale how I knew. Ruck and Oliver kept my secret, sharing a look of amusement. Last night I’d snuck Nettle in when she was crying. She barely fit on the bed, but it was worth it. Hale looked at the ceiling, and for a moment, I thought he was going to say no.
“I can deny you nothing. You know that.”
Bram squealed, and I grinned, drowning in hazel. Hale hadn’t marked me, but the touch of him lingered inside my chest.
From the moment his rough fingers slid a modest ring on my finger. I’d planted my hope in his midnight lit garden. My tender emotions grew under the warmth of his rare smiles, and even rarer laughs. He took care and pride in the ranch and his family. There was good amongst the hurt.
He was a complicated alpha, with a fractured past.
I didn’t want to admit it, but I’d never stopped loving Hale.